Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone

by Mark Goulston

Overview

Getting through to someone is a critical, fine art. Whether you are dealing with a harried colleague, a stressed-out client, or an insecure spouse, things will go from bad to worse if you can't break through emotional barricades and get your message thoroughly communicated and registered.

Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist, business consultant, and coach, author Mark Goulston combines his background with the latest scientific research to help you turn the “impossible” and “unreachable” people in their lives into allies, devoted customers, loyal colleagues, and lifetime friends.

In Just Listen, Goulston provides simple yet powerful techniques you can use to really get through to people including how to:

• make a powerful and positive first impression;
• listen effectively;
• make even a total stranger (potential client) feel understood;
• talk an angry or aggressive person away from an instinctual, unproductive reaction and toward a more rational mindset;
• and achieve buy-in--the linchpin of all persuasion, negotiation, and sales.

Whether they're coworkers, friends, strangers, or enemies, the first make-or-break step in persuading anyone to do anything is getting them to hear you out. The invaluable principles in Just Listen will get you through that first tough step with anyone.

With this groundbreaking book, you will be able to master the fine but critical art of effective communication.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780814436479
Publisher:	AMACOM
Publication date:	03/04/2015
Edition description:	Reprint
Pages:	256
Sales rank:	101,975
Product dimensions:	5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.80(d)
Age Range:	18 Years

About the Author

Mark Goulston, MD, FAPA is a board-certified psychiatrist, fellow of the American Psychiatric Association, former assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA NPI, and a former FBI and police hostage negotiation trainer. He is the creator of Theory Y Executive Coaching—which he provides to CEOs, presidents, founders, and entrepreneurs—and is a TEDx and international keynote speaker. He is the creator and developer of Surgical Empathy, a process to help people recover and heal from PTSD, prevent suicide in teenagers and young adults, and help organizations overcome implicit bias. Dr. Goulston is the author or principal author of seven prior books, including Why Cope When you Can Heal: How Healthcare Heroes of COVID-19 Can Recover from PTSD, PTSD for Dummies, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, Real Influence: Persuade Without Pushing and Gain Without Giving In, and Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life. He hosts the My Wakeup Call podcast, where he speaks with influencers about their purpose in life and the wakeup calls that led them there. He also is the co-creator and moderator of the multi-honored documentary Stay Alive: An Intimate Conversation About Suicide Prevention.

He appears frequently as a human psychology and behavior subject-area expert across all media, including news outlets ABC, NBC, CBS, and BBC News, as well as CNN, Today, Oprah, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Forbes, Fortune, Harvard Business Review, Business Insider, Fast Company, Huffington Post, and Westwood One.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 1: Who’s Holding You Hostage?

Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them.

—PAUL HAWKEN, AUTHOR, NATURAL CAPITALISM

Right now, there’s someone in your life you need to reach. But you can’t, and it’s driving you crazy. Maybe it’s somebody at work: a subordinate, a team member, a client, your boss. Or maybe it’s somebody at home: a partner, a parent, a defiant teen, an angry “ex.”

You’ve tried everything—logic, persuasion, forcefulness, pleading, anger—but you’ve hit a wall every time. You’re mad, scared, or frustrated. And you’re thinking, “What now?”

Here’s what I want you to do: Think of this as a hostage situation. Why? Because you can’t get free. You’re trapped by another person’s resistance, fear, hostility, apathy, stubbornness, self-cen teredness, or neediness—and by your own inability to take effective action.

And that’s where I come in. I’m just an average guy—husband, father, doctor—but a long time ago, I discovered that I had a special talent. You could drop me into just about any situation, and I could reach people. I could persuade defiant executives, angry employees, or self-destructing management teams to work cooperatively toward solutions. I could get through to families in turmoil and to married couples who hated each other’s guts. I could even change the minds of hostage takers and desperate people contemplating suicide. a wasn’t sure what I was doing differently from everybody else, but I could tell it worked. I knew I wasn’t smarter than everybody else, and I knew my success wasn’t just luck because what I did worked consistently, and it worked with all kinds of people in every type of situation. But why did it work?

In analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out I’d happened on a simple, quick set of techniques—some I’d discovered on my own, and others I’d learned from mentors and colleagues—that create traction. That is, they pull people toward me, even if those people are trying to pull away.

To understand this, picture yourself driving up a steep hill. Your tires slip and slide and can’t grab hold. But downshift, and you get control. It’s like pulling the road to meet you.

Most people upshift when they want to get through to other people. They persuade. They encourage. They argue. They push. And in the process, they create resistance. When you use the techniques I offer, you’ll do exactly the opposite—you’ll listen, ask, mirror, and reflect back to people what you’ve heard. When you do, they will feel seen, understood, and felt—and that unexpected downshift will draw them to you.

The powerful techniques you’ll learn in this book can move people rapidly and easily, often within minutes, from “no” to “yes.” I employ them every day to fix broken families and help warring couples fall in love again. I use them to save companies on the brink of meltdown, get feuding managers to work together effectively, and empower salespeople to make “impossible” sales. And I use them to help FBI agents and hostage negotiators succeed in the toughest situations possible, when life and death are on the line.

