"Mom, Dad, we have to talk..."
For all the times you're confronted with a complex or painful situation with someone close to you, here's the book that tells you exactly what to say and how to say it. And it will help you navigate smoothly through what could be an extremely stressful talk.
Using the same tested formula from the bestselling Lifescripts, and organized into five sections — Parents, Siblings, Children, Spouses, and Friends — each of these 101 scripts includes a dialogue flowchart and a list of topics that touch on your attitude, timing, preparation, and behavior. Whether you're asking your parent for a loan, confronting your brother about his drinking problem, turning down a child's request, asking your spouse for a divorce or separation, discussing funeral planning with a parent, or bringing up your sibling's bad manners, this book will give you everything you need to say...and help keep the peace in the family.
Chapter One: Suggesting to a Parent That He Shouldn't Drive Anymore
strategy
No parent wants to hand over the keys to the car once and for all. To do so not only limits their mobility but serves as a not-too-gentle reminder that as they age they will have to depend more and more on others to do the things they used to be able to do for themselves. It can leave them feeling demeaned and demoralized, as if they're little kids who have just had their favorite toys taken away. So when you think it might be in a parent's best interest to stop driving, try to do so by emphasizing three things. First, you're not drawing your own conclusion about his ability to drive, you're simply asking that he consult his doctor. Second, you're not accusing him of driving poorly, you're merely observing that it may be getting more difficult to steer clear of drivers who do. And third, you're acknowledging his need to maintain his active life and reinforcing the idea that there are other ways to ensure that he'll always be able to get around town with ease.
tactics
adaptations
This lifescript can be adapted to suggest to a parent that he should no longer be preparing his own meals, or that he should consider having part-time home health care.
key points
Copyright © 2002 by Third Millennium Press, Inc., Erik Kolbell and Stephen M. Pollan
| Preface: The Secret of Lifescripts | xvii | |
| Introduction: Why Is It So Hard for Us to Talk to One Another? | xxi | |
| A Word on Gender | xxvii | |
| Part 1 | Lifescripts for talking to parents | |
| 1. | Suggesting to a Parent That He Shouldn't Drive Anymore | 3 |
| 2. | Revealing That You Have a Drinking or Drug Problem | 7 |
| 3. | Announcing Plans to Have a Child | 11 |
| 4. | Announcing a Religious Conversion | 15 |
| 5. | Revealing Your Sexuality | 21 |
| 6. | Revealing That Your Marriage Is Breaking Up | 27 |
| 7. | Confronting a Parent about His Drug Problem | 31 |
| 8. | Announcing That You Won't Be Home for the Holidays | 35 |
| 9. | Revealing an Impending Move Far Away | 39 |
| 10. | Announcing Plans Not to Have Children | 43 |
| 11. | Revealing That You've Lost Your Job | 47 |
| 12. | Revealing That You Have a Serious Illness | 51 |
| 13. | Asking a Parent for a Substantial Loan | 57 |
| 14. | Asking to Temporarily Move Back into Your Parents' Home | 61 |
| 15. | Requesting That a Parent Move Out of Your Home | 65 |
| 16. | Suggesting That a Parent Get Psychological Counseling | 71 |
| 17. | Confronting Actions That Undermine Your Parental Authority | 75 |
| 18. | Confronting a Parent's Inappropriate Treatment of Your Spouse | 81 |
| 19. | Expressing Fears about a Parent's Health | 85 |
| 20. | Bringing Up a Parent's Bad Hygiene | 91 |
| 21. | Turning Down a Parent's Request for a Loan | 95 |
| 22. | Bringing Up a Parent's Bad Manners | 99 |
| 23. | Asking about a Parent's Estate/Living Will Plans | 103 |
| 24. | Discussing funeral Planning with a Parent | 107 |
| 25. | Trying to Stop a Parent's Foolish Action | 111 |
| 26. | Announcing the Adoption of a Child | 117 |
| 27. | Asking a Parent for Child Care Help | 121 |
| Part 2 | Lifescripts for siblings | |
| 1. | Announcing That You Can't Attend a Sibling's Wedding | 127 |
| 2. | Confronting a Sibling about His Drinking or Drug Problem | 131 |
| 3. | Asking a Sibling to Drive More Safely | 137 |
| 4. | Bringing Up a Niece's or Nephew's Bad Behavior | 141 |
| 5. | Bringing Up a Brother- or Sister-in-law's Bad Behavior | 147 |
| 6. | Confronting a Sibling's Actions That Undermine Your Parental Authority | 151 |
| 7. | Confronting a Sibling's Inappropriate Treatment of Your Spouse | 155 |
| 8. | Stopping a Sibling's Comments about Your Weight | 159 |
| 9. | Bringing Up a Sibling's Bad Hygiene | 163 |
| 10. | Expressing Fears about a Sibling's Health | 167 |
| 11. | Discussing Division of a Parent's Estate with a Sibling | 171 |
| 12. | Discussing Division of a Parent's Financial Obligations with a Sibling | 175 |
| Part 3 | Lifescripts for talking to children | |
| 1. | Informing a Young Child That Your Marriage Is Ending | 181 |
| 2. | Telling a Child about a Relative's Serious Illness | 185 |
| 3. | Telling a Child about a Relative's Death | 189 |
| 4. | Telling a Child about Her Own Serious Illness | 195 |
| 5. | Discussing Potentially Damaging Relationships | 199 |
