Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

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Overview


A Marriage Book with a Difference!


A Revolutionary Message
“I’ve been married 35 years and have not heard this taught.”
  • “This is the key that I have been missing.”
  • “You connected all the dots for me.”
  • “As a counselor, I have never been so excited about any material.”
  • ...
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Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

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Overview


A Marriage Book with a Difference!


A Revolutionary Message
“I’ve been married 35 years and have not heard this taught.”
  • “This is the key that I have been missing.”
  • “You connected all the dots for me.”
  • “As a counselor, I have never been so excited about any material.”
  • “You’re on to something huge here.”

A Simple Message
A wife has one driving need—to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy.A husband has one driving need—to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy.When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy. Love and Respectreveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal withsuch conflict quickly, easily, and biblically.

A Message That Works
Based on over three decades of counseling, as well as scientific and biblicalresearch, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his wife, Sarah, have already taken the Loveand Respect message across America and are changing the way couples talk to, thinkabout, and treat each other. What do you want for your marriage? Want somepeace? Want to feel close? Want to feel valued? Want to experience marriage theway God intended? Then why not try some Love and Respect.

This groundbreaking book--featured on Focus on the Family's radio program--offers much-needed help to husbands and wives everywhere. Introducing the biblical teaching of unconditional respect, Love and Respect shows readers how to decipher the communication code between male and female.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781591451877
  • Publisher: Nelson, Thomas, Inc.
  • Publication date: 9/7/2004
  • Pages: 336
  • Sales rank: 17,152
  • Product dimensions: 6.54 (w) x 9.46 (h) x 1.12 (d)

Meet the Author

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, an internationally known expert on male-female relationships, presents the Love & Respect conference with his wife, Sarah, both live and by video to more than 50,000 people each year, including groups such as the NFL, PGA, and members of congress. With degrees from Wheaton College and Dubuque Seminary and a PhD from Michigan State, Emerson pastored Trinity Church in Lansing for 19 years. He and Sarah have been married since 1973 and have three children.

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Read an Excerpt

Love & Respect

The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs
By Emerson Eggerichs

INTEGRITY PUBLISHERS

Copyright © 2004 Emerson Eggerichs
All right reserved.

ISBN: 1-59145-187-6


Chapter One


The Simple Secret to a Better Marriage

How can I get my husband to love me as much as I love him?" This was the basic question I heard from wife after wife who came to me for counseling during the almost twenty years I pastored a growing congregation. My heart broke for wives as they wept and told me their stories. Women are so tender. On many occasions I sat there with tears rolling down my cheeks. At the same time I became irked with husbands. Why couldn't they see what they were doing to their wives? Was there some way I could help wives motivate these husbands to love them more?

I felt all this deeply because I had been a child in an unhappy home. My parents divorced when I was one. Later they remarried each other, but when I was five, they separated again. They came back together when I was in third grade, and my childhood years were filled with memories of yelling and unsettling tension. I saw and heard things that are permanently etched in my soul, and I would cry myself to sleep at times. I remember feeling a deep sadness. I wet the bed until age eleven and was sent off to military school at age thirteen, where I stayed until I graduated.

As I look back on how my parents lived a life of almost constant conflict, I can see the root issue of their unhappiness. It wasn't hard to see that my mom was crying out for love and my dad desperately wanted respect.

Mom taught acrobatics, tap dance, and swimming, which gave her a good income and enabled her to live independently of Dad's resources. Dad was left feeling that Mom could get along fine without him, and she would often send him that message. She made financial decisions without consulting him, which made him feel insignificant, as if he didn't matter. Because he was offended, he would react to her in unloving ways. He was sure Mom did not respect him. Dad would get angry over certain things, none of which I am able to recall. Mom's spirit would be crushed, and she would just exit the room. This dynamic between the two of them was my way of life in childhood and into my teenage years.

As a teenager I heard the gospel-that God loved me, He had a plan for my life, and I needed to ask forgiveness for my sins to receive Christ into my heart and experience eternal life. I did just that, and my whole world changed when I became a follower of Jesus.

