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The Funny Things That Children Say
By Richard Benson, Milla Roelofse, Rob Melhuish
Summersdale Publishers LtdCopyright © 2010 Summersdale Publishers Ltd
All rights reserved.
Out and About
When passing a racetrack in the car:
What goes on there?
It's where people race horses.
Child (after some thought):
I bet the horses win.
Can I go and play with those boys outside?
No, you can't, they're a bit rough when they play.
But if I find a smooth one, can I play with him?
Mum at a toddler group to her small child when she spies some other mums looking her way:
I think my ears are burning.
Child (looking anxiously at her mum):
Quickly, put them out then!
Sweet-looking little girl says to colourful caterpillar found on the ground:
Aw, lovely little caterpillar ... [stamps on it] THERE! You're dead now!
Daddy, I really need the toilet!
OK, we'll stop soon. Do you need a number one or a number two?
Child (thinks about it for a while):
I need a twelve!
On seeing a headless tailor's dummy in a clothes shop:
I'll pray for you.
About a house that only had the wooden framing done:
Oh, I wouldn't want to live in a house like that — it's naked!
Daddy, if you close your eyes when you drive, it makes you go faster!
Little Girl watching her father fall over as he tries to demonstrate how to roller-skate:
Mummy, what's Daddy doing now?
On the way out of an expensive shop, and in a loud voice:
Mummy, are we leaving because you don't have enough money to buy anything?
I went to Kenya for my holidays. I went not to have a safari adventure, but a family one. We went because all my family lives there ... except my mum, dad, my brother, me and my sister.
On seeing a sign for no dog fouling:
What does that sign mean? No smoking for dogs?
On seeing a dark line in the sea from the plane window:
Look Mum, there's the EQUATOR!
Seeing a police dog in the back of a police car:
What did he do?
When going into the toilet block at an amusement park:
What ride is this, Mum?
About the GPS system in the car:
How does she know where we are going?
Look at that lovely German shepherd over there.
How do you know he's German?
To a bobby on the beat:
Oh my gosh, does your mum have to help you put those big boots on?
A little girl had wet her knickers and been told by her mother not to worry because it's just an accident. The next week while out shopping, she turns to her mummy and says:
I really need an accident!
Mum, I want to go on a cargo ship, you know, one that the car goes on!
A father and child were in an antiques shop looking at teddy bears. The dad had a bear at home from his childhood called William that was badly showing its age. The small child, being aware of the threadbare state of the bear goes up to the very snooty saleswoman and says in an earnest voice:
My daddy's Willy is going tufty.
When seeing people riding bicycles:
Don't their feet get dizzy?
For my holidays I went to Euroland and met Snow Wipe and Sleepy Booby. I met Mickey Mouse — he is a real mouse.
A mother and small child were at the funfair. The child is delighted with his mum's efforts on the 'Hook a Duck' stall and shouts with pride:
My mum is the best hooker!
I paid for my sweets myself. I went up to the lady and she put my pennies in her castrator.
After seeing their first ever ballet performance:
Why were they on tiptoe all the time? It would have been easier if they just used taller people.
I'm not going in the car with Dad — he drives like a ninny.
Pointing at a gravestone:
Mummy, do people live in there?CHAPTER 2
When I Grow Up
I would like to be a cow or a girl when I grow up.
When I'm big, if I have a baby and it's a boy, I'm going to have to sell it, because boys are really horrible!
I'm going to be a superhero and save the world. I'm going to go and do 1,000 push-ups in my room now.
I think I want to be a dragonfly when I grow up. Or a dentist.
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. I'll probably have hair on my bottom just like my dad, too.
I want to be a teacher because I want to be allowed to wear high heels all day.
When I grow up I want a really massive house with spider legs.
I want to be a policeman, so I can arrest my daddy when he puts me on the naughty step.
I want to be a penguin so I can play outside all day.
I want to work with commuters because I'm good at pressing buttons.
I want to be a pirate when I grow up so I can fly the plane to Disney World and meet Mickey Mouse.
It's a pilot that flies a plane, is that what you mean?
Can pilots wear eye patches and peg legs too?
I want to be a fish except I've never seen one. Do people eat fish?
I want to be a celebrity chef like Gordon Brown.
When I grow up I'm going to shave my arm pips.
I'm not sure if I want to grow up. Will my bones fall out like my teeth, so that bigger ones can grow?CHAPTER 3
Animals and Pets
Make sure that you never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips together! And they don't let go for at least a minute.
