Table of Contents
Introduction 1
Chapter 1 Lay Off Me, Mary 5
Chapter 2 Now 11
Chapter 3 Stories 17
Chapter 4 Brothers Gotta Hug 29
Chapter 5 Take the Message to Garcia 35
Chapter 6 Where Is My Syllabus? 39
Chapter 7 iPhone Therapy 47
Chapter 8 My Eighties-Sitcom Dad 55
Chapter 9 Family (A Story About Juggalos and Not My Actual Family, Sorry Siblings) 59
Chapter 10 A Boy Is Why I Moved to New York, and a Boy Is Why I Left 63
Chapter 11 How I Met Your Father 71
Chapter 12 Please Let Me Get What I Want 77
Chapter 13 What to Do When the Person You Love Gets Brain Cancer (or Any Cancer) 83
Chapter 14 And Also With You 87
Chapter 15 Sorry You Dated Me 93
Chapter 16 Slut 95
Chapter 17 The Game 99
Chapter 18 My Ex-Boyfriend's Ex-Girlfriend 103
Chapter 19 Who Should You Marry? 109
Chapter 20 The Most Magical Place on Earth 113
Chapter 21 Hot Young Widows Club 117
Chapter 22 A Letter to the Recruiter Who Emailed My Husband a Month After His Death 123
Chapter 23 Life Plans I've Made Since My Husband Died 125
Chapter 24 Quiet, Susan 131
Chapter 25 Madge 139
Chapter 26 It's a Secret, So Hush 145
Chapter 27 Immaculate Conception 155
Chapter 28 Helpful Advice for New Mothers 161
Chapter 29 Everyone Thinks Their Kid Is the Best but Mine Actually Is 165
Chapter 30 Hoarder 173
Chapter 31 You're Doing a Good Job 181
Chapter 32 Relationship Porn (XXX, NSFW) 185
Chapter 33 Cool Widow Kind of Wants to Kiss Someone 189
Chapter 34 Frenching in a Van 197
Chapter 35 How You Do It 203
Chapter 36 Please Like Me 207
Chapter 37 I Don't Want to Make It Look Easy 213
Chapter 38 No 217
Chapter 39 Meanwhile, the World Goes On 221
Chapter 40 Is He Going to Die Soon? 229
Chapter 41 "The Boy Is Mine" 235
Chapter 42 Welcome to Grey Gardens 241
Chapter 43 Petty Crimes 245
Chapter 44 Lean In 251
Chapter 45 Just Quit 257
Chapter 46 It's Going to Be Okay (I Think) 263
Life Update for People Who Haven't Googled Me Recently 273
Acknowledgements 280
