Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment

Overview

Betrayal has many faces, including anger, abuse, deceit, and infidelity. These feel like betrayal because they violate the implicit promise of emotional bonds, that your loved one will care about your wellbeing and never intentionally hurt you. If you've recently left a relationship where you felt betrayed by your partner—or if you want to repair one—it can seem impossible to view the world without the shadow of past betrayal hovering over you. As a result, you may struggle to create meaning in your life, find ...

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Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment

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Overview

Betrayal has many faces, including anger, abuse, deceit, and infidelity. These feel like betrayal because they violate the implicit promise of emotional bonds, that your loved one will care about your wellbeing and never intentionally hurt you. If you've recently left a relationship where you felt betrayed by your partner—or if you want to repair one—it can seem impossible to view the world without the shadow of past betrayal hovering over you. As a result, you may struggle to create meaning in your life, find the strength to forgive, or build new, loving relationships.

In Living and Loving after Betrayal, therapist and relationship expert Steven Stosny offers effective tools for healing, based on his highly successful CompassionPower program. He founded the CompassionPower agency on the belief that we are more powerful when compassionate than when angry or aggressive, and that true strength comes from relating compassionately to others and remaining true to your deeper values. In this book, you’ll learn practical strategies for overcoming betrayal-induced trauma and the chronic resentment and depression that result, using this innovative compassion-empowerment approach.

Most books on betrayal only focus on the obvious issues, such as infidelity, abuse, or sex addiction. This book explores the effects of those kinds of betrayal, as well as less-talked-about types, such as emotional manipulation, dishonesty, deceit, and financial cheating. In addition, the book helps you regain a sense of trust in others so that you can eventually find another compassionate person to share your life with or, if you choose, to rebuild a relationship with your reformed betrayer.

Recovering from the betrayal of partner isn’t easy, but Living and Loving after Betrayal offers potent ways to heal, grow, and love again.

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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
"Living and Loving after Betrayal offers a strong rope out of the quicksand of misery and despair that couples sink into after a betrayal. Stosny’s guide to healing the heartache of betrayal is the most helpful I have seen in twenty-five years of clinical practice."
Ronald J. Coughlin, EdD, licensed psychologist with twenty-five years in full-time private practice

"Since a pain-free life isn’t possible, we need to understand and follow the wisdom provided in Living and Loving after Betrayal. Stosny, one of today’s most highly respected relationship experts, understands how to grow and have a more satisfying life after being deeply hurt by others. This is a deceptively simple tool kit for effectively handling the full range of relationship disappointments and heartaches."
Jon Carlson, PsyD, EdD, distinguished professor in the Division of Psychology & Counseling, Governors State University

"This is a remarkably wise and compassionate guide to healing from intimate betrayal. It will help you recover the best of yourself rather than remain stuck in anger or anxiety. I will ask my clients to read this book and I will give it to loved ones who are on a healing journey."
William J. Doherty, PhD, professor and director of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project at the University of Minnesota, and author of Take Back Your Marriage.

"Stosny has broken new ground for individuals moving forward from any type of betrayal or violation of the intimate bonds of relationships. He takes the reader beyond hurt, even beyond healing, into the area of personal mastery by way of compassion. This book is a must read for anyone who has felt the pain and disappointment of a once-trusted relationship."
Pat Love, EdD, coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It and Never Be Lonely Again

"This excellent book addresses an often-overlooked aspect of healing from betrayal, and that is self-healing. When people get hurt, their attention usually turns to the perpetrator of the hurt—one’s partner. But part of the real work that needs to be done is on one's self.

"If you have felt the devastating effects of betrayal, this must-read book will help restore your inner resilience and faith in yourself so you can get through the difficult periods and thrive beyond them. Stosny's workbook-like exercises help you apply what you're learning to your own unique situation. You'll feel like you have a personal coach guiding you to better times!"
Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage

“In this manual, [Stosny] offers a pathway to recovery based on maxims similar to those found in books such as Norman Vincent Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking. … The book takes readers beyond verbal affirmations to taking actions that provide a meaningful basis for moving ahead with the healing process. …”
Kirkus Reviews

Kirkus Reviews
Psychological exercises to help individuals recover from abusive relationships. Stosny (Love Without Hurt, 2008, etc.) is a consultant on anger management and family violence who conducts workshops worldwide. In this manual, he offers a pathway to recovery based on maxims similar to those found in books such as Norman Vincent Peale's The Power of Positive Thinking. Stosny cautions that being angry has "potent analgesic and amphetamine components that temporarily numb pain and provide a surge of energy to overcome perceived threat," which can be addictive. Instead of being reactive, the author counsels allowing "ourselves to be guided by deeper values more than temporary feelings." All of the exercises are to be done in writing. The first counterpoises a negative, self-critical attitude, such as "I'm gullible, a fool, too trusting," with the affirmation, "I'm resilient, resourceful, human, sensitive." A follow-up, five-step exercise elaborates core values and concludes with a spiritual testament. Another exercise includes comparing specifics: "What my partner did: My partner was mean to our pets. What I do: Today I was kind to our pets," and so on. The second section of the book takes readers beyond verbal affirmations to taking actions that provide a meaningful basis for moving ahead with the healing process, such as treating a family member to dinner, bringing a pet to the vet or visiting an art gallery. Stosny also offers tips on how to use the lists to evaluate a potential lover (e.g., how that person discusses former relationships that didn't work out). In a valuable final section about the possibility of repairing a relationship after betrayal, the author gives a hypothetical example of a couple that profited from his anger management boot camp. May help sufferers gain insight and move along with life, if they're not put off by the cloying tone and conventional wisdom.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781608827527
  • Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
  • Publication date: 9/1/2013
  • Pages: 248
  • Sales rank: 195,750
  • Product dimensions: 6.00 (w) x 8.90 (h) x 0.70 (d)

Meet the Author

Steven Stosny, PhD, is founder of CompassionPower, a successful anger-regulation program that he has directed for more than twenty years. In addition, he has treated more than six thousand people through his organization. He has appeared on many major media programs, including several appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He is author of Love without Hurt and You Don't Have to Take It Anymore, and coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking about It. He has taught at the University of Maryland and at St. Mary's College of Maryland, and he currently has a blog on www.psychologytoday.com.

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