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Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever.

Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever.

4.2 19
by Caissie St. Onge

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For Jane Jones, being a vampire is nothing like you read about in books. In fact, it kind of sucks. She's not beautiful, she's not rich, and she doesn't "sparkle." She's just an average, slightly nerdy girl from an ordinary suburban family (who happens to be vampires.) Jane's from the wrong side of the tracks (not to mention stuck in the world's longest awkward


For Jane Jones, being a vampire is nothing like you read about in books. In fact, it kind of sucks. She's not beautiful, she's not rich, and she doesn't "sparkle." She's just an average, slightly nerdy girl from an ordinary suburban family (who happens to be vampires.) Jane's from the wrong side of the tracks (not to mention stuck in the world's longest awkward phase), so she doesn't fit in with the cool vampire kids at school or with the humans kids. To top it all off, she's battling an overprotective mom, a clique of high school mean girls (the kind who really do have fangs), and the most embarrassing allergy in the history of the undead, she's blood intolerant. So no one's more surprised than Jane when for the first time in her life, things start to heat up (as much as they can for a walking corpse, anyway) with not one, but two boys. Eli's a geeky, but cute real-live boy in her history class, and Timothy is a beautiful, brooding bloodsucker, who might just hold the key to a possible "cure" for vampirism. Facing an eternity of high school pressure, fumbling first dates, or a mere lifetime together with Timothy, what's a 90-something year-old teen vampire to do?

Fans of the Vladmir Tod Chronicles, You are So Undead to Me, and Jessica's Guide to Dating on the Dark Side will feast on this deliciously readable, smart, and fantastically funny debut.

Editorial Reviews

Children's Literature - Laura J. Brown
Jane Jones has been stuck in high school for about 80 years. Life as a vampire is not glamorous for her, but instead is a long tour of duty as a teenager redoing high school over and over again. Vampires don't age, they get the great pleasure of being immortal and are stuck at the age in which they are turned into vampires, which for Jane was as a teenager. Jane does not fit in at school with those of her kind (vampires), or the human kids. The human kids don't know about the vampires they go to school with, as the information is top secret, but nor does she make the grade with her fellow vampires. To top everything off, she is blood-intolerant, meaning she has an embarrassing allergy to blood, with the exception of the rarest kind, that most people and vampires don't even know about and is very hard to get as well. Jane's overprotective mother wants her to get high school right this time and pressures her to fit in. Jane knows her mom has no idea how teens have changed over the years and how she has had to deal with a clique of high school mean girls. Then to Jane's surprise, her life—or immortality—starts to change, because of not one, but two boys, one human and one vampire. Each one offers Jane options she thought she would never have, so now she has to make a choice and she's not sure what to do. Reviewer: Laura J. Brown

Product Details

Random House Children's Books
Publication date:
Product dimensions:
5.70(w) x 8.20(h) x 0.90(d)
Age Range:
12 Years

Read an Excerpt


"Oh my God, you guys. I am sooooo wasted. Did you see me? I was totally chugging, and now I'm, like . . . totally wasted!"

Astrid Hoffman was one of my classmates at my new school, Port Lincoln High. So far, what I'd learned about her was that she was wealthy and confident and lovelier than any girl in the sophomore class. In fact, she was the most poised and best-looking girl in the entire school, from what I could tell, wasted or not. Even heavily intoxicated, even kind of slurring and drooling with her thick, glossy brown curls falling over her glassy green eyes, she was a looker. She made me sick.

Astrid turned her half-lidded gaze to me. "Jane! Jaaaaa-aaaane. It's your turn. Have a little drinky drink, new girl!" Everyone around the bonfire cheered and someone shoved me in Astrid's direction.

I nervously shook my head. Actually, if I'm being honest, I probably spastically shook my head. "Uh, no. No, thanks. I don't really . . ."

"Aw, Jane, what's the matter? Your mommy won't let you?" Astrid teased. Then the playful look slipped from her face, replaced by an expression of menacing threat. "I'm not asking, Jane, I'm telling you. Drink!"

Astrid bared her teeth at me as everyone around us started chanting, "Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!" So this, I recalled bitterly, is what peer pressure feels like. In the past, I'd learned to avoid peer pressure by avoiding as much contact as possible with my so-called peers, but on this night, I found myself understanding how things get out of hand. All of a sudden, it was like Lord of the Flies up in there and I found myself in not so great a position to resist.

I inched toward Astrid, my mind racing. Funny how a moment is enough time for your whole life to pass before your eyes but not long enough to think of a decent plan for escaping a crappy situation. Knowing there was no way to get out of it, I knelt beside her and said, "Okay, I'll drink."

