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When you touch your spouse’s deepest need, something good almost always happens!
Based on three decades of counseling and research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs leads couples through the intricacies of a marriage built on Love and Respect. He explores the differences in men and women and how a husband’s need for respect can be balanced by a wife’s need for love. When these needs are mutually recognized and made a priority, a fulfilling and...
When you touch your spouse’s deepest need, something good almost always happens!
Based on three decades of counseling and research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs leads couples through the intricacies of a marriage built on Love and Respect. He explores the differences in men and women and how a husband’s need for respect can be balanced by a wife’s need for love. When these needs are mutually recognized and made a priority, a fulfilling and meaningful marriage will be the inevitable result.
Love and Respect for a Lifetime makes the ideal gift:
THE WISDOM OF LOVE AND RESPECT
A woman needs love like she needs air to breathe. A man needs respect like he needs air to breathe.
The first question some folks ask is "Don't women need respect and men need love?" Absolutely. We all need love and respect equally. However, Ephesians 5:33 says that a husband must love his wife and a wife must respect her husband. Apparently there is a felt need in a wife for love and, in a husband, for respect. Assuming this to be true but wanting to validate it, we asked seven thousand people this question: During a conflict with your spouse, do you feel unloved or disrespected? Eighty-three percent of the men said they feel disrespected, and 72 percent of the women feel unloved.
When your spouse's spirit deflates during a conflict, your wife is feeling unloved and your husband is feeling disrespected. Not always, but frequently. When a husband chooses to do or say something loving—and that includes saying, "I am sorry for coming across in an unloving way"—he energizes his wife. When a wife decides to express herself respectfully—and that includes apologizing for her disrespectful attitude—she energizes her husband.
Oh, that couples would discover the power of love and respect!
Love and respect are like oxygen to a suffocating person, and this is one reason why God commands a husband to love and a wife to respect!
What do you want for your marriage? Do you want some peace? Do you want to feel close to each other? Do you want to feel valued by each other? Do you want to experience marriage the way God intended? Then why not try some Love and Respect? It will change the way you talk to, think about, and treat each other. It will change your marriage!
Here is the secret to marriage that every couple seeks, and yet few couples ever find ...
Unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her.
It's the secret that will help you achieve a brand-new level of intimacy.
Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
—Ephesians 5:33 NIV
You're the only person in the world who can meet your spouse's deepest need for love and respect in marriage. After all, you alone are married to your spouse!
When you touch your spouse's deepest need, something good almost always happens. The key to energizing your spouse is meeting your spouse's heartfelt desire.
The woman absolutely needs love, and the man absolutely needs respect. It's as simple—and as difficult—as that.
Respect is a man's deepest value. I have had numerous men tell me, "I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me."
These men are not saying that they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than to feel loved.
Your husband needs you to love him, but he also needs you to like him as a friend.
When you come home after you have been apart, the first few moments of reconnecting will set the tone for the rest of the evening.
When his wife shows him unconditional respect, in most cases a husband will feel like a prince and be motivated to show her the kind of unconditional love she desires. She is not a doormat or a slave. She is a princess who is loved and, by the way, respected also.
She wants him to bring flowers. He would rather fix the faucet. He needs to see that she wants flowers. She needs to see and appreciate that he wants to fix the sink.
A wife has one driving need—to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy.
A husband has one driving need—to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy.
When either of these needs isn't met, things get crazy with conflict.
AS DIFFERENT AS PINK IS FROM BLUE
Together, you and your mate reflect the image of God on earth.
I remind couples of Genesis 1:27 that "male and female He created them" and that we are as different as pink is from blue. I also remind couples that Genesis 1:27 states, "God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created them." In other words, together in marriage, a blue husband and a pink wife reflect the image of God. Interestingly, when we blend pink and blue, they form the color purple, the color of royalty, the color of God.
