It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People

by Ramani Durvasula PhD

Overview

INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER

From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism

AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER

It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissistic person. One day they draw you in with their charm and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-esteem, and leave you wondering, What should I have done differently? As Dr. Ramani explains in It’s Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing.

Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist will not stop manipulating and invalidating you, no matter how much you try to appease them. The first step toward healing from their toxic influence—and to protect yourself from future harm—is to accept that you are not to blame for their behavior.

Drawing on more than two decades of studying the landscape of narcissism and working with survivors, Dr. Ramani explores how narcissists hijack our well-being and offers a healing path forward. Unpacking the oft-misunderstood personality, she reveals the telltale behavioral patterns that indicate you may be dealing with a narcissist. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep you stuck in the cycle, grieve the loss of these painful relationships, create and maintain realistic boundaries, discern unhelpful behaviors from narcissistic behaviors, and recover your sense of self after constant invalidation.

Thriving after, or even during, a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but It’s Not You shows you it is possible. Dr. Ramani invites you to stop blaming yourself and trying to change the narcissistic person, and to start giving yourself permission to let go of their hold on you and finally embrace your true self.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780593492628
Publisher:	Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date:	02/20/2024
Pages:	368
Sales rank:	7,002
Product dimensions:	5.40(w) x 8.40(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist, Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University Los Angeles, and the Founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training & Consulting. She discusses narcissism on her popular YouTube channel, on social media as @DoctorRamani, her popular online program on healing from narcissistic abuse, and as the host of the podcast Navigating Narcissism with Dr. Ramani. This is her fourth book.

Editorial Reviews

A must read. Dr. Ramani will teach you how to heal from any toxic relationship. With her expert advice based on decades of research and clinical experience, she makes the impossible seem possible.”
–Mel Robbins, bestselling author of The High Five Habit and host of The Mel Robbins Podcast

“Dr. Ramani has written the book on narcissism for our times, not simply because it upends everything we thought we knew about this personality, but because it gives real people a sense of hope…that they can heal, that they can move forward from these relationships, that it’s not you.” –Maria Shriver

“In writing It's Not You, Dr. Durvasula directly addresses victims of narcissistic abuse with targeted advice developed through years of clinical experience and research. I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize it's not you who is the problem, you can become the solution.”
–W. Keith Campbell, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Georgia and author of The Narcissism Epidemic
 
“It’s Not You tackles a subject matter so wildly misunderstood and offers a path forward for those who have been, or currently are in narcissistic relationships. With deep compassion, Dr. Ramani masterfully helps the reader shift from self-blame to seeing the picture clearly. What a profound gift it is to those who will see their experience written about in this book and feel a little less alone.”
–Vienna Pharaon, bestselling author of The Origins of You and host of the This Keeps Happening podcast
 
“Whether you are looking to avoid damaging relationships, leave one, or finally move on from one, Dr. Ramani has produced a work that is utterly essential for understanding the patterns we were never built to see coming. By lifting the veil on these people, she not only teaches us about them, but how to stop shaming ourselves for who we had to become to survive them. It’s Not You is not just life-saving, but life-restoring. More than a way out, it’s a way back, to yourself.”
–Matthew Hussey, host of the Love Life with Matthew Hussey podcast

“Emotionally abusive relationships take away our voice and our power, and Dr. Ramani gives us the tools and teaches all of us how to take ourselves back and feel whole again.”
–Debra Newell, author of Surviving Dirty John

“A compassionate roadmap and survival guide for people in narcissistic relationships...that helps...them understand how to heal and thrive during and after these challenging relationships.”
–Jay Shetty, bestselling author of Think Like A Monk and host of the On Purpose Podcast

“What sets Dr. Ramani apart is her valuable emphasis on healing from the damaging effects of a narcissist’s destructive behavior. With a direct and compassionate approach, she reminds us that it is possible to heal. As always, Dr. Ramani gives comfort and validation to the ‘lions’. It’s Not You is a gift.”
–Jenifer Faison, host of the Betrayal podcast
 
“Dr. Ramani is one of the most respected experts on healing and narcissism.  In this important book, I’m grateful she includes the often unseen world of grief and narcissism.  She gives deep insights and sound advice on the experience of grief. It’s Not You is a must read.”
–David Kessler, author of Finding Meaning
 
“It’s Not You is, simply put, brilliant. In straightforward, clear language, Dr. Ramani has created a framework for deeply understanding the complexities of, and healing from, this most insidious form of abuse. She challenges misconceptions and glaring gaps in knowledge of current paradigms in traditional psychology and with compassion and refreshing candor, guides us through hell—and back to our true selves.”
–Mark Vicente, NXIVM whistleblower and director of Empathy Not Included

From the Publisher

2023-11-24
A guide to dealing with psychological abuse.

A psychologist who works with survivors of narcissistic abuse—and who has personally faced narcissists in family, personal, and work relationships—Durvasula draws on a range of experiences to offer guidance, affirmation, and support. “We can pull ourselves out of the stories of the narcissistic people who defined us, silenced us, clipped our wings, taught us our dreams were grandiose, filled us with shame, and for a time, stole our joy,” she writes, whether we stay in relationships with narcissists or extricate ourselves from them. Narcissism is a complex set of personality traits involving “a deep insecurity and fragility offset by maneuvers like domination, manipulation, and gaslighting, which allows the narcissistic person to stay in control.” Narcissists can be charming and seductive, often attracting partners with “love bombing,” but soon their self-serving behavior surfaces. As her detailed case histories reveal, among the traits that mark a narcissistic personality are a craving for constant validation and admiration, delusional grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, and a lack of empathy. They abuse those close to them with behaviors such as gaslighting, dismissiveness, rage, threats, revenge, isolation, and betrayal. Victims of this abuse, she has found from her patients, tend to blame themselves and feel shame, confusion, depression, and anxiety. They censor themselves, trying to become “progressively more careful to avoid the criticism, contempt, or anger of these challenging people in their lives.” Because narcissists are resistant to seeking therapy—and rarely change their behavior—Durvasula offers suggestions for self-protection: watching for telling signs of narcissism, setting boundaries, trusting your own instincts, disengaging from a narcissist’s enablers, and refusing to be told how you feel. For those who decide to continue in a relationship with a narcissist, out of love and attachment, she offers suggestions for coping and healing.

Helpful counsel for emotional survival.

Kirkus Reviews

Dr. Ramani has written the book on narcissism for our times, not simply because it upends everything we thought we knew about this personality, but because it gives real people a sense of hope…that they can heal, that they can move forward from these relationships, that it’s not you.

Maria Shriver

A compassionate roadmap and survival guide for people in narcissistic relationships...that helps...them understand how to heal and thrive during and after these challenging relationships.

bestselling author of Think Like A Monk and host o Jay Shetty

What sets Dr. Ramani apart is her valuable emphasis on healing from the damaging effects of a narcissist’s destructive behavior. With a direct and compassionate approach, she reminds us that it is possible to heal. As always, Dr. Ramani gives comfort and validation to the ‘lions’. It’s Not You is a gift.

host of the Betrayal podcast Jenifer Faison

It’s Not You is, simply put, brilliant. In straightforward, clear language, Dr. Ramani has created a framework for deeply understanding the complexities of, and healing from, this most insidious form of abuse. She challenges misconceptions and glaring gaps in knowledge of current paradigms in traditional psychology and with compassion and refreshing candor, guides us through hell—and back to our true selves.

NXIVM whistleblower and director of Empathy Not In Mark Vicente

In writing It's Not You, Dr. Durvasula directly addresses victims of narcissistic abuse with targeted advice developed through years of clinical experience and research. I would highly recommend this book to anyone struggling in a relationship with a narcissist. Once you realize it's not you who is the problem, you can become the solution.

W. Keith Campbell

Whether you are looking to avoid damaging relationships, leave one, or finally move on from one, Dr. Ramani has produced a work that is utterly essential for understanding the patterns we were never built to see coming. By lifting the veil on these people, she not only teaches us about them, but how to stop shaming ourselves for who we had to become to survive them. It’s Not You is not just life-saving, but life-restoring. More than a way out, it’s a way back, to yourself.

host of the Love Life with Matthew Hussey podcast Matthew Hussey

A must read. Dr. Ramani will teach you how to heal from any toxic relationship. With her expert advice based on decades of research and clinical experience, she makes the impossible seem possible.

bestselling author of The High Five Habit and host Mel Robbins

Dr. Ramani is one of the most respected experts on healing and narcissism.  In this important book, I’m grateful she includes the often unseen world of grief and narcissism.  She gives deep insights and sound advice on the experience of grief. It’s Not You is a must read.

author of Finding Meaning David Kessler

Emotionally abusive relationships take away our voice and our power, and Dr. Ramani gives us the tools and teaches all of us how to take ourselves back and feel whole again.

author of Surviving Dirty John Debra Newell

It’s Not You tackles a subject matter so wildly misunderstood and offers a path forward for those who have been, or currently are in narcissistic relationships. With deep compassion, Dr. Ramani masterfully helps the reader shift from self-blame to seeing the picture clearly. What a profound gift it is to those who will see their experience written about in this book and feel a little less alone.

bestselling author of The Origins of You and host Vienna Pharaon