Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette, or, How to Get to Heaven or Hell without Going through Dallas-Fort Worth

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Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Delivering belly laughs, hee-haws, and downright slackjaw amazement, this hilarious guide to the homeland of George W. and Willie Nelson is the essential how-to for surviving in the Lone Star State. From strange Texas laws and the history of Dr Pepper to "Texas Talk" (in which a "turd floater" is a heavy downpour) and final-meal requests by death row inmates, Kinky Friedman, "the oldest living Jew in Texas who doesn't own any real estate," provides an insider's guide ...
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Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette, or, How to Get to Heaven or Hell without Going through Dallas-Fort Worth

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Overview

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Delivering belly laughs, hee-haws, and downright slackjaw amazement, this hilarious guide to the homeland of George W. and Willie Nelson is the essential how-to for surviving in the Lone Star State. From strange Texas laws and the history of Dr Pepper to "Texas Talk" (in which a "turd floater" is a heavy downpour) and final-meal requests by death row inmates, Kinky Friedman, "the oldest living Jew in Texas who doesn't own any real estate," provides an insider's guide that will be loved by native Texans and the rest of us poor devils alike. Even if you don't know the difference between an Aggie and an armadillo -- or what's really in the back of Willie Nelson's tour bus -- you can pass for a Texan with the Kinkster's expert coaching. So grab your hairspray and the keys to the Cadillac and get reading!
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Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble
The Barnes & Noble Review
Get out your hairspray and cowboy boots and hop into your Cadillac -- Kinky Friedman is back to "teach the rest of the world how to act right, like we do in Texas." From bizarre Texas laws to local lore, from the Aggies to the Alamo, the Kinkster will teach you what you need to know to survive in the Lone Star State.

When Texas' former governor took up residence in the White House, Kinky realized that the country must have some unanswered questions about the state that "gave the world the cowboy." Responding to this need, "the oldest living Jew in Texas who doesn't own any real estate" offers a guide to his homeland, which gave birth to an airport larger than the island of Manhattan; America's oldest soft drink, Dr. Pepper; and a mystifying creature known as the Texas Big Hair.

"Texas, as most people know," says Kinky, "has lived under six flags, which can create a high degree of cultural attention deficit disorder." Texas has responded by creating a culture all its own, including laws that "require criminals to give their victims twenty-four hour notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed" and where "you can be legally married by publicly introducing a person as your husband or wife three times." From urinating outdoors ("the most sacred inalienable right of all citizens of the Lone Star State") to the history of the Alamo (upon which, incidentally, it is illegal to urinate), from touring with Willie Nelson ("There is no truth to the widely held belief that Willie needs the other two buses to carry all the weed he smokes on the first bus") to the truth behind the Yellow Rose of Texas, the Kinkster digs deep into his ten-gallon hat for more hilarious facts, tips, and jokes than you can shake a stick at. He also offers a guide to the Texan language, defining words like "catty whompus" and "larrupin," and lists Actual Quotes from Actual Texas Politicians like House Speaker Gib Lewis ("I move we recess to go outside and throw up"). And for newcomers, there is a quiz to help you decide, "Redneck, Good Old Boy, or Oilman: What Kind of Texan Are You?"

With lists of famous celebrities from Texas (and famous Texans not from Texas), local heroes, countless cartoons by Ace Reid, "the world's greatest cowboy cartoonist," an Armadillo Fast Fact File, and more, Kinky Friedman will put a smile on your face bigger than your belt buckle. Think his Guide to Texas Etiquette will give you a hearty laugh? As they say Texas, "U-betcha." (Elise Vogel)

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780066209883
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 9/1/1901
  • Pages: 208
  • Product dimensions: 5.50 (w) x 8.25 (h) x 0.82 (d)

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Things You Would Never Hear a Real Texan Say

  • I think that song needs more French horn.

  • Is that tuna dolphin-safe?

  • The tires on that truck are too big.

  • There's no place in my home for obscenity!

  • I believe the proper word is "African-American."

  • I'll have the decaf latte, please.

  • William Robert, you appall me.

  • This red wine has a rather cheeky bouquet.

  • I've got two cases of Perrier for the Super Bowl.

  • Fried pig rinds are disgusting.

  • You're watching football? Change the channel — Oprah is on!

  • Will you go ahead with a home birth if the baby arrives in Paris?

  • Duct tape won't fix that.

  • Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

  • Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

  • We don't keep firearms in this house.

  • You can't feed that to the dog.

  • I thought Graceland was tacky.

  • No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe.

  • Wrestling is not real.

Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette. Copyright © by Kinky Friedman. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments xiii
A Big Howdy from Kinky the Friendly Cowboy xv
Things You Would Never Hear a Real Texan Say 1
Big Hair for Jesus 2
Legend of the Texas Bluebonnet 5
Redneck, Good OI' Boy, or Oilman: Which Kind of Texan Are You? 7
Hometown Heroes 10
Guide to Texas Etiquette 13
How Big Is Texas? 23
Actual Quotes from Actual Texas Politicians 24
Things That Make You Go "Hmmmm" 27
All Politics Is Yokel 29
Advice to Anyone Moving to Texas 33
Famous Texans Not from Texas 37
Seen on Texas Bumper Stickers 39
How Texas Got Its Lone Star 40
Always Hold the Door for a Lady Sheriff 41
Rich Texas Oilmen 48
Texas A&M Football and the Twelfth Man Tradition 49
Written Test for Police 50
Eddie Childs 50
A Riddle 51
You Know You're in Texas When ... 52
Texas Talk 53
The Train Track Children 55
Coming of Age in Texas 57
More Hometown Heroes 61
How to Spot a Texan Abroad 62
Armadillo Fast Fact File 65
Prisoner-of-War Camps in Texas 67
Digging the Roots of Texas Music 69
Strange Texas Laws 84
Final Meal Requests by Texas Death Row Inmates 86
Texas Murderers 88
May All Your Juries Be Well-Hung 91
Texas Is the Only State 112
Tall Tales 113
Famous Texans with Mutant Genitalia 114
History of Dr Pepper 114
Aggie Jokes 117
Little-Known Facts About the Alamo and Her Defenders 119
The Alamo: John Wayne's Classic Movie 121
After the Alamo 122
The Texas Chicken Ranch 122
Strange Sports Mascots in Texas 124
The Back of the Bus 127
Everybody Is Somebody in Luckenbach 136
The Texas Celebrity High School Football Hall of Fame 137
Chili, the State Dish 138
Texas Weather 140
Shoshone the Magic Pony 143
The Yellow Rose of Texas 147
Teneha, Timpson, Bobo, and Blair 148
The Congress Avenue Bridge Bats 148
The Most Famous Texas Horned Toad 150
Chuck Wagon Cooking 151
Drawing from Experience 155
Outlaws in Texas 169
Rough Riders 171
Wanted: The Real Urban Cowboy 173
Still More Hometown Heroes 189
Dan Blocker 190
The Cowboy Cook's Prayer 190
God's Own Cowboys 193
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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 12 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(6)

4 Star

(1)

3 Star

(1)

2 Star

(1)

1 Star

(3)

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Sort by: Showing 1 – 13 of 12 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 5, 2013

    Kinky's The Best!!!!!!

    I love Kinky. He has a way of seeing things in a way I wouldn't have thought of. He' very interesting and a hoot. And he's and animal lover. Keep the laughs coming, Kinky.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 28, 2013

    Awful. I thought I read one of his books in the early 90's and l

    Awful. I thought I read one of his books in the early 90's and liked it, so I got this one when it was on sale. Honestly, it just seemed like a crazy mean spirited mess.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 26, 2013

    Uneven

    Uneven sums it up

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 9, 2013

    Wow

    This book isn't under 2.99! Its 9.99

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 4, 2013

    Hey

    Se.xy

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 10, 2013

    Good book

    Funny read.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 10, 2012

    To below

    Some of the phrases ive never heard of unless its coming from a 70 year old! Like turd loater or whatever. We just say its raininglike any other NoRMal person. But really funny if youre looking for entertainment and not accuracy

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 25, 2012

    Must read this before buy MUSTREAD THIS BEFORE BUYING

    This book accuratly paints a picture of us Texans, even for those of you who are not priviledged to be Texans its a funny book

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted December 11, 2004

    Kinky Friedman's Guide to Texas Etiquette

    Houston is like living in Mexico or Central America from the most proper way to the most inappropriate way.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 15, 2002

    Great!

    This book was very funny!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 19, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted January 26, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted June 21, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

Sort by: Showing 1 – 13 of 12 Customer Reviews

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