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Overview
Insightful, universally touching, and uncommonly wise, Love, Ellen is a story of friendship between mother and daughter and a lesson in understanding for all parents and their children.
"Mom, I'm gay." With three little words, gay children can change their parents' lives forever. Yet at the same times it's a chance for those parents to realize nothing, really, has changed at all; same kid, same life, same bond of enduring love.Twenty years ago, during a walk on a Mississippi beach, Ellen DeGeneres spoke those simple, powerful words to her mother. That emotional moment eventually brought mother and daughter closer than ever, but not without a struggle. Coming from a republican family with conservative values, Betty needed time and education to understand her daughter's homosexuality — but her ultimate acceptance would set the stage for a far more public coming out, one that would change history.
In Love, Ellen, Betty DeGeneres tells her story; the complicated path to acceptance and the deepening of her friendship with her daughter; the media's scrutiny of their family life; the painful and often inspiring stories she's heard on the road as the first non-gay spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaigns National Coming Out Project.
With a mother's love, clear minded common sense, and hard won wisdom, Betty DeGeneres offers up her own very personal memoir to help parents understand their gay children, and to help sons and daughters who have been rejected by their families feel less alone."Mom, I'm gay." With three little words, gay children can change their parents' lives forever. Yet at the same times it's a chance for those parents to realize nothing, really, has changed at all; same kid, same life, same bond of enduring love.
Twenty years ago, during a walk on a Mississippi beach, Ellen DeGeneres spoke those simple, powerful words to her mother. That emotional moment eventually brought mother and daughter closer than ever, but not without a struggle. Coming from a republican family with conservative values, Betty needed time and education to understand her daughter's homosexuality — but her ultimate acceptance would set the stage for a far more public coming out, one that would change history.
In Love, Ellen, Betty DeGeneres tells her story; the complicated path to acceptance and the deepening of her friendship with her daughter; the media's scrutiny of their family life; the painful and often inspiring stories she's heard on the road as the first non-gay spokesperson for the Human Rights Campaigns National Coming Out Project.
With a mother's love, clear minded common sense, and hard won wisdom, Betty DeGeneres offers up her own very personal memoir to help parents understand their gay children, and to help sons and daughters who have been rejected by their families feel less alone.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780688176884 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | HarperCollins |
| Publication date: | 04/26/2000 |
| Pages: | 400 |
| Sales rank: | 1,120,140 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.50(w) x 8.25(h) x 1.00(d) |
| Age Range: | 4 Years |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
FIRST OF ALL, WHEN you think about it, we're all stuck here on this planet while it hurtles through space in its orbit. If you imagine yourself free of gravity and floating off in the distance, you get a whole different perspective on us. I imagine us all looking exactly the same -- like little ants, but full of self-importance. We're pretty good at dividing. And we're not bad at multiplying, either. (Sorry, I couldn't resist that. I am Ellen's mom, after all.)
How laughable we would seem from that far-off vantage point -- self-obsessed busy-bodies divided by turf and custom and color and you name it. We're divided by everything from what we eat to whom we worship as God and what name we call Him/Her. We're not just divided by our religious differences: we've gone to war because of them; we've actually killed in the name of God. I'm certain that's not what He/She intended when we were first created and put on this good earth to live and thrive together.
When it comes to embracing diversity, I tend to think of myself as a relatively "average," "regular" person, not endowed with traits that would make me any more accepting than you or your neighbors. There wasn't anything in my upbringing that caused me to be more tolerant than the next person. If anything shaped that inclination, it is the fact that I became a mother. But I'm certainly not supermom. Rather, I'm probably more of an Everymom, with the same dream that most parents have for their kids -- a live-and-let-live world where all the ants can celebrate individuality and diversity, yet still recognize each other as part of a largerfamily.
There's nothing new or radical about this image of ants. In fact, it's really just a spin on what is more commonly called the golden rule, something I was taught at the beginning of my education as Everygirl.
That part of my story starts in the depths of the Great Depression: on May 20, 1930, when I was born Betty Jane Pfeffer at home in a rented half of a double house on Dante Street in New Orleans, Louisiana. Despite the Depression and their own poverty, my parents -- my father, William Dick Pfeffer, of German descent; and my mother, Mildred Morrill Pfeffer, of Irish descent -- were happily anticipating my arrival and were planning for me to be the first of their three children to be born in a hospital. But I came too soon, and Mother gave birth at home, as she had with my sister Helen, seven years my senior, and my sister Audrey, five years my senior. So much for that plan. I've often wondered if it was my early entrance into the world that set the pattern of impulsiveness in my life, a pattern that has persisted to this day.
In any event, I am quite sure that being the third-born and the baby of the family shaped my early personality. Where Helen, the eldest, was serious, intelligent, and always thoughtful, and Audrey in the middle was fun-loving and vivacious, I was known as the "littlest," and -- with my thick golden curls and my apple-red cheeks -- I was spoiled rotten, and notorious for never taking no for an answer. I was tenacious. Still am. I consider tenacity one of my great strengths and one of my great weaknesses.
My earliest memories are from about the age of four. What I remember most about myself was how irrepressibly curious I was about everything. By now we were living in a slightly larger rental, not far from where I was born, a raised half of a double on Apricot Street. This house had a tiny backyard with a dirt plot maybe three feet by six feet. To this day, I can still see myself planting nasturtium seeds there and -- with time passing ever so slowly, as it does for the very young -- watching the green stalks inch from the ground, the flowers eventually bursting into bloom.
Some years later, being an impulsive and curious child, when I saw an ad on a bus for cotton seeds, I wrote down the address and sent for them.
A month later, as we were sitting down to dinner one night, Helen and Audrey began to laugh. Mother and Daddy asked them what was so funny.Audrey began, "Have you seen the backyard? She..."
"She? Who is she?" Mother said sternly. Mother thought it was extremely rude to refer to someone present as "she" or "her." Otherwise, Mother said, Audrey could have been referring to the cat or the cat's grandmother. We were taught to refer to company present by name.
Audrey continued, "Betty Jane is growing cotton in the backyard."
That was correct. When the seeds arrived I had planted them on my own, per instructions, and I soon had a small but nice cotton crop.
Mother and Daddy must have thought it a little unusual. But they acted proud. That's how they were whenever I tried new things. The lesson was simple -- it's OK to be curious. Over the years, this quality has endured and may be why I've always had quite a collection of hobbies and creative pursuits. And, even more relevant to the work I do now, being naturally curious has always made me open to meeting different kinds of people.
Copyright 1999 by Betty DeGeneres
Table of Contents
| Prologue: Coming Out, the First Time | 1 |
| Part I: 1930-1978 | |
| 1. The Importance of Being Different | 21 |
| 2. Motherhood | 50 |
| 3. The Paper Doll Family | 78 |
| 4. Atlanta, Texas | 105 |
| Part II: 1978-1997 | |
| 5. The Importance of Being Honest | 143 |
| 6. I Love You, Mom; I Love You, El | 149 |
| 7. Big Breaks | 180 |
| 8. Come Out, Come Out | 210 |
| Part III: April 30, 1997, to the Present | |
| 9. Journeys | 255 |
| 10. Speaking Out, Speaking Up | 303 |
| 11. Questions | 329 |
| Epilogue: It's All About Love | 347 |
| Resources | 367 |
Interviews
On Tuesday, April 27th, barnesandnoble.com welcomed Betty DeGeneres to discuss LOVE, ELLEN.
Moderator: Welcome, Betty DeGeneres! Thank you for taking the time to join us online this evening. How are you doing tonight?
Betty DeGeneres: Just great, thank you.
Gretta from Metaire, LA: What do you think is the worst thing a parent can do when he or she first discovers that their child is gay?
Betty DeGeneres: The very worst thing is to completely reject them -- bodily throw them out of the house.
John from JWC901@aol.com: What advice would you give to parents across the country who are learning that their child is gay?
Betty DeGeneres: To keep the lines of communication open -- that is vital.
Sue from New York: If coming out to your parents will hurt them, should you stay closeted?
Betty DeGeneres: You don't know if it will hurt them; you never know how a parent will respond, and if you stay closeted, you can't have an honest relationship.
Krista from Santa Monica, CA: Do you ever feel violated to some degree by letting the general public into such personal aspects of your life?
Betty DeGeneres: No, not at all, because it was my life. I could have glossed over things or omitted things, but I felt, and Ellen felt, that they were vital to our story.
Teddy from San Francisco, CA: What are your thoughts on the general state of acceptance in our country right now?
Betty DeGeneres: I think there are lots and lots of fair-minded people who are accepting, but they don't make as much noise as the ones who are preaching discrimination; we don't make as much noise.
Lana West from Bethlehem, PA: I don't have a question, I just want to tell you how great it is that you wrote such a wonderful book that has been due for some time now. Great book! I really enjoyed it.
Betty DeGeneres: I appreciate that.
Sue from New York: Do you think that someday there will not be any labels on gays and that we will all be treated as equals?
Betty DeGeneres: That is my dream.
Kathy from Seattle: I know about the HBO project; what are Ellen and Anne doing for Showtime?
Betty DeGeneres: Anne has written a movie for Showtime and she is directing it.
Nicole from Westport, CT: Did you know at an early age that Ellen was something special? When did you realize you had a comedic genius for a daughter?
Betty DeGeneres: As she was building her career I realized her comedy genius. Before that, she was just a kid with a great sense of humor.
JL from Florida: What can a gay child do or say to help their parents accept them?
Betty DeGeneres: Give them my book. And get them to PFLAG (www.pflag.org/pflag.html).
Tracy from Marlboro, MA: It is so sad how often I hear about gay children who no longer speak to their parents. Ellen is extremely lucky to have such a caring and open-minded mother. What was the hardest part of being Ellen's mom? Also, how do you react to the Hollywood backlash that I read Ellen was complaining about?
Betty DeGeneres: There is no hard part, there never was a hard part. We always had a great relationship. I think the Hollywood backlash is mainly a thing of the past. They are two very talented women, and there will always be a place for them.
Niki from Niki_palek@yahoo.com: How much do you think the raising of children influences a child's sexuality?
Betty DeGeneres: I don't that influences it at all. Gay people come from every sort of background, just as heterosexual people do.
Sue from New York: Do you think that Anne is Ellen's soul mate?
Betty DeGeneres: Yes.
Katrina from Springfield, VA: I really enjoyed the passage of your book where you go to Washington and are on "This Week on ABC." Why do you think that even educated or perceived smart folk are so naive about gay rights and other issues in the same vein?
Betty DeGeneres: Because we haven't spoken out enough to let people know that gay family members don't have equal rights. And people think we want special rights for them, and in no way is that true.
Trisha Dunn from Baltimore MD: Hi Betty, what new activities do you have planned with the Human Rights Campaign (www.hrc.org/) this year?
Betty DeGeneres: I don't know. I think they are letting me first recover from my book tour, which is just coming to an end now -- Seattle is my last city.
Trisha Dunn from Baltimore MD: Do you get nervous being on TV and being in front of crowds? Or have you become used to it now?
Betty DeGeneres: I never did get nervous since I started this work because I am speaking from my heart.
Sue from New York: Did you ever think that Ellen's career could be destroyed by her coming out publicly?
Betty DeGeneres: Yes, and so did she. She knew she was risking her whole career, but it was more important to be honest and to give that message to gay teens -- that they have nothing to be ashamed of.
Amy from FL: As a person who grew up with Scientology as your religion, how did you view homosexuality before Ellen came out to you?
Betty DeGeneres: Not Scientology, Christian Science, completely different. It teaches that God is love and that he made man in his image and likeness. It is not a hellfire and damnation religion.
Kathy from Seattle: Do Ellen and Anne know about all the web sites devoted to them?
Betty DeGeneres: I think they know there are some, but I am not sure if they have even seen any.
Lenea734@aol.com from Plano, TX: Who are some of Betty DeGeneres's role models?
Betty DeGeneres: Coretta Scott King, Ellen DeGeneres, Anne Heche, Kathy Najimy, who has always spoken out for fairness; I am sure there are more but those come to mind immediately. Medgar Evers's widow as well.
George from New York City: What compelled you to write a book?
Betty DeGeneres: The idea first started with people asking me to write the book to give to their parents. I had so many of Ellen's letters that she had written to me, and I thought that in itself is an interesting story of building her career.
Cummings from LA, CA: Do you know where we can see Ellen next? Will she be in any soon-to-be released movies?
Betty DeGeneres: Yes, "The Love Letter," and the two that are out now -- "Edtv" and "Goodbye Lover."
Moderator: Do you have any books you have been saving to read this summer?
Betty DeGeneres: Yes, Maeve Binchy's new book TARA ROAD -- it is a biggie and I will need time to sit down. The new book by James Baldwin.
Jan from Edmonds: Do Anne and her mom talk, or are they still distant? I think it's terrible that Nancy Heche rejected her daughter.
Betty DeGeneres: They don't talk.
Cindy from Denver, CO: What can we do as a general public to help close the gap between the naive homophobes and more open-minded and tolerant folk?
Betty DeGeneres: The more people come out, the better it will be, so that nobody can say "I don't know anybody who is gay" -- because we all do.
JC from New Jersey: Should teens lie about their sexuality if confronted and called perverse by their family?
Betty DeGeneres: No.
Marie Garretson from NJ: Hi, I'm really proud to talk to you online. I just wanted to say I really liked the "Ellen" show, and it should not have been taken off the air. Since I can't meet her in person, could you tell her she is a wonderful person? Will she answer letters from the address on the Internet? I want to let her know she lifted me out of depressions, and when I've heard her speak live I can tell she is very similar to me. It's a matter of coming to terms with yourself, which is what I'm going through myself
Betty DeGeneres: Thank you, I will tell her.
JL from Florida: Does Ellen plan any more college tours to foster understanding and acceptance of gays? It is very much needed in light of the Colorado tragedy, where the boys were supposedly taunted for being "fags."
Betty DeGeneres: I think she does. She enjoys those very much.
Shawna from Ohio: What new things are coming up for Ellen? Really miss her show; watch the reruns all the time.
Betty DeGeneres: There is a new TV show in the works.
Moderator: Thank you, Betty DeGeneres! Best of luck with everything. Before you leave, do you have any parting thoughts for the online audience?
Betty DeGeneres: Thank you, barnesandnoble.com. I certainly appreciate the wonderful reception that the book has gotten. I hope it will be out there for a long time, as yet another resource to promote understanding.