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January 1990 Red Hills, Kingston, Jamaica
Five Years Early
The alarm clock was Danny, he woke me up at four thirty A.M. I was still sleepy for staying up all night with my son, Kaliel. I used to wake up super early but after I had kids, things changed. My body was still asleep. I had to force myself out of bed. Danny was in the kitchen giving the nanny instructions for the triplets. He told her he was about to drop me off over to my daddy's house to ride with my sisters to the airport. We didn't have to pay for tickets because my daddy owned his own private jet. "I'm still sleepy, Danny," I said while rubbing my left eye, "Danny, please, let me sleep for five, ten, or twenty more minutes," I said while laying on my stomach in bed. He laughed and said, "Your dad, is expecting you there at a certain time, he will be upset if you don't get on that plane with your sisters." "Let me get up," I said as I pressed my way out of bed. After I got up out of bed I went straight to the bathroom and got in the shower and let the water hit my face so I could wake up. After my shower I got dressed, and then I went in the kitchen and made a bowl of cereal. I sat down at the dinette table and enjoyed my breakfast. Danny was already dressed and waiting on me to finish my cereal so we could roll out. After I ate my cereal I went back in Danny's room and grabbed my bags off the floor and sat them on the bed next to my bank card, and cell phone. Then I grabbed my jacket out of the closet and put it on. "Do you have everything?" Danny asked me while he stood in the door way of his bedroom looking at me fix my hair up in a ponytail, "Yes, Danny, I have everything," I responded back while twisting the scrunchie around my hair. "My bags are packed and I'm resta go!" I said to him as I helped him carry my bags out the room. I was trying to do different things all at once. I was rushing because I knew my sisters were waiting on me to show up so we could leave. I kissed my babies good bye and my daughter Platinum woke up when I kissed her left cheek. I picked her up and sat down on the edge of the bed while Danny took my bags to the car, "Hey little mahmuss," She was laughing while I was talking to her, "I'm going away ... kay?" I knew she didn't understand what I was saying but I felt the need to tell her so she wouldn't think that I gave up on her like my mother did me, "But you will be with me in my heart and you will be on my mind ... mommy have to go away to school in America, so you can have everything you want when I become rich, okay? Mommy is going to miss you and your brothers. But I promise to call you every day and check up on you . . ." I was getting teary eye, I tried not to cry, but I thought about my mama holding and talking to me like I was holding Platinum and talking to her. How could a mother throw away a precious baby? I can't find it in my heart to be that damn evil towards a baby I birthed in this world. I love my kids very much. I just wish my mother would have loved me. I got up and walked in the kitchen still holding Platinum and handed her over to the nanny. Danny walked back in the house rushing me out the door. I was lolly gagging, because I really didn't want to leave my babies behind, but I had too. It was a sacrifice that I had to make for me and them. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do in order to make money meet for you and your kids. And that's what I did. It will be greater later ... that's a promise. Struggles and long-sufferings come before blessings. How can, God, bless you if you have never been through some things, or had to sacrifice some things? Sacrificing is a part of life ... no, it is life. You have to go through something in order to be something. You have to give up something to get a better something. But remember this. When you bless others with things you want and like, then God, will bless you with things you want and like. But when you bless others with things you don't like or want, then God, will bless you with things you don't like and don't want. My grandma Jewels, told me about the giving game. It's called. Give good gifts to get better gifts. "I'm going to miss, Jamaica," I said to Danny, while he was driving. "Jamaica is going to miss you too," He replied. "There is always a party every day of the week. I hope America party hard like Jamaica," I laughed. "You don't need to worry about any parties," Danny said, "You need to focus on your career path." "Oh, trust me, I will focus," I said to him, "No one or nothing will stop me from succeeding." "That's what I want to hear," Danny said. He always wants the best for me and I love that about him. That's why I love him so much. He's the man of my dreams and he's going to marry me. Watch and see. "I'm going to miss you, mahmuss." Danny said. "I'm going to miss you too, Danny." I whimpered. "But I'll be out there checking on you from time to time," he said, "I have a house in Miami, so when I do visit, I'll just stay at the Miami house." "You have a house in Miami?" I asked. "Yes," He replied. "Oh cool." I said. "Did your dad find you a Condo yet?" Danny asked me, "Not that I know of." I replied. "Well if not, you could stay at my Miami house until you start medical school." "My daddy said the real estate agent is trying hard to find a decent Condo that fits my life," Danny laughed at what I said, "he wants me to stay at his house in Miami until my condo is ready. But my sisters said I could stay with them in California." "I think you should stay at your dad's or my Miami house in Florida instead of going to California