It Looks Like a C**k!

It Looks Like a C**k!

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by Ben, Jack
     
 

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We live in a beautiful, enchanting world, a startling universe resplendent with a cornucopia of multitudinous delights – the laughter of a child; the first rainfall after an endless, sweltering summer; the twinkling reflection of a full moon over a calm midnight lake on a cool autumnal night; a freshly baked ciabatta, straight from a Tuscan oven, coquettishly

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Overview

We live in a beautiful, enchanting world, a startling universe resplendent with a cornucopia of multitudinous delights – the laughter of a child; the first rainfall after an endless, sweltering summer; the twinkling reflection of a full moon over a calm midnight lake on a cool autumnal night; a freshly baked ciabatta, straight from a Tuscan oven, coquettishly handed to you by an olive skinned, raven-haired, nubile signorina by the name of Bernadetta.

This much we know.

Oh yeah, and there are some things that look like c**ks.

This is a hilarious, full-color book of things in this world that look like c**ks, and will appeal as a gag gift, an impulse buy, a naughty stocking stuffer, a little something for a bachelorette party, for frat boys and anyone else interested in things that look like c**ks.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

“Hilarious. Quite possibly the funniest book I've ever read.” —Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz actor, Simon Pegg

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780312595036
Publisher:
St. Martin's Press
Publication date:
03/16/2010
Edition description:
First Edition
Pages:
112
Sales rank:
843,344
Product dimensions:
5.20(w) x 6.20(h) x 0.60(d)

Read an Excerpt

It Looks Like a C**K!


By Ben Dunn, Jack Fogg

St. Martin's Press

Copyright © 2009 Ben Dunn and Jack Fogg
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4668-6786-4



CHAPTER 1

HOLE-IN-ONE (TESTICLE)

PROS

Tee off from the helmet, whack off the shaft, tickle off the scrote, and tease gently into the hole. Amigos, that's minigolf.

CONS

The flagpole?


MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED

PROS

Awesome, all the way from its stylish Mohican down to its rosy red radishes. This pampered pretty boy is really gonna break some hearts. Lucky prick.

CONS

Sadly, his nuts have defected to the dark side. Although, one has to admit, that's a fantastic set of nips.


VATICAN DECLARE 'MYSTERY ILLNESS' AS REASONS FOR POPE NO SHOW AT HISTORIC ADDRESS

PROS

But your Holiness, there are 400,000 people out there awaiting your speech. And honestly, I really like the new balcony. From the front it looks much more like St Peter cradling two watermelons.

CONS

Watermelons?! Waterf**kingmelons!! We both know what it looks like, and there's no way I'm speaking about the merits of contraception flanked by a couple of wangers. The rubbers stay off!


H2OHHHHHHH

PROS

Extreme rigidity with real potential for growth. So rare these days to come across a proper stonk on in the field. Simply marvelous.

CONS

Bizarre, feathery cockring, hopeless ballage which defies cataloguing. Utter chaos.


FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED

PROS

For starters I'll have the balled melon, and for mains I'll have Chef's spicy sausage with his creamy mash potatoes and a side of tossed salad. And can you slap some of that hot mustard on me?

CONS

Very good, Sir. And for dessert, I can heartily recommend the cheese. It's very, very smelly.


APOLLO 69?

PROS

Built by stoned NASA engineers in 1971 for a mission to probe the nether regions of Uranus and the fabled brown ring of Saturn, before dropping its fat load over Venus.

CONS

Sadly the project never got to first base and was canned once President Nixon got wind of it and told everyone at NASA to lay the hell off them doobies.


COME FRIENDLY DONGS AND FALL ON SLOUGH

PROS

Graceful, craning arc and inquisitive posture suggest questing personality and good sense of humor.

CONS

It's half a mile away!


LAZY LOB IN THE ARIZONA DESERT

PROS

Impressive rigidity. Inspiring angle which reminds one of semi-arousal of supine male.

CONS

Hypertrophic, shaved ballage which no one likes.


MARAUDING SKY-DONGER

PROS

Heroic representation. Well-defined helmet and appropriate shading.

CONS

Heavily distended urethra suggests botched circumcision as teenager.


