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Love at First Site
By Erika Ettin River Grove Books
Copyright © 2014 A Little Nudge LLC
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-63299-013-6
CHAPTER 1
THE FIVE RULES OF THUMB
Anyone who has ever used an online dating site will understand when I say that some people's profile pictures are, well, less than flattering. I've seen it all—the shirtless bathroom selfie (often with dirty laundry sitting in the background), the photos of your last ski trip where all I can see is some guy in a ski mask, and the photo of you sleeping.
When it comes to online dating photos, I recommend using only three to five. With this in mind, let's look at the five rules of thumb for choosing your online dating photos.
RULE #1: USE A CLEAR "FACE" PHOTO AS YOUR MAIN PROFILE PICTURE
On most online dating sites, you come up as a thumbnail, or a tiny, postage stamp-sized image that allows someone to briefly sneak a peek at you. If your photo is blurry or you're standing too far away from the camera, people can't see what you look like, so they won't even get as far as clicking on your profile.
If you don't have at least one clear head shot as your main profile picture, your profile will scream, "I'm hiding something!" or worse, "I can't even find a friend to snap a decent picture!" You really don't want someone to pass you over simply because he or she can't see what you look like at first glance.
THE MORAL: Blurry photos don't help anyone, and they do hurt you.
RULE #2: LESS IS MORE
Would you believe that Match.com allows a whopping 26 online dating profile photos? (I didn't believe it, either!) When I used JDate in the olden days—before the fairly recent format change—only four pictures were allowed. Now, the site allows 12. I believe JDate's former rule of limiting the number of pictures to four was actually for the better. Let's say I have eight photos of myself on an online dating site. In four of them, I look really cute (two in a hot pink dress and two more in a pair of jeans and my favorite red sweater); in two, I look just okay (bad hair day ... others with curly hair can relate); and in the remaining two, for one reason or another, I just don't look as good (really bad hair day, perhaps). My potential suitor may think that I'm the gal for him based on the first couple of pictures alone, but by the time he gets to the eighth one, he has already dismissed me, thinking that those bad pictures reflect what I actually look like. Clearly they do not, but he doesn't know that.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but 10 pictures are a waste of time. Now that Facebook has taken over the world, when it comes to online dating profiles, people often confuse the concept of posting just a few flattering pictures with posting an entire album. I have no doubt that your pictures from your trip to Greece with you standing on the Acropolis are amazing. Just remember, there's a time and a place for them, and that place is not an online dating site.
THE MORAL: Three great photos win over four or more mediocre photos any day. People will look for the one bad photo and decide not to email you because of it.
RULE #3: BE BY YOURSELF IN THE SHOT
A client recently told me that someone emailed her on Match.com asking if he could have her friend's number. (It's a groaner, I know.) My client was confused for a moment and then realized that he had looked at her pictures, one of which included some girlfriends, and concluded that her friend was the woman of his dreams.
Online dating experts often give conflicting advice: three pictures versus five pictures, a long profile versus a short one, listing your salary range versus leaving it blank. But there's one online dating pointer that most experts can agree on: Be by yourself in your online dating pictures. The last thing you want is to be compared to someone else in your own profile, like my poor client.
People have all kinds of reasons for including others in their photos, and I'm here to debunk all of them and then add two caveats for when it's A-okay to share some screen time with someone else.
I want to show that I'm social.
If you're trying to show that you're social by including a picture of you with your friends, it often does the exact opposite; it looks like you're trying too hard to show that you're social. If you have an active social life, your profile should list some of the activities you like to do (kickball, poker, sailing club, etc.), and you'll therefore have no need to prove it in a picture. We also don't want to make anyone pause to wonder whose profile this is. Remember—don't let people compare you to your friends!
I want to show that really attractive people (often of the opposite sex) like me.
The next picture is intimidating on many levels. 1) It makes the people looking at your profile compare themselves to your picture-mates to determine whether they are attractive enough for you. 2) It looks a bit conceited, like you exclusively spend time with only extremely attractive people. 3) It makes the people looking at your profile wonder if all of your friends are of the opposite sex. Is there even room for someone else in your life? Lose-lose-lose.