In other words, togethera wife and a husband reflect the royal image of God on earth. God is not pink. God is not blue. God ispurple. When two become one, they have the potential of displaying God's attributes and character.
Amazingly, many married people have been blown away by this imagery. "The first thing that revolutionized my thinking and paradigm," says one wife, "was that the issues are not so much a 'Jim and Pam' thing as a male-female thing. That realization caused me to weep. It freed me so much to know that our differences of pink and blue will become purple as Jim and I surrender and depend upon the Lord as we work through our issues."
God created man in His own image ... male and female He created them.
Women look at the world through pink sunglasses, while men look at that same world through blue sunglasses—and, believe me, they do not necessarily see the same thing!
The differences between men and women were established from the beginning. Women tend to be relationship oriented, and the family is their primary place for relationships. The deepest question you can ask a woman—a question she asks herself quite often—is "Are you loved?"
Men, however, tend to be achievement-oriented, and their "field" is the primary place for achievement. The deepest question you can ask a man—a question that he asks himself quite often—is "Are you respected?" No wonder, then, that in a marriage the wife wants her husband to be more loving, and the husband wants his wife to be more respectful.
The Lord made women (Pink) and men (Blue) with differences, and He expects us to recognize and deal with those differences in a loving and respectful way.
Why is communication between husbands and wives such a problem? It goes back to the fact that we send each other messages in "code," based on gender, even though we don't intend to. What I say is not what you hear, and what you think you heard is not what I meant at all.
Men and women both need love and both need respect. But the cry from a woman's deepest soul is to be loved and the cry from a man's deepest soul is to be respected.
Couples practicing Love and Respect learn that their communication styles are markedly different. In order to understand these differences, they need to realize that they send each other messages in code and they must learn how to decode each other.
For example, one wife wrote to share this decoding experience with us:
[My husband and I] were traveling in the car on our way to a movie. He was quiet and smiling smugly. I said, "What are you thinking?" He replied, "I was just thinking how critical you are."
My natural instinct was ... how dare him! But I thought, This is a good-willed man. Maybe he means something else. So I asked, "What does that mean, that I'm critical?" He replied, "I mean our family couldn't exist without you. You are so critical to us."
It is crucial for husband and wife to see that neither one is wrong, but that both of them are very different—in body function, outlook, and perspective.
Pink and blue perceptions not only affect seeing; they affect hearing as well. Women hear with pink hearing aids and men hear with blue hearing aids. Even more important to understand as you and your spouse seek to gain better communication, you can hear the very same words, but each of you will hear different messages.
Let's see how this plays out at home as a couple is getting dressed to start the day:
She says, "I have nothing to wear." (She means, she has nothing new.)
He says, "I have nothing to wear." (He means, he has nothing clean.)
Research and experience prove that men and women see and hear differently. Recognizing these differences and adjusting to them is absolutely necessary for reaching mutual understanding and better communication.
In one national study, four hundred men were given a choice between going through two different negative experiences. If they were forced to choose one of the following, which would they prefer to endure?
a) to be left alone and unloved in the world
b) to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone
Seventy-four percent of these men said that if they were forced to choose, they would prefer being alone and unloved in the world.
Every man does what he does for the admiration of one woman.
When a wife feels unloved, it can be such a shock to her heart that she is oblivious to her disrespectful reactions toward her husband, though any man watching could see it plainly.
When a husband feels disrespected, it can provoke him so quickly he doesn't see his unloving reaction, which would be obvious to any woman. Words of wisdom for all husbands and wives are these:
WE EASILY SEE WHATisDONE TO US BEFORE WE SEE WHAT WE ARE DOINGtoOUR MATE.
God's way of communicating in marriage is to talk with words of unconditional love and respect.
That's why the one secret to speaking your mate's language is to understand that unconditional respect is as powerful to him as unconditional love is to her.
Your spouse can have a need you don't have and that's okay.
SHE NEEDS LOVE
You don't have to give your wife ten million dollars. Just give her your love.
