Not Excellent

So, I've been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs this week, and, to be fair, his premise is great. Working from Ephesians 5:33, Eggerichs argues that women need love and men need respect and that the amount of love and respect in a marriage will determine it's success or failure.
Eggerichs goes with the "respect" translation here instead of "submission," a decision that, I think, eventually weakens his case. It's very possible for a woman to submit to a man who often disappoints her, but much harder for a woman to respect that man. She can act respectfully.
Anyway, I agree with Eggerichs that men need to be valued and admired and treated with respect. I also agree that women need to be loved. I wonder though if men do really prefer respect to love. My husband said he didn't think that was true for him (which really undercuts the value of my reading the book) and my preacher said from the pulpit the other night that he'd prefer to be loved than respected. That's certainly not exhaustive research, but it makes me wonder.
Overall, I think this book fails to execute on an excellent idea primarily because of what seems like a serious bias against women. I posted this possibility on facebook and quickly heard from multiple women who felt the same way. For example, at one point Eggerichs advises men: "Be willing to take a hit from your wife. You won't die (although at times death may seem preferable)." Similarly, throughout the book he casts women as "usually the ones who are criticizers" and men as unwitting victims, at worst fools.
Eggerichs tells a story about a man who buys his wife a birthday card for their anniversary and very obviously defends the husband. He even says the wife is "assassinating his character" when she suggests that he might love his car more than he loves her-a car he obsesses over in detail. I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. That guy had it coming. And, maybe I'm crazy, but a statement of fact doesn't seem like a character assassination.
My other major criticism is that much of the book reads like an advertisement for itself, regularly citing letters from fans that often seem out of place.
Also, the writing's not so great. Some metaphors just seem very forced (pink and blue hearing aids, deer trampling love tank air hoses.).
Having said all of that, I still think a book on this topic is important. Women do need to understand how much men need respect (or submission) and men do need a reminder that their wives need love. I just think a more balanced, more skillful presentation is in order.

5 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

A reviewer

This is the best book on understanding what I've been 'saying' to my wife for all these years...as well as what she's been saying to me. However, if you're a man reading this review and thinking about getting this book...be ready to get humbled. Saving your marriage is about loving your wife and being able to do that whether she respects you or not. If you're a woman reading this review and thinking about getting this book...be ready to also be humbled. Respecting your husband is about doing so even if you don't feel loved at the time. When us men and woman understand what signals we're sending to each other and how to 'decode' them...only then will WE be able to move forward in repairing a damaged marriage...or build a stronger marriage that is already pretty well off. If men read this and only see it as their wives are at fault for every thing...THEN they really didn't read the book...I'm a man and saw ME all over the problem. The same goes for women. To clarify for the women...if you feel Emerson is only pointing out that women are at fault for their marriage being in trouble...then you really didn't read the book. My parents have been married for over 47 years...spent over 30 years in full time ministry together as senior pastor/wife team...and counseled 100's of couples...they too found this book full of tools for their marriage!!!

4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

Different

This is a different take on marriage relationship and from a male standpoint very easily understood and practiced. I understand from the other half that it is fairly difficult to relate and points out things that they never thought of.

3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

A reviewer

I dont think I've ever read a bigger load of BS. The author has it in for women and blames them for everything, using the bible as his justification. As an example, he tells about how he completely forgot his wifes birthday, and then goes on to say that he felt judged and put down and therefore disrespected. WHAT!?!?! He forgets her birthday, and he accuses her of disrespect??? I struggled through the whole book, and he makes some good points, but continually asserts that women are the problem in most marriages and most marital problems can be solved if women just show more respect for their husbands, even if it isnt earned. Women should be secondary to their spouses and let the man make the decisions. Women are portrayed as screeching witches and the men are just clueless and sulky. I dont screetch at my husband, and he doesnt give me the silent treatment when he's mad. Even when the author made a good point, like encouraging men to apologize -and he acknowledges that this is very difficult for most men to do- he wrecks his whole effort by then pointing out that saying your sorry often leads to sex. So, is that why men should say they are sorry? To get us into bed? In my house, all family members treat each other with respect. And I would not stay married to a man who didnt respect me. Ladies, its not all your fault. Love and respect should be mutual. Its not about you respecting him first so that he will love you. Thats crap. Instead of reading this garbage, learn to respect yourself first.

