It's Always Personal: Emotion in the New Workplace

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Overview

How often have we heard “It’s nothing against you, it’s not personal—it’s just business”? But in fact, at work it’s never just business—it’s always personal.In this groundbreaking look at what’s really going on from 9 to 5—the crying, yelling, and bullying, as well as the friendship and laughter borne of creative collaboration—journalist and former corporate executive Anne Kreamer shows us how to get rational about our emotions, and provides the necessary new tools to flourish ...
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It's Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace

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Overview

How often have we heard “It’s nothing against you, it’s not personal—it’s just business”? But in fact, at work it’s never just business—it’s always personal.In this groundbreaking look at what’s really going on from 9 to 5—the crying, yelling, and bullying, as well as the friendship and laughter borne of creative collaboration—journalist and former corporate executive Anne Kreamer shows us how to get rational about our emotions, and provides the necessary new tools to flourish in an emotionally charged workplace. 

With women now the majority of the workforce and the lines between office and personal life blurring as never before, the dynamics of work have shifted profoundly. It’s Always Personal combines the latest information on the intricacies of the human brain, candid stories from employees, and the surprising results of two new national surveys, reported here for the first time, which reached out to workers from all walks of life about their emotions on the job.

Both timely and crucial, It’s Always Personal also reveals
 
• a neurological understanding of the six main emotional flashpoints: anger, fear, anxiety, empathy, joy, and crying
• an exploration of why we as a society self-defeatingly regard displays of emotion in the workplace as shameful, and how the different emotional rules applied to men and women affect our modern notions of gender equality
• evidence that suppressing emotions can actually have a negative impact on companies’ bottom lines
• a step-by-step guide for identifying your emotional type: Spouter, Accepter, Believer, or Solver, with appropriate tactics for dealing with that style in a complex work environment
• Emotion Management Toolkits that provide the means to cope with specific emotionally challenging situations

An innovative study of gender, emotion, and power, It’s Always Personal is an essential companion for everyone—managers and employees alike—navigating the often confusing and challenging realities of the contemporary workplace.

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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
As former Worldwide Creative Director for Nickelodeon, Kreamer was familiar with the conventional wisdom that for women to succeed in the workplace they had to "act like men," which is to say quash emotion, develop "thicker" skin, be more aggressive, and certainly, absolutely, positively never cry (she didn't adhere to this wisdom when her boss, Sumner Redstone, screamed at her one day). But this conventional wisdom is not only antiquated, but, according to modern research, counterproductive; it ignores the strengths of men and women and leads to lower productivity. Emotional intelligence and rationality about emotion (contradictory as it may sound) are key to the modern workplace and actually play to the strengths of men and women. Kreamer's second book (after Going Gray: What I Learned About Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else that Really Matters) is thoughtful, well-researched, and arrives just as women are outnumbering men in the workplace for the first time. Kreamer makes a solid case for her philosophy in the most compelling way possible, by appealing to rationality and the bottom line, resulting in an extremely readable, well-reasoned volume that will leave readers with a heightened emotional intelligence of their own, more confidence and rationality about their emotions, and an ability to take that knowledge to the office.
(c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.
From the Publisher
Praise for It's Always Personal:

“Throughout this heartfelt book, Ms. Kreamer comes down on the side of accepting and expressing one’s authentic feelings, though in sensible and constructive ways. “It’s Always Personal” argues that greater emotional openness could lend vitality to American business, and it urges both men and women to ‘bring their full, true selves to the game.’ It’s a stimulating read bolstered by snippets of some of the best recent work on emotional intelligence and the science of happiness.”
—Clare McHugh, The Wall Street Journal

"It's Always Personal will transform the way you look at office culture and work relationships.  In an insightful analysis packed with research, evidence, and real-life examples, Kreamer demonstrates why emotion matters so much in the workplace--and, with practical advice, she identifies ways to be happier and more effective at work." 
--Gretchen Rubin, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness Project
 
"This will be one of the most fascinating and useful books you'll ever read.  In this groundbreaking study, Anne Kreamer looks at emotion in the workplace through first-hand experiences, scientific research, and empirical data.  What's the role of anger, fear empathy, anxiety and tears?  This book explains them in ways that will make you a better worker, boss and human being." 
--Walter Isaacson, President and CEO, The Aspen Institute and former CEO of CNN   
 
"It's Always Personal made me want to stand up and cheer!  I love this book.  And every person who has ever been a boss or an employee needs to read it.  Superb reading and highly practical!" 
--Christiane Northrup, M.D., New York Times bestselling author of Women's Bodies,Women's Wisdom and The Wisdom of Menopause