"Over the years," says one husband, "my wife dealt with her insecurities through behavior I described as 'controlling.' Each time she engaged in this behavior, I reacted by withdrawing physically and emotionally. For years I complained about her controlling behavior, but the light-bulb moment came when I understood that she was really just trying to connect with me and deal with her insecurities. She was seeking my love! This realization prompted a fundamental paradigm shift in my thinking."
He gets it! Using Ephesians 5:33, I explain the Crazy Cycle this way: When a wife feels unloved, she reacts in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband, and when a husband feels disrespected, he reacts in ways that feel unloving to his wife. This dynamic spins, and the relationship can get crazy!
So I point out to every husband that when he sees the spirit of his wife deflate, she is probably feeling unloved. When that happens, he needs to recognize that his wife is reacting defensively because she is feeling unloved. Unfortunately, she ends up offending him with her disrespectful words and actions. Instead of reacting in an unloving manner, he needs to decode that she is saying, "You are the only man in my life who can meet my need for love, and I need to feel your love."
A wife feels strongly that if her husband loves her in his heart, he will communicate that love.
This does not necessarily mean that a husband must shower his wife with romantic poetry daily. But she expects him to somehow, sometime tell her of his love if it is in his heart.
It is no coincidence that early on in the Bible—in describing the first marriage in human history—there is a living definition of the meaning of closeness. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24 KJV).
When Scripture speaks of"cleaving," the idea in the Hebrew is tocling, hold, or keep close. Two are joined together face to face, becoming one flesh. Your wife will feel loved when you move toward her and let her know you want to be close with a look, a touch, or a smile.
Connecting is what women look for in any relationship, and especially in marriage. Your wife will feel loved when you move toward her and let her know you want to be close with a look, a touch, or a smile.
One way to picture your marriage is with a line that has the word Involvement at one end and the word Independence at the other:
Involvement _________________________________ Independence
Typically, women will lean toward the "Involvement" side while men lean more toward the "Independence" side. But when a man moves toward his wife and shows her he wants to connect in even little ways, this motivates and energizes her.
Being close costs nothing— but your timeandlove.
The tension between involvement and independence is another illustration of the difference between pink and blue.
As a man, you will probably not be able to be as involved with your wife as much as she may like. You are a man, and your wife loves you for being a man, not a woman. She doesn't expect you to become feminine, just like her girlfriend. But when you move toward her, when you show her you want to connect in even small ways, watch what happens. This movement will motivate her. It will energize her.
Do you realize the power of just holding your wife's hand?
Your wife will feel close to you when ... you hold her hand and hug her. you spend time alone together. you suggest the unexpected ... get takeout and eat on the beach.
If a marital conflict exists, it affects a woman's entire being. When she believes there is a problem, her spirit iscrushed. That's why most wives prefer to talk about marital problems on a daily basis to keep the relationship "up-to-date." They feel that being open like this prevents any major problem from developing.
As the church places her burdens on Christ, so a woman needs to place her burdens on her husband. When she shares with you, don't assume she is asking you to solve her problem.
Ask your wife, "Do you want a solution or a listening ear?"
How can you be an understanding husband?
The most powerful weapons you have are your ears. Just listen to your wife, and she is much more likely to feel understood.
To "just listen" is usually not a husband's strong suit. He is better built to analyze, give answers, and "fix" the situation. The unaware husband doesn't readily decode the messages his wife is sending when she comes to him with her problems.
The truth is, you really don't have to fix her problem; generally all she really wants is your listening ear. As a husband, if you can grasp that you don't always have to solve your wife's problems, you will take a giant step toward showing her empathy and understanding.
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
–1 Peter 3:7
You show your wife understanding when ...
you don't try to "fix her problems" unless she specifically asks for a solution.
you try to identify her feelings.
you don't interrupt her when she's trying to tell you how she feels.
