IRRELATIONSHIP: How we use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy

by Mark B. Borg, Grant H Brenner, Daniel Berry

Overview

No matter how committed two people are to being together, why can't they get away from feeling like something is missing?

In this important and transformative guide, three experienced practitioners identify the widespread dysfunctional dynamic they call "irrelationship," a psychological defense system two people create together to protect themselves from the fear and anxiety of real intimacy in a relationship.

Drawing on their wide clinical and life experience, the authors look at the behavioral "song-and-dance" routines repeatedly performed by couples in irrelationships. Readers will find a valuable framework for understanding their challenges with action-oriented tools to help them navigate their way to fulfilling relationships.

Mark B. Borg, Jr., PhD, is a community psychologist and psychoanalyst, and a supervisor of psychotherapy at the William Alanson White Institute.

Grant H. Brenner, MD, is a board-certified psychiatrist in private practice, specializing in treating mood and anxiety disorders and the complex problems that may arise in adulthood from childhood trauma and loss.

Daniel Berry, RN, MHA, has practiced as a Registered Nurse in New York City since 1987 and has worked for almost two decades in community-based programs.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781942094005
Publisher:	Central Recovery Press, LLC
Publication date:	10/20/2015
Pages:	288
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.80(d)

About the Author

Mark B. Borg, Jr., Ph.D. is a community psychologist and psychoanalyst, founding partner of The Community Consulting Group, and a supervisor of psychotherapy at the William Alanson White Institute. He has written extensively about the intersection of psychoanalysis and community crisis intervention. He is in private practice in New York City. Dr. Borg attended graduate school at the California School of Professional Psychology, where he earned both his MA and PhD in a dual-track program in clinical and community psychology. While there, Dr. Borg served on a four-year community empowerment project that was developed in South Central Los Angeles in the wake of the 1992 riots. Also at that time, he conducted individual and group psychotherapy at the AIDS Services Foundation in Orange County, California.

Grant H. Brenner, MD is a board-certified psychiatrist in private practice, specializing in treating mood and anxiety disorders and the complex problems that may arise in adulthood from childhood trauma and loss. He completed medical school at the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey and holds Certificates in Psychoanalysis and in Organizational Psychodynamics from the William Alanson White Institute. Dr. Brenner serves on the board of the nonprofit organization Disaster Psychiatry Outreach. He is a faculty member of the Mount Sinai Hospital and Director of the Trauma Service of the William Alanson White Institute. He is an editor of Creating Spiritual and Psychological Resilience: Integrating Care in Disaster Relief Work, and the author of several papers and book chapters related to disaster response.

Daniel Berry, RN, MHA has practiced as a Registered Nurse in New York City since 1987. He worked for almost two decades in community based programs and private care for HIV/AIDS and substance abuse populations. He is currently the Assistant Director of Nursing for Risk Management at a public hospital serving homeless and undocumented victims of street violence, drug addiction, and severe traumatic injuries. His work history includes employment at two of New York City’s major medical centers and as a visiting nurse in the homes of some of the city’s most privileged households as well as some of its most underprivileged housing projects.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments ix

Foreword xiii

Introduction All the Wrong Reasons 1

Using This Book 13

Part 1 Irrelationship on Stage Your Song-and-Dance Routine 15

Chapter 1 Anatomy of Irrelationship 17

Chapter 2 Performer or Audience? 29

Chapter 3 Short-Circuiting the Possibility of Love 35

Chapter 4 The Threat of Intimacy 45

Part 2 Getting to Know You Spotlight on the Performer and the Audience 67

Chapter 5 The Performer-Intuition Backfires into Isolation 69

Chapter 6 The Audience-Resisting Care 87

Part 3 Backstage the Inner Workings of Irrelationship 101

Chapter 7 Patterns and Pitfalls 103

Chapter 8 A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Adulthood 119

Part 4 Raising the Curtain on Recovery from Irrelationship to Real Relationship 139

Chapter 9 A Brand New world 141

Chapter 10 The Dream Sequence: Step-by-Step Recovery 151

Chapter 11 Living the Dream 179

Chapter 12 Zoe and Victor Break Free 197

Part 5 Encore Cracked Open for Love 219

Chapter 13 Cracked Open at Last 221

An Invitation from the Authors 227

Notes 229

Bibliography 235

About the Authors 239

Editorial Reviews

The road to recovery is stated in user-friendly, self-help terms—discover the unrealistic song-and-dance both partners are playing, seek to repair it (by sharing responsibility for the problem), and thereby empowering each other to make changes (alternative ways of thinking and behaving) through a mutuality of experience that permits the expression of love in all its wonderful, vital, unpredictable, even downside forms, as the way to find continued growth and collaboration for both members of the couple.” —Martin Bloom, PhD, Professor Emeritus, University of Connecticut



“Irrelationship is an invaluable user’s guide to the care and maintenance of adult relationships. It shines a light on challenges we often choose to ignore—the adoption of roles that limit us, the replaying of damaging patterns formed by our earliest experiences—and offers insightful and concrete advice on how to do the work necessary to build stronger and happier partnerships.” —Carolyn Parkhurst, Author of The Dogs of Babel and The Nobodies Album

“Irrelationship crosses the frontier of “self help” into a new area which the authors call “self-other help.” The DREAM Sequence used for recovery from irrelationship is designed for couples to work together and help them reconnect with the wonderful chemistry and emotional connections that initially drew them to one another.” —Diana Kirschner, PhD, Bestselling author of Love in 90 Days

From the Publisher