“A magnificent book, deeply researched, fun to read.  Destined to become a classic in the field of women and work.”
--Dr. Louann Brizendine, New York Times bestselling author of The Female Brain

"Anne Kreamer’s fascinating book...is the next pick for the Color of Money Book Club.  To better manage your feelings, Kreamer recommends building an emotion-management toolkit... So, you know what? Cry if you want to. Just use the suggestions and techniques Kreamer outlines to make sure your weeping doesn’t get in the way of your work." 
The Washington Post

 “Kreamer makes a solid case for her philosophy in the most compelling way possible, by appealing to rationality and the bottom line, resulting in an extremely readable, well-reasoned volume that will leave readers with a heightened emotional intelligence of their own, more confidence and rationality about their emotions, and an ability to take that knowledge to the office.”
—Publisher’s Weekly Review

“Big girls do cry—and yell—at work, according to this lively, well-researched exploration of emotions on the job.”
O, The Oprah Magazine
 
“…what makes Kreamer’s book transcend Who Moved My Cheese-yness is the tension that thrums beneath her ex-executive optimism…and also her own still-palpable disappointment in the corporate sphere.”
Elle Magazine

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781400067978
  • Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
  • Publication date: 3/29/2011
  • Pages: 256
  • Product dimensions: 5.70 (w) x 8.30 (h) x 1.00 (d)

Meet the Author

Anne Kreamer is the author of Going Gray:What I Learned about Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity and Everything Else that Really Matters, a former executive vice president and worldwide creative director of Nickelodeon, part of the founding team of SPY magazine, and a onetime columnist for both Fast Company and Martha Stewart Living. Her work has appeared in Time, Real Simple, Travel & Leisure, and More. She graduated from Harvard College and lives in Brooklyn with her husband, the writer Kurt Andersen.
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Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1
The Moment of Truth
 
“Experience is not what happens to a man, it is what a man does with what happens to him.”
– Aldous Huxley
 
Late in the day, May 18th, 1993, I was celebrating the completion of a very important piece of business with a few colleagues in my high-rise office in Times Square, right in the electric center of Manhattan.  I was a 37-year-old senior vice president, heading up the consumer products and publishing division of Nickelodeon, the children’s’ cable channel, and we’d just announced a huge, unprecedented deal with Sony to create and market home videos of hit Nickelodeon shows such as Rugrats and Ren & Stimpy. 
 
My team and I were experiencing that rush of euphoria, the physical high when endorphins flood the body after any competition is won, a test aced, an adversary outmaneuvered.   Getting the deal done had been stressful, filled with tough meetings, late nights and frayed nerves -- and sharing in the glory of the moment of triumph heightened our sense of accomplishment.   Like teammates obsessively rerunning the game films of our championship season, each of us took a turn, recounting different pieces of the story, weaving our collective insiders’ tale of the Great Deal by reliving the emotional ups and downs of the previous 18 months.  
 
“How many business models do you think we ran?  A hundred?”
“A million.  If I ever hear the words ‘sell through’ again I’ll scream.” 
“Or ‘stock keeping unit.’”
“Do you remember management grilling us on our P&L’s?  It was like the Inquisition!”
“And the look on those guys’ faces at Disney when we told them sorry, but $18 million just wasn’t good enough! Damn, that felt great.” 
 
We convulsed with laughter when a junior team member perfectly imitated the way a certain big-name lawyer had waddled shoeless around his office during some of our meetings. 
 
Maybe our repartee was not the stuff of legend, but the experience of creating and closing the deal had enriched personal connections that we wanted to savor.  We were giddy, simultaneously exhausted from the countless negotiating hours and ecstatic from finally finishing it.  No matter how trivial the recollection or joke, we were members of a troupe performing for one another, and it felt great. It was a go-go time in the country and a seriously go-go time at Nickelodeon, then just 12 years old.  We were the zeitgeist.  We were the champions.   And if you’ve ever closed a big deal or helped build an up-and-coming organization, you know how we were feeling.  Golden. 
 
The phone rang.
 
My assistant shouted out, “Oh, man – it’s Sumner! On line one!”
 
That’s Sumner as in Sumner Redstone, then as now the chairman and majority owner of Viacom, Inc., the parent company of Nickelodeon.   During my three years at the company Redstone had rarely spoken to me, and had never phoned.  
 
I gaily answered. How generous of Sumner, I thought, to take the time and make the effort to thank me personally.  Now that’s a good boss. This was it.  My personal moment of glory.
 