After graduation from military school, I applied to Wheaton College because I believed God was calling me into the ministry. When I was a freshman at Wheaton, my mother, father, sister, and brother-in-law received Christ as Savior. A change began in our family, but the scars didn't go away. Mom and Dad are now in heaven, and I thank God for their eternal salvation. There is no bitterness in my heart, but only much hurt and sadness. I sensed during my childhood, and I can clearly see now, that both of my parents were reacting to each other defensively. Their problem was they could offend each other most easily, but they had no tools to make a few minor adjustments that could turn off their "flamethrowers."

While at Wheaton, I met a sanguine gal who brought light into every room she entered. Sarah was the most positive, loving, and others-focused person I had ever met. She had been Miss Congeniality of Boone County, Indiana. She was whole and holy. She loved the Lord and desired to serve Him only. She should have had a ton of baggage from the divorce that had torn her family, but she did not let it defile her spirit. Instead, she had chosen to move on. Not only was she attractive, but I knew I could wake up every day next to a friend.

The Jean Jacket "Disagreement"

I proposed to Sarah when we were both still in college, and she said yes. While still engaged we got a hint of how husbands and wives can get into arguments over practically nothing. That first Christmas Sarah made me a jean jacket. I opened the box, held up the jacket, and thanked her.

"You don't like it," she said.

I looked at her with great perplexity and answered, "I do too like it."

Adamant, she said, "No, you don't. You aren't excited."

Taken aback, I sternly repeated, "I do too like it."

She shot back. "No, you don't. If you liked it, you would be excited and thanking me a lot. In my family we say, 'Oh my, just what I wanted!' There is enthusiasm. Christmas is a huge time, and we show it."

That was our introduction to how Sarah and Emerson respond to gifts. Sarah will thank people a dozen times when something touches her deeply. Because I did not profusely thank her, she assumed I was being polite but could hardly wait to drop off the jacket at a Salvation Army collection center. She was sure I did not value what she had done and did not appreciate her. As for me, I felt judged for failing to be and act in a certain way. I felt as if I were unacceptable. The whole jacket scenario took me by complete surprise.

During the jean jacket episode, though neither of us clearly discerned it at the time, Sarah was feeling unloved and I was feeling disrespected. I knew Sarah loved me, but she, on the other hand, had begun wondering if I felt about her as she felt about me. At the same time, when she reacted to my "unenthusiastic" response to receiving the jacket, I felt as if she didn't really like who I was. While we didn't express this, nonetheless, these feelings of being unloved and disrespected had already begun to crop up inside.

We were married in 1973 while I was completing my master's degree in communication from Wheaton Graduate School. From there we went to Iowa to do ministry, and I completed a master's of divinity from Dubuque Seminary. In Iowa, another pastor and I started a Christian counseling center. During this time, I began a serious study of male and female differences. I could feel empathy for my counseling clients because Sarah and I, too, experienced the tension of being male and female.

You Can Be Right but Wrong at the Top of Your Voice For example, Sarah and I are very different regarding social interaction. Sarah is nurturing, very interpersonal, and loves to talk to people about many things. After Sarah is with people, she is energized. I tend to be analytical and process things more or less unemotionally. I get energized by studying alone for several hours. When I am with people socially, I interact cordially but am much less relational than Sarah.

One night as we were driving home from a small group Bible study, Sarah expressed some strong feelings that had been building up in her over several weeks.

"You were boring in our Bible study tonight," she said, almost angrily. "You intimidate people with your silence. And when you do talk, you sometimes say something insensitive. What you said to the new couple came across poorly."

I was taken aback but tried to defend myself. "what are you talking about? I was trying to listen to people and understand what they were saying."

Sarah's answer went up several more decibels. "You need to make people feel more relaxed and comfortable." (The decibels rose some more.) "You need to draw them out." (Now Sarah was almost shouting.) "Don't be so into yourself!"

I didn't respond for a few seconds because I was feeling put down, not only by what she said but by her demeanor and her tone. I replied, "Sarah, you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice."

Sarah recalls that our conversation that night in the car was life-changing for her. She may have been accurate in her assessment of how I was acting around people, but her delivery was overkill. We both dealt with things in our lives due to that conversation. (We still sometimes remind one another, "You know, you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice.") Overall, I think Sarah has improved more from that conversation than I have. Just this past week she coached me on being more sensitive to someone. (And this is after more than thirty years in the ministry!)