For any husband who wants fewer ongoing arguments, the path to peace is plain. He must learn to simply say, "Honey, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? I didn't mean to do that."
When a husband asks his wife to forgive him, he is giving her a gift of love.
Excerpted from Love and Respect FOR A LIFETIME by Emerson Eggerichs. Copyright © 2010 Emerson Eggerichs. Excerpted by permission of Thomas Nelson.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Posted October 4, 2010
This book is actually a gift book, which I was unsure about initally, but ended up really liking. Since it's a gift book, it's simple with just a phrase or paragraph or two on each page. It's a nice hardback book with nice, thick, glossy pages. The decorations on the pages and the colors that are used are very eye-catching, and I enjoyed looking through it.
This is not a book that I'd recommend if you're looking for an in-depth marriage advice book, but it's a nice introduction to the other Love and Respect books by this author. I think this would be a wonderful book to give a newly engaged or newly married couple, to help introduce them to a very important point in marriage- the need of the husband for respect and the need of the wife for love. This idea appears on pretty much every page, so you will definitely get the idea down after reading it! The book is divided up into six sections- introducing the idea of love and respect, discussing male and female differences, sections for showing love to wives and respect to husband, how to communicate love and respect and finally developing a love and respect that lasts.
Even though I'm not a newlywed, I still enjoyed this book. Since it's a gift book, it was a quick read, but gave me a good reminded of the incredible importance to my marriage of showing respect to my husband. I really liked the examples for easy ways that I could show respect for my husband. And I liked the suggestions for easy ways that my husband could show love to me. I'm definitely going to keep this book on my nightstand and read through it often to keep the important ideas of love and respect fresh in my mind!
Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of this book as part of the Booksneeze program. I was not compensated in any other way and all opinions posted here are mine and mine alone.
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Posted September 29, 2010
I got this book to review and was quite disappointed. I expected more strategies to overcoming turbulance often found in a marraige, or tips to help right a marriage gone wrong. Though this book does offer tips and suggestions across the colorful pages; it only really reitirates the fact that Christ needs to be first in a marriage. The pages are quite brutally labeled with the fact that women need love and men need respect. The repitition of this is obnoxiously plastered throughout the pages. I lost interest in the first chapter and had to force myself to complete the book. My suggestion is if your marriage needs work, turn to your Bible for guidance and remember to talk to your spouse, and listen just as empathetically. It's all about common sense and treating the other person how you would want to be treated...the famous Golden Rule.
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Posted February 7, 2014
I read the full version of this book a year ago and it changed my perspective on relationships completely. Now that I own a Nook I decided to buy the e-book for a "refresher" but I chose the wrong version. This one is good but the full version is much better. I'm now planning to purchase the audiobook of the full version as a gift for my daughters because I believe it will open their eyes and help them in their marriage. Emerson Eggerichs nailed it...but read the full version first. The title of the full version is "Love and Respect: The love she most deserves, the respect he desperately needs".Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted April 8, 2013
My wife and I love to read it together. It has short little ideas about each of our different facets and what motivates and helps us understand the other. Finally a book we both can use at the same time! Highly recommended!Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted July 1, 2012
Most people, not everyone love a good sample. I personally use a sample to determine if I am going to purchase a book. I believe this book could be helpful so im rating it a 3 based on my hopes for this book sadly it wasnt enough information for me to purchase.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted March 24, 2011
When I first saw this book I thought it would be a lovely addition for some light reading. The book is beautifully crafted with lovely pictures and many wonderful quotes. I know that there is a full length book by Dr. E. Eggerichs from which this little book is based off on. Prior to getting this book I had heard many positive things and even read many positive reviews on Dr. E Eggerichs' books that I was looking forward to getting my hands on this one.
Unfortunately for me, I am not married and quite frankly I can't put myself in such a situation to fully understand what marriage is all about. Although this book may be geared towards married couples I did find material that can essentially apply to relationships in general. Take for example the concept of respect, which I believe is one of the fundamentals of any healthy relationship. This book would be a lovely gift for a newly married couple or just any married couple out there.