I eagerly picked up the phone, anticipating verbal high-fives, a congratulatory exchange about what a great job we’d done.  Instead, Redstone, at that moment nine days shy of 70 years old, started screaming at me.
 
What?!
 
I was absolutely blindsided, sucker-punched.  I hunched over the telephone, turned my back on my colleagues and gazed, unseeingly, at the high-rise across the street.
 
My vision narrowed, no ambient sound penetrated my hearing, as Redstone’s rant seemed to magnify in intensity and reverberate throughout my brain and body.  I felt my heart racing. My head got that muffled sense of being stuffed with cotton. My palms, which never sweat, moistened.  He was the lion and I was the prey.  It felt like an out-of-body experience, as I seemed to watch my quivering helpless self from above. 
 
Redstone wasn’t delivering strategic or tactical criticism, but rather personally attacking me. I could practically feel his spittle frothing out of my telephone receiver.  I sat there, feeling tears well up, supremely disappointed in being so undervalued for my many months of hard work and mortified to be emotionally bludgeoned in this way in front of colleagues, particularly for something over which I had no control.
 
And the cause of his rage?   In spite of healthy media coverage, including a positive piece in The Wall Street Journal, the public announcement of the Sony deal had failed to make Viacom’s stock price move up.  
 
Unbeknownst to me and most of the world, Redstone was at that time planning a hostile takeover of Paramount Communications  -- which he in fact consummated nine months later -- and it was thus essential to him that his currency for the acquisition, Viacom’s stock, rise in value quickly and significantly.  But how could I have known that the announcement of Nickelodeon’s home video deal with Sony had been expected to push up the share price?  I was an executive in a division within a division of the parent company.  Perhaps my bosses knew of this high-stakes expectation, but I certainly didn’t.   And even if I had known, how and why could I be held responsible for how the stock market responded? As important as the deal was for Nickelodeon, in the overall scheme of Viacom's annual revenues ($1.9 billion in 1993), our $25 million deal was extremely modest.
 
Redstone continued in full-on attack mode.  “Do you know what you’ve done?” is the one line I remember from the tirade.  Mainly it was his vituperative rage that registered in my mind.  There was no pretense of civility, let alone reasonableness. I kept mumbling apologies: I’m so sorry, sir. I had no idea.
 
I was startled and incensed.  My anger at the injustice of being singled out for abuse made me feel like exploding.  But I couldn’t.  To express what I was really feeling would have been professional suicide. I had no doubt that he’d have fired me on the spot.  Instead, as I was outwardly groveling, inwardly I had a parallel conversation running in my head:  “WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS? GET OUT OF MY FACE, YOU IMPOSSIBLE OLD MAN!  YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING!”   But you know what?  Interior monologues aren’t very emotionally satisfying.
 
Less than ninety seconds after I’d happily picked up the phone, Redstone, without a goodbye, hung up.  The viciousness of the assault and the suddenness with which he ended it were breathtaking.  In shock and frustration, having been too stunned and scared to defend myself, the tears that had begun to well up during the call spilled out as I tried to process the information.  Was I at fault? Had I done something wrong? Why hadn’t anyone told me how critical Redstone considered the deal? What could I have done differently? 
 
I was physically shaking with the anger I felt I could not safely, appropriately express, and my body understood that I had to expel that anger somehow…so I cried.  Bam!   Just like that.  In less than two minutes I’d gone from feeling on top of the world to feeling like scum on a pond – and, worse, a specific pathetic subspecies, crying female scum.
 
If I had been alone in my office during the call, I surely would have really sobbed, letting it all out, discharging my feelings, then gotten up, gone home, had a glass of wine (or two, or three), vented to my husband, helped myself relieve some of my pain and moved on.  But because I’d been reamed out and cried in front of an audience I was embarrassed, and felt like I had to bottle up my feelings. By itself, being yelled at or feeling intense anger or crying in public is tough enough to deal with, but the trifecta combination felt exponentially humiliating.   I wiped my eyes and while my roiling emotions – shock, anger, anxiety, fear, and sadness -- warred within, in the nanosecond it took to swivel my chair back to face the group I had to decide how I should present Redstone’s call to the team.  On one hand, I wanted their sympathy and support. What right did that removed-from-reality jerk have to lambast me?  To bolster my just-battered self-esteem I craved the team’s who-does-he-think-he-is outrage on my behalf, on our behalf.   But it wasn’t such an easy decision.  I worried that I might lose face.  I also was concerned that I’d feel better if they rallied around me, but only at their expense.  Did I really want them to think that all of their sacrifices -- their late nights, long business trips and stress were wasted?  No way.  I was their boss.   Both to shore up my sense that we had done a good job and to shield the team from feeling discredited, I decided as I turned my chair to pretend like the call was no big deal.
 
