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Hello, and congratulations on your upcoming marriage! What a glorious, life-affirming choice that is, one that must fill you with hope and excitement. Now that the big decision has been made, your attention has naturally turned to planning your wedding, which includes the ceremony.
As an interfaith minister, I have been privileged to officiate at hundreds of wedding ceremonies, for couples coming from an amazing variety of backgrounds. Interacting with people of so many cultures, colors, and creeds has enriched me -- for this is work that makes the spirit soar and the heart sing! These couples have inspired me. What I often refer to as a sacred walking with these couples during the preparation and celebration of their weddings forms the soul of this book.
It is my hope that Joining Hands and Hearts will help you create the wedding ceremony of your dreams and perhaps beyond what you have imagined -- one that will resonate within you throughout your married lives. This book offers an inclusive, embracing approach, one rooted in and permeated by the same essence that brought you together -- love. And if yours is an interfaith, intercultural, or interracial union, then your love doesn't know the boundaries of color, creed, or nationality. I cannot think of anything more beautiful.
Our world is becoming smaller by the minute. Advances in technology and communications, changes in the way we work, the ability to travel anywhere -- all have created what is truly a global village. People from all countries interact with one another to an ever-increasing extent. Inevitably, individuals of different faiths, backgrounds, and cultures meet, get to know one another, fall in love, decide to marry. There is no doubt: intermarriage is on the rise. Here are some statistics:
In the United States alone, 5 million people are married each year.
Over 40 percent of marriage-age Catholics marry outside the Church, a doubling since the 1960s. Marriages between Catholics and Protestants, once frowned upon, are now accepted by the vast majority of those faiths.
Three in ten Mormons are now in interfaith marriages, although they are encouraged by their church to marry within their faith.
One in three Episcopalians and one in four Lutherans have married outside their churches.
The Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America reports that two-thirds of its sanctioned marriages are interfaith.
The number of Jewish-Christian couples doubled to one million during the 1990s.
Four in ten Muslims, whose religion allows men but not women to intermarry, have chosen non-Muslim spouses.
The intermarriage rate approaches 60 percent for Buddhists, the fastest-growing Eastern religion in the United States.
How do all these "mixed matches" get married? Increasingly, couples who wish their wedding day to be one of harmony, spirituality, and celebration are discovering the interfaith ceremony. It is a bridge. The great strength of the interfaith ceremony is that it is inclusive. If done correctly, it is an enlightening and enriching experience. Each ceremony contains its particular brand of magic, and all involved come away feeling honored and celebrated. No one feels alienated or offended. One family is not more important than the other. The interfaith ceremony is like a sacred dance that goes back and forth, celebrating each tradition in joy, making room so that everyone feels richer and expanded.
I often tell couples that my job is to serve them and their families with the utmost caring and devotion. Joining Hands and Hearts is here to serve you, to suggest possibilities and solutions. There is no agenda, religious or otherwise. We all participate in the sacred. The solutions, in the broadest sense, are not about conciliation and giving in but about learning, understanding, respecting, and always making the circle wider. That is what creates a memorable interfaith wedding ceremony. And that is what makes for a successful interfaith or intercultural marriage, one in which the love will continue to grow stronger, deeper, and greater.
Joining Hands and Hearts will serve as your guide to designing a wedding tailored to both of your needs and wishes; it will lead you through the steps of planning a ceremony that is uniquely yours. A ceremony involves not only your beliefs but those of both your families. It has to do not only with religion but also with cultural and personal elements of significance to you.
Part I includes an introduction to interfaith; a questionnaire to help you identify, express, and focus your feelings, thoughts, and needs; practical considerations to bear in mind as you begin thinking about your wedding ceremony; a discussion of family matters to help you deal with issues as the planning process goes on; and the outline of a core interfaith ceremony, which you may use as a blueprint for your own wedding.
In Part II, you will find the manual, which begins with a description of general traditions and includes a selection of universal words. These pages provide a sourcebook of passages that correspond to the several stages of the ceremony -- readings, prayers, vows, blessings. They are words that speak to all hearts. And they can be incorporated into almost any wedding ceremony. Next you will find an overview of the religions of the world and their marriage ceremonies, adapted for an interfaith service. We have taken traditional elements from various ceremonies and presented them in a universal context, so that each is appropriate for an interfaith assembly. You will find the symbolism and meaning of each ritual and element explained.
