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Life Before Life
How Soul Agreements Direct Our Destiny
By Carolyn Gervais
The Keys PressCopyright © 2016 Carolyn Gervais
All rights reserved.
LEFT WITHOUT A CLUE
There are experiences that we just can't forget because they have had such an impact on us and our lives, no matter what our age or where they took place.
I remember certain experiences as far back as a year old. One such memory takes me back to a place in Michigan; my maternal grandmother's big front yard. The yard was mostly dark grey sand with a scatter of big trees. All six of my mother's brothers and sisters were there with their kids as well. The adults were sitting on chairs in a semi-circle talking all at once while they drank and ate some of each other's contribution to the family potluck; the first of many of which I would be a part while growing up.
My mother told me when I was a little girl that my twin sister and I were around fifteen months old before she let us learn to walk, in fear we would fall and "crack our heads open." That summer, I was just learning to walk and it was the first time I was introduced to my mother's Michigan family.
Aunt Alma, my mother's younger sister, was a perfect stranger to me. The next thing I knew she hoisted me up, planted my feet on the ground while holding my hands and arms above my head and urged me to walk. I wasn't very good at walking yet, especially with my arms and hands straight up on either side of my head. From past experience with adults, I was so afraid she was going to let go of my hands and I'd fall like usual, with a jolt and possible pain. Where was Mom, I wondered; had she given me away to this stranger? I began sobbing uncontrollably when finally my mom whisked me up into her arms where I knew I was safe.
Perhaps not everyone remembers emotional impressions like this from such an early age, but I did. It left an impact. I am grateful for this memory so I can explain how unaware people are, as to how small children see the world when adults impose their ways of thinking upon them. To me this was an early trauma that I remember and can connect to other traumatic memories. Perhaps this is a blessing, but there are times I have my doubts.
Somewhere between two and four years old, looking out at all the people and material objects that made up my physical world — I couldn't figure out how or why I came to be here. It greatly confused me. It was as if I had just blinked, and suddenly I was aware of being in a body and unfamiliar with what I saw around me.
My Real Home
As that little girl, I remembered a place I knew of as my real home. My real home was where I was before I realized I was here in this body called Carolyn. In contrast, my real home consisted of what felt like pure consciousness in the form of peace, understanding and unconditional love. Of course I didn't have conscious words then to describe or to express what I felt and knew inside. I can only say that I was in communication with a knowing, maybe my soul, to which I listened, naturally and automatically. There was no such thing as fear, chaos or aloneness in that realm of existence, and I so wanted to go back to it. Thinking that I could go back to what I knew was home, I told, what I can only describe as the consciousness of all life, that I wanted to go home, but when I asked, nothing happened.
As I look back at that moment, I felt I was only partly here in this body. Another part of me was hovering around my body waiting, but for what I did not know. Feeling very confused as to why I wasn't returning home — I decided that I would just watch and listen to everything going on around me until I found my way back.
Nothing I saw seemed to make much sense or have meaning. It felt like I had been dropped off in this realm and accidently left behind. It is perhaps what it must feel like to a person who is born blind and suddenly through a surgical procedure is given sight. I was awakening inside this world of unfamiliar images and sensations that I could not understand.
The only people here that I was familiar with were my mother, who took care of my body's needs and protected me, and my identical twin sister, with whom I felt comfortable because I sensed she was somehow a part of me. Our love for each other at the time, gave us the security of knowing we were never totally alone. Without the part these two people played in my life at that early age, I would have had no reason to stay here. They helped anchor me to the Earth.
I was not familiar with the man that I came to know as my father; I only knew I didn't feel comfortable around him but I didn't really understand why. Then there was my older sister whom I knew nothing, including what purpose she would come to serve in my life. My grandparents might as well have been complete strangers.
The Veil Disappears
One day, when I was five years old, I was standing in my grandparent's living room, looking around, when suddenly what seemed like a veil of thin white gauze disappeared from my eyes. Until that point I did not know I had been looking through that white haze. When it was gone, my eyesight became crystal clear. For the first time, my mind was able to comprehend what some of the relationships meant in my earthly surroundings. For instance: I realized how and why my grandparents were my grandparents; why they loved me and what that meant on a human relationship level. They were my dad's parents. I now also loved and knew my older sister and the scary stories she'd tell my twin and me. I knew my dad too and why I was afraid of him. It was his anger.