That early episode in our marriage planted more seeds of what I would later be able to describe and articulate. I knew Sarah loved me and her outburst was caused by her desire to help me. She wanted me to appreciate her concern and understand that she was only doing it out of love, but the bottom line was I felt disrespected, attacked, and defensive. Over the years, we continued to grapple with this same problem. She would voice her concern about something I was not focusing on as I should. ("Did you return so-and-so's phone call? Did you jot a note to so-and-so?") I would do my best to improve, but occasionally I would slip back, making her feel that I did not value her input.

And Then I Forgot Her Birthday

A few more years went by, and Sarah's birthday was coming up. She was thinking about how I would respond-would I even remember? She always remembered birthdays, but birthdays weren't big on my radar screen. She knew she would never forget my birthday, because she loved me dearly. She wondered, however, if I would celebrate her birthday. She was thinking, Does he hold me in his heart the way I hold him in mine?

So what she did was not done in a mean spirit. She was simply trying to discover things about me and men in general. She knew that forgetfulness was a common problem, and she was just being curious. As an experiment, she hid all the birthday cards that had arrived before her birthday. No hints of her birthday existed anywhere, and I was going along in my usual fog, studying and thinking. On her birthday I had lunch with a friend. That evening as Sarah and I had dinner, she softly asked, "So, did you and Ray celebrate my birthday today?"

I can't describe exactly what goes on inside the human body at a moment like that. But it felt as if my blood went out of my heart, down to my feet, and then shot full force into my face. How would I ever explain this one?

I hemmed and I hawed, but I couldn't explain forgetting Sarah's birthday. My forgetfulness had been unloving, and I could see that she was hurt. But at the same time, I had these strange feelings. Yes, I had been wrong to forget, but I hadn't ignored her birthday intentionally. I felt judged, put down-and rightly so. At the time, I couldn't describe my feelings with a word like disrespected. During those years, when the feminists were going full blast, men didn't talk about being disrespected by women. That would have been arrogant, and in church circles it would have been considered a terrible lack of humility.

Loving Times and Spats of Ugliness

The years rolled by-a blur of preaching, pastoring, and counseling more married couples. Sarah and I continued to grow in our marriage as we learned more and more about one another, and we had a lot of great times. But along with the loving times were spots (should I say spats?) of ugliness. Nothing was long term; we would almost always pray together afterward, asking forgiveness from one another as well as from the Lord. But what did it all mean? Where was our marriage going? After all, I was a pastor who was paid to be "good." How could I justify all my little slip-ups that were "good for nothing"?

As someone has said, the problem with life is that it's so daily. And Saran and I irritated each other almost daily with bad habits we couldn't shake. One of mine was leaving wet towels on the bed. At least once a month Sarah would be angry about my wet towel. And every three months or so, I would start drifting back into being preoccupied with other things, neglecting certain duties, and forgetting certain requests. When she would critique me, tension would arise and I would come across as blaming her or making excuses.

Sarah periodically coughs and clears her throat, and early on in our marriage when we would be praying, I would get irritated by her coughing. How childish could I be? We were praying to the Lord of heaven, and I was bothered by something she couldn't help. Other times, she wanted me to praise the Lord when I was frustrated. Frankly, I didn't always want to praise the Lord, so did that make me less spiritual? When she was frustrated, I didn't tell her to praise the Lord! Didn't that make me less judgmental and more spiritual?

Tension has a way of tearing down your self-image. On the heels of confrontation, I felt I could never be good enough. And on the heels of family conflict, Sarah felt she was a failure as a mother and wife. As with all couples, the specifics that prompted these tensions weighed heavily on us as a couple. Indeed, life can be "so daily."

It is not Sarah's first choice to travel, study, and teach because that is not her gifting, though she is willing to go for the sake of our ministry. I can't stand fixing things that break in the home since that's not my talent. So I usually complain when trying to fix something which doesn't get fixed anyway (and that's why I didn't want to do it in the first place!).

I share all these little "secrets" about my wife and me to let you know that we do not deliver our message on marriage from any pedestal of perfection. We have struggled on many fronts and will continue to do so, but now we struggle knowing we can win! Over the years, ever so slowly, we have discovered the "secret" that has made all the difference for us (and for many other couples).

