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LIFE LESSONS FROM ELVISA PARODY
By ANTHONY RUBINO JR.
RUTLEDGE HILL PRESSCopyright © 2007 Anthony Rubino Jr.
All right reserved.
Chapter OneNever wear a belt buckle that's bigger than your head.
Ya gotta count yer blessings. For example, I'm thankful people call me "Elvis the Pelvis." My name coulda been Rick, man.
No use cryin' over spilt milk. Unless you just ate four peanut butter sandwiches and a whole fried chicken. Then I can't think of a better reason to cry.
If you wind up in jail as prisoner number 33, and number 47 tells you that you're the cutest jailbird he ever did see, you're in big trouble there, man.
If you're looking for a commemorative quilt or some sort of hokey wood-carving souvenir, don't expect to find it at Graceland. That's so Dollywood.
The best advice I ever got was when I was nineteen and my boss at Precision Tools in Memphis told me to "shake a leg." Now, it never did me no good as a delivery truck driver, but it worked out just fine for my other career.
Wear your life like a loose set of clothes. Wear your clothes like a sausage casing.
It's a small world. Just look at that "six degrees of Kevin Bacon" thing. Priscilla is Lisa Marie's mom. She was in Naked Gun with Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Nielsen was in the movie Airplane. I had an airplane named Lisa Marie. And I love bacon. See what I mean? Small world ...
People are people. Shoot! When you get right down to it, I'm just like you-really. I put on my jumpsuit one leg at a time and then one arm at a time, just like everybody else.
Durable. Stain resistant and wrinkle free. I tell ya what, man, I don't care if it does burst into flames every now and again. That's a small price to pay for the miracle that is polyester.
There's a fine line between garbage and artifact.
Surround yourself with a diverse staff. I had a person who'd take my car to be washed ... a person who'd take messages for me ... a person who'd take dictation for me ... and a person who'd take a bullet for me.
Once and for all, don't believe it when people say they saw me out at some bowling alley. I mean that's just ridiculous, man! I don't bowl.
Excerpted from LIFE LESSONS FROM ELVIS by ANTHONY RUBINO JR. Copyright © 2007 by Anthony Rubino Jr.. Excerpted by permission.
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