After the white gauzy haze was gone, life seemed different. I understand now, that was when I was becoming more integrated into the dream of life as a participant and no longer just as an observer.
As I got older and entered school, life for me became extremely complicated, confusing and scary. I couldn't imagine ever comprehending what all the adults around me appeared to know about the world. In fact it boggled my mind as to how much they knew about everything. That's why in that child mind I believed adults had the answer to anything I could ever ask. At around the age of eight I was surprised and disappointed to find out differently.
Grandpa's Porch and the Full Moon
On a warm pleasant night, my twin sister and I were sitting outside on Grandma and Grandpa's front porch with them, looking up at the stars and the full moon. It wasn't long before my twin and I were crawling up on Grandpa's roomy lap as he sat in the big, old, red metal porch chair, like he always did on those special nights. We would lay our heads back on Grandpa's shoulders so we could more easily look up at the night sky. My sister and I loved being with our grandparents and they loved being with us.
It was another one of those beautiful and magical nights, which always seemed to bring up the deeper questions inside of me about life, God and creation.
My grandpa had barely a fifth grade education because he was orphaned by the death of his parents when he was only about ten. Apparently there were no orphanages in West Virginia where he was from at the turn of the twentieth century. All grandpa could do as that ten-year-old boy, was to walk from farm to farm until he found a farmer who would give him a room and food for work, until he was old enough to fend for himself.
Though Grandpa loved to sing hymns, he always told us there wasn't any such thing as God. "When you're dead you're dead," he'd tell my sister and me. But we always knew intuitively Grandpa really believed in God; he just had a lot of sad things happen to him and wanted God to know he wasn't too happy about it.
Knowing that about Grandpa was a matter of fact to my sister and me, so I asked my Grandpa without any hesitation that night, "Why did God make us and put us here on Earth Grandpa?" Grandpa had to pause a little before answering that question.
"Oh honey, I don't know the answer to that, only God knows. Besides, that's just one of those questions God does not want us to know the answer to."
"You mean there's more than one question He won't answer? Why wouldn't God want us to know the answers?" I was in shock as to what Gramps had just told me. I blurted out, "I thought once you become a grownup you know all the answers to everything. You mean you don't?" I felt my heart sinking in despair.
"Different grownups know different things honey, but no one knows everything, not even adults."
"So you mean no grownup knows the answer to my question Grandpa?" I was really upset at that point to where my heart was pounding.
"No honey, no grownup has the answer to that question because we aren't supposed to know things like that," he sadly informed me.
I lost something that night and I don't know whether it was faith, respect, trust or dependency. It was most likely a little of all of them. My view of life, adults and God were definitely changed in that moment, making my world overwhelmingly big and scary. I suddenly felt more vulnerable and unsafe than I had before. Silently I asked myself, that if God didn't want us to have answers to big questions, and if adults didn't know the answers to my important questions, how was I going to get them answered, so I could understand about life and find my way back to my real home.
As a child in elementary school on up through age sixteen, I use to take time to lie in the grass out in my dad's big backyard, staring up at either the day, evening or night time sky — trying to figure out who and what God was and why I and other humans were created. One thing I figured out as a child was that if I didn't have the parents I had, my invisible soul would be floating somewhere high and beyond the sky looking for different parents, meaning I would look a little or a lot different than I do now.
As I grew into an adult I came to understand that there has to be parents of all sorts, somewhere in every galaxy and or realm throughout the universe and Cosmos.
We Are Aliens
It did not surprise me that as a young woman I had a very vivid dream experience of being dropped off on Earth from another planet — in the form of what I will call a humanoid female — along with a group of others in my same age group that would be considered teenagers on Earth. In this dream experience all of us male and female humanoids, had answered a call for volunteers to come to Earth.
Our humanoid parents on our home planet seemed very much like any loving parents would be on Earth. They did not want their children to go on such a dangerous mission, because most likely they would never see us again. So as not to cause chaos and emotional pain for our families — when they were doing what we on Earth would call sleeping — we humanoid teens snuck out and went to the designated secret meeting place to find out who would be chosen to go to Earth. We were all very scared but knew that what we were about to do was our destiny and mission. It was a sacrifice to leave everything familiar behind, but we felt honored that we could possibly advance the course of evolution on planet Earth.
When we reached Earth we were dropped off in the midst of some wilderness with lots of trees, brush and ground cover; in the middle of the night. Certain humans were waiting for us when one by one we were carefully lowered to the ground from our barely lit craft. All this was planned and done to make sure we were not seen, hurt or killed by humans that would not understand who we were and why we were there.
The people of Earth, who knew our drop off points, were there to make sure we were placed in the hands of those who would keep us safe.
We, the humanoids, and the people that kept us safe — knew we were there to mix our DNA with human DNA in order to evolve humankind in ways that would eventually create a mind and body kinship of understanding that could change the course of evolution everywhere.
Even though you may not have had such a dream or a recollection of coming to Earth from somewhere else, know that we all have. Each one of us has and continues to contribute to the evolution of the planet with our DNA and accelerating awareness. We are all aliens trying to find our way back Home.CHAPTER 2
THE POWER AND OPPORTUNITY OF IMPRINTING
When we are born we come in with our own individual wiring directed by the soul. That wiring determines what DNA and genes we choose from our parents and ancestors in each incarnation. By the time we are born we are wired to be imprinted by our parents in a way that will give us the experiences through which to learn and grow.
As we gradually grow into adults, we are heavily impacted by our parent's programing. This kind of imprinting influences our personality and behavior throughout our lives.
Therefore, both our wiring and our imprinting tend to attract certain experiences that have the potential of teaching us about ourselves and the Creative Force that imbued us with life.
How we are wired has to do with our Soul, soul agreements and psyche, according to all of our experiences from the instant we were created. The wiring of our psyche will resemble our parents' in some way, or in a lot of ways, depending on our individual Soul Plan. The Soul Plan will be different for each sibling, even with identical twins.
Our own wiring before birth and the imprinting we receive from our parents, while in the womb and after birth, all mix together to manifest our first tenuous views of life.
The many aspects of ourselves help us to better understand what makes us who we are and who we are not, giving us more pieces of what is real and what is not real inside the borders of what we know as physical manifestation. Other incarnations, pre-wiring, our own imprinting and the imprinting from our family — work together to form our unique psyche, which brings to light how different we each can be, even when it comes to identical siblings.
We Started Out the Same
My sister Colleen and I are identical twins but we couldn't have become more different. Our mother gave birth to us at seven and a half months' gestation. My sister Colleen was born twenty minutes after me. We have always kidded and yet still believe that she pushed me out first, just to make sure I didn't back out from being born. Weighing only three pounds, we were put into incubators.
The medical people caring for us in the hospital told our parents that I might not live because I wouldn't eat or cry. My sister did eat and cry so after six weeks in the incubator she went home. I must have really missed her, because soon I began to eat and cry like a baby should. My parents took me home after eight weeks in the incubator. I guess I decided to give this life a shot even though I knew it was going to be a bumpy ride.
Unless you are an identical twin it is difficult to understand how powerful the heart bond is between identical siblings. This bond can feel as loving, safe and close as two human beings can be. When and if that bond changes into something that is opposite of safe and loving for one or both twins — it is almost impossible for anyone to comprehend the insurmountable emotional pain, anguish and hopelessness that is endured when that heart bond is ripped apart.
Our Bond is Tested
Even when we are far apart and/or not speaking, I love Colleen so much that I wouldn't ever want to experience being without her on this Earth. After all, Colleen and I were each other's only playmate, friend and confidant, until we began school at age six. That is when everything changed for us. For the first tim e we were separated; put into different classrooms. It was devastating for me especially. Even though I was only twenty minutes older, which usually means being the more outgoing twin — I was actually the shyer and the more introverted one until we became young adults.
In my child mind, I had been betrayed and abandoned by my twin sister and my parents. We went from always being home and playing together, to separate class rooms and classmates. I felt totally alone, surrounded by strangers, in my first grade class. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I was being punished for something I didn't know I had done. Every day in class I cried, until I could somehow force myself to stop, once I noticed kids staring and making fun of me. Although it was only first grade I was completely overwhelmed with all that I was expected to learn and know.
As children my parents did not introduce us to numbers or letters before we started school. To top it off we were not even familiar with basic fairytales. Kids in class were way ahead of Colleen and me. I feared being punished and embarrassed by not being able to do something other kids could do.
Excerpted from Life Before Life by Carolyn Gervais. Copyright © 2016 Carolyn Gervais. Excerpted by permission of The Keys Press.
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