Electric eels can give you a shock. They live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
A dolphin breathes through its bottom on the top of its face.
Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth, just like my big sister. She's not my friend any more.
My parents took me to the zoo at the weekend. My favourite animal is a fricken elephant.
Dad! I think our cat is dead!
How do you know that?
Because I pissed in its ear.
YOU DID WHAT??
You know ... I bent down and went pssssst in its ear and it didn't move.
Why do cow yards smell like poo? Don't they know how to flush?
A little girl's puppy wanders into the bathroom when she's in the bath.
No Mum, he can't come in!
Why? He's only a little puppy dog.
But he's a BOY puppy! And I'm naked in here.
Did God mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
My puppy still has stinky breath even after I gave her a Polo mint.
A preschooler speaks to his dad about some newborn kittens that he went to see with his mum:
There were two boy kittens and one girl.
How could you tell?
Well, the woman who owns them picked them up and looked underneath — I think it's printed on their bottoms.
I saw a hedgehog and it had pickles all over it.
Never wear yellow outside because bees and wasps will chase you. They think you're a dandelion.
A small child when collecting eggs in the morning from the family's chickens:
Can we get some pigs, then I can collect the bacon and sausages in the morning too?
Crabs can hurt because they have little princes that can nip you.
We went to a farm and the farmer pointed out his prize bollock. It was really big and steam was coming off it because it was a cold day.
My dad taught me about lemons. They jump off cliffs to their deaths. I would not like to be a lemon.CHAPTER 4
Little girl threatening younger sister:
If you're going to do that, you'll have to face the quenchy-quenchies!
My mummy is the best, and I love her so much that as soon as she's dead I'm going to bury her underneath my bedroom window.
Two children overheard in the playground discussing what their parents do for a living.
My dad is a postman and my mum is a teacher.
My dad is an old codger — at least that's what my mum says he is, but I'm sure what one of those is.
Whenever your mum is angry and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' it's always best not to answer her.
Mummy, when you're dead, can I have your slippers?
Don't let your mum brush your hair when she's in a bad mood with your dad.
Always ask your grandparents for something if your mum and dad have said no first.
Why don't grandma and grandpa have names like the rest of us?
A grandfather is a man-grandmother.
A little boy after seeing an ultrasound:
My mummy is having a baby. I know because I saw it on the telly!
On seeing grandma's false teeth in a glass by the side of the bed:
I can't believe it! How much is she going to get from the tooth fairy for all of those?
A child after seeing his parents' wedding photos:
Is that when Mummy came to work for us?
Small child to grandma:
Are you older than my other nana? Does that mean you'll die first?
I'm glad you're not deaf, Grandma. Because then you wouldn't hear the funny things that I say.
My dad taught me that you must only use swear words when using a hammer.
My mum told me she is stagnant, I hope I get a baby sister.
Indignant child to their grandmother after being told off:
Well I don't care what you say, because every night you sleep next to my granddad and cuddle up to him like a big wimp!CHAPTER 5
God spoke to me one night. He said 'Rmmrrm!' But it might have been a lawn mower or a motorbike.
What did God stand on when he was creating the Earth?
I am not really a Christian. I believe in fairies and pixies.
Child [pointing to a dead bird in the garden]:
Daddy, what happened to him?
He died and went to heaven.
Did God throw him back down?
Angels don't eat but they drink milk from holy cows.
Sunday school teacher:
And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?
Because people are sleeping.
The Bible says that God made light. But we were told in school that Thomas Edison made it. Did he steal God's idea?
Three children were conducting a makeshift funeral for their newly departed pet hamster. After a rousing rendition of 'All Things Bright and Beautiful', the oldest child, acting as the vicar, intoned,
'In the name of the Father, and of the Son and in the hole he goes.'
Angels look after your pets when they are sick. And if the animals don't get better, they help the child get over it.
God! God! GOD!
What's the matter?
I'm just talking to God. Why isn't he talking back to me?
Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email.
Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?
No, how are we alike?
You're both really old.
God looks after us when we are sleeping because he has a special key and just lets himself in.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
A small child was looking at an old Bible in his parents' house and very carefully turning the fragile pages. Someone had used the book as a flower press at one time and out fell a few leaves and flower heads. The stunned child shouted to his mum:
Look! I think I've found Adam and Eve's underwear!
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
After a wrong number:
Mum, who was on the phone? Was it Jesus?
When we go to heaven we get to live with Santa and Rudolph in the sky. That's where my hamster went.