I have no recollection of what happened next because specific detail from those moments has been lost to me in the haze of post-traumatic stress that followed.  Fearing a total meltdown, I recollect that with a wobbly smile I avoided saying anything detailed about the call managing, perhaps, to force out an uninspired, “Great job, everyone. I am suddenly so tired I can hardly hold my head up.  How about we call it a day and all go home?”  I had no ability to fake it any further and needed to be alone.  And fast.
 
You’d think a 15-years-in-the-workforce executive would have been toughened up and more cynical about work -- who among us hasn’t had a boss unjustly snarl or shout at us? -- but it wasn’t until the day after the call that I fully appreciated that my work was really, finally just a job.  Up to then I’d felt like a member of the A-Team, part of one of those splendidly serendipitous confluences when a few very lucky people happen to be in the right place at the right time with a shared vision and the resources to realize their dreams. Only after the call did I viscerally understand that our mission was not to make the world a better place for kids, it was to produce a momentary uptick in a stock price.  I was merely one teensy machine part that could be capriciously ripped out and smashed and discarded.  That perhaps naïve seeming epiphany, that tiny isotope of grievance -- I’m killing myself for this kind of treatment? – began to metastasize over time.
 
Two years, seven months and fifteen days after I cried at work, I quit, without a new job.
 
In the scheme of things was what I experienced that afternoon really such a big deal?  No.  Was Redstone’s anger at me legitimate? No.  Was crying my only option?  For me it was.  Should I have felt even worse because I did cry?  No. Did Redstone make it personal?  Yes.  Did I take it personally?  Yes. 
 
But let’s widen the scope of those questions beyond my case.  Is it a real problem that while emotion underlies nearly all important work decisions, most of us most of the time pretend it’s not so? Yes. Is it a problem that we remain clueless about why and how emotion drives work, and about how we should handle it? Absolutely.  Might someone else handle a similar situation differently? You bet.
 
Take the case of Cyndi Stivers, the managing editor of Entertainment Weekly’s EW.com.  On paper she and I are similar. We both started working in the late seventies, part of the second major modern wave of women to enter the labor force, and we have both worked in a variety of different areas of the media.   But we are very different in our operating styles.   
 
While I like to believe that at core I’m a relatively even-keeled person, the truth is that it is always a huge effort for me to project outward calm.  As you might guess, my emotions, both good and bad, always run close to the surface.  I regularly tear up reading stories of personal sacrifice in the paper and even when watching treacly television commercials celebrating our shared humanity.   I become overtly enthusiastic when good ideas emerge during brainstorming sessions or when someone does their work exceptionally well.  To me, these are good qualities – ones that make me empathetic and fuel my creativity.  But the flip side of this sensitivity is that I also tend to obsess about slights or problems that would be insignificant to others, a stewing-over-everything quality that makes me vulnerable to feeling overly agitated by the inevitable ups and downs of everyday life. And yet while this thin skin sometimes can interfere with my effectiveness, my preoccupation with how others view me can also inspire me to consistently try to do my best.  So who is to say what level of emotional sensitivity is optimal? I believe that I was born sensitive and that’s neither a good thing nor a bad thing in and of itself. It’s simply part of who I am.
 
What was an almost insurmountable challenge for me as an executive, I now know, was my sense that my sensitivity was something negative in the context of work, something weak and inferior in me that should be subverted or conquered.  Consequently, the whole “man-up” bravado that I felt was required of me on the job became a chronic and ever-increasing source of stress during the 20 years I rose through the ranks.  The “work” of acting like a manager often felt more challenging to me than the work itself.  Whenever I walked into the extremely extroverted, game-on! MTV Networks culture, a hard partying, cowboys-making-up-the-rules-as-we-went-along, the more-outrageous-the-idea-or-behavior-the-better office environment, I felt like I had to put on my game face.   I developed an artificial persona of the tough-talking, hard-drinking executive.  Which meant, in other words, that I forced myself to act more like a guy. 
 