with your sisters ... just, think about it." "Ok Danny, I'll think about it." "Mahmuss, please, make sure you have some where to stay in California," He calmly said. "I will," I said, "But the reason why I want so badly to go with them to California is because, for one. They live out there, and for two. I need to see my moms and talk to her about her absence in my life ... I need to see Beatrice and ask her why. School is on my mind, but I need to go to California and face her ... I need to hear her tell me out of her own mouth that she never wanted me ... and I want to know why ... why did she, deny me at birth but kept the other kids especially my identical twin sister Sha'Ron." "Just don't get hurt in the process of doing that," Danny said. "Oh, I won't," I said, "She can't hurt me." "I don't want to hear that she drove you into a mental hospital or that you tried to commit suicide because she has hurt your feelings," We laughed, "Danny, come on now I'm stronger than that," I said, "she can't insane my brain. I believe my daddy but then in the back of my mind I don't believe my daddy ... I know he wouldn't lie and just make up a story like that but I need to know so I can close the book about her not wanting me ... I think I'm just in denial about it." Ring. Ring. Danny's phone rung, "hello," he answered it. "Hold on." He gave me the phone and I put it on speaker. "I'm going to miss you, she whined. I'm gonna miss you too, Tricia, but I got to do what I got to do to make my money." We laughed. "Girl, your daddy is rich, you don't need any money," Tricia said. "That's his hard earned money, now I need to make my hard earned money," I said. "Yeah, I feel you . . ." Tricia whined, "But dang I won't see you anymore." "Yes you will, Tricia," I said, "I'm gonna send for you and Tahneysha every weekend." "Well hurry up and get into your own place so we can visit you," "Alright, will do." "Well, girl, have a safe trip, and I love you." "I love you too, Tricia." We made it to my daddy's private jet instead of his house because my daddy called Danny and told him to meet them at the airport, so we did. When I arrived, my sisters were waiting for me. They couldn't wait to get home to their husbands and kids. Danny took my bags out and put them in the Jet, and then he went over to the side of the Jet to talk to my daddy about my living arrangements. They need to understand that I want to stay with my sisters and my mother before I go to medical school. "Mahmuss, come here." My daddy called me over to join them in their conversation. "Yes daddy." I walked up to him. "Why you don't want to stay in Florida at my house until I find you a condo?" My daddy asked, "Because I want to stay in California around family," I responded. "But you don't need to be around your mom. She's not going to accept you being at her house ... I don't want you to get hurt." "Daddy, I'll be ok." My daddy is so over protective. "Mahmuss, that's not a good idea ... I can't be there to protect you because I will be in Africa on business trips." My daddy was getting on my nerves with that shit. "Daddy, why are you trying to deprive me of my family?" I had a slight attitude. "Don't sassy mouth me." "I'm not, daddy, I'm just saying that I want to be around my family." I whined. "What did I tell you about your mother?" "That she didn't want me." "So why do you want to be around her knowing she didn't want you at birth?" "Because people change ... daddy, they don't stay the same ... daddy, I just need to talk to her and make peace with her ... that's all." "Well, Crenique, it's your call ... but don't come calling me crying when she kicks you out of the house." I laughed. "Daddy, she's not that heartless." "Ok, mahmuss, you know." My daddy gave me a kiss on the forehead and then he walked away from me and Danny. I know he's upset, but oh well, it's my life and he needs to let me live and learn from my own mistakes. That's if it is a mistake to visit the woman who gave up on me at birth. "I wish you could stay," Danny said while giving me a hug. "Take care of yourself ... and mahmuss ... be careful dealing with your mother, ok?" "Ok, Danny." He kissed my forehead and hugged me again. He really wanted to say, stay here and go to school. I had tears in my eyes because I was going to be gone away from home for eight years. I had to be in America alone, and I had to fend myself ... that was scary. My daddy and Danny are my back bones. I didn't know anybody in America, not even my sisters. Nobody was going to have my back like Danny and daddy got my back. The thought of it tripped me up. "Why are you crying, mahmuss?" Danny asked as he wiped the tears from my eyes, "You will be, fine," He said, "I'll call and check on you every day ... and plus I'll be out there soon." "Soon is not good enough for me," I said to him, "I want you to come now." I demanded. "I'll come at least once a month," he said. "Why, once, a month?" I asked him. "I have my businesses out here that I have to attend too ... but if I can, I'll check on you every week." "That sounds a lot better," I said to Danny. "Mahmuss!" Linda called my name as she walked up to me. "Hey, Mama Linda," I said as I walked up to her. "I had to be here to say good bye," She said as she hugged me and kissed my face none-stop, "I'm going to miss my baby." She started my eyes back up to cry. Every time Linda shows me motherly love that's when I think about Beatrice, wishing she was my birth mother. "I'm going to miss you too mama, Linda." I said to her. "I wish you could stay here and go to school," she said, "but you chose to continue your education in America." "Don't worry, I will visit you," She said, "But, mahmuss, promise me this. Promise me that you will not let any boys distract you from achieving your financial goals." "I promise." "I'm very serious, mahmuss. There will be a lot of boys who would love to date you," she said while her hands were holding on to my cheeks. "But, please, please, focus on your education. Can you do that for me?" She asked me. "Yes," I replied. "Thank you baby," she gave me a big hug after she demanded me to stay away from loser faces. Linda, doesn't have to worry, I'm not bootsie enough to let no boys steal me away from being a doctor. It's not that much loving in the world to stop my education. I gave Linda, Danny and my daddy a good bye hug before I got on the private Jet. They watched me get on the Jet and waited until we were almost in the sky before getting in their cars and driving off. My sisters were looking pretty dressed in their different personality styles. Sondrea was wearing black front drape crop pants with black silk cotton strapless braided top by Gucci. Tiffany was wearing powder blue denim jeans with a blue and white plaid button down top and blue and white plaid 2-inch round toe booties, with blue and white bangles and large hoop earrings, hair swooped back in a neat pony tail. Ja'Naysha was wearing a one piece denim jumpsuit with white Gucci leather boots and a white Gucci LL Cool J. style Kangol hat. Tah'Janae was wearing a Rayon satin top with metal grey mélange stretch velvet corduroy 70's pants with Gucci Trademark back label and studs with black round toe Gucci 4-inch boots. Nay'Janae was wearing a Gucci cashmere short sleeve polo top, with Gucci blue super stone washed five pocket 70's stretch denim with metal GG belt detail on fifth pocket. Now far as I go. I was rocking Gucci dark blue five pocket 70's stretch denim pants with Gucci Trademark on back pocket with a Gucci three-quarter sleeve Kimono t-shirt with violet round toe 3-inch pumps. My style is similar as Tah'Janae's and Nay'Janae's. All three of us dress to impress but with class, we love those long boot cut jeans. We dress important because we are important. But Tah'Janae's attitude is more diva'ish. She is kind of stuck up and feels like she's too important to hold a conversation with those who aren't doing anything with their lives. Nay'Janae is kind of the arguing type when she's drunk she loves to talk a lot and curse a lot. Well, I can't talk because I curse a lot. Ja'Naysha is the feisty one who wants all the sisters to obey her, she's bossy and she loves to argue if things doesn't go her way, her style of dressing is insecure, the reason why I say that is because only insecure women tries to out dress others and loves compliments from those who brags about her every day of the week new outfits. Ja'Naysha and Sha'Ron are very close to each other because both are bossy and start's shit with those who don't give them their way. They feel as though the world revolves around them. To them, no one can beat their ass when it comes down to fighting, they feel they are invincible and can't be touched by another squabbler. They feel that God made only them with squabbles. Something is wrong with their brain for thinking no one can beat their ass because I know I got chunk'ems. I proved my point when I beat Sha'Ron's ass. Tiffany is the one who will dress outside of the box. She doesn't keep up with seasonal colors. She loves to wear light colors all year round. Sondrea is the fuddy-duddy one. Her style is kind of old school. Sha'Ron was wearing blue stone washed five pocket boyfriend denim Gucci jeans with a baby blue polo t-shirt by Gucci and Gucci slip-on shoes. Sha'ron's style is contradicting. Sometimes she will wear boy boxer shorts as shorts outside with a tee shirt on. She is some-what a tomboy and a girly girl. She will lounge in her boy Dickies over her boy boxer shorts, and sometimes she wears basketball shorts to lounge in or gray sweats. The only time Sha'ron will dress in girl outfits is when she is dressing to impress. "I'm going to call, Linda, Danny and daddy as soon as we arrive to Los Angeles airport to let them know we made it safe," I said to Nay'Janae, "Matter fact I'll call them when I get to mama house just to prove them wrong." "Girl, you crazy," Nay'Janae said while reading a magazine. Los Angeles! The big city of dreams, the city that never sleeps when it comes to making money. There is no such thing as moving out of LA. Without accomplishing a thing, unless you are crazy. My sisters told me there are parties every day of the week, and the night clubs and bars stays open every night. They even told me about the after-hours clubs, the ones that stays open until the next day at 6:30 AM. They said that Hollywood is like Las Vegas, it never sleeps because of its famous mark. The tourist loves Hollywood. They even sleep outside on Hollywood Blvd trying to cop a photo of their favorite celebrity walking up and down the Hollywood Blvd or the Sunset Strip. If I went to school in Los Angeles, I would be distracted because for one. California is a big ass State with a lot of happenings. There are a lot of situations to attend while living in LA. There is no such thing as being bored in LA. Especially if you know the right people who knows where all the right spots be cracking at. But me, I'm not enthused with the party life style; I'm more like the square who keeps money on the mind.
Excerpted from Love Isn't Painful by Shanita Ann Johnson Copyright © 2011 by Shanita Ann Johnson. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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