When I meet with an engaged couple to talk about their wedding, sometimes one or both are not very knowledgeable about their own religious or cultural traditions, and often they know very little about their partners'. I would suggest to you, as I do to the couples I work with, read about each other's religions and cultures. Be willing to learn from each other. The wedding is one day -- a wonderful, transforming, unforgettable day, but just a day within a lifetime of days. Every interfaith couple should enter marriage with eyes and hearts wide open, and know as much as they can about each other's religion, culture, and family heritage. Inevitably, there will be adjustments to come. But to marry in ignorance, or with the notion that any compromises can be worked out later, is troublesome.
This manual will help get you started. For each religion, I offer a brief explanation of the basic tenets and the spiritual essence that have provided comfort and sustenance to so many people over centuries. It is my hope to give you a glimmer of the light that illuminates each tradition. Unfamiliar doctrine may sound strange or uncomfortable, and may separate and divide. But the teachings of the founders of the world's great religions -- the words of Moses, Jesus, Muhammad, Lao Tzu, Buddha -- are essentially universal. All religions and spiritual paths originate from and lead to the same place -- love.
As an interfaith minister (who grew up in a traditional Catholic family), I find that the more I learn, including from all the couples I have worked with over the years, the bigger I become inside. Through my exposure to the various traditions, they have become somehow part of me. I have discovered that in some way I am Christian, I am Jewish, I am Muslim, I am Hindu, I am Buddhist, I am Taoist, I am Sufi, I am Native American, I am African-American. I am one with the beauty and wisdom of all faiths and cultures. God is called by many names. Perhaps as you and your partner learn from each other, you too will find yourself growing in appreciation of each other's theologies, cosmologies, and belief systems. And from this exposure you too will become bigger, richer inside. You or your partner may have spiritual inclinations toward traditions other than the ones you were raised with, and this book will serve you in that regard as well.
The next section of the manual lists wedding rituals and customs from around the world. Many couples wish to celebrate their cultural roots. In these pages, you will read about customs you might find appealing and appropriate for your wedding (the African-American jumping of the broom, for example, or the Spanish and Mexican exchange of coins), what they mean and how they can be incorporated and explained in a ceremony.
Finally, many of the couples whose ceremonies I have conducted have graciously allowed me to tell their stories. These are tender, delightful, and romantic stories -- about how the couples met and fell in love, the obstacles they overcame, their spiritual paths, the choices they made, and the weddings that, together, we designed. Standing in the presence of their love, one cannot help but be sprinkled with their stardust. From their love stories (which are interspersed throughout the book) and sample ceremonies (which are presented in Part III), you may gather any number of suggestions or creative solutions for your own wedding. I hope their stories will not only describe how, when, and where particular elements can be incorporated but also spark ideas on how to unite your family and guests in a oneness of spirit and, especially, how to achieve the balance that is the hallmark of an interfaith service. Perhaps you may even see a bit of yourselves in these brides and grooms.
As you read the ceremonies that we describe in Joining Hands and Hearts, it may be apparent to you that one has a more Jewish slant, another a more Christian slant, or whatever the interfaith combination may be. These are decisions the bride and groom have made. It was the couples themselves who chose the rituals, prayers, and blessings for their weddings. There may be any number of reasons for their choices: Perhaps the bride feels more deeply committed to her religious heritage than the groom does to his and he is happy to accommodate her wishes; perhaps his family and guests come from a more traditional environment, and the couple hopes to help them feel most comfortable. Sometimes who is paying for the wedding is a deciding factor. The final decisions are theirs -- just as your decisions must be yours.