Cyndi, on the other hand, seems to thrive in a variety of different kinds of work situations, always projecting a seemingly effortless level of calm and, unlike me, she doesn’t seem prone to chewing over possible slights.  While I’m certain she deals with extremely high levels of anxiety, from my perspective she could be the poster girl for the unflappable executive. Unlike my perpetual state of personal/professional personality dissonance, Cyndi also seems to have no difficulty reconciling her professional and private selves.  At work or at a party, she radiates an optimistic attitude which is in sync with her cheerful exterior.  Her appearance, particularly when she was younger – a turned-up nose, apple cheeks and dimples – often would make people in work situations dismiss her as un-serious. But it’s more than just appearance -- Cyndi projects the aura of a person with a high internal set point for happiness.  In the same way I believe I was born sensitive, Cyndi says, “I am hard-wired to be cheerful.”  And she turned her naturally upbeat disposition to her advantage, discovering that “there is strength and resilience that some may not expect. And I guess because I’m a WASP, I’m not a big crier.”
 
To demonstrate her even-keeled nature, Cyndi recalled a time when she felt challenged.  Fairly early on in her career as she was discussing the ins and outs of a new job for a competing magazine over lunch at the UN Plaza with her former boss and mentor, Clay Felker [founder of New York magazine and former editor of Esquire and The Village Voice], Cyndi benefited from valuable professional advice from an unusual source.
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Table of Contents

1 The Moment of Truth 3

2 Emotion 101 20

3 The Anger Epidemic 48

4 On Being Afraid 72

5 Our Age of Anxiety 91

6 Empathy: We Do Get by with a Little Help from Our Friends 112

7 Big Girls Do Cry 132

8 Beyond the Facts of Life 148

9 The Four Profiles-Which One Are You? 157

10 Bouncing Back 171

11 Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy: Creativity at Work 181

12 We May Have Come from Mars and Venus, but We All Live on Earth 202

Acknowledgments 213

Bibliography 215

Index 223

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First Chapter

It's Always Personal

Emotion in the New Workplace
By Anne Kreamer

Random House

Copyright © 2011 Anne Kreamer
All right reserved.

ISBN: 9781400067978

CHAPTER 1
The Moment of Truth
 
“Experience is not what happens to a man, it is what a man does with what happens to him.”
– Aldous Huxley
 
Late in the day, May 18th, 1993, I was celebrating the completion of a very important piece of business with a few colleagues in my high-rise office in Times Square, right in the electric center of Manhattan.  I was a 37-year-old senior vice president, heading up the consumer products and publishing division of Nickelodeon, the children’s’ cable channel, and we’d just announced a huge, unprecedented deal with Sony to create and market home videos of hit Nickelodeon shows such as Rugrats and Ren & Stimpy. 
 
My team and I were experiencing that rush of euphoria, the physical high when endorphins flood the body after any competition is won, a test aced, an adversary outmaneuvered.   Getting the deal done had been stressful, filled with tough meetings, late nights and frayed nerves -- and sharing in the glory of the moment of triumph heightened our sense of accomplishment.   Like teammates obsessively rerunning the game films of our championship season, each of us took a turn, recounting different pieces of the story, weaving our collective insiders’ tale of the Great Deal by reliving the emotional ups and downs of the previous 18 months.  
 
“How many business models do you think we ran?  A hundred?”
“A million.  If I ever hear the words ‘sell through’ again I’ll scream.” 
“Or ‘stock keeping unit.’”
“Do you remember management grilling us on our P&L’s?  It was like the Inquisition!”
“And the look on those guys’ faces at Disney when we told them sorry, but $18 million just wasn’t good enough! Damn, that felt great.” 
 
We convulsed with laughter when a junior team member perfectly imitated the way a certain big-name lawyer had waddled shoeless around his office during some of our meetings. 
 
Maybe our repartee was not the stuff of legend, but the experience of creating and closing the deal had enriched personal connections that we wanted to savor.  We were giddy, simultaneously exhausted from the countless negotiating hours and ecstatic from finally finishing it.  No matter how trivial the recollection or joke, we were members of a troupe performing for one another, and it felt great. It was a go-go time in the country and a seriously go-go time at Nickelodeon, then just 12 years old.  We were the zeitgeist.  We were the champions.   And if you’ve ever closed a big deal or helped build an up-and-coming organization, you know how we were feeling.  Golden. 
 
The phone rang.
 
My assistant shouted out, “Oh, man – it’s Sumner! On line one!”
 
That’s Sumner as in Sumner Redstone, then as now the chairman and majority owner of Viacom, Inc., the parent company of Nickelodeon.   During my three years at the company Redstone had rarely spoken to me, and had never phoned.  
 
I gaily answered. How generous of Sumner, I thought, to take the time and make the effort to thank me personally.  Now that’s a good boss. This was it.  My personal moment of glory.
 