"Good girl," she cooed, winking as she hefted the pale, bare leg of Ian Holcomb into my lap. There were two small holes in the soft, white pit of his knee, ringed with what looked almost like a lipstick kiss at the bottom of a love letter, but in the shade of his own blood.

The rest of Ian was facedown in the dirt, dozing happily, I presume. He was also wasted, but in the more traditional human sense. Probably on his dad's vodka and his mom's sugar-free Red Bull. Whatever he'd been drinking that night, Astrid had made it a point to corner Ian and thank him personally for inviting her to such an awesome rager. Then she made it a further point to lean in really close to his chest and say right into his ear, "I'm having an awesome time." Then, when Ian suggested that they go out for some air, she responded by saying, "That would be awesome." I have to admit, what Astrid lacked in vocabulary skills, she made up for in cunning. Now she was hosting her own little party by the side of the state road behind the Holcombs' property, and the bar was fully stocked with Ian's elevated blood-alcohol level.

As I bent over poor, dumb Ian's popliteal artery, I asked myself two questions: What the hell am I even doing here? and How am I gonna make this look good?

I pushed my glasses up my nose, then shoved my face right up against Ian's leg and clamped my mouth on a spot that looked clean. I closed my eyes and did my best to imitate the rapture I was supposed to be feeling as I sank my fangs into the flesh of the JV football captain. Only, I wasn't sinking my fangs into anything. I was completely faking it and I might have gotten away with it, too, if I hadn't gone in for that one last convincing slurp. That was when Ian, in his stupor, sort of snorted and jerked the way you do when you dream that you're falling. The sudden motion must have spiked his blood pressure for just a second, but one second was all it took for arterial blood spray to hit me full in the face. Horrified, I dropped Ian's leg as my hands flew up, too late to block the gruesome mist. My cheeks were slick. The lenses of my glasses were covered with sticky, warm drops. I tore them off and rubbed furiously at my eyes with the sleeve of my favorite flannel shirt.

"Jane!" Astrid howled. "What an idiot. You should see your face! You look totally hilarious." Oh, I'm sure I did look totally hilarious. We've all seen Carrie, right? Everybody knows that there's nothing more hysterically funny than a teenager suddenly and unexpectedly drenched in blood. Unfortunately, in my case, I didn't have the telekinesis necessary to make a tree fall on Astrid to shut her up. Unfortunately, I was having a difficult time even standing up.

As all the vampire kids circled around to get a better look at me, I realized something very bad had just happened. Whether it had dripped into my mouth as I sat there slack-jawed or whether it had aerosolized and gone up my nose, somehow I had ingested at least a tiny amount of Ian's blood. While I may have looked bad, I was about to look a whole lot worse. See, like it doesn't suck enough to be a teenager who's a vampire who's a complete dork, I also have this other problem. I'm blood-intolerant.

Meet the Author

CAISSIE ST. ONGE is an Emmy-nominated comedy writer who's worked for The Late Show with David Letterman, The Rosie O'Donnell Show, and VH1's Best Week Ever, as well as a bunch of shows you probably haven't heard of (but that's okay). Caissie's written lots of other stuff, too, including commercials for soap, ice cream, and cell phones that starred some bigshot Hollywood celebrities, plus an infomercial for collectible coins that starred a prominent Pennsylvania numismatist. (But enough bragging.) Caissie lives in Connecticut with her husband and two sons, in a town that's a lot like the one described in these pages, but she's not a vampire . . . yet. This is Caissie's first novel.