This book was a gift from Thomas Nelson for this review, the opinions I have expressed are my own.
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Posted December 17, 2010
Love and Respect for a Lifetime by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a marriage book written to help couples understand a main difference between men and women in order to enhance their relationships with one another. The essential message of the book is that women need love and men need respect. Respect is a man's deepest need while a wife's driving need is to feel loved. When these needs are being meet the couple is happy. I found this book to be an enjoyable read. It is a quick, easy read because the chapters are shorts and the book has many qoutes and Bible verses sprinkled throughout it. Eggerichs did a good job capturing my attention and he challenged me to think and apply his words to my marriage. I would also say that Eggerich's message was rooted in Biblical truth. The little criticism I have about the book is that it is so similar to many other marriage books. There's no real new idea contributed to the field. His ideas are basically the same as what's out there only reworded a bit differently. In addition, I found this book to be very repetitive. Eggerichs basically has one central message that he is trying to get across and he just keeps repeating it over and over. Overall though I am glad I read this book as it was a light, encouraging read. I would recommend it to others.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted December 13, 2010
Although "Love and Respect for a Lifetime" is a quick, easy read, the layout is more like a daily devotional, with each page containing a quote or phrase related to love or respect. It is not necessarily something you would just read straight through. The author gives us examples of how men and women are "wired" differently, as in pink and blue. He shows us that the driving force for women is love, and women need love in order to respect, whereas men need respect in order to love. While both are important in a marriage, men and women feel them differently.
Before reading this book, I would have thought that both husbands and wives equally want and need love and respect, and I still do think they each need both. However, after reading some of the examples in this book, I got an understanding of how men and women need love and respect in different orders to have a healthy marriage. This book would be a great gift wedding or anniversary gift, as it is presented in a gift-book format with nice thick pages and a simple layout with quotes and phrases divided into sections.
Posted October 23, 2010
Dr. Eggerichs seeks to offer clarification on the importance of the Biblical obligation of wives respecting their husbands, and husbands loving their wives. Not only is it a mandate from our Lord, but men NEED respect and women NEED love. It is part of our make-up, and essential to the way God has created us. Dr. Eggerichs explains that if one spouse can understand this essential need of the other spouse, then the cycle of miscommunication and misunderstanding can often be broken.
This book is great for newlyweds, long-time marriages, and even engaged couples. It is written in a light-hearted, simple manner, which makes it easy to pick up and read again and again. I would recommend it as a general reference for Christian marriages or even as a small study group book. It also makes a nice wedding or anniversary gift.
I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission.
Posted October 20, 2010
Ever heard the saying: Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars?
We are not really from different planets. However, we are very different from each other. Women need love. Women are constantly searching for love...to feel loved...to need to be needed. We feel loved through the simple things---hand holding, an unexpected kiss or caress, spending time together.
Men need respect. Men are looking for their wives to respect them. Men want permission to be the leader in the relationship. And once they have achieved that leadership status, they want to be praised for their hard work. Men want to be able to solve the issues of a relationship.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs talks about the differences between men and women from a Biblical perspective. His latest work, Love and Respect for a Lifetime, takes a closer look at what Scripture has to say about men and women and the marriage relationship.
Scripture is clear defining the roles of marriage and family. The man is to be the head of the home, the wife the heart of the home, and the the children the hope of the home. Ephesians 5 leaves no questions. Although there are many books on the shelves claiming to help with marriages, fix marital issues, prevent marital issues, etc., the most important book to turn to is the Bible. Dr. Eggerichs does exactly that.
Posted October 14, 2010
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs wrote this gift book to show how to care for both the husband and the wife. He says "Women absolutely need love, men absolutely need respect, it's as simple and as complicated as that..."
I thoroughly enjoyed the book because it was uplifting and explanatory of how to help make a better and more enjoyable marriage: respect and love.
Disclosure: I got this book from Booksneeze which is a book review bloggers program. I wrote what I felt about the book. I am following directions on the disclosure from the Federal Trade Commission.
Posted October 1, 2010
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs states that men need respect and women need love. There are great quotes, some scripture passages and even picture in the book. There were many good illustrations that can be used in counseling or preaching. This is a book I would recommend to couples in trouble. I would even recommend this to couples who have a strong marriage as a checkup point for discussion. It is basic and very point on in it's approach and makes for a light and yet meaningful read. I received this book free from booksneeze and in return I give my opinion. It is a great book that I would recommend to all.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted September 29, 2010
It has been said that big things come in small packages and that certainly holds true for this book! In 152 short pages Emerson Eggerichs maps out this simple strategy to strengthen your marriage for a lifetime. Using passages from The Bible, Eggerichs demonstrates to readers how the keys to a successful marriage can be found in The Bible.
Men need respect and women need love. As it was set out in the Bible it is replayed in real life time and time again. Something so simple, yet many of us miss it. With a handful of tips to start us on the right path, Eggerichs opens our eyes to things we had not taken notice of before.
Casually worded with an underlying tone of strong belief in what he is saying, this author is probably getting cheers at the pearly gates. Anyone who has made use of the self help books that are so popular today, definitely needs to pick this one up at the store!
Posted September 28, 2010
I really like this book - even though it made me take an honest look at how I am relating to and speaking to my husband. No one likes to think they are being disrespectful, but through the ideas presented in the book, I was able to see the ways I can show more respect to my husband. Not through what I am saying, but how I am saying it. Through my body language and expressions - by making simple changes and being more aware or my actions, the re-action I get from him is more loving. Breaking the cycle of behavior isn't about waiting for the other person to change, but by owning it and making the changes in yourself. I think this book is one that anyone in a relationship should read - it could very well save that relationship!Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted September 24, 2010
This is a gift book designed for married couples. The author poses the thought that at the root of every marital problem is the issue of love and respect. Women have the need to always feel loved by their partner and men have the need to always feel respected by their partner. The book bases it's thought on the scripture Ephesians 5:33 "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
The book discusses different ways to address these needs while strengthening your marriage especially in the area of communication. These tips are presented in an easy to read manner, with scriptures concerning love and marriage throughout. The pictures are beautiful and fit very well within the theme of the book. The main feature of this book that I appreciated was written in a way that makes it applicable to both men and women. The author looked at this subject from both perspectives of husbands and wives, which makes it a more beneficial resource than others. I think that any married couple or anyone considering marriage would benefit from reading this book.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255: "Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising."
Posted September 23, 2010
Love and Respect For a Lifetime by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs does a great job of condensing down the two most basic needs of men (respect) and women (love). This is a gift book, not the full edition. It can easily be read in one sitting. There are beautiful quotes, scriptures and pictures throughout the book.
As a pastor (and husband) I am always looking to further my understanding on how to help married couples make their marriages better. This book can definitely help. While Dr. Eggerichs doesn't go into great detail about the issue of love and respect, he gives enough nuggets that one could easily adjust their marriage and make a huge difference. Marriage books often times focus on so many areas while this book focuses on the most common needs of men (respect) and women (love). I found many good illustrations that can be used in counseling or preaching. This is definitely a book I would recommend to couples in trouble. I would even recommend this to couples who have a strong marriage as a checkup point for discussion.
The book is well laid out and very colorful. This would make an excellent gift for newlyweds. It is very basic and straightforward in its approach. Overall, I would give this book a 5 star rating.
*This book was gratefully received from Thomas Nelson at no cost in exchange for my agreement to post this review.
Posted January 29, 2014
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Posted March 12, 2011
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Posted March 8, 2012
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Posted May 14, 2011
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