I eagerly picked up the phone, anticipating verbal high-fives, a congratulatory exchange about what a great job we’d done.  Instead, Redstone, at that moment nine days shy of 70 years old, started screaming at me.
 
What?!
 
I was absolutely blindsided, sucker-punched.  I hunched over the telephone, turned my back on my colleagues and gazed, unseeingly, at the high-rise across the street.
 
My vision narrowed, no ambient sound penetrated my hearing, as Redstone’s rant seemed to magnify in intensity and reverberate throughout my brain and body.  I felt my heart racing. My head got that muffled sense of being stuffed with cotton. My palms, which never sweat, moistened.  He was the lion and I was the prey.  It felt like an out-of-body experience, as I seemed to watch my quivering helpless self from above. 
 
Redstone wasn’t delivering strategic or tactical criticism, but rather personally attacking me. I could practically feel his spittle frothing out of my telephone receiver.  I sat there, feeling tears well up, supremely disappointed in being so undervalued for my many months of hard work and mortified to be emotionally bludgeoned in this way in front of colleagues, particularly for something over which I had no control.
 
And the cause of his rage?   In spite of healthy media coverage, including a positive piece in The Wall Street Journal, the public announcement of the Sony deal had failed to make Viacom’s stock price move up.  
 
Unbeknownst to me and most of the world, Redstone was at that time planning a hostile takeover of Paramount Communications  -- which he in fact consummated nine months later -- and it was thus essential to him that his currency for the acquisition, Viacom’s stock, rise in value quickly and significantly.  But how could I have known that the announcement of Nickelodeon’s home video deal with Sony had been expected to push up the share price?  I was an executive in a division within a division of the parent company.  Perhaps my bosses knew of this high-stakes expectation, but I certainly didn’t.   And even if I had known, how and why could I be held responsible for how the stock market responded? As important as the deal was for Nickelodeon, in the overall scheme of Viacom's annual revenues ($1.9 billion in 1993), our $25 million deal was extremely modest.
 
Redstone continued in full-on attack mode.  “Do you know what you’ve done?” is the one line I remember from the tirade.  Mainly it was his vituperative rage that registered in my mind.  There was no pretense of civility, let alone reasonableness. I kept mumbling apologies: I’m so sorry, sir. I had no idea.
 
I was startled and incensed.  My anger at the injustice of being singled out for abuse made me feel like exploding.  But I couldn’t.  To express what I was really feeling would have been professional suicide. I had no doubt that he’d have fired me on the spot.  Instead, as I was outwardly groveling, inwardly I had a parallel conversation running in my head:  “WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS? GET OUT OF MY FACE, YOU IMPOSSIBLE OLD MAN!  YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING!”   But you know what?  Interior monologues aren’t very emotionally satisfying.
 
Less than ninety seconds after I’d happily picked up the phone, Redstone, without a goodbye, hung up.  The viciousness of the assault and the suddenness with which he ended it were breathtaking.  In shock and frustration, having been too stunned and scared to defend myself, the tears that had begun to well up during the call spilled out as I tried to process the information.  Was I at fault? Had I done something wrong? Why hadn’t anyone told me how critical Redstone considered the deal? What could I have done differently? 
 
I was physically shaking with the anger I felt I could not safely, appropriately express, and my body understood that I had to expel that anger somehow…so I cried.  Bam!   Just like that.  In less than two minutes I’d gone from feeling on top of the world to feeling like scum on a pond – and, worse, a specific pathetic subspecies, crying female scum.
 
If I had been alone in my office during the call, I surely would have really sobbed, letting it all out, discharging my feelings, then gotten up, gone home, had a glass of wine (or two, or three), vented to my husband, helped myself relieve some of my pain and moved on.  But because I’d been reamed out and cried in front of an audience I was embarrassed, and felt like I had to bottle up my feelings. By itself, being yelled at or feeling intense anger or crying in public is tough enough to deal with, but the trifecta combination felt exponentially humiliating.   I wiped my eyes and while my roiling emotions – shock, anger, anxiety, fear, and sadness -- warred within, in the nanosecond it took to swivel my chair back to face the group I had to decide how I should present Redstone’s call to the team.  On one hand, I wanted their sympathy and support. What right did that removed-from-reality jerk have to lambast me?  To bolster my just-battered self-esteem I craved the team’s who-does-he-think-he-is outrage on my behalf, on our behalf.   But it wasn’t such an easy decision.  I worried that I might lose face.  I also was concerned that I’d feel better if they rallied around me, but only at their expense.  Did I really want them to think that all of their sacrifices -- their late nights, long business trips and stress were wasted?  No way.  I was their boss.   Both to shore up my sense that we had done a good job and to shield the team from feeling discredited, I decided as I turned my chair to pretend like the call was no big deal.
 