The "Secret" Hidden in Ephesians 5:33

For more than twenty years I had the privilege of studying the Bible thirty hours a week for my pulpit ministry. I also earned a PhD in family studies, plus a master's in communication. I had a lot of formal training, but when this illumination from Scripture exploded in my heart and mind one day in 1998, it simply blew me away. I literally exclaimed, "Glory to God!" The insight that I finally recognized in Scripture, and which I later confirmed from reading scientific research, explained why Sarah and I would get into our arguments. I finally saw very clearly why Sarah could be crushed by my words and actions, just as my mom had been crushed by my dad. And Sarah could say things that would send me through the roof, just as my mom had said things that would send my dad through the roof.

What was the secret? Actually, it was not a secret at all. This passage of Scripture has been there for some two thousand years for all of us to see. In Ephesians 5:33, Paul writes, "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (NIV).

Of course, I had read that verse many times. I had even preached on that verse when conducting marriage ceremonies. But somehow I had never seen the connection between love and respect. Paul is clearly saying that wives need love and husbands need respect. As I started sharing my secret in messages and later in seminars and conferences, I would often run into people who would say something like, "This Love and Respect Connection sounds good, Emerson, but isn't it a little theoretical? We have real problems-money problems, sex problems, how to raise the kids ..."

As I will show throughout this book, the Love and Respect Connection is the key to any problem in a marriage. This is not just a nice little theory to which I added a few Bible verses. How the need for love and the need for respect play off of one another in a marriage has everything to do with the kind of marriage you will have.

How God Revealed the Love and Respect Connection

In the beginning, when I was struggling to find help for other marriages as well as for my own, I was not searching for any "Love and Respect Connection." But that connection surfaced as I pondered what Ephesians 5:33 is saying. My thought process went something like this: "A husband is to obey the command to love even if his wife does not obey this command to respect, and a wife is to obey the command to respect even if the husband does not obey the command to love."

So far, so good. Then I reasoned further: "A husband is even called to love a disrespectful wife, and a wife is called to respect an unloving husband. There is no justification for a husband to say, 'I will love my wife after she respects me' nor for a wife to say, 'I will respect my husband after he loves me.'"

(Continues...)



Excerpted from Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Copyright © 2004 by Emerson Eggerichs. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 200 )
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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 202 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 11, 2010

    Essential insights, but much is missing

    I believe in gender differences, and I believe that Biblical passages on marriage reflect those differences. God calls me to submit to my husband. God calls my husband to sacrifice for me. My submission and my husband's sacrifice are gender-nuanced reflections of our mutual obedience to God.

    Reading Love and Respect helped me to understand those differences. The Crazy Cycle is an insightful description of the breakdown in communication that happens in all too many marriages. And, the author does an absolutely outstanding job of explaining how a wife can do her part to end the Crazy Cycle. By this I mean the author's discussion of what respect and submission look like in the contemporary cultural context, as well as the author's explanations of the importance of a wife's respect to her husband. I encourage every wife to read and apply the material in the CHAIRS chapters.

    However, my husband and I are in agreement that Love and Respect does at best an incomplete job of describing what it means for a husband to love his wife and to sacrifice for her. It's not that we disagree with what Eggerichs does say. Far from it! God calls husbands to cleave to their wives, and COUPLE describes what that looks like. But, much is missing from Eggerichs' counsel to husbands, and we think that what's missing is very important.

    Let me begin by explaining why I found Eggerichs' counsel to wives to be so valuable. Six years after reading the book, I continue to go back to the CHAIRS principles. Each time, I leave with new insights into how my husband is wired and why God calls me to show him respect. I've been amazed at how my respect empowers me. It opens my husband's heart to hear me and to respond to me. By design, it is God's tool for motivating my husband. It is how I as a wife am to respond to my husband in ways that nourish the one-flesh unity implied by the Head/Body metaphor.