BAFFLED POLICE SEARCH FOR LEADS AS VIAGRA MUGGERS STRIKE AGAIN

PROS

I never saw it coming. One minute I was walking home through the forest, the next minute I came to with a pounding headache, leaves in my hair, and a dirty great tear in the front of my pants.

CONS

Stop staring Detective Kowalski! Can't you see the man's been through enough?


A C**K IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS

PROS

We found poor Tito after a call from a concerned neighbor alerted us to his dreadful plight. We don't normally take in cactuses here at the sanctuary, but Tito was a special case and the other puppies took to him very quickly.

CONS

A fresh bowl of chow and a good tummy rub would normally get them out into the yard, but so far Tito has failed to respond; although his balls seem to like it.


MAN CAUGHT IN IMPOSSIBLE FELLATIO SCENARIO

PROS

Rare sighting of beautifully proportioned albino thumper. And, for the love of God, he's kissing it!

CONS

Abortive Prince Albert piercing hole and terrifying helmet scars.


CAPE COD SUMMER FAIR RUINED BY LATE ENTRY

PROS

Punishing girth, walloping great ballbags, preposterous length, vestigial foreskin doubling as handle ... Wow! Oh, and at just under 3ft, this delightful specimen can still be loaded as hand-luggage.

CONS

Precious few to mention. One of those rare, happy instances where criticism would be churlish, like chastising the gardener for growing inappropriate vegetables.


YOU SAY TOMATO, I SAY C**K

PROS

Enthusiastic pubic growth. Lovely, polished, glossy willy. Edible penis always a bonus.

CONS

Complete absence of man cherries and faint air of femininity may point to this not being a c**k at all. Overgrown clitoris; run for the hills!


REARGUARD ACTION BREAKTHROUGH FOR CRACK GERMAN SAUSAGE DIVISION

PROS

For a conventionally solitary, unruly beast, such strength in numbers is a rare and exciting find. Their leader has disciplined his boys well.

CONS

It's as we always feared – the Hun cloned the c**k!


STUNNED PALAEONTOLOGISTS UNEARTH CATEGORICAL EVIDENCE OF THE FABLED C**KOSAURUS

PROS

100% anatomically correct, with inch-perfect ratio of girth to length, accompanied by a lovely big set of nuts that really frame this enchanting scene. And to cap it all, it's a beautiful day for a bike ride.

CONS

The team broke a lot of spades in the rush to reveal this prehistoric marvel. And the poor saps are still digging for the helmet.


WELCOME TO LONDON'S C**KLANDS

PROS

Perfect c**kage with self-cleansing nob end courtesy of Old Father Thames.

CONS

A little on the short side. On the soft? Dresses to the left – hopelessly out of fashion!


ICE GUYS FINISH LAST

PROS

GRETZKY LOOKS TO SCORE: Soft, free-thinking, artistic, with GSOH. Loves animals, long walks, ice-skating. WLTM female with cold hands. What's wrong with just being a really nice guy?

CONS

Hi, it's me. I know we had a great time last night at the rink, but I've realized that I see you more as a friend than anything else. And seriously, this has absolutely nothing to do with your total lack of chestnuts.


WHAT DO YOU CALL A MAN WITH A 200FT STONE PENIS?

PROS

No pant could ever claim to tame this monstrous Frankenc**k (although to be fair, none have tried). Erosion has done for the minor body parts, but 'Big Tufty' just won't go down.

CONS

Semi-derelict state has left Big Tufty all alone, save for his patchy and unsettling pubic growth. 'Why you laugh at Big Tufty? Big Tufty have feelings too.'


ROBOC**K

PROS

Too quick with the zipper? Shut yourself in the shower door? Hang-glided into a cactus? Your prayers are answered! New Roboc**k 3000 comes equipped with solid steel thunder stick, 3-speed auto-thruster and revolutionary jet-powered Detachoballs(tm),†.

CONS

† Roboc**k Ltd accepts absolutely no responsibility for spontaneous take-off of Detachoballs(tm).


IF YOU GO DOWN TO THE WOODS TODAY ...

PROS

Cleft helmet a real life-saver for those hot, sticky summers, topped off with some excellent filigree work that exhibits a naughty sense of the absurd.

