Losing a Parent: Passage to a New Way of Living

by
Alexandra Kennedy

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Overview

Kennedy shares her own story of facing the loss of a parent and offers innovative strategies for healing and transformation.

Most people will have to deal with the death of a parent; few are prepared to. Addressing this incomparable loss, Kennedy shares her own compelling story and offers innovative strategies for healing and transformation.

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Overview

Kennedy shares her own story of facing the loss of a parent and offers innovative strategies for healing and transformation.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780062504982
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 6/28/1991
Edition description: 1st ed
Edition number: 1
Pages: 160
Sales rank: 392,185
Product dimensions: 6.12 (w) x 9.25 (h) x 0.40 (d)

Meet the Author

Alexandra Kennedy, M.A. (LMFCC), whose father died of cancer in 1998, is a psychotherapist, lecturer, and workshop leader. She maintains a private practice in Santa Cruz, California.

Read an Excerpt

A Journey Through Grief

The death of a parent is one of the most significant events of our lives. Whether your parent is dying, or has died recently or many years ago, you may be struggling to go on with your life while knowing deep down that something momentous has happened. You may feel buffeted by unbearably intense feelings -- anger, sadness, loneliness, despondency, even joy. You may feel numb, curiously unaffected by the death of your parent. Chances are that you have tried hard to put this event behind you too quickly, without tapping its transformative and healing potential.

Or you may feel a need to begin preparing for the loss of your parents, even when they are healthy. You may have been watching your parents grow old for some time, their bodies slowly or rapidly disintegrating, a glaring reminder of their mortality. Too often we avoid even thinking about the death of our parents, leaving the dread to fester inside. If we do not die first, someday we will be forced to confront their deaths and we may not be prepared. It is liberating to confront our denial and accept that our parents will die -- perhaps within the next few years or even months. Then we can see the wisdom of learning effective strategies for grieving now. Then we realize that we need to tend to the unfinished business with our parents now, to say to them what we have held back -- before it is too late.

As you hold this book, you may feel resistance welling up and think, "I don't have time . . . this would be too overwhelming . . . if I let myself grieve, my life would fall apart . . . something like this would interfere with my other commitments . . . I'm not feeling anything now, so why not leave well enough alone . . . time will take care of everything." This resistance is natural; you are bound to feel it in the face of such powerful forces. Many clients and participants at workshops have expressed their fear that they will be overwhelmed by their grief and left unable to cope in other areas of their lives. Some were concerned that once they started crying they would not be able to stop. Some feared they would go crazy. These same people were relieved to discover the benefits of devoting short periods of time to grieving every day, finding a rhythm of grieving and attending to daily tasks. This approach provides an opportunity to explore the many dimensions of grief without having to abandon your daily responsibilities and commitments.

Even in the face of your resistance, deep down you probably recognize that the loss of your parent has made an indelible mark on your life. This event has changed you; you will never be the same.

The death of a parent is a shattering experience, wounding us and flooding us with powerful forces. The boundaries of our world are torn away, and suddenly life seems bigger than we might ever have imagined, terrifyingly bigger. A parent's death can shatter us, leaving lifetime scars, or it can shatter our limited sense of ourselves, opening up our world into new dimensions. For the latter to happen we must be willing to take a journey through our grief, following what may often seem like a long, dark passage that will, in its own time, open out into vast new worlds.

In the following pages I have shared the struggles, frustrations, woundings, healings, and discoveries of my own journey through grief. Many parts of my story will resonate with your own experience; other parts may seem foreign. At times you may feel inspired or comforted, at other times disturbed or shocked. My story is not intended to be a typical one but is offered as an illustration of the potential for healing and transformation inherent in grief.

After each chapter of my story, you will find exercises and suggestions that can help you explore the healing possibilities through your own passage and prepare you for the momentous discoveries that await you as you emerge into a greater life on the other side.

There is a progression to the exercises, so you may want to familiarize yourself with one section before moving on to the next. Take your time; you may spend days or weeks on one section, exploring the exercises over and over, deepening the experience. Other sections may seem less relevant to your particular needs at this time; you can return to these later. Remember that your experience of grief is unique, even though it may have certain universal features. Feel free to improvise, change, or modify any of the exercises as you feel inspired. Don't hold on to one approach; be willing to let it go when it has served its purpose of healing. Grief is a process of letting go -- not just of a loved one but also of concepts, ways of doing things, and experiences.

This, then, is your own journey. You will be provided with a map that delineates the territory to be explored, provisions to sustain you, and basic guidelines to make the passage easier. However, the journey will be a unique experience for each of you; there is so much territory to explore, much of it uncharted. Even well-traveled trails yield new sights and perspectives through different eyes. As on any journey, some of you will hesitate to begin, others will plunge in, some will move slowly and carefully step by step, and others will rush ahead. There will be places of easy passage as well as the inevitable difficulties. Some of you will turn back after the first testings; others will choose to continue on. To all of you, however you make the journey, I wish you healing along the way -- a healing into life, and perhaps into a greater life than you ever could have imagined.

