Read an Excerpt
From Solo:
The Kama Pootra begins as a personal study of reflection and meditation. Before one can understand the Kama Pootra, he must possess an open mind freed from any preconceived notions about bathroom behavior. The positions presented in this chapter are intended for the student alone. To begin, familiarize yourself with your surroundings: the coolness of a porcelain toilet, the contours of a tiled floor, the silken touch of toilet paper. Survey your anatomy with a close examination of what Arthur Rimbaud, the nineteenth-century French poet, referred to as the "enticing olive."* If you have never seen yourself in stark detail, try crouching over a carefully angled hand mirror.
Once you have an understanding of your body type and anatomy, you may begin to try the basic positions of the Kama Pootra. It is certain that some of these tasks may be uncomfortable at first, but remember that hard work is always plentifully rewarded in the bathroom.
The Gold Standard
The Gold Standard is the foundation for all poop studies included in this book. When boys and girls enter into bathroom maturity—a good number by age three and some prodigious children as early as six months—this basic position is the first pose taught in Western toilet centric cultures. It is remarkable for its simplicity and undemanding physical nature. A famous Zimbabwean proverb stipulates, "If you can speak, you can sing. If you can walk, you can dance." Likewise: if you can sit, you can poop.
The Thinker
This is the premier position for deep contemplation. Many of the great philosophers in history used bathroom time to formulate theories about human nature. Take time to ponder life's greatest questions:
· What is the source of my happiness?
· Am I eating healthy enough?
· When did I eat so much corn?
90 Degrees
This position utilizes the full curvature of the toilet seat for a more well-rounded experience. Students with larger bottoms (water buffalo or elephants) will find that the 90 Degrees position is more comfortable because additional width is afforded by sitting perpendicular. This position is also useful for unsecured restrooms in that it allows greater options to observe the door directly.
The Lotus
This position is achieved by intertwining the legs upon the toilet seat to gain what the maharishis call "toilet levitation." The Lotus position is an excellent way to meditate and release the stresses and anxieties that build up from a modern caloric intake. Meditation in concert with a full release can elevate the consciousness to a plane approaching bathroom nirvana.
The Reverse
The Reverse position offers the student a new perspective of the bathroom, a 180, if you will, from the traditional positions of the Kama Pootra. By simply turning around from the standard position, the back is given a free range of motion should the student need to lean back or contort herself. From this position one can assume complete control of the toilet. A "drop and flush" maneuver can be completed in one fluid motion as the toilet is brought under quick and easy control.
The Breast Exam
An important aspect of the Kama Pootra is maintaining a healthy body. The Kama Pootra views the physical body as a sacred poop vault that must not be neglected. Harboring toxins and illness impairs the ability to harness maximum pleasure from a healthy poop experience. Maintaining a clean lifestyle and routinely performing self-screenings are simple proactive ways to retain the Kama Pootra's full potential. While the most dangerous foe of the Kama Pootra is no doubt colon cancer, women should use this position at least once a month to check for unexpected lumps and hard masses. Your next poop may save your life
The Airplane Crash
This position is fashioned after the airplane safety manual, which—in the event of a crash—advises that the head should be placed between the legs, arms interlocked under the knees. If needed, grab your ankles for leverage as you anxiously proceed in making a water landing.
