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"He's Dr. Ruth with a yarmulke."
"A saucy, slim volume...[proves] that sex can be both holy and hot."
"Boteach possesses the power to surprise as much as he does to preach....Sure to set off firecrackers in traditional Jewish circles...Provocative."
"A sex book with a difference...preaches back-to-bedroom basics...[while bringing] Jewish teachings on sex to a wider public: Jewish, Gentile, atheist, and anyone else who cares to listen."
Platonic friendship--the interval between the introduction and the first kiss.
--Sophie Irene Loeb
I have always detested the belief that sex is the chief bond between man and woman. Friendship is far more human.
Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is physics.
Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
Kosher Sex in a Nutshell
Kosher sex is carnal love that leads to knowledge and intimacy. Bertrand Russell wrote in Love, an Escape from Loneliness: "Civilized people cannot fully satisfy their sexual instinct without love. The instinct is not fully satisfied unless a man's whole being, mental quite as much as physical, enters into the relation." Sex at its best, therefore, is an act of capitulation whereby two strangers allow themselves to be carried away to a promised land of familiarity and togetherness. Casual sex, by contrast, is where the two participants stand their ground in the wake of that tidal wave of positive emotion that sex calls forth, remaining rooted and atomized in their own sphere.
Sex for pleasure is an end in itself. But kosher sex is a journey whose destination is a couple who feel joined not only by the same roof or children, but especially through the enjoyment and pleasure they constantly give each other. The fire of sexual attraction and sexual union in the bedroom leads to the closeness and intimacy in life outside the bedroom. Conversely, when sexual attraction is diminished within marriage, the marriage falters in other areas as well. As Masters and Johnson write: "When things don't work well in the bedroom, they don't work well in the living room either." Conversely, a man who is not attentive and romantic to his wife outside the bedroom cannot suddenly expect her to perform inside the bedroom. So, romance and love leads to sex, and kosher sex continues the cycle by engendering continued romance and love.
The purpose of sex is to sew two distinct bodies together as one flesh. When you want to connect the sleeve with the body of a sweater, you take a needle and thread, put the needle through the two separate pieces, and even after you later remove the needle, it has become one garment. The same is true of sex. A man and a woman share a very intense, bonding experience that leaves them sewn together with emotional thread even after they separate. Sex is a supreme bonding process that has no equal. Kosher sex is where a man and woman share a most intense experience and thereby feel themselves to be connected after the sex is over. Movies today show people having great sex. Great sex makes you feel amazing and has you howling and swinging from the rafters together with your lover. But kosher sex is not measured during the lovemaking itself, but the morning after, when you can't get your partner off your mind:
Great sex has you screaming the deity and your mother's name during the act. Kosher sex has you remembering your lover's name after the act.
Great sex has you focused entirely on the body of your partner. Kosher sex has you bound with the soul of your lover.
Great sex promotes physical exhilaration. Kosher sex leads to spiritual integration.
Great sex highlights the contours of the body. Kosher sex raises the personality up from the confines of the flesh.
Great sex satisfies a hormonal urge for sexual release. Kosher sex caters to a spiritual need for human transcendence and fusion with another soul.
Great sex consists entirely of motions. Kosher sex consists of motions that elicit lasting emotions.
Great sex is undertaken by two separate bodies, kosher sex by two halves of the same soul.
Great sex is making friction. Kosher sex is making love.
Great sex is a premeditated and calculated performance. Kosher sex is the total submission to instinct, freeing the individual of all inhibition.
Great sex is about the interaction of two bodies, kosher sex the integration of two souls.
Great sex leaves no trace. Kosher sex leaves no separation or space.
Great sex is measured while you're in bed together with your partner. Kosher sex is measured in the period thereafter, when you are physically apart but emotionally close.
Great sex can often have a man trying to remember the name of his partner from the night before. Kosher sex has a man asking the woman he loves to take his last name forevermore.
Great sex needs many new partners to sustain its passion. Kosher sex unearths deeper layers of the same partner, leading to replenishment and renewal.
After great sex, we promptly fall asleep. After kosher sex, we fall into each other's arms.
Great sex can be had even while all one's barriers and inhibitions are still up. Kosher sex is humans at their most vulnerable, when their defenses are down and their heart exposed.
Great sex is a performance, while kosher sex is an event.
Great sex is a form of sensual gratification. Kosher sex is the ultimate form of knowledge.
Great sex is a delight of the body. Kosher sex is a delight of the soul.
Great sex is an end to an encounter, while kosher sex is the beginning of a relationship.
Kosher sex is the solution to the modern dilemma of sex. As great as the desire for sex may be, the desire for intimacy is still greater. Kosher sex is the kind of sex that caters to this need, because kosher sex leads to intimacy. Kosher sex is passion born of romance. Kosher sex is strong and intense motions that elicit lasting and unfailing emotions. It provides what the Bible proclaims: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and leave his mother, he shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
|Foreword: Kosher Sex: The Soul of Marriage||1|
|Part 1||The Sex File|
|1||Lust and Commitment||17|
|2||Sex and Doing What's Expected||25|
|3||The Real Power of Sex||31|
|4||The Myth of Compatibility||39|
|5||Sex and Traditional Thought||45|
|6||Love, Lust, and Intimacy||51|
|Part 2||Sexual Techniques: The Mechanics of Sex|
|1||Can Men and Women Really Enjoy Sex Together?||59|
|2||Is There a Kosher Kama Sutra?||67|
|3||Your Spouse: A Friend or a Lover?||73|
|4||Is Oral Sex Wrong?||79|
|5||Married People and Masturbation||85|
|6||Should Sex Be Used to Mend Bridges?||91|
|7||Sex, When to Refuse It||99|
|8||Does Size Matter?||105|
|9||What About Pornography?||113|
|10||Lights, On or Off||121|
|11||Is Prostitution a Safe Option?||127|
|13||Orthodox Sex, a Hole in a Sheet?||139|
|Part 3||Sex for Single People|
|1||Do Single People Have More Fun?||145|
|2||Is Marriage a Mere Symbol?||151|
|3||Career or Marriage?||159|
|4||Holding Out for the Best||165|
|5||Choosing a Spouse||173|
|6||What If You Drive Each Other Crazy?||181|
|7||Why Should We Marry at All?||189|
|8||Marriage, a Relationship Based on Fragility||195|
|9||Why Parental Love Ceases to Be Sufficient||201|
|Part 4||Marriage and Divorce|
|1||Is Divorce Ever a Good Thing?||209|
|2||Your Spouse's Impossible Flaws||215|
|3||Adultery, Such Fun?||219|
|4||Becoming Desirable Again||227|
|6||Children, Yes or No?||237|
|7||Do the Children Come First?||241|
|Part 5||Kosher Sex: A Recipe|
|5||Friends and Family||267|
|The Final Word|
|Climbing the Mountain||275|
|Checklist for Marriage||279|
|Kosher Sex in a Nutshell||282|
Posted August 1, 2004