    But, my husband and I can't say the same about the counsel to husbands. The most glaring omission is in the area of sexuality. In the CHAIRS material, Eggerichs does a masterful job of explaining to wives, the immediacy of their husbands' sex drives. However, there is no corresponding treatment of female sexuality. Rather than painting a beautiful picture of a husband wooing his wife with sensitivity and a wife joyfully responding to her husband's initiative, sex is implicitly portrayed as something to which a wife submits (or, alternatively, something to check off her to-do list). Here, the author's writing reflects not so much the mutuality of I Corinthians 7, but the tit-for-tat exchange that underlies Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs.

    My husband's observation is that there isn't much sacrifice in the COUPLE teaching. Husbands are to spend a few minutes each day connecting with their wives and listening with empathy as their wives share the report of the day, realizing and releasing their emotions in the process. Wives are assured that when there is a decision to be made, loving husbands will consider their input. But, in the COUPLE teaching, husbands are not counseled that they should consider their wives' input and/or make sacrifices for their wives. Rather, the focus is on the importance of husbands tolerating the emotionality of their wives.

    37 out of 40 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 2, 2008

    A reviewer

    I dont think I've ever read a bigger load of BS. The author has it in for women and blames them for everything, using the bible as his justification. As an example, he tells about how he completely forgot his wifes birthday, and then goes on to say that he felt judged and put down and therefore disrespected. WHAT!?!?! He forgets her birthday, and he accuses her of disrespect??? I struggled through the whole book, and he makes some good points, but continually asserts that women are the problem in most marriages and most marital problems can be solved if women just show more respect for their husbands, even if it isnt earned. Women should be secondary to their spouses and let the man make the decisions. Women are portrayed as screeching witches and the men are just clueless and sulky. I dont screetch at my husband, and he doesnt give me the silent treatment when he's mad. Even when the author made a good point, like encouraging men to apologize -and he acknowledges that this is very difficult for most men to do- he wrecks his whole effort by then pointing out that saying your sorry often leads to sex. So, is that why men should say they are sorry? To get us into bed? In my house, all family members treat each other with respect. And I would not stay married to a man who didnt respect me. Ladies, its not all your fault. Love and respect should be mutual. Its not about you respecting him first so that he will love you. Thats crap. Instead of reading this garbage, learn to respect yourself first.

    32 out of 42 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted August 25, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Not Excellent

    So, I've been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs this week, and, to be fair, his premise is great. Working from Ephesians 5:33, Eggerichs argues that women need love and men need respect and that the amount of love and respect in a marriage will determine it's success or failure.
    Eggerichs goes with the "respect" translation here instead of "submission," a decision that, I think, eventually weakens his case. It's very possible for a woman to submit to a man who often disappoints her, but much harder for a woman to respect that man. She can act respectfully.
    Anyway, I agree with Eggerichs that men need to be valued and admired and treated with respect. I also agree that women need to be loved. I wonder though if men do really prefer respect to love. My husband said he didn't think that was true for him (which really undercuts the value of my reading the book) and my preacher said from the pulpit the other night that he'd prefer to be loved than respected. That's certainly not exhaustive research, but it makes me wonder.
    Overall, I think this book fails to execute on an excellent idea primarily because of what seems like a serious bias against women. I posted this possibility on facebook and quickly heard from multiple women who felt the same way. For example, at one point Eggerichs advises men: "Be willing to take a hit from your wife. You won't die (although at times death may seem preferable)." Similarly, throughout the book he casts women as "usually the ones who are criticizers" and men as unwitting victims, at worst fools.
    Eggerichs tells a story about a man who buys his wife a birthday card for their anniversary and very obviously defends the husband. He even says the wife is "assassinating his character" when she suggests that he might love his car more than he loves her-a car he obsesses over in detail. I'm sorry, but I don't buy it. That guy had it coming. And, maybe I'm crazy, but a statement of fact doesn't seem like a character assassination.
    My other major criticism is that much of the book reads like an advertisement for itself, regularly citing letters from fans that often seem out of place.
    Also, the writing's not so great. Some metaphors just seem very forced (pink and blue hearing aids, deer trampling love tank air hoses.).
    Having said all of that, I still think a book on this topic is important. Women do need to understand how much men need respect (or submission) and men do need a reminder that their wives need love. I just think a more balanced, more skillful presentation is in order.