I have no recollection of what happened next because specific detail from those moments has been lost to me in the haze of post-traumatic stress that followed.  Fearing a total meltdown, I recollect that with a wobbly smile I avoided saying anything detailed about the call managing, perhaps, to force out an uninspired, “Great job, everyone. I am suddenly so tired I can hardly hold my head up.  How about we call it a day and all go home?”  I had no ability to fake it any further and needed to be alone.  And fast.
 
You’d think a 15-years-in-the-workforce executive would have been toughened up and more cynical about work -- who among us hasn’t had a boss unjustly snarl or shout at us? -- but it wasn’t until the day after the call that I fully appreciated that my work was really, finally just a job.  Up to then I’d felt like a member of the A-Team, part of one of those splendidly serendipitous confluences when a few very lucky people happen to be in the right place at the right time with a shared vision and the resources to realize their dreams. Only after the call did I viscerally understand that our mission was not to make the world a better place for kids, it was to produce a momentary uptick in a stock price.  I was merely one teensy machine part that could be capriciously ripped out and smashed and discarded.  That perhaps naïve seeming epiphany, that tiny isotope of grievance -- I’m killing myself for this kind of treatment? – began to metastasize over time.
 
Two years, seven months and fifteen days after I cried at work, I quit, without a new job.
 
In the scheme of things was what I experienced that afternoon really such a big deal?  No.  Was Redstone’s anger at me legitimate? No.  Was crying my only option?  For me it was.  Should I have felt even worse because I did cry?  No. Did Redstone make it personal?  Yes.  Did I take it personally?  Yes. 
 
But let’s widen the scope of those questions beyond my case.  Is it a real problem that while emotion underlies nearly all important work decisions, most of us most of the time pretend it’s not so? Yes. Is it a problem that we remain clueless about why and how emotion drives work, and about how we should handle it? Absolutely.  Might someone else handle a similar situation differently? You bet.
 
Take the case of Cyndi Stivers, the managing editor of Entertainment Weekly’s EW.com.  On paper she and I are similar. We both started working in the late seventies, part of the second major modern wave of women to enter the labor force, and we have both worked in a variety of different areas of the media.   But we are very different in our operating styles.   
 
While I like to believe that at core I’m a relatively even-keeled person, the truth is that it is always a huge effort for me to project outward calm.  As you might guess, my emotions, both good and bad, always run close to the surface.  I regularly tear up reading stories of personal sacrifice in the paper and even when watching treacly television commercials celebrating our shared humanity.   I become overtly enthusiastic when good ideas emerge during brainstorming sessions or when someone does their work exceptionally well.  To me, these are good qualities – ones that make me empathetic and fuel my creativity.  But the flip side of this sensitivity is that I also tend to obsess about slights or problems that would be insignificant to others, a stewing-over-everything quality that makes me vulnerable to feeling overly agitated by the inevitable ups and downs of everyday life. And yet while this thin skin sometimes can interfere with my effectiveness, my preoccupation with how others view me can also inspire me to consistently try to do my best.  So who is to say what level of emotional sensitivity is optimal? I believe that I was born sensitive and that’s neither a good thing nor a bad thing in and of itself. It’s simply part of who I am.
 
What was an almost insurmountable challenge for me as an executive, I now know, was my sense that my sensitivity was something negative in the context of work, something weak and inferior in me that should be subverted or conquered.  Consequently, the whole “man-up” bravado that I felt was required of me on the job became a chronic and ever-increasing source of stress during the 20 years I rose through the ranks.  The “work” of acting like a manager often felt more challenging to me than the work itself.  Whenever I walked into the extremely extroverted, game-on! MTV Networks culture, a hard partying, cowboys-making-up-the-rules-as-we-went-along, the more-outrageous-the-idea-or-behavior-the-better office environment, I felt like I had to put on my game face.   I developed an artificial persona of the tough-talking, hard-drinking executive.  Which meant, in other words, that I forced myself to act more like a guy. 
 
Cyndi, on the other hand, seems to thrive in a variety of different kinds of work situations, always projecting a seemingly effortless level of calm and, unlike me, she doesn’t seem prone to chewing over possible slights.  While I’m certain she deals with extremely high levels of anxiety, from my perspective she could be the poster girl for the unflappable executive. Unlike my perpetual state of personal/professional personality dissonance, Cyndi also seems to have no difficulty reconciling her professional and private selves.  At work or at a party, she radiates an optimistic attitude which is in sync with her cheerful exterior.  Her appearance, particularly when she was younger – a turned-up nose, apple cheeks and dimples – often would make people in work situations dismiss her as un-serious. But it’s more than just appearance -- Cyndi projects the aura of a person with a high internal set point for happiness.  In the same way I believe I was born sensitive, Cyndi says, “I am hard-wired to be cheerful.”  And she turned her naturally upbeat disposition to her advantage, discovering that “there is strength and resilience that some may not expect. And I guess because I’m a WASP, I’m not a big crier.”
 
To demonstrate her even-keeled nature, Cyndi recalled a time when she felt challenged.  Fairly early on in her career as she was discussing the ins and outs of a new job for a competing magazine over lunch at the UN Plaza with her former boss and mentor, Clay Felker [founder of New York magazine and former editor of Esquire and The Village Voice], Cyndi benefited from valuable professional advice from an unusual source.

Continues...

Excerpted from It's Always Personal by Anne Kreamer Copyright © 2011 by Anne Kreamer. Excerpted by permission of Random House, a division of Random House, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Interviews & Essays

It's Always Personal
A letter from Anne Kreamer:

I was told when I started work that if I wanted to be professional, I should never let my feelings show at work—that emotion had nothing to do with success. But somehow once I'd been working for a few years I realized that that advice seemed mainly to apply to women. The wellknown chairman of my Fortune 500 entertainment company thought it was completely acceptable to call me up and scream at me because a good deal I'd made had not moved up the price of the company's stock. He got explosively angry at me, but I certainly didn't feel like I could reply in kind. So I cried. And felt even worse, but I sucked it up and went on, burying that experience until a few years ago when a former colleague and I were talking about how every woman we knew had had a similar experience. Because of my personal experience I realized I really needed to understand why crying on the job was such a taboo.
That simple question led me on a fascinating journey. Over the course of the last two years I roamed the country talking to dozens of neuroscientists and other experts and more than 200 working Americans, from top corporate CEO's to waitresses on the Navajo nation to entrepreneurs in their basements, about their feelings—positive, negative, and in between—while on the job. The neuroscience of emotion is an exiting new field and the conversations I had with people confirmed firsthand what the cuttingedge researchers are discovering. People basically fall into two groups, those who cry easily and those who don't, and women are several times more likely than men to be criers, which makes crying at work even more stressful for women. Nobody likes working with angry people. And all of us are looking for ways to reduce onthejob anxiety.
Through my own original research with J. Walter Thompson, the largest advertising firm in America, I discovered that a lot more men cry on the job than you'd think, but what really surprised me was there is no "tissue ceiling"—successful people from every level of the professional hierarchy reported that they cried at work. And people who cry at work are not necessarily unhappy in their jobs. I poured through the scientific research and uncovered some remarkable things—like the fact that saleswomen make more sales during the ovulation phase of their cycles, and that the cultivation of positive emotions isn't some New Age dream but a scientifically proven tool to better problem solving.
Work in America today is fraught—the economy is transformed and precarious, and more is being done by each of us with fewer resources than ever. Simultaneously, with women making up more than half the work force for the first time in history, and with science illuminating more precisely than ever how biology drives behavior, we are at a unique moment for reflection and useful rethinking. With the practical insights I gained in understanding the main emotions we encounter at work—anger, fear, anxiety, joy and empathy—and with the specific tools tailored to each emotional state that I offer to help each of us develop better emotional resiliency, I hope my book inspires you to believe that the more of your authentic emotional self you bring to work the happier and more effective you will be.
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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 17, 2014

    Its Always Personal

    This book is a good resource for leaders in a workforce or those looking to understand the emotions they feel and to work with them or learn to change behaviors that are not desireable in the work force. It is well researched and there are several examples throughout the book oh the areas they focus on. Scientific and research case studies are put together to understand the emotions we all feel in the work place. It was very helpful for me and I will be using some of the practics expressed to become a better employee and one day a great boss. Unfortunately the last chapter was very choppy, but in all a great resource.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 21, 2013

    This book is really great at making you think about how you reac

    This book is really great at making you think about how you react and why you react that way...
     it also helps you understand why others are reacting certain ways too. By the end of the book, your day-to-day people interactions, 
    both at work and socially, will be enhanced in some fashion or another! Its a fresh take on the study of emotions.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
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    Posted May 30, 2011

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 13, 2011

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    Posted June 28, 2011

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