I want to show how attractive my ex was so people can see who's in my league.
This picture is also intimidating. 1) We compare ourselves. 2) We think you're not over the ex if he or she still takes a prominent spot in your profile. 3) If you're in a picture with just one other person of the opposite sex, we assume it's an ex, even if it's just a brother or sister. Again, lose-lose-lose.
I want to show how good-looking I am compared to the rest of my friends.
This faulty strategy has the opposite effect of the points previously made. People may think that you're only attracted to friends who aren't as attractive as you are and wonder why. (I know it seems silly.) Or, more likely, they'll see right through it. Shallow? Yes. True? Yes. I'll spare you the example for this one.
What are the two caveats? Children and pets. If you have children, then it's completely your choice as to whether or not to include a photo with them. If you do decide to post a picture with your child(ren), then just one is sufficient, and please add a caption saying that these are your children, lest someone assume something else. For pets, again, one picture with Fido is plenty. And please don't just show a picture of your pet without you in it. For all we know, you stopped some guy on the street and asked to take a picture of his pup! You may laugh, but it happens.
THE MORAL: Being alone is best ... in your online dating profile picture, that is.
RULE #4: HAVE ONE PHOTO WHERE YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING INTERESTING
Many people have no idea what to say in the initial email to show someone that they have an interest in communicating. For this reason, it's best to give these potential suitors (or suitor-esses) one more thing to comment about. In other words, provide them with some "email bait."
In my old JDate profile, I had a photo of myself singing The Star-Spangled Banner. I received almost-daily emails asking where I was singing and how I got the gig. (Answers: A Washington Nationals game. A good demo and a lot of persistence.) This picture alone gave men the "in" they needed to strike up a conversation.
Other examples clients have used are:
• A woman playing ice hockey in full gear
• A man dressed as a clown since he performs for children every Sunday
• A woman bouncing on a large "egg" trampoline
• A man holding a ridiculously large pumpkin that looks like it should be featured in the Guinness Book of World Records
• A woman posing next to a sign that reads "Completely Nuts" (Oh wait—that was me again!)
THE MORAL: Many people have no idea what to say in the initial email, so give them something easy to comment about, or "email bait."
RULE #5: BE ACCURATE
Have you ever walked into the coffee shop or bar for your first date with someone you corresponded with online, and you can't find the person you're supposed to meet? Is it because your date isn't there? Nope! It's because the person looks nothing like his or her pictures. Perhaps old pictures were posted, or perhaps good old Dr. Photoshop made a cameo. Sadly, this happens a lot.
If you lie in your online dating photos with the hope that you'll get to the date and "wow" the other person with your charm and wit, I have to tell you that this is just not how it works. When your date enters the room, all he or she can think is, "This person has lied to me." Your charm is hidden behind the stinky layer of deceit all over you. So before trying to use your college photo to pass for your 45-year-old self, think again about how your date may react to your fib. Do the right thing and tell the truth.
It's better to have someone meet you in person and think, "He or she is so much more attractive than the photos I saw," instead of thinking, "Wow—those photos were a lie ... or taken five years ago!" I recommend using photos taken within the last year, or even more recently if you've changed something significant about your appearance, like getting a very noticeable haircut or losing/gaining a significant amount of weight.
THE MORAL: Don't lie about your looks ... enough said.
This leads me to the biggest photo myth: Professional photos are frowned upon. Not true!
If you are going to take professional photos, just make sure they are in a natural setting versus in a contrived studio. Think trees, park benches, and sidewalks, not backdrops, awkward poses, and saccharine-sweet smiles. If you look good, no one will care who took the pictures or whether you paid for them. They'll just be happy they found someone so attractive!
Try to take shots in two different outfits for some variety. For men, one of the outfits should be something you'd wear out to a nice dinner—perhaps a pair of slacks, a long-sleeved buttoned shirt, and nice shoes. (Make sure the shoes match the belt!) For the other outfit, wear something casual that you think represents you. Perhaps that's a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. For women, following the "dinner outfit" recommendation, a casual dress or a nice pair of slacks and a blouse would work. For the other outfit, again, choose something more casual, like a pair of jeans and a flattering top. V-necks tend to look best on women, and studies have shown that red is the best color to wear. Why red? One particular study has two explanations:
1. Red is associated with love—plain and simple.
2. People flush red when they are sexually receptive, thus associating the color with attraction for the other person.
That's quite the correlation. They say the same is true for both men and women, so start stocking up on red clothes. Before you go on that red-shirt shopping spree, though, remember that simply posting a picture in your brand spankin' new red shirt is not the golden ticket to getting you a date every night of the week. The most important part of the picture is still you, and only you.
Lastly, try to avoid crazy patterns, like Hawaiian prints or huge flowers, since we want the attention to be on your face, not on the leis that are adorning the shirt you bought last year on vacation. Also, try to avoid solid white, as it tends to wash people out in their photos. The thing to keep in mind is that you want the attention on you, not on your clothes, for better or for worse.
GATHER AROUND ... IT'S STORY TIME!
Déjà Vu
As you already know, I was an early adopter of online dating, starting in college when I was home in New Jersey for the summer. I remember my parents being terrified the first time I mentioned that I was going out with someone I met ... dun dun dun ... online. "What? Who are you going out with? From a website? Is that safe?" (Years later, by the way, my parents begged me to let them pay for a membership to JDate. It's amazing what a few years can do.) Anyway, in that first venture into the murky waters of online dating, I met Gerry. We went out for sushi. (I didn't know at the time that dinner was a terrible idea for a first online date, which I'll get to later.) He seemed nice enough, albeit totally nerdy. Now, I'm a nerd in my own right—I sure do love a good, complicated spreadsheet and a rousing game of Scrabble—but he had a huge cell phone on his belt buckle, and, as I mentioned before, this was well before cell phones were universally used. To this day, by the way, I stand by the opinion that no one should wear one on his or her pants. Ever. That said, the conversation was fine. He ate one sushi roll. What man only eats only one sushi roll!? Now, I know I'm barely pushing three digits on the scale, but I can eat at least two or three rolls! And so, that was the first, and I thought last, date with Gerry.
Fast-forward six years. I lived in the nation's capital, was working at Fannie Mae, and was going to business school at night, so there wasn't much time for going out and meeting new people. Once again, I decided to join JDate for what felt like the 77th time, and I wrote to a guy who seemed like he might be a good fit. He wrote back (yay!), and we started having a really witty conversation. He was intrigued by the fact that I loved musical theater. Did I even say that in my profile? He seemed attentive and interested in my being from New Jersey. We shared some puns (I love a good pun!), I swooned, and we decided to meet.
Given my crazy schedule with work and school, the only night I had free was Saturday. Strike one for me. Then, he asked me out for dinner, sushi no less. Strike two for me. We met at the Metro, and he seemed nice enough, albeit totally nerdy. He had a bomber jacket on that definitely went out of style sometime in the late '80s. But I could look past that. We got to the restaurant, and just as we were about to sit down, he looked at me and said, "I have something I have to tell you." You just met me—what could you possibly have to tell me? He continued, "I think we went on a date six years ago." Things went downhill from there. Not only had he recognized me from my pictures, but he also hadn't told me he had recognized me because he knew I didn't like him the first time around and would potentially decline the date! The cell phone had moved from the pants to the jacket, but everything else was the same, down to the sushi. And how did he know I love musical theater? It was because he remembered from the first date that I was in a community theater show (The Pirates of Penzance, in case you were curious) with his cousin. He had even emailed this cousin to confirm it was me! This time, you know what I did? I ordered three sushi rolls! That'll (chop) stick it to him! I'm eating all the spicy crunchy tuna I want! By 8:30 p.m., I had had enough. I got in a cab, told the driver the whole ridiculous story, and was in my jammies by 9:00 with a much-needed glass of red wine in hand.
So the next time you're on that bad date, remember that you might be telling the story for years to come. Every bad date is a good story!
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Love at First Site by Erika Ettin. Copyright © 2014 A Little Nudge LLC. Excerpted by permission of River Grove Books.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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