CONS

Just like Mama's chili con carne, smooth as silk on the way in, rough as old boots on the way out.


GARDENER SUSPENDED OVER INSENSITIVE PLANTING FOR WHITE HOUSE SUMMER PARTY

PROS

Placed in convivial surroundings and given time to mature, this cross-gartered, multi-balled exotic makes for a lovely conversation piece. Shame, Monica would have loved it ...

CONS

The party was grooving until that asshole Rahm Emanuel gave it a tickle and all hell broke loose. The puppies shat up the new basketball courts, Hilary chinned Barack and Michelle's holed herself up in the Oval Office.


FROZEN JEWISH PECKER RIDES THE SEVEN SEAS

PROS

Crisp, deep and even sculpture of classic communal shower c**k (turn 90 degrees). Gives global warming a good name.

CONS

Unnerving combination of young man's 'head' on old man's 'shoulders'.


DR PENISTONE, I PRESUME

PROS

Day 27: Dearest Jenkins, I write to you in a state of extreme arousal. We came across the mighty Wang-Tu-Tu this morning, mercifully sleeping off the exertions of the night before. The wager is won, the museum is saved and you might want to put down fresh sawdust in the guest bedroom.

CONS

Such was the ferocity of the encounter that my hitherto trusted companion Matubu turned heel and legged it into the scrub, taking with him my good trousers, an ounce of raspberry tobacco and what was left of the Grey Poupon.


JOHNSON 3:16

PROS

For God so loved the world that He thrust upon us His terrifying tumescence so we might feel humbled and insecure every time we drop our Y-fronts.

CONS

And lo, on the fourth day God regretted His childish prank, and there was very little rejoicing.


FEMALE GOLF PROFESSIONAL CELEBRATES LATEST VICTORY AND TAKES HOME YETI'S MEAT

PROS

Delicate, reverential handling exhibits rightful respect for this frankly awesome locker room favorite.

CONS

Rectangular scrotum, dimpled bell-end, overly planed shaft – home DIY enthusiast?


JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER

PROS

'Understand this, Chief. I'm the Mayor of this town and you must be one clam short of a Vongole if you think I'm going to close down the beaches because you've seen another man-eater in the water.'

CONS

'Don't you see? This ain't no kissy-girl dolphin, this ain't no faggoty shark, this is a c**k, goddammit! Have you seen what these things can do to people? Now, I'm gonna need a fishing rod, a pair of thigh-high waders, and a laminated picture of your wife.'


FOOTBALL TEAM ILL AT EASE WITH REFEREE'S UNORTHODOX APPROACH TO PRE-MATCH STUD INSPECTION

PROS

Game-winning thunder thighs leading up to a streamlined set of buns so tight you could bounce a silver dollar off them.

CONS

Hairy ass crack a definite hazard in the line of scrimmage. Unnecessary roughness: 15 yard penalty.


GOODNESS, GRACIOUS, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE

PROS

Crimson red, unspoiled, virginal package, just ripe for the picking. Dimpled surface area will control overheating and prevent the torture of sweaty ballbags (and associated chafing).

CONS

The splendor of this guy's mighty stones suggest that he's been waiting patiently for Ms Right. CODE RED! The next girl to turn on this tiny tap better have her skirt tucked into her knickers.


OUT AND ABOUT WITH GORDON GEKKO'S WANG

PROS

A handsome, gregarious go-getter. Top-of-the-range executive penis to subdue ambitious underlings and boardroom flare-ups.

CONS

Completely inconsiderate and highly impractical. For business use only.


WIDOW DISTRAUGHT AS HUSBAND'S WAKE IS EMPTIED BY SON-IN-LAW'S TASTELESS OFFERING

PROS

Hi. Can I order a floral tribute, mainly blue and white flowers? I don't know, say seventy roses with a bit of foliage. Oh, and, can you make it in the shape of a c**k, please?

CONS

Not good enough for your daughter, was I? Hope you like the flowers, you old dead bastard.


GEORGE HARRISON'S LOVE WAND HEADLINES BEATLES MEMORABILIA AUCTION

PROS

A unique chance to own this very special portion of the Fab Four. Practically in mint condition, George's infamous chopper was reputedly inspiration for such memorable hits as 'Come Together', 'Don't Let Me Down', 'The Long and Winding Road', 'You've Got to Hide Your Love' and 'Norwegian Wood'.