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Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever. 4.2 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 18 reviews.
Rachael Bajdas More than 1 year ago
I like the book and it was a nice read. I just want to know does Jane hook up with Tim or with Eli or are her and Eli just friends and her and Tim live happily ever after (or something like that) and i think Jane should have let Astrid drink the "cure" i mean Astrid is just a self centered person who only cares about her self and shes mean and a witch with a B. And did Tim catch the Dr. guy or who ever he was and did he get his money back and did he use the money to live with jane? And what did Tim do to the guy did he kill him? These are the questions i want to know the anwers to. But i did like the book.
FeatheredQuillBookReviews More than 1 year ago
In this world of the constant - CONSTANT - publishing of vampire books, finally one has come along that focuses on absolute humor: A vampire who is blood-intolerant. Readers begin at the side of Jane Jones, a vampire who has just moved to yet another new place and is doing just what her mother told her to do.make friends. Unfortunately for Jane, the teenage vampires in this neck of the woods simply want to drink, party it up, and add peer pressure to Jane's world by forcing her to drink from the J.V. Captain's leg - a boy who is passed out cold next to the bonfire from too much of the regular 'happy juice.' Jane tries to hide her special allergy but fails. Not only does she pass out, but her mother is called and has the nerve to talk about Jane's particular allergy in front of everyone. She also mentions the fact that Jane will now be up all night with diarrhea. If Jane wasn't already dead, she'd die from embarrassment right there on the spot. Jane becomes 'Lame' at school automatically. This ninety-year-old teenager is so sick and tired of being a vampire with a defect. Her whole family was 'changed' in the 1900's during their time in the Dust Bowl, and Jane wants nothing more than to find a cure for vampirism. Her brother Zach is on her side - a super scientific genius who will do anything he can to solve his sister's particular flaw. Her parents aren't really a help. Jane's poor father works nights at a cookie/cracker factory, but the smell of the baked goods makes him sick as a dog; and her mother is just always trying to force 'fitting in' and making friends Jane's goal in life. Soon Jane is teamed-up with the geek of the school, Eli, on a school project. Not only that, but the junior "hottie" of the school, Timothy Hunt, becomes Jane's friend because he, too, wants to partake of this odd cure that a doctor has found for vampirism, and start his life over with Jane by his side. Between new friends; a teacher who has a secret that could wipe out Jane's family; dealing with Astrid, the school princess with a huge chip on her shoulder; and, just trying to get through life on two drops of Bombay blood (the only type that doesn't make her sick) a day - Jane has some serious teenage issues. This writer has finally introduced a little bit of fun into the 'fanged-ones' world without adding sappy romance that so many - SO many authors are writing nowadays. Readers will commend Random House for finally publishing a YA in this genre that is entertaining and not Romeo and Juliet 'shtick,' because fans will find a lot to love about Jane. Especially the facts that she puts to rest such as: vampires do not fly; there is no super-speed (they drive cars like everyone else); and, although they do get a little crispy in the sun, SPF 100 usually works quite well. Quill Says: A fun read for teens! If all publishing houses would stop wasting money on the ridiculous - these entertaining novels would be a breath of fresh air.
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aleenmah14 More than 1 year ago
This book was really good(: i love the characters and the plot overall. the ending is not a suprise (to me). if you get bored with this book before the 3rd or 4th chapter, dont put it down! it's funny, witty, and somewhat a page turner(:
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Jeny Mejia More than 1 year ago
It isnt bad its great thumbs up lol brb peace im out
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writingirl_15 More than 1 year ago
Jane Jones is a vampire and not a very good one at that seeing as she can't drink blood or she will have an allergic reaction (not very pretty). She's a self-proclaimed nerd with a pretty boring life (aside from the vampirism that is). Really, she's just an ordinary misfit teenager going to high school time after time after time. Until one day she meets two boys: Eli a geeky, shy, but cute boy who is her partner in her American History class and Timothy, a suave, handsome, popular vampire boy who apparently really likes her. Things get complicated when a mystery in the form of a teacher happens into Jane Jones's life, and an article claiming a cure for vampirism has been found! What's a vampire girl to do but investigate? Jane Jones: Worst. Vampire. Ever. Was a humors tale about a misfit teenage girl (though she's really in her nineties, so old lady might be more accurate) navigating boys, high school, mean girls, family and mysteries. Jane was such a relatable character with a fresh and endearing voice. She was the type of character that reader's can't help but really like and root for. I didn't really care for Timothy as we didn't see him much in the book and he was a pretty one dimensional character, but Eli was adorable! It is refreshing to have the boy the main character falls in love/like with, not be swoon-worthy and ripped. The romance was skimpy and not very well developed but it sort of worked for the book. Any heavy romance would have been weird in the world of Jane Jones. They were no Edward and Bella, that's for sure. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? I'll let you decide (although I have to chip in my two cents. I'm a bit anti semi-abusive, extremely drama laden, I-would- rather-kill-myself-than-be-without-you, obsessive relationships. But that's just me.) Honestly, it is refreshing to read a vampire book and not have it be all dark, and brooding with a love triangle that goes on for several more books. There wasn't any complicated back stories or any long winded explanations for vampirism. It was a very straight forward book. Overall, it wasn't anything special but regardless still good. Caissie St. Onge wrote a great book for reading when you want to put your brain on hold. A definite summer read.
lawlesseyes More than 1 year ago
Jane Jones is a 79 yr old vampire stuck as a gawky teenager forever and she just happens to be blood intolerant. Could life get any suckier? For Jane.. Yes. Ms St. Onge has a wicked sense of humor and it pops out throughout the story. In amongst the humor and vampirism, are real life situations being tackled by all the characters in the novel. This book touches so many aspects of being a teenager, from peer pressure to ways parents embarrass their kids, and trying to fit in. A refreshing book without teen sex, drugs, but a little Bombay blood. :) You would think after being a teenager for 79 years, Jane would have this down pact. Just goes to show, no matter how old you are, you have a lot to learn. This 45 yr old reader recommends this book for all ages. You won't be disappointed with it.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago