Want a NOOK? Explore Now
52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop
The only known translation of an ancient manual instructing readers in the art of enlightened bathroom experience, the Kama Pootra offers a thrilling rediscovery of the tiled path to porcelain nirvana.
Willing seekers will find fifty-two progressive positions designed to maximize how you do number two.
Every time the bathroom door closes, a new experience awaits.
From Solo:
The Kama Pootra begins as a personal study of reflection and meditation. Before one can understand the Kama Pootra, he must possess an open mind freed from any preconceived notions about bathroom behavior. The positions presented in this chapter are intended for the student alone. To begin, familiarize yourself with your surroundings: the coolness of a porcelain toilet, the contours of a tiled floor, the silken touch of toilet paper. Survey your anatomy with a close examination of what Arthur Rimbaud, the nineteenth-century French poet, referred to as the "enticing olive."* If you have never seen yourself in stark detail, try crouching over a carefully angled hand mirror.
Once you have an understanding of your body type and anatomy, you may begin to try the basic positions of the Kama Pootra. It is certain that some of these tasks may be uncomfortable at first, but remember that hard work is always plentifully rewarded in the bathroom.
The Gold Standard
The Gold Standard is the foundation for all poop studies included in this book. When boys and girls enter into bathroom maturity-a good number by age three and some prodigious children as early as six months-this basic position is the first pose taught in Western toilet centric cultures. It is remarkable for its simplicity and undemanding physical nature. A famous Zimbabwean proverb stipulates, "If you can speak, you can sing. If you can walk, you can dance." Likewise: if you can sit, you can poop.
The Thinker
This is the premier position for deep contemplation. Many of the great philosophers in history used bathroom time to formulate theories about human nature. Take time to ponder life's greatest questions:
· What is the source of my happiness?
· Am I eating healthy enough?
· When did I eat so much corn?
90 Degrees
This position utilizes the full curvature of the toilet seat for a more well-rounded experience. Students with larger bottoms (water buffalo or elephants) will find that the 90 Degrees position is more comfortable because additional width is afforded by sitting perpendicular. This position is also useful for unsecured restrooms in that it allows greater options to observe the door directly.
The Lotus
This position is achieved by intertwining the legs upon the toilet seat to gain what the maharishis call "toilet levitation." The Lotus position is an excellent way to meditate and release the stresses and anxieties that build up from a modern caloric intake. Meditation in concert with a full release can elevate the consciousness to a plane approaching bathroom nirvana.
The Reverse
The Reverse position offers the student a new perspective of the bathroom, a 180, if you will, from the traditional positions of the Kama Pootra. By simply turning around from the standard position, the back is given a free range of motion should the student need to lean back or contort herself. From this position one can assume complete control of the toilet. A "drop and flush" maneuver can be completed in one fluid motion as the toilet is brought under quick and easy control.
The Breast Exam
An important aspect of the Kama Pootra is maintaining a healthy body. The Kama Pootra views the physical body as a sacred poop vault that must not be neglected. Harboring toxins and illness impairs the ability to harness maximum pleasure from a healthy poop experience. Maintaining a clean lifestyle and routinely performing self-screenings are simple proactive ways to retain the Kama Pootra's full potential. While the most dangerous foe of the Kama Pootra is no doubt colon cancer, women should use this position at least once a month to check for unexpected lumps and hard masses. Your next poop may save your life
The Airplane Crash
This position is fashioned after the airplane safety manual, which-in the event of a crash-advises that the head should be placed between the legs, arms interlocked under the knees. If needed, grab your ankles for leverage as you anxiously proceed in making a water landing.
Contents
Acknowledgments vii
Introduction ix
Solo 1
The Gold Standard 3
The Thinker 4
90 Degrees 7
The Lotus 8
The Reverse 11
The Breast Exam 12
The Airplane Crash 15
Spread Eagle 16
The Torpedo 19
The Pike 20
The Crab 23
The Cannonball 24
Frisk 27
Naked 28
The Butterfly 31
Runner's Poop 32
Poolside 35
Skydive 36
The Captain 39
The Pommel Horse 40
One Cheek Lean 43
Leapfrog 44
Doggystyle 47
High Crouch 48
Missionary Position 51
Group Positions 53
Wedding Night 55
Foot Massage 56
Wheelbarrow 59
The Reverse Heimlich 60
The Cheerleader 63
Positions with Toys 65
Guitar 67
Kitty Style 68
Brooklyn Style 71
Your Dad's Position 72
Heroin (Mr Brownstone) 75
The Foodie 76
Weight Lifting 79
The Giga-Flop 80
The Writer 83
Phone Poop 84
The New York Breakfast 87
Gas Mask 88
Specialty Positions 91
Public Toilet 93
In the Dark 94
Camping 97
Port-o-Poop 98
Outhouse 101
The Mile High Club 102
Mirrors 105
A Poop Abroad 106
Aromatherapy 109
Tantric 110
Conclusion 113
About the Author 115
Daniel Cole Young is a former radio contest writer who works as a consultant for major Hollywood studios. Young earned degrees in Computer Science and French at UC Davis and studied abroad in Paris and Grenoble.
DobbsCD
Posted July 12, 2011
This book is funny! I laugh every time I read it. The writing is clever. I never thought it would be possible to have 52 ways, but sure enough there are. I've given it to many friends and all loved it. Perfect for anyone's bathroom, seriously everyone could use some reading material in there from time to time.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Whenever I find myself being to serious, all I have to do is pick up this book and instantly I'm falling over from laughing so hard. I keep Kama Pootra in the bathroom now and any time we have company we end up discussing this fascinating book. I love it!
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Toni22
Posted January 20, 2012
I bought this book for my 35 year old son for Christmas this year because it was given as an exchange gift at our annual holiday party and the 30's crowd thought it was hysterical. they passed it around and laughed out loud. My son questioned why I would get him this book and I told him - he just said hmmmm....I think he went home and read it and laughed but don't know for sure.
It is potty humor and would recommend for people who like that kind of humor.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted May 5, 2012
I got the sample. Wut does it mean by 'positions with toys' in the contents? If someone could tell me, Id be thankful!
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted April 4, 2012
if you just looked at this you and your family get a horse and give it to Bianca Contreras and for a little extra you will also give a chick to HER .What i say is awesomly true.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted January 2, 2012
Poop peeyou gross guys wrote this book and its stupid
0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted November 11, 2011
No text was provided for this review.
Anonymous
Posted September 5, 2010
No text was provided for this review.
Overview
52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop
The only known translation of an ancient manual instructing readers in the art of enlightened bathroom experience, the Kama Pootra offers a thrilling rediscovery of the tiled path to porcelain nirvana.
Willing seekers will find fifty-two progressive positions designed to maximize how you do number two.
Every time the bathroom door closes, a new ...