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Overview
Lea DeLaria has been breaking rules all her life. Now she offers some of her own....
Cross Howard Stern with Sandra Bernhardt, add a one-two punch, and you have stand-up comic Lea DeLaria, who plays to rave reviews on and off the Broadway stage. Now, in this uproarious collection of essays, DeLaria shares her Modern Day Ten Commandments and X-Rated Rules for the World with anyone bold enough to read them.
From fashion advice "Never point at anything beige and call it cool"(Rule #4) to the five myths of ex-girlfriends and the facts about fake breasts, DeLaria offers straight-talking wisdom for a world desperately in need of some raunchy humor. Here Lea shares glimpses of life as a Butch so butch she's mistaken for a man—by her gynecologist. Read all about it as Lea falls hard for the girl of her dreams...reveals how Judy Garland helped her to find her first New York apartment...and gives an appreciation of sex toys that is as outrageous as it is heartfelt. From her promising beginnings as a Nice Italian Catholic girl to her headlined adventures with Nice Italian Catholic girls, among others, here is Lea DeLaria, the stand-up, lay-down, in-your-face comic who tells you everything your mom never wanted you to know.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780440508540 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Random House Publishing Group |
| Publication date: | 05/02/2000 |
| Pages: | 224 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.50(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
RULE #1
While attending lesbian functions, do not stand up and announce, "I don't know what it is, girls. I just eat and eat and never gain an ounce."
Ten Commandments for the Modern Day
The [Original] Ten Commandments
1. I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have strange gods before me.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
3. Remember the Lord's day and keep it holy.
4. Honor thy father and thy mother.
5. Thou shalt not kill.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
7. Thou shalt not steal.
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.
The Ten Commandments have been around since, well...Moses. This makes the Ten Commandments archaic. As a stand-up comic I find this fact disturbing. If I used material this old I'd be working the Catskills, which would be fine with me if and only if I would have occasion to bump into Jennifer Grey.*
Why do Christians believe they can use these archaic rules? Years progress; our criteria for morality should follow suit. I'm certain the Ten Commandments had their place when our mode of dress was slightly above sheepskin loincloths and we were required to procreate through a hole in a sheet. But now we dress in cow skin and procreate in a petri dish.
These thoughts occur to me after having just seen the Virgin Mary's face appear in my morning coffee. I am fairly certain it was the Blessed Mother. But I take my coffee black. It could have been Nipsey Russell.
I, Lea DeLaria, nice Italian Catholicgirl, have been chosen to redraft the Ten Commandments to function in our Cyber Fuck world. You can rest assured that the Modern-Day Ten Commandments to follow are clear and concise, and come complete with "Loose Translations." These translations will serve as descriptive explanatory notes, alleviating all confusion as to their meaning.
LOOSE TRANSLATION: You can't fuck them up.
If you do not follow these Modern-Day Ten Commandments, you will burn in hell...sorry, the BVM just scolded me. Mary says to do your best. Mary has obviously had some recent experience with a twelve-step program.
Original Commandment Number One
I Am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have strange gods before Me.
This commandment is clearly in need of modification. Right-wing Christians have conjured up the oddest gods the world has ever known. Pat Robertson's god rained fires on half of Florida because, according to Pat, God was showing dissatisfaction over a single Florida city allowing the unfurling of Gay Pride flags. Pat's god is not only off, Pat's god is suffering from P.M.S.
In the spirit of true Christianity, Original Commandment Number One will be replaced.
Modern-Day Commandment Number One
Remember, keep thy Lord to thyself!
In the spirit of Original Commandment Number One, you get to keep right on believing in your Lord or God or higher power or lavender spirit. However, due to the highly manipulated end-product of the Christian right, you are no longer allowed to spew about it on national television or anywhere else where someone who might disagree with you could possibly hear. Including the subway, the mall, any gay-rights anything, the sidewalk, and most especially the corner of Forty-ninth Street and Broadway at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday afternoon, when every queer dancer on Broadway, meaning every dancer on Broadway, is just trying to get over their Saturday night hangover enough to get through the matinee.
I was one such queer passing by this insufferable White Christian Creep screaming scripture as his black...well...slave (!?!) handed out Creepy Christian Crap. At the high point of Paul chapter one verse eleven the White Christian Creep was overcome by his rapture. He was only able to express himself by screaming, "God. God. God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh my God. God. God." I listened for a bit and remarked, "It's funny, sir, but you sound just like the girl I was banging not five hours ago."
Some of you might have First Amendment concerns over my Modern-Day Commandment Number One. Mary and I would like to respond. Too fucking bad. Call the ACLU. They would be pleased as punch to bring a lawsuit on your behalf. You're going to have a tough time finding a defendant. I'm just the messenger, and the Virgin Mary just disappeared from my cup on her way to who knows where. You might find out by dialing 1-900-ASK-MARY.**
Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount, "Beware the man who makes a show of his religion. He does it for himself and not for God."
LOOSE TRANSLATION: Don't go on The 700 Club and guilt-trip widows into signing over their Social Security checks, which you'll use to hold a prayer meeting in Palm Springs with your big-titted, Jersey-haired secretary/personal assistant.
If you are going to use the Bible then use all of it. It is henceforth verboten to quote only the sections of Leviticus that further your pea-brained agenda. Don't tell me not to have a mouth full of woman when you've got a mouth full of pulled pork.
And another thing. You are no longer allowed to mix politics with religion. We've let you go on this for a long time, and they are still fighting in the Middle East.
Jesus had charisma. No one had more charisma than Jesus. If Jesus didn't run for office then neither should Oral Roberts or Jesse Jackson or L. Ron Hubbard, whose Scientology preaches that we humans have not accessed our entire brains. If we had, we would know that each and every one of us carries implanted in our gray matter a particle of an alien race, the thetans. The thetans, L. Ron believed and taught, colonized Earth but were destroyed by a volcano, which scattered their ashes. Here's the tricky part: The scattered ashes became a part of our planet's mud, the mud from which we evolved.
Mr. Hubbard, exactly how much of your brain did you access to come up with that tax deduction?
*Jennifer Grey, where are you? What has happened to you? Why oh why are you reduced to working on that trash show? It's Like, You Know? If you need the money that badly, I have the perfect job in mind for you. It pays very well and I provide the schoolgirl uniform.
**Doesn't 1-900-ASK-MARY sound like an advice column for fags?