For me it is an honor and privilege to perform marriage ceremonies. The Christian marrying a Hindu, the Protestant marrying a Mormon, the Baptist marrying a Jew, a Jewish groom marrying a Japanese Shinto bride, the bride who loves her Greekness and admires her fiancé's Catholicism, an African-American and a Moroccan Frenchman who relish each other's cultures -- to me, these individuals, even when they struggle with their plans and questions, are a cause for rejoicing. They are blessings. "Marriage," wrote Joseph Barth, "is our last, best chance to grow up." And an interfaith or intercultural marriage to me represents one of our universal best hopes of moving toward a promised land, where people of all religions, creeds, and colors live side by side, hand in hand, honoring and celebrating both their uniqueness and their commonality. No us versus them. Or me versus you. When I stand before an interfaith couple and look out at their families and guests, I sometimes feel, This is where it starts. This is our hope for peace.
Copyright © 2003 by Susanna Macomb
|Introduction: So You're Getting Married!||1|
|Part I||Planning Your Wedding|
|Chapter 1||What Is Interfaith? A Philosophy of the Heart||9|
|Interlude: Anna and Josh, a former Evangelical Christian-agnostic Protestant Jewish couple||21|
|Chapter 2||Tell Me All About It: A Questionnaire for Couples||25|
|Envisioning your ceremony||28|
|Your backgrounds and families||29|
|Matters of the heart: about your relationship||31|
|The questionnaire. Enjoy!||36|
|Interlude: Annette and Robert, a Greek Orthodox-Lutheran couple||39|
|Chapter 3||Practicalities: The Nuts and Bolts of Any Wedding||42|
|The setting: where will your wedding take place?||42|
|The celebrant: who will marry you?||44|
|Working with your celebrant||47|
|The sacred space||52|
|Interlude: Christine and Dave, a Catholic-Mormon couple||53|
|Chapter 4||Family Matters: Working with Family and Friends Throughout the Wedding Process||56|
|Communication is key; listen from the heart||58|
|Letting go may be hard||59|
|Ask for your parents' support and blessing||59|
|Let your parents find their own peace with your marriage||61|
|Let there be no uncomfortable surprises||62|
|Reassure your parents that your heritage need not disappear||63|
|Assure your parents that you've chosen your partner out of love, not rebellion||65|
|Do not assume you know how your parents will react||66|
|Having a sense of humor helps||67|
|Encourage your parents to reach out to your spouse and his or her family||68|
|If your parents are too shy to reach out, do it yourself||68|
|Lean on your friends for support||69|
|Consider honoring your close family members||70|
|Think of ways to involve the children||71|
|Consider acknowledging the death of a loved one||72|
|If a family member or close friend is ill, consider acknowledging them||74|
|Interlude: Sven and Elizabeth, an Episcopalian-Catholic couple||76|
|Chapter 5||The Interfaith Ceremony: Its Components and Structure||79|
|A word about rituals||80|
|Building your ceremony||80|
|Honoring of family members (optional)||87|
|Declaration of intent||92|
|Silent prayer (optional)||93|
|Blessing and exchange of rings||95|
|Interlude: Ginger and Stevie, a Jewish-Catholic couple||99|
|Part II||The Manual: Turning Religious, Cultural, and Universal Rituals, Prayers, Vows, and Blessings into Interfaith Celebrations|
|Chapter 6||A Menu of General Wedding Rituals and Traditions||105|
|Veiling and unveiling of the bride||105|
|Exchanging of rings||106|
|Sharing of a cup of wine||106|
|Breaking of bread||107|
|Handfasting, or binding of the hands||108|
|Candle lighting ceremony||110|
|Releasing of butterflies||111|
|Releasing of doves||112|
|Chapter 7||Universal Passages for Almost Any Wedding: Romantic Selections from Literature, Philosophy, and History||114|
|Honoring of family members||126|
|Prayers and blessings||127|
|Blessing of rings||133|
|Chapter 8||Religions and Their Marriage Practices: A Menu of Elements||137|
|Native American Spirituality||188|
|Chapter 9||Wedding Customs from Around the World||212|
|Arabic or Middle Eastern||221|
|Latin American, Central American, and Spanish||235|
|Part III||In Their Own Words: Eight Interfaith, Intercultural Couples, Their Love Stories and Wedding Ceremonies|
|Leah and Zack, a Jewish-Iranian couple||245|
|Natasha and Phillip, a Hindu-Jewish couple||252|
|Mercedes and Jack, a converted Buddhist-Jewish couple||262|
|Vicki and Karl, a Greek Orthodox-Jewish couple||269|
|Marie and Luigi, an Italian-American Catholic couple||277|
|Chante and Judah, an African-American, Native American, Baptist French, Russian Jewish, Sufi, Rastafarian couple||284|
|Sylvia and Fakir, an African-American Christian-Moroccan Muslim couple||293|
|Jacqueline and Kenneth, a Born-Again Christian-Jewish couple||300|
|A Final Word||309|
The first time I saw Josh, in an acting class in Manhattan, I thought, Now there's a really intelligent, sensitive, Jewish guy. Since I was a Christian, very committed to my spiritual walk and to my conservative church, it didn't occur to me that he might be just the intelligent, sensitive guy I'd looked for all my life. The first time Josh saw me, he thought (as he confessed years later), "Great legs. There is a woman I could spend the rest of my life with." (I don't know the degree of correlation between his two thoughts.)
When Josh asked me out for the first time, I wanted to refuse. But he was so nice, and I couldn't think of a polite way to say, "I can't associate with you because you're not the same religion as me." So we went ice skating in Central Park.
I was in my mid-twenties, I wanted to get married someday, and I knew I'd never marry a non-Christian. So, even though Josh was pretty incredible in every other way, I told him I couldn't see him anymore because he was not a Christian. I missed Josh and prayed for him for years after we stopped seeing each other.
I was afraid of the loving but judgmental God I'd been taught, and I finally decided that couldn't possibly be who the real God was. I longed for the Spirit of God but refused the many rules of the church, the literal interpretation of Scripture, the confession and intercessory prayer I'd always used. I went off that God cold turkey. I was free-falling.
I was never afraid with him. I was never more myself. He told me he felt the same way. We delighted in each other. He listened to my spiritual struggles, and held me when I cried because I couldn't figure out who God was. Josh had some experience with Buddhist meditation, and I was beginning to explore meditation, although I kept insisting I didn't get it and couldn't do it. Sometimes we meditated together. Sometimes we annoyed other pedestrians by stopping on busy street corners to kiss.
I was happy. After a while, I knew deep down that I had found the one. Josh said that from the beginning when he held me in his arms a little voice inside would say, "This is my wife, this is my wife," but he would completely ignore it. Now he says he should have known the little voice was smarter than he was.
It is difficult to say which of the four of us was the most nervous, but everything went beautifully. What was there not to like about Josh, this incredible man who loved me so much? What was there not to like about my parents, this wonderful couple who gave me their all?
Two and a half years later, Josh asked me to marry him. By then, he had spent enough time with my parents to let them see who he really was, beyond the category they had always been trained to place him in: non-Christian. But I knew their misgivings about their own daughter marrying out of the faith, raising their grandchildren differently than they had always assumed, because my mother and I had touched on the topic. To their great credit, my parents were able to be purely joyful with me.
We would marry in the Friends Meeting House I had finally found in my quest for communion with the Divine Spirit. Sunday services there are silent. The silence is deep and filled with light. The first time I walked into the Friends Meeting House I felt the presence of God wash over me. It was the only place I had been able to meet with God for several years. Josh sometimes went with me and meditated, too.
The service was real and intimate and celebratory and emotional. When at the end Susanna said, "I present to you Mr. and Mrs. ______," the guests burst into spontaneous applause, and as they clapped for several long moments, we simply stood holding hands, grinning, looking out at our loved ones, basking in the elation of the entire room, Jews and Christians and not-really-sure-whats. It is a minute, pure and true and victorious, that I will remember as long as I live.
Copyright © 2003 by Susanna Macomb
Posted June 12, 2007
I picked up this book looking for unique 'nontraditional' readings, poems, etc. for my wedding. What I found was a phenomenal amount of information, love, encouragement, respect and genuine caring in this book. I will read it over and over through the years! It is a true testament to the meaning of the word love.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted June 21, 2006
I have read many books on how to create a wedding, religious and non, and much of their information comes from this book. Rev. Susanna's book reflects her love and care for the couple to be wed. I would recommend this book to everyone, couples and clergy alike.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted December 10, 2005
Posted August 15, 2014
No text was provided for this review.