| 6. | Discussing a Child's Trouble with Schoolwork | 205 |
| 7. | Talking to a Child about Birth Control | 211 |
| 8. | Discussing a Child's Inappropriate Clothing or Appearance | 215 |
| 9. | Asking a Child about Potential Shoplifting | 219 |
| 10. | Criticizing One Child's Treatment of Another | 223 |
| 11. | Telling a Child to Clean Up Her Room | 227 |
| 12. | Telling a Child He Is Grounded | 231 |
| 13. | Turning Down a Child's Request | 235 |
| 14. | Criticizing a Child's Work on Chores | 239 |
| 15. | Bringing Up a Child's Bad Hygiene | 243 |
| 16. | Bringing Up a Child's Bad Manners | 247 |
| 17. | Talking with Your Child about Sex | 251 |
| 18. | Trying to Stop a Child's Foolish Action | 255 |
| 19. | Talking with Your Child about Drugs | 261 |
| Part 4 | Lifescripts for talking to adult children | |
| 1. | Requesting That an Adult Child Move out of Your House | 269 |
| 2. | Questioning an Adult Child's Pending Second Marriage | 273 |
| 3. | Turning Down an Adult Child's Request for Child Care Help | 277 |
| 4. | Criticizing an Adult Child's Driving | 281 |
| 5. | Turning Down an Adult Child's Request for a Loan | 285 |
| 6. | Confronting a (Young Adult) Child about His Drinking or Drug Problem | 289 |
| Part 5 | Lifescripts for spouses | |
| 1. | Telling Your Spouse You've Just Lost Your Job | 295 |
| 2. | Suggesting That a Spouse Get Psychological Counseling | 299 |
| 3. | Criticizing a Spouse's Spending Habits | 303 |
| 4. | Bringing Up a Pet Peeve with a Spouse | 307 |
| 5. | Bringing Up a Spouse's Weight Problem | 311 |
| 6. | Ending a Spouse's Chronic Lateness | 315 |
| 7. | Asking for More Input from a Spouse on Decision Making | 319 |
| 8. | Debating Interfamily Loans with a Spouse | 323 |
| 9. | Debating In-Law Care with a Spouse | 327 |
| 10. | Debating Relocation with a Spouse | 331 |
| 11. | Asking a Spouse for a More Active Social Life | 335 |
| 12. | Asking a Spouse for More Romantic Behavior | 339 |
| 13. | Discussing a Spouse's Workaholism | 343 |
| 14. | Discussing Potential Parenthood with a Spouse | 347 |
| 15. | Debating Household Chores with a Spouse | 351 |
| 16. | Asking for a Divorce | 355 |
| 17. | Asking for a Prenuptial Agreement | 359 |
| 18. | Criticizing a Spouse's Child Care | 363 |
| 19. | Confronting Actions That Undermine Your Parental Authority | 367 |
| 20. | Confronting Inappropriate Treatment of Parents | 371 |
| 21. | Bringing Up a Spouse's Bad Hygiene | 375 |
| 22. | Bringing Up a Spouse's Bad Manners | 379 |
| 23. | Expressing Fears about a Spouse's Health | 383 |
| Part 6 | Life scripts for friends | |
| 1. | Explaining That You Don't Like Unplanned Visits | 389 |
| 2. | Turning Down a Friend's Request to Be in Your Bridal Party | 393 |
| 3. | Telling a Friend He Can't Bring His Child with Him to a Party | 397 |
| 4. | Asking a Friend to Repay an Outstanding Loan | 401 |
| 5. | Asking a Friend for a Substantial Loan | 405 |
| 6. | Suggesting That a Friend Get Psychological Counseling | 409 |
| 7. | Asking a Friend to Drive More Safely | 413 |
| 8. | Deflecting a Friend's Inappropriate Personal Questions | 417 |
| 9. | Deflecting a Friend's Inappropriate Personal Conversations | 421 |
| 10. | Confronting a Friend's Inappropriate Treatment of His Spouse | 425 |
| 11. | Bringing Up a Friend's Bad Hygiene | 429 |
| 12. | Bringing Up a Friend's Inappropriate Attire | 433 |
| 13. | Trying to Stop a Friend's Foolish Action | 437 |
| 14. | Turning Down a Friend's Request for a Loan | 441 |
strategy
No parent wants to hand over the keys to the car once and for all. To do so not only limits their mobility but serves as a not-too-gentle reminder that as they age they will have to depend more and more on others to do the things they used to be able to do for themselves. It can leave them feeling demeaned and demoralized, as if they're little kids who have just had their favorite toys taken away. So when you think it might be in a parent's best interest to stop driving, try to do so by emphasizing three things. First, you're not drawing your own conclusion about his ability to drive, you're simply asking that he consult his doctor. Second, you're not accusing him of driving poorly, you're merely observing that it may be getting more difficult to steer clear of drivers who do. And third, you're acknowledging his need to maintain his active life and reinforcing the idea that there are other ways to ensure that he'll always be able to get around town with ease.
tactics
adaptations
This lifescript can be adapted to suggest to a parent that he should no longer be preparing his own meals, or that he should consider having part-time home health care.
key points
Copyright © 2002 by Third Millennium Press, Inc., Erik Kolbell and Stephen M. Pollan
Overview
"Mom, Dad, we have to talk..."
For all the times you're confronted with a complex or painful situation with someone close to you, here's the book that tells you exactly what to say and how to say it. And it will help you navigate smoothly through what could be an extremely stressful talk.
Using the same tested formula from the bestselling Lifescripts, and organized into five sections — Parents, Siblings, Children, Spouses, and Friends — each ...