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Average Rating 3.5

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Anonymous

Posted January 5, 2011

Recommended for Adults Who Lost a Parent

I am 22 years old and lost my father recently, about 9 months ago. The loss came unexpectedly and suddenly. Since then, I have been looking for a book to help me deal and cope with loss. Unfortunately, this book was not for me. This book is great for adults, not young adults. It is also great for those whose parents have been suffering with a long-term diseased, and not really for someone whose parents have passed away unexpectedly (my dad had an aortic dissection).

I chose this book because it was referred to as another book to read in 'When Parents Die'. At first glance I thought this book was going to be helpful, but as I continued to read the book I realized that it was not really helpful, although I did find some helpful tips in this book.
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Anonymous

Posted July 13, 2007

A reviewer

A powerful personal story that offers lovely meditations and exercises to help with the deep loss of a parent. A heartfelt guide that offers the reader a way to find peace and to redefine themselves after one of the most profound changes we will all face. Thank you for your insight and healing.
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Anonymous

Posted July 27, 2007

the book I will send to friends who lose a parent,

Losing A Parent is a mystical road map with tremendous practical value. It says, 'open to the world beyond what you can see, and that world opens to you.' When I consider this book's many gifts, I am reminded of a William Blake verse, 'May God us keep / From single vision and Newton's sleep!' No single perspective--whether psychological, physical, cultural, or spiritual--has been adequate to help me make sense of the death of a loved one. I need all of them, and Losing A Parent is one of the few places I have found them all honesty represented. Alexandra Kennedy shares her spiritual experience of her father's death as openly as she addresses the clinical realities of hospitals and illness. I am grateful for the author's courage in sharing her journey because it affirmed my own experience when a parent was dying. Grappling with seemingly conflicting realities--the coldly clinical, the deeply sorrowful, the inexplicably wondrous--felt chaotic and crazy-making. It was so tempting to take refuge in the simplistic. Losing A Parent reminds me of what I would have forfeited. Alexandra Kennedy didn't let 'Newton's sleep' dull her senses and numb her soul. Chapter by chapter, she acknowledges the turmoil and plunges in. She points to a larger reality just beyond the mind's grasp. She guides the reader in finding their own entrance to that world. And she describes the healing, insight and joy that waits there. There are unseen doors worth opening. Alexandra Kennedy shows us how. I am deeply thankful that she does so.
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Anonymous

Posted March 19, 2007

Inspiring and helpful

A movingly well-written and deeply personal account of stepping through stages of coming to terms with the death of her father. Every other chapter provides specific exercises and suggestions for working with one¿s own process of grieving. The alternating chapters give a glimpse into an imaginative realm of inner journeys. As Ken Ring says in his introduction, ¿the ultimate purpose is really to make us mindful of how woefully unprepared most of us are to confront the death of a parent,¿ and to provide a wealth of techniques for addressing this central issue of healing, over a period of years. I sensed through this account that grief can be a guide, and as she says, ¿we realize how much more there is to life and that we have been living only a small and limited portion of all the possibilities inherent within this magnificent and mysterious universe.¿
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Anonymous

Posted March 18, 2007

Highly Recommended

As a psychologist, I am very picky about the self-help books I recommend to my clients. This is highly recommended because the author is clear, complete, supportive, practical, and compassionate. When someone has recently lost a parent, they are not in a position to read very much. However, their friends are and this book provides a wonderful guide to how to be supportive and understanding.
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Anonymous

Posted March 12, 2007

Personal, and a Healing Guide

A movingly well-written and deeply personal account of stepping through stages of coming to terms with the death of her father. Every other chapter provides specific exercises and suggestions for working with one¿s own process of grieving. The alternating chapters give a glimpse into an imaginative realm of inner journeys. As Ken Ring says in his introduction, ¿the ultimate purpose is really to make us mindful of how woefully unprepared most of us are to confront the death of a parent,¿ and to provide a wealth of techniques for addressing this central issue of healing, over a period of years. I sensed through this account that grief can be a guide, and as she says, ¿we realize how much more there is to life and that we have been living only a small and limited portion of all the possibilities inherent within this magnificent and mysterious universe.¿
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Anonymous

Posted November 14, 2003

Not what I expected or needed

This book is about reconnecting with a parent, after death, through shamanism and visualization. If you're into it, it might be what you need. Personally, I feel like I wasted my money, because the 'intro' doesn't mention anything about this. She delves into her own experience of how she 'reconnected' with her father, through a series of psychic travels into a mystical realm, with spirit guides. Not a practical help by any means. If you want to read it, I would suggest checking it out of the library. I will be donating my copy.
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Posted May 5, 2009

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Posted November 25, 2009

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Losing a Parent: Passage to a New Way of Living

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Overview

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Meet the Author

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Recommended for Adults Who Lost a Parent

A reviewer

the book I will send to friends who lose a parent,

Inspiring and helpful

Highly Recommended

Personal, and a Healing Guide

Not what I expected or needed