3 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

Decent but major flaws

While i do not disagree with the idea that women need love and that men need respect i disagree with the way it is presented. I love the clock frame he presents that without love she reacts without respect - without respect he reacts without love. That is a truth that a couple can live by, and i believe enrich their relationship with. That said, i want to comment on 2 weaknesses i found so over powering it ruined most of the book for me. First off he repeats himself way too much. I understand the message is important, and as stated i DO agree with it, however when i could sum up a 12 page chapter in 3/4 page because it repeats itself so much it becomes tiresome and boring. The thing i found most upseting about the book was the fact that women seemed to be attacked. While i agree that we can be very critical at times, and hard to deal with it seems that Dr. Eggerichs has it in for women. I noticed his chapters present situations where women are clearly at fault and he openly pins it on them. In particular in the 2nd chapter he says that women continually criticize, yell, and put down their husbands. He says that men do the 'honorable thing' by walking away or staying quiet, which angers women more and causes problems. He refers to mens actions as honorable and right, and women as critical and cruel. I also found he was quick to actually write that the causes of fights were the womens faults for criticizing in the first place. Dr Eggerichs believes that despite not feeling love women should show respect (which i do agree with) however he never calls men to the helm to show love even if they do not feel respect. I do believe the general concept can help marriages, but i do not promote the way he addresses it.

3 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

Very good book which will challenge the way you think

Love and Respect is a personally challenging book which looks at the husband and wife relationship in a Biblical way. The concepts shared and brought to light are very different than the typical marriage/relationship books focused exclusively on Love. It will challenge the reader to consider the needs of each partner in a different, and Biblical way. We are using the book as the basis for a small group study within our church and it is creating great conversation and learnings. I highly recommend the book for anyone looking to better understand the needs of their spouse and wants to strenghen their relationship.

2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Excellent book

I read 10 books about marriage in 2009 and this was by far the most informative. It contains the most practical, useful,and applicable advice I have read to date. Dr. Eggerichs writes with great clarity and uses real stories very effectively to inform his readers and support his premises. I thought so well of the book that I gave one to my niece who is soon to be married. I highly recommend it for anyone experiencing conflict in their marriage or for anyone is comtemplating marriage.

2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Patronizing...

I have always viewed books on relationships to be a little off. They always tend to lean in one direction. But I wanted to give this one a fair shot and I went into it with a clear mind.

This book revolves around the idea that women need to show respect and men need to show love. And it stops there. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I know many women that deserve respect and many men that crave love. However this isn't explored. It may have worked at some point, but men like women with a soft side, that don't just say "YES SIR"

Once I realized this would be the context of the book, I moved on and accepted that each gender would be taught how to do those specific roles. Not quite the case. This book was written to essentially teach women how to respect the man. Any man that picks up this book will not be given ways on how to love a women. They will just be reinforced on the notion that they "deserve" respect.

Eggerichs example on how women prefer pink and men prefer blue (while some do) seems a bit outdated to me. While, yes, you go into an office for a woman and it has light colours, and an office for a man is usually draped in dark wood, it's not like that is ALL they like. It made me laugh as I looked around my own office, then went to visit my husbands.

I found the following statement in this book rather irritating as well: "this is how a woman's mind works" Really? You spoke with EVERY woman. You can't even make that statement about men, how does he think it applies to women, who are typically more complex!!

I am not saying this book does not make good points. It does. But for me it was a little patronizing. And that would be fine, it is was the point of the book. But the whole point was to show BOTH sides of the issue and present them in a realistic way. A way that works with todays families. This point was missed in this book.

My advice to people, stop reading these books, and actually listed and talk to your partner.

2 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

Good Concept-Poor Read

After sitting down numerous times to try and get through this book I give up. I love the concept and message it sends but page after page seems to be saying the same thing. I get it...respect my husband...husband-love thy wife. I thought maybe it would get better the farther I got through the book but it didn't. I'm sure the message is great at a conference, but for a full blown book it gets a little lengthy. Best part of the book is the letters sent in from various wives/husbands.

2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Hard to Read

Although I am not involved in a romantic relationship, I do have a few men in my life (father, brothers, friends), and I do hope to eventually marry. So, I thought this would be a good book... Unfortunately, I found it hard to get through. It was difficult to want to read because it didn't seem like Dr. Eggerichs had done enough research. I think most people would agree with what he's trying to say about loving and respecting one another, and I believe that we all need to be reminded of that sometimes. However, I just don't feel like he went about it the right way, and that he should have put more research into the book. That said, I'd give it a 3 out of 5.

1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Love & Respect

This is a great book about marriage. The idea behind the book is that a wife's need for unconditional love is just as important to her as as her husband's need for unconditional respect is to him. Here's the book: women want to be loved, men want to be respected. But whenever that desire is unmet, we typically respond by withholding the very thing our spouse desires most.

I give 5 stars to Love & Respect.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Love & Respect is a phenomenal book that gets right to the point....

I think this book is extrememly well written and gets straight to the point. If you and your husband are having some difficulties in marriage or you just want to educate yourself on marriage, please invest in this phenomenal book. I have learned so much from it and I would refer anyone to take the time to read this book. There is such a lack of knowledge this day and age in regards to marriage and what really makes a marriage work. Respect your husband and in return he will love you. Love your wife and in return she will respect you...

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Get Off the Crazy Cycle and Keep Your Marriage Energized!

All married couples can benefit from reading Love and Respect. In this book, Dr. Eggerichs shares a simple but complex secret to a long and happy marriage: when a husband loves his wife, then his wife will respect him. This secret, first shared by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5, is easier said than done because the opposite is also true: when a husband is unloving toward his wife, then she reacts in ways that her husband feels is disrespectful, then he becomes more unloving, and she becomes more disrespectful: they get into what is called the "Crazy Cycle" and round-and-round they go. Dr. Eggerichs shares practical advice for getting off the crazy cycle and starting to live life to the fullest on the "Energizing Cycle."

Through everyday examples backed up by Biblical truths, Dr. Eggerichs shares that these basic needs - love and respect - can be met through self-less communication and actions by both the husband and the wife. These practical practices form two easy to remember acrostics C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S that can work if you do the work: Emerson shares how these self-less truths have turned bad marriages into good ones and good marriages into great ones. In part 3 of the book, "The Rewarded Cycle," Eggerichs' most important point is this: your marriage really has nothing to do with your spouse, but has everything to do with your relationship to Christ. When you look at it that way, your loving and respectful marriage also deepens your love and reverence for God, and then the rewards are innumerable!

( I am a member of Thomas Nelson's Book Review Blogger program http://brb.thomasnelson.com/).

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs.

In Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs uses Ephesians 5:33 "However, each one of you [husband] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33 NIV)" and dissected it to show that the love a wife longs for and the respect a husband yearns for mutually compliments each other in order to build a solid foundation of a marriage.

In Chapter One, the author shared on how, as a pastor, out of his need to counsel couples, that in 1998, God gave him the insight to see the inter-connectivity between love and respect. In this chapter too, I find that the author was honest enough to share to the readers of his own hard and difficult times that he had with his wife, Sarah. The author made no attempt to hide his own weaknesses or appears as one whose marriage is perfect, without struggles. As the author said, the problem with life is that it is so daily, so routine that we may take our spouses for granted.

The first seven chapters form the first part and this basically deals on the problems husbands and wives face. While it is good that the author shared many real life examples, nevertheless, I find that there are just too many testimonies and stories. And this has made the reading of this part very tedious and lengthy. Probably the author could have saved some of these testimonies to be included in an online supplementary section or in a blog or in the Love and Respect website, etc. Having too many testimonies tend to result in a loss of focus of the gist of the message.

Part 2 (chapters 8 - 22) is about the energizing cycle, where the author spelled out the six aspects of the love that a husband needs to show to his wife, and the six aspects of the respect that the wife ought to give to her husband.

The love that a husband should show to his wife can be defined by the acronym C-O-U-P-L-E. Whereas the respect that a wife should give to her husband can be defined by the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S.

A side note: on page 156, the author said that God intended for some conflict to exist in a marriage. When my wife and I sat down together to discuss on this, we find it hard to agree with the author on this statement. While God can turn a conflict into a victory, conflict exists, rather, as a result of the Fall back in Genesis.

Nonetheless, I still do find this book to be pretty useful. To me personally, the greatest value of this book lies in the concrete and specific suggestions and steps found at the back of each of the chapters dealing with "C-O-U-P-L-E" and "C-H-A-I-R-S". I find these suggestions to be very helpful, and can be easily turn into a-resolution-a-day kind of exercise. In other words, this book is actually more of a "to-do" book rather than a "to-read" book. As such, this book, should be more concise, direct to the point, focused, trimmed down, and should include more interactive features and questions for the readers to think and to reflect as they go along.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

decent work

The principles in this book are great. The different primary needs between men and women are addressed very well by Dr. Eggerichs. I did get aggravated at times with how many times he would say the same thing over and over and over. I believe that the first seven chapters could have easily been written as one because it seems to be the same thing over and over. I did think that the COUPLES and CHAIRS suggestions for men and women in this work was good. There was a good use of Scripture (not very surprising since Dr. Eggerichs is a former pastor).

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Useful but too wordy

The "Love and Respect" concept is great, very useful and helpful in marriage. However, about 75% of the book is just testimonials and encouragement. It's not that difficult a concept, and though we need to hear it and understand it, it shouldn't take nearly this many pages to do it.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Love & Respect is the book on deciphering the misunderstood embedded codes that husbands and wives speak at each other.

My wife picked out this book, and I am thankful she did!!!

This is key to understand where blue (husbands) and pink (wives) misunderstand one another. As I look back at my first marriage, I see where a lot of things went dreadfully wrong. I did not understand her cries and screams for love. In return, she did not understand my hollering followed by stonewall silence trying to gain some respect. Talk about a huge miscommunication problem! I now understand in a different light, that I see, hear, and speak blue. That does not always work well with pink, and vice-a-versa. If we communicate only in our natural, God given color will not get the desired results.

Pink can give, recognize, and reward in the language of love very well. That is the main feeling that she wants from her husband. Right ladies? On the other hand, blue can give, recognize, and reward respect, because that is his language. Right fellas? Pink does not naturally speak respect, and blue does not naturally speak love. Ephesians 5:33 states, "Nevertheless, also let each one of YOU individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband." (New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures) It does not state for husbands to respect their wives, on the other hand, the wives should love her husbands. Good-willed husbands respect naturally, and good-willed wives love their husbands naturally. The unnaturally problem is addressed in the scripture above. Love & Respect is the how to guide to decode, and properly give and receive the essential language of love and respect in a marriage.

I prayed over this book before reading it. I needed a different way to look at the communication in my marriage. The answer to my prayer was already in my hands. Now I am able to practice and apply so many other things that I have just recently learned with a much stronger foundation. I truly did laugh out loud, and quietly shed a tear wile reading this wonderfully insightful book by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches; aka Dr. E.

I must say again, that my wife picked out this book, and I am thankful she did!!! Now it is her turn to read it!

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

My Marriage actually improved!

Two months before I read this book I found a business card for a divorce attorney in my husbands wallet. We were on the 'Crazy Cycle' and about to get thrown in opposite directions permanently. After putting into practice the things that I learned in Love and Respect, not only has that business card been thrown away, but our marriage is better than ever. I didn't understand why my husband acted the way he did and not the way I thought he should. The information put forth turned on lightbulbs in my head every day as I understood my husband more and more. It was as if Emmerson had lived with us prior to writing this book. Now I know when to avoid 'The Crazy Cycle' and how to jump off again. This is probably the single greatest marriage book I have ever read. It's written in a way that was understandable, and its the first book I had read that doesn't only talk about 'Love' your husband - which wasn't working for us! My husband would even listen to some sections as I would read aloud to him, and then laugh and say, 'Yep, thats you!' But he listened and also adjusted his reactions to things. Without the insights this book brought to my marriage, instead of sitting around the dinner table as a family tonight, we may have been sitting in divorce court. For that I will be forever grateful. Read this book - even if you're not having marital problems - it will help you understand your spouse in ways you have never imagined!

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Highly Recommended!

This is a book for every couple! It's for those who are having a hard time in their marriage and for those who aren't. It's absolutely amazing! My friend and her husband have benefited tremendously from this book. They were separated and now they are getting back together! It's also helped my marriage to become even stronger! Thank you Dr. Eggerichs!

Pulled the wool from my eyes

I read this book because I felt that my marriage wasn't as happy as it could be. That my husband and I weren't as close as we could be. This book has helped me more than I can describe. As I sit and write this review I feel so much happier in my marriage. I respect my husband and I can see how much he needs to feel respected, and how important it is for me to show him that I do respect him. I feel like he really loves me again, like he really values me. All he needed was a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T (haha). I'm so glad to be on this journey with him with the tools I've been given through this book. Thank you Dr. Emerson!