CONS

Sadly, the certificate of authenticity was misplaced in transit, but Ringo says that this is definitely George's rhythm stick.


PORKY'S APPRECIATION SOCIETY BANNED BY HARVARD AFTER DEAN'S OFFICE 'DONGED'

PROS

Look guys, I'm a big fan of the movie too, and don't think I can't appreciate the ingenuity that went into turning my best Egyptian cotton sheets into that handsome window wanger. And, by the way, the venting in the helmet? Inspired.

CONS

But after you guys concealed yourselves in the cavity wall of the ladies' bathroom AND rigged up my wife's dressing room with a live webcam, I'm afraid you've taken the decision out of my hands. You brought it on yourselves boys – the PAS has shot its last bolt.


FIELD OF DREAMS

PROS

Gargantuan proportions make this the perfect pilgrimage site for all lovers of the blue-veined flute.

CONS

Being only visible from the air makes this Jolly Green Giant the preserve of the privileged few.


STREET SWEEPERS WALK OUT AFTER SEWAGE WORKERS' PRACTICAL JOKE TAKES A NASTY TURN

PROS

'Come on lads, where's your sense of humor? It's only a little one. You're lucky we didn't send the balls up.'

CONS

'It's a hard enough job at the best of times without steel penises coming at you at 100 miles an hour. That last one those idiots fired up split my broom and nearly knocked my garbage can over.'


THE BIGGER THEY COME, THE HARDER THEY FALL

PROS

Come on big fella, don't let them see you like this. Of course they're gonna say nasty things, they're jealous. Remember what they always say, 'It's nice to put on Speedos when you're hung like a torpedo.'

CONS

Jesus, if this is what you're like when you're sad, I'd hate to see you when you're happy.

And don't think you're getting a hug either.


NEW BRANCH OF CONTROVERSIAL CHURCH OF C**KOLOGY OFF TO SLOW START

PROS

Founded upon the teachings of Bhagwan Shree Tom Selleck, C**kology preaches the compulsory wearing of short terry cloth dressing-gowns, the euphoria of high-waisted tight jeans and some other weird stuff about aliens and chest wigs and arousing topiary.

CONS

We've been open for 3 weeks and all we've got is Shaggy and Scooby sitting out there stoned in the hippie wagon. Better call Selleck's brother and tell him the talk's off.


YOUNG BRIDE SUMMONS EXORCIST AS X-RATED HAUNTING CONTINUES

PROS

Father, it happened again last night, exactly like before. Soon after my husband came to bed, I heard the toilet flush, there was a rustling under the covers, followed by a loud groan, then a big, hot wad of something hit me in the face.

CONS

Hush my child, everything will be fine. Sexorcisms like this are simple affairs: pop a bottle of wine in the ice box, put on some Enya, run a hot, soapy bath, and I'll slip on a cassock and my best crucifix and be at yours in half an hour.


IS IT A BIRD, IS IT A PLANE ...?

PROS

By day a mild-mannered, cheese-shaped office building, by night a 400ft crime-fighting brick dick.

CONS

Massive concrete foundations and underground car park mean that unless the crime occurs within the immediate vicinity, this frustrated daredevil is of absolutely no use.


ANIMAL, VEGETABLE, MINERAL ... PENIS?

PROS

Stuffed with sausage and topped with a melted Dutch gouda, this hot and handsome devil makes for an electric accompaniment to a pigeon breast and cous cous main. Bon appetit!

CONS

Whoa there big fella, this dirty beast is for dinner with your mistress, not supper with the wife. Remember, it's your children she's kissing with that mouth.


(Continues...)

Excerpted from It Looks Like a C**K! by Ben Dunn, Jack Fogg. Copyright © 2009 Ben Dunn and Jack Fogg. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Meet the Author

Ben and Jack are two ordinary guys, living ordinary lives, with ordinary passions and desires. There is absolutely nothing unusual about the things they like. They enjoy nothing better than to spend their time together searching for the things that they both like, and which are absolutely okay to look for.

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It Looks Like a C**k! 5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 2 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Where you do your mission.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago