It's Never about What It's About: What We Learned about Living While Waiting to Die


Why doesn't the person I'm dating make me happy? Why can't I get my body to look the way I want it? Why does my job seem so unimportant? Why do I dwell on what I don't have, rather than my accomplishments? Why is it that nothing ends up being the way I think it should be? These were the kinds of questions the authors were asking until both were diagnosed with HIV infection and they began a speeded up search for answers that made sense. With time running out, they turned inward for answers, and by asking the right...
See more details below
Available through our Marketplace sellers.
Other sellers (Paperback)
  • All (16) from $1.99   
  • New (4) from $13.18   
  • Used (12) from $1.99   
Sort by
Page 1 of 1
Showing All
Note: Marketplace items are not eligible for any coupons and promotions
Seller since 2007

Feedback rating:



New — never opened or used in original packaging.

Like New — packaging may have been opened. A "Like New" item is suitable to give as a gift.

Very Good — may have minor signs of wear on packaging but item works perfectly and has no damage.

Good — item is in good condition but packaging may have signs of shelf wear/aging or torn packaging. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Acceptable — item is in working order but may show signs of wear such as scratches or torn packaging. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Used — An item that has been opened and may show signs of wear. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Refurbished — A used item that has been renewed or updated and verified to be in proper working condition. Not necessarily completed by the original manufacturer.

2000-08-01 Paperback New New-Mint cover, clean text, tight binding.

Ships from: Rockford, IL

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
Seller since 2008

Feedback rating:


Condition: New
1555835716 Brand NEW Book - Possibly slight shelf-wear ~ all books carefully examined & well packaged

Ships from: Waltham, MA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
Seller since 2005

Feedback rating:


Condition: New
PAPERBACK New 1555835716 Brand NEW Book-Possibly slight shelf-wear ~ all books carefully examined & well packaged.

Ships from: Waltham, MA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
Seller since 2014

Feedback rating:


Condition: New
Brand new.

Ships from: acton, MA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
Page 1 of 1
Showing All
Sort by
Sending request ...


Why doesn't the person I'm dating make me happy? Why can't I get my body to look the way I want it? Why does my job seem so unimportant? Why do I dwell on what I don't have, rather than my accomplishments? Why is it that nothing ends up being the way I think it should be? These were the kinds of questions the authors were asking until both were diagnosed with HIV infection and they began a speeded up search for answers that made sense. With time running out, they turned inward for answers, and by asking the right questions, they discovered what they were looking for. At a time when they might have been more traumatized, more depressed, and less satisfied with their lives, they discovered a paradox: They were living better than ever with less stress, less emotional trauma, more tranquility, more friends, an abundance of material things, and-- most important--a growing understanding of who they were. Determined not to forget what they learned, they began to write things down, and this book is the result. Sometimes funny, sometimes poignant, the authors discuss the simple insights and practical skills they developed for connecting the frustrating "outer world" we confront daily with the transformative "inner world" of heart, mind, and soul where we live our lives.
Read More Show Less

Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly
After learning they were infected with HIV, lovers and AIDS activists Krandall Kraus (The President's Son, etc.) and Paul Borja decided to live out their remaining time with a renewed sense of purpose and focus. In their inspirational book, It's Never About What It's About: What We Learned About Living While Waiting to Die, they share their new life philosophy and their insights into our deepest emotions (for example, frustration and anger often mask deep-seated fear). For the reader intrigued by the relationship between the metaphysical and everyday experience, Kraus and Borja provide a provocative journey. (Alyson, $12.95 paper 208p ISBN 1-55583-571-6; Aug.) Chris Benguhe, who became a writer to help make the world a better place, celebrates "the most important things in life... people and the support and love we give each other" in Triumphs of the Heart: Miraculous True Stories of the Power of Love, with an introduction by George W. Bush. Though presented with forced drama, many of these 25 tales of real people's heroism, compassion and generosity are hopeful and inspiring. Agents, Becker & Mayer. (Berkley/Perigee, $12 paper 208p ISBN 0-399-52613-7; Aug.) Copyright 2000 Cahners Business Information.|
Lucas Mire
It's Never About What It's About is chock-full of enlightening information for anyone afflicted with the terminal situation called life. In other words, even if you're not diagnosed with an illness that would draw you to such a book, there's plenty to be gained by perusing its pages.
Lambda Book Report
Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781555835712
  • Publisher: Alyson Publications
  • Publication date: 1/28/2000
  • Edition description: 1 ED
  • Pages: 178
  • Product dimensions: 5.14 (w) x 8.19 (h) x 0.51 (d)

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One
Remembering What's Important

Have you ever been driving down the street on your way to some pleasant dinner date or on your way to work when suddenly someone in another car cuts you off or stops without warning and you quite suddenly explode with rage? You honk and scream and wave your hands around until the offending motorist is out of sight, then find yourself wishing him the most horrible of fates.
Or you're working busily in the kitchen or your office and as you go to move something you drop it--a stack of papers, a handful of chopped celery--and then you simply lose control. You pick up the nearest object--a stapler, a saucer--and you hurl it to the floor or against the wall. You feel as if you're going to burst, you're so angry.
You're relaxing after a tiring day. Your feet are propped up on the coffee table. A big bowl of buttered popcorn rests in your lap. Your favorite old black-and-white movie is on, and you're deep into it. A commercial comes on for a long distance phone company, and it shows a young woman getting on a plane, leaving her parents for the first time. A few seconds later, it shows the old couple at home on their front porch with their faithful dog. Everyone is sad; they all miss the young woman so much. Then the phone rings and, of course, it's her, calling "just to say I love you." You burst into tears.
When that happens--and it happens to everyone sooner or later--do you ever ask yourself, "Where did all that emotion come from?" Probably you do, but just as probably you shrug your shoulders and move on, not in a very good mood, but you move on. And, of course, sooner or later, it happens again.
If you knew where all your anger came from, you might be able to get a handle on it and control it. If you understood the source of your sorrow, perhaps you could put it to rest rather than have it come to the surface at the most unlikely times. We can all learn and accomplish a great deal regarding our "inner selves" in relation to our "outer behavior." But first we must see and understand that it's never about what it's about.
Life would be so much more manageable if we had a few basic tools for understanding where certain feelings come from, especially the ones that make no sense to us. They can be feelings of rage or despair, the desire to kill, or a wish to run away. They are powerful feelings, and they can be insidious and dangerous; they pounce upon us and wreak havoc with our minds, not to mention our hearts.
They're not always our own feelings, either. Very often, they are the feelings of others projected, or thrown, onto us in an attempt to get us to carry them. How many times have you been the victim of someone else? A coworker who always seems to attempt to undermine your efforts, make you look bad, sabotage your projects? A "friend" or relative who "plays with your head," making you feel inadequate as a friend, a wife, or a husband? A parent who tries to cast you in the light of an ungrateful child? Whether these feelings you carry are your feelings or someone else's, you end up becoming the victim. But once you have a way to understand what this behavior and these feelings really are and where they come from--that is, what they are really about--you can begin to liberate yourself from their menacing effects.

A Guiding Principle
In our house, we have a principle that guides us through almost every facet of our lives. In fact, it's so pervasive that we've had matching tee shirts made with this principle, "It's Never About What It's About," written on them. We mean this quite literally. For us, it is the foundation of our individual lives, and it is the guiding principle of our relationship. From this basic, guiding principle, several other principles flow. They are fascinating, liberating, and enlightening.
These guiding principles are simple to understand, difficult to experience, and are observable throughout our entire society. Knowing what they are can change a person's life. Understanding them and how they work is liberating. Keeping them in consciousness is enlightening, but definitely a 24-hour-a-day job; yet it's a job well worth the effort.

Remembering What's Important
A funny thing happens when you're dying. Not ha ha funny, but ironic funny, peculiar funny. When you know you're going to die soon, you finally begin to live. When time becomes short, you cut out the extraneous activities, you stop spending time with people who aren't "friends of virtue," and you grow increasingly intolerant of people whining about petty annoyances. Suddenly, you experience life as a wondrous place, an awesome time, a rare opportunity to know yourself and the universe around you.
In my experience, people diagnosed with a terminal illness fall into two categories. The first group wakes up and begins doing the excruciatingly difficult work of finding out who they are and how to make the rest of their lives meaningful. The second group runs like hell. They stick their heads farther into the sand; they take their disability checks on the first of the month and head for the corner bar; they get mean and nasty and selfish and hurtful. More times than not, this second group of people are just carrying to the extreme the personality traits they exhibited either openly or just beneath the surface for most of their lives.
The people I was close to who died of AIDS didn't "find themselves" until after their diagnoses. Most of them were tripping through life acting like the rest of us: as though we will never die. Then, when the message got delivered--"Not only are you going to die, but you're going to die soon. Very soon."--most of these people began cleaning up what was left of their lives. They got sober, stopped abusing drugs, engaged family and friends in a healing process, and worked hard at making bad relationships good again. They became more selfless, more emotionally available, and more spiritually developed. Not everyone does this, mind you. I've been lucky to know some very courageous people.
My late partner Andre was somewhat of an exception to begin with. He was spiritually developed at the age of 24 when I met him. I don't know how he accomplished that, but who and what he was got me to start thinking that reincarnation may be a fact. There was no other way to explain him. He came from an abusive home and dropped out of high school before his senior year. I believe he must have brought his wisdom with him from previous lives.
My current partner and I are examples of people who were green, but looking to be fully ripe. We both had spent many years of our lives searching for some meaning. Paul had been in the seminary and was much more actively involved in a spiritual and intellectual life than I was when we met. I was more of a disillusioned, former party boy. But I was searching. I had been introduced to meditation by Andre and had been practicing it on and off for 12 years. When Paul and I met, we complemented each other's spiritual and intellectual quests. We were also trying to understand ourselves emotionally. Both of us had lost partners; both of us were infected with the AIDS virus. We were filled with sorrow and rage, and we hadn't a clue what to do with the feelings.
Although we were both HIV positive, we were healthy. But about two years after moving in together, we each began to exhibit symptoms. When that happened, we figured time was drawing to a close for us. Paul left his job, taking disability; then I went on disability a few months after that. By winter of 1996, we felt as if maybe we had a year or two left. We increased our time with each other, spending our days working in the garden or going to the movies. In the evening, after dinner, we would read to each other. I took up crocheting and began making afghans for the friends I was about to leave behind so they would have something personal from me, something soft, warm, and loving to remind them of me and how I loved them.
We started doing volunteer work and formed an AIDS support group. We prayed every day at least twice: once in the morning separately, and then in the afternoon we would sit together for prayer and meditation. We found ourselves spending more time with our women friends and more time supporting others in the struggles they had in relationships and with jobs. We were quiet and peaceful and content. We often commented to each other how ironic it was that now that we were dying, we'd never felt more alive. And, while we were much more reclusive, we were more attuned to the world and more in love with each other than ever before.

Remembering Who We Are
Then the Universe threw a monkey wrench into things. Along came protease inhibitors, a new drug with profound effects on people with HIV, causing, in some, a complete disappearance of the virus. Because our health was failing so quickly, our physician managed to get us into a clinical trial. The first three weeks were difficult adjustment periods for both of us, and for a while we thought we might have to stop the medications;

then, just when it looked as if we couldn't take it any longer, our side effects disappeared and the drug began to work. Each of us improved dramatically. I became more involved with my AIDS work at the state level; Paul went back to the gym and brought his body to a level of health and stamina unlike any he'd ever had, even before he was diagnosed. I finished a new novel, began work on two new books, and started running again. Both of us began spending more time with friends and acquaintances, traveling, going out to lunch and dinner, attending parties, and socializing in general. And the more we became engaged in life in the "outside world," the world of the "not-dying-soon," the more we found we didn't have time for some of the other things.
Sometimes a day or two or four or five would go by without us sitting for afternoon prayer. There were days when our schedules were so busy we hardly saw each other. When I traveled for the state, we spent long hours on the phone and became aware that we communicated, if not better, certainly more directly, when I was out of town. What was happening to us? I remembered a story that shed light on what Paul and I were going through.
There is a common urban myth that haunts me and reminds me of Paul's and my experience. It seems there was a woman with a three-year-old son. She and her husband had just had another baby, and the three-year-old was totally enamored of the new infant. Within days of bringing the baby home from the hospital, the three-year-old began imploring his mother to let him hold the baby. Then a few days after that, he began asking if he could be alone with the baby in the baby's room. The mother thought it was cute, but, of course, she declined the request. The baby was too fragile to be left in the care of a three-year-old child.
For the next few weeks the woman's son continued asking his mother if he could just be alone for a few minutes with his new baby sister. The asking grew into begging and begging became a frantic pleading. The woman was growing concerned. What was it that her son wanted? She and her husband had tried very hard to make sure they didn't slight their son after the new baby was born. Was he jealous? Did he intend to harm the baby? What was this all about?
At last the mother consulted a child psychologist. The psychologist suggested that the woman allow her son time with the child, but that to make certain everything was all right, she also suggested installing a listening device to monitor the baby's room. That way, if anything untoward happened, she could intervene. The mother took the woman's advice and, after installing the device, she told her son he could spend time alone with the baby. She took her son into the baby's room and left, closing the door behind her. As she closed the door, she saw her son standing at the crib, but looking at her, as if to make sure she was closing the door and leaving them in private.
The mother rushed into her own bedroom and clicked on the listening device, and this is what she heard. "Quick, tell me about God. I'm starting to forget." Paul and I decided to write this book because we don't want to forget what we learned about living while we were waiting to die. We don't want to slip back into denial; we don't want to lose sight of our mortality. In other words, we want to remember who we really are.
We must stay with Death if we are to be Death's friend; or more precisely, if Death is to be our friend. If we are to have fully meaningful lives, if we are to know the wholeness and the goodness of Being, we must never forget all that we learned when we were within sight of Death's door.
Paul and I are trying to slow down now. We are trying to remember, trying to experience that we are living and dying. We are trying to live life with our minds, hearts, souls, and senses fully open.
There is an ancient Hindu formula for a perfect life and the attainment of bliss: Every moment think of God and remember your own death. We think it is sage wisdom. We suggest it for everyone.

Read More Show Less

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments ix
Foreword xi
Preface xvi
Chapter 1 Remembering What's Important 1
Chapter 2 It's Never About What It's About 9
Chapter 3 The People Inside: Meeting Our Inner Selves 25
Chapter 4 Acting Crazy, Staying Sane: What We Can Do to Change Things 45
Chapter 5 Life Is But a Dream (Shaboom, Shaboom) 57
Chapter 6 Diana: A Modern Myth 67
Chapter 7 Pleasure, Happiness, and Joy 83
Chapter 8 The Process Is the Product 91
Chapter 9 The "G" Word 103
Chapter 10 Attachment, Detachment, and Non-Attachment 126
Chapter 11 Confusing the Experience With Its Object: Distinguishing the Inner and Outer Worlds 133
Chapter 12 The World Is a Tar Baby 145
Chapter 13 The Truth Is Seldom Kind 151
Chapter 14 Rage, Rage Everywhere, But Not a Voice to Scream 159
Chapter 15 Everything You Need Is Within You 169
Afterword 175
Read More Show Less

Customer Reviews

Be the first to write a review
( 0 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star


4 Star


3 Star


2 Star


1 Star


Your Rating:

Your Name: Create a Pen Name or

Barnes & Review Rules

Our reader reviews allow you to share your comments on titles you liked, or didn't, with others. By submitting an online review, you are representing to Barnes & that all information contained in your review is original and accurate in all respects, and that the submission of such content by you and the posting of such content by Barnes & does not and will not violate the rights of any third party. Please follow the rules below to help ensure that your review can be posted.

Reviews by Our Customers Under the Age of 13

We highly value and respect everyone's opinion concerning the titles we offer. However, we cannot allow persons under the age of 13 to have accounts at or to post customer reviews. Please see our Terms of Use for more details.

What to exclude from your review:

Please do not write about reviews, commentary, or information posted on the product page. If you see any errors in the information on the product page, please send us an email.

Reviews should not contain any of the following:

  • - HTML tags, profanity, obscenities, vulgarities, or comments that defame anyone
  • - Time-sensitive information such as tour dates, signings, lectures, etc.
  • - Single-word reviews. Other people will read your review to discover why you liked or didn't like the title. Be descriptive.
  • - Comments focusing on the author or that may ruin the ending for others
  • - Phone numbers, addresses, URLs
  • - Pricing and availability information or alternative ordering information
  • - Advertisements or commercial solicitation


  • - By submitting a review, you grant to Barnes & and its sublicensees the royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable right and license to use the review in accordance with the Barnes & Terms of Use.
  • - Barnes & reserves the right not to post any review -- particularly those that do not follow the terms and conditions of these Rules. Barnes & also reserves the right to remove any review at any time without notice.
  • - See Terms of Use for other conditions and disclaimers.
Search for Products You'd Like to Recommend

Recommend other products that relate to your review. Just search for them below and share!

Create a Pen Name

Your Pen Name is your unique identity on It will appear on the reviews you write and other website activities. Your Pen Name cannot be edited, changed or deleted once submitted.

Your Pen Name can be any combination of alphanumeric characters (plus - and _), and must be at least two characters long.

Continue Anonymously

    If you find inappropriate content, please report it to Barnes & Noble
    Why is this product inappropriate?
    Comments (optional)