Read an Excerpt
Chapter 2: The Dumb Baby's Room
Mother and Daddy fixed up a room for the new baby. It's called a nursery. Except I don't know why. Because a baby isn't a nurse, of course.
The baby's room used to be the guest room. That's where all our guests used to sleep. Only we never had much guests.
And so now if we get some, they'll have to sleep on a table or something.
The baby's room has new stuff in it. That's because Mother and Daddy went shopping at the new baby stuff store.
They bought a new baby dresser with green and yellow knobs on it. And a new baby lamp with a giraffe on the lamp shade. And also, a new rocking chair for when the baby cries and you can't shut it up.
And there's a new baby crib, too.
A crib is a bed with bars on the side of it. It's kind of like a cage at the zoo. Except with a crib, you can put your hand through the bars. And the baby won't pull you in and kill you.
And guess what else is in the nursery? Wallpaper, that's what! The jungle kind. With pictures of elephants, and lions, and a big fat hippo-pot-of-something.
And there's monkeys, too! Which are my most favorite jungle guys in the whole world!
Mother and Daddy pasted on the wallpaper together.
Me and my dog Tickle were watching them.
"This wallpaper looks very cute in here," I told them. "I would like some of it in my room, too, I think. Okay?" I said. "Can I? Can I?"
"We'll see," said Daddy.
We'll see is another word for no.
"Yeah, only that's not fair," I said. "'Cause the baby gets all new junk and I have all old junk."
"Poor Junie B," said Mother very teasing.
Then she bended down and tried to hug me. Only she couldn't do it very good. Because of her big fat stomach which is where the stupid baby is.
"I don't think I'm going to like this dumb baby," I said.
Mother stopped hugging me.
"Don't say that, Junie B. Of course you will," she said.
"Of course I won't," I talked back. "Because it won't even let me hug you very good. And anyway, I don't even know its stupid dumb name."
Then Mother sat down in the new rocking chair. And she tried to put me on her lap. Only I wouldn't fit. So she just holded my hand.
"That's because Daddy and I haven't picked a name for the baby yet," she explained. "We want a name that's a little bit different. You know, something cute like Junie B. Jones. A name that people will remember."
And so I thought and thought very hard. And then I clapped my hands together real loud.
"Hey! I know one!" I said very excited. "It's the cafeteria lady at my school. And her name is Mrs. Gutzman!"
Mother frowned a little bit. And so maybe she didn't hear me, I think.
"MRS. GUTZMAN!" I hollered. "That's a cute name, don't you think? And I remembered it, too! Even after I only heard it one time, Mrs. Gutzman sticked right in my head!"
Mother took a big breath. "Yes, honey. But I'm not sure that Mrs. Gutzman is a good name for a tiny baby."
And so then I scrunched my face up. And I thought and thought all over again.
"How 'bout Teeny?" I said. "Teeny would be good."
Mother smiled. "Well, Teeny might be cute while the baby was little. But what would we call him when he grows up?"
"Big Teeny!" I called out very happy.
Then Mother said, "We'll see."
Which means no Big Teeny.
After that I didn't feel so happy anymore.
"When's this dumb bunny baby getting here anyway?" I said.
Mother frowned again. "The baby is not a dumb bunny, Junie B.," she said. "And it will be here very soon. So I think you'd better start getting used to the idea."
Then her and Daddy began pasting wallpaper again.
And so I opened the new baby dresser with the green and yellow knobs. And I looked at the new baby clothes.
The baby pajamas were very weensy. And the baby socks wouldn't even fit on my big piggie toe.
"I'm going to be the boss of this baby," I said to Tickle. "'Cause I'm the biggest, that's why."
Daddy snapped his fingers at me. "That's enough of that kind of talk, missy," he said.
Missy's my name when I'm in trouble.
After that, him and Mother went to the kitchen to get some more paste.
And so I looked down the hall to make sure he was gone.
"Yeah, only I'm still gonna be the boss of it," I whispered.
Ha ha. So there.