Angels work for God and look after all the children when God is busy with other things.
Looking at headstones in a cemetery:
Are those the Ten Commandments?
Overheard in church:
Oh come let us ignore him Oh come let us ignore him Oh come let us ignore him Price that lawn.
God created Adam and Ebay.
God is really old and wrinkly, kind of like a dinosaur He-Man.
A small child to a shocked mother on the way home from school:
Milly and Jane said that their parents are Roman Catholic, so I told them that our family are all prostitutes.
Today I learned about doughnut and the whale in Sunday school — doughnut was eaten by the whale because he'd been bad. He was a bad doughnut.
A small child and his father are standing at the entrance to the church after matins and are looking at a war memorial.
Daddy, what's that?
It's a memorial that's dedicated to those who have died in service.
What? The service this morning?CHAPTER 6
On being told that sausages are made from pigs:
You can't eat pigs — they're the farmer's pets!
I have chocolate flavour milk at bedtime. And Molly [pointing to her baby sister] has booby flavour.
I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks, the prettier my mummy looks.
Can I have sprinklers on my ice cream?
A boy opens a box of animal-shaped biscuits and empties them out all over the kitchen table:
What on earth are you doing?
It says on the box that you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm trying to find the seal.
My mum's a virgin because she doesn't eat meat.
Child after having a piece of popcorn extracted from his ear:
Why did you put the popcorn in your ear?
I didn't put it in there ... my ear sucked it up!
If turkey comes from turkeys, does ham come from hamsters?
I love toucans on my soup. They're really crunchy but also a bit chewy and get stuck in my teeth.
Explaining the difference between an item of food and a dish:
A carrot is a carrot, but macaroni cheese isn't.
Mummy, long ago, did you have food?
On seeing sesame seeds on a burger bun:
This has hamburger seeds in it!
After having some microwave beans:
That's the best meal you've ever made me!
I used to believe that when I ate all my dinner up that it went down to my toes. Now I know it only reaches my knees.
Before people landed on the moon, everyone thought the moon was made of cheese. It's actually made of rock, but that's what happens to cheese when you leave it out of the fridge for too long.
Asked if they've had chicken pox:
No, but I've had Cocoa Pops.
Small child when asked what their favourite vegetable is:
I love going to the cinema and having cop porn.
Being green means eating more orgasmic vegetables, because they're better for you.
I'm not having grilled cheese sandwiches. Boys only eat boy cheese sandwiches!
That was spicy. It hurt my feelings.
Small child when asked why they are not eating their dinner:
I've lost my apple tights.
A small child was helping to bake a cake. After breaking the eggs and eyeing up the electric whisk she says:
Can I make the eggs dizzy now?
Small child who has eaten too much:
Mummy, my cheese is biting back!
My dad isn't very well today because of his overhang.CHAPTER 7
When Robert brought his Action Man into school it was constipated, because we're not allowed to have toys in school.
Who draws the lines around the countries?
A fossil is something really old. It sometimes contains the footprints of a fish.
Elbow grease is what you use to make things clean. You can only use it when you have a scab on your elbow, otherwise there's no grease.
Did you enjoy your first day at school?
Not really, I had to stay awake all day!
We've got a spinach girl coming to stay. I won't know what to say to her, though, because I don't know spinach.
I learned how to do colouring-in in deception class today.
We made a leaving card for Mrs Bow because she is retarded at the end of term.
If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent.
When teachers get old, like over forty, they're always in a really grumpy mood.
In a geography class:
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
It used to be Mummy who took me to school, but now we have a big new bust that takes us.
A buzzard is when it snows sideways, but tomatoes are even more dangerous — you can see them coming from miles off and they can wreck houses and lift cars off the ground.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
I've been told I can take violence lessons in my music class, except I'd rather play the piano.CHAPTER 8
The three wise men brought the baby Jesus some presents of gold, frankincense, myrrh and silver. But I think he would have preferred some Star Wars action figures.
There was an angel at Jesus' birth called Gabriel. All he did was fly around a lot.
I think Jesus was born in a shed, or a barn, or a stable — one of the three.
They followed a special Christmas star, which is only out in December.
Jesus's mummy and daddy are called Jovis and Mary.
Excerpted from Kids' Klangers by Richard Benson, Milla Roelofse, Rob Melhuish. Copyright © 2010 Summersdale Publishers Ltd. Excerpted by permission of Summersdale Publishers Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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