Table of Contents

CONTENTS

Foreword by Keith Ferrazzi xiii

Preface to the Paperback Edition xv

Acknowledgments xvii

SECTION I The Secret to Reaching Anyone 1

1 Who’s Holding YOU Hostage? 3

2 A Little Science: How the Brain Goes from “No” to “Yes” 14

SECTION II The 9 Core Rules for Getting Through to Anyone 25

3 Move Yourself from “Oh F#@& to OK” 27

4 Rewire Yourself to Listen 36

5 Make the Other Person Feel “Felt” 45

6 Be More Interested Than Interesting 55

7 Make People Feel Valuable 64

8 Help People to Exhale Emotionally and Mentally 69

9 Check Your Dissonance at the Door 77

10 When All Seems Lost—Bare Your Neck 87

11 Steer Clear of Toxic People 94

SECTION III 12 Easy-to-Use Tools for Achieving Buy-in and Getting Through 109

12 The Impossibility Question 111

13 The Magic Paradox 116

14 The Empathy Jolt 123

15 The Reverse Play, Empathy Jolt #2 132

16 “Do You Believe That?” 138

17 The Power of “Hmmm. . . .” 142

18 The Stipulation Gambit 150

19 From Transaction to Transformation 155

20 Side by Side 163

21 Fill in the Blanks 170

22 Take It All the Way to “No” 176

23 The Power Thank You and Power Apology 180

SECTION IV Fast Fixes for 7 Challenging Situations 187

24 The Team from Hell 189

25 Climbing the Ladder 194

26 The Narcissist at the Table 197

27 Stranger in Town 200

28 The Human Explosion 204

29 Getting Through to Yourself 209

30 Six Degrees of Separation 215

Afterword 221

Index 223

About the Author 231

Keynotes/Workshops 233

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

"'Just Listen' could be the definitive book on communication--today's generation's How to Win Friends and Influence People."
-Marty Nemko, Contributing Editor, U.S. News & World Report

Editorial Reviews

We’re all held captive when someone refuses to communicate. [Goulston’s] 12 easy tools to achieve buy-in and seven fast fixes for challenging situations are particularly helpful for everyday use.” —Working Strategies

“Who would benefit from reading Just Listen? I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t —customer service staff, managers, salespeople, parents, you name it…” —The Chronicle Herald

“Goulston helps the reader to learn how to get through to anyone.” —Business Now Magazine

“…offers nine core rules for reaching anyone, from Beelzebub down to the lowliest staffer, as well as a host of easy-to-use tools, concrete action steps, and illuminating examples.” —Accounting Today

“We all have difficult and unpleasant conversations throughout our lives…Mark gives us the key to not only making these conversations smoother, but help you communicate on a deeper level.” —Optimized Geek

“Hell, Sartre pointed out, is other people, but it turns out that there are ways to make them less devilish…trick is to learn to really listen in the way described by this book.” —Accounting Today

"[Mark Goulston] understands communication, and he understands people…Who would benefit from reading Just Listen? I can't think of anyone who wouldn't.” —The Chronicle Herald

“…useful insights into opening anyone up—a recalcitrant vendor, a desirable prospect, a client dragging ass….Goulston’s words gave me sizable goosebumps.” —Forbes.com

"...provides numerous insights and tips for impactful listening written in an engaging and thoroughly enjoyable manner." —Daily Times

"Once in a while a book comes along that makes us slow down, become introspective and thus, learn and transform...Such a book is Just Listen." —Parking Today

“Readers learn how to listen effectively, shift an angry or aggressive person into a calmer, more receptive state, and use empathy jolts to bridge a communication gap.“ —Business Insider

“Readers learn how to listen effectively, shift an angry or aggressive person into a calmer, more receptive state, and use empathy jolts to bridge a communication gap.” —Idealist Careers

“…ranks as one of my all-time favorite books and is, in my humble opinion, the BEST book written on this very important topic.” —Linkedin

“…filled with great questions that will absolutely ‘Increase Your Leadership Effectiveness X10!’ This is a must buy book for every leader and every coach! —Bob Tiede, Leading with Questions blog

“Backed by the latest scientific research, simple but powerful techniques that can turn frustration and anger into engagement are explained.” –HR magazine (Hong Kong)

From the Publisher

Goulston (Get Out of Your Own Way at Work) returns with a primer on dealing with hard-to-reach people in virtually every scenario—defiant executives, angry employees, families in turmoil, warring couples—through use of well-honed psychological techniques. Negotiating intractable situations is like driving up a steep hill, he posits, but most of us make the mistake of creating more resistance by shifting up; “downshift, and you get control,” he writes. His “Persuasion Cycle” filters illustrative snippets from counseling sessions during which he digs into an impressive bag of tricks—“Magic Paradox,” “Impossibility Question,” “Empathy Jolt”—techniques “like martial arts moves: potent on their own, but even more powerful when you combine them.” His successful persuasion case studies include negotiating a police standoff and assisting a married couple's conflict resolution. Chapter summaries feature action steps preparing readers to encounter similar scenarios, yielding a guide that is as entertaining as it is useful. (Sept.)

Publishers Weekly

Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist, business consultant, and FBI hostage-negotiation trainer, Goulston provides brilliant yet doable techniques for getting through to others. His approach boils down to a modernized version of eminent therapist Carl Rogers's client-centered therapy owing to its point that people need to be "felt"; clarifying questions and statements faciliate achieving just that. His advice on recognizing and steering clear of toxic people is on target. This book transcends the self-help category by promoting real communication.

Library Journal