    13 out of 17 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 2, 2008

    A reviewer

    This is the best book on understanding what I've been 'saying' to my wife for all these years...as well as what she's been saying to me. However, if you're a man reading this review and thinking about getting this book...be ready to get humbled. Saving your marriage is about loving your wife and being able to do that whether she respects you or not. If you're a woman reading this review and thinking about getting this book...be ready to also be humbled. Respecting your husband is about doing so even if you don't feel loved at the time. When us men and woman understand what signals we're sending to each other and how to 'decode' them...only then will WE be able to move forward in repairing a damaged marriage...or build a stronger marriage that is already pretty well off. If men read this and only see it as their wives are at fault for every thing...THEN they really didn't read the book...I'm a man and saw ME all over the problem. The same goes for women. To clarify for the women...if you feel Emerson is only pointing out that women are at fault for their marriage being in trouble...then you really didn't read the book. My parents have been married for over 47 years...spent over 30 years in full time ministry together as senior pastor/wife team...and counseled 100's of couples...they too found this book full of tools for their marriage!!!

    5 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted May 29, 2010

    I Also Recommend:

    Very good book which will challenge the way you think

    Love and Respect is a personally challenging book which looks at the husband and wife relationship in a Biblical way. The concepts shared and brought to light are very different than the typical marriage/relationship books focused exclusively on Love. It will challenge the reader to consider the needs of each partner in a different, and Biblical way. We are using the book as the basis for a small group study within our church and it is creating great conversation and learnings. I highly recommend the book for anyone looking to better understand the needs of their spouse and wants to strenghen their relationship.

    3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 10, 2009

    Different

    This is a different take on marriage relationship and from a male standpoint very easily understood and practiced. I understand from the other half that it is fairly difficult to relate and points out things that they never thought of.

    3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted August 14, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Patronizing...

    I have always viewed books on relationships to be a little off. They always tend to lean in one direction. But I wanted to give this one a fair shot and I went into it with a clear mind.

    This book revolves around the idea that women need to show respect and men need to show love. And it stops there. It left a bad taste in my mouth. I know many women that deserve respect and many men that crave love. However this isn't explored. It may have worked at some point, but men like women with a soft side, that don't just say "YES SIR"

    Once I realized this would be the context of the book, I moved on and accepted that each gender would be taught how to do those specific roles. Not quite the case. This book was written to essentially teach women how to respect the man. Any man that picks up this book will not be given ways on how to love a women. They will just be reinforced on the notion that they "deserve" respect.

    Eggerichs example on how women prefer pink and men prefer blue (while some do) seems a bit outdated to me. While, yes, you go into an office for a woman and it has light colours, and an office for a man is usually draped in dark wood, it's not like that is ALL they like. It made me laugh as I looked around my own office, then went to visit my husbands.

    I found the following statement in this book rather irritating as well: "this is how a woman's mind works" Really? You spoke with EVERY woman. You can't even make that statement about men, how does he think it applies to women, who are typically more complex!!

    I am not saying this book does not make good points. It does. But for me it was a little patronizing. And that would be fine, it is was the point of the book. But the whole point was to show BOTH sides of the issue and present them in a realistic way. A way that works with todays families. This point was missed in this book.

    My advice to people, stop reading these books, and actually listed and talk to your partner.

    3 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 22, 2008

    Good Concept-Poor Read

    After sitting down numerous times to try and get through this book I give up. I love the concept and message it sends but page after page seems to be saying the same thing. I get it...respect my husband...husband-love thy wife. I thought maybe it would get better the farther I got through the book but it didn't. I'm sure the message is great at a conference, but for a full blown book it gets a little lengthy. Best part of the book is the letters sent in from various wives/husbands.

    3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 30, 2005

    Decent but major flaws

    While i do not disagree with the idea that women need love and that men need respect i disagree with the way it is presented. I love the clock frame he presents that without love she reacts without respect - without respect he reacts without love. That is a truth that a couple can live by, and i believe enrich their relationship with. That said, i want to comment on 2 weaknesses i found so over powering it ruined most of the book for me. First off he repeats himself way too much. I understand the message is important, and as stated i DO agree with it, however when i could sum up a 12 page chapter in 3/4 page because it repeats itself so much it becomes tiresome and boring. The thing i found most upseting about the book was the fact that women seemed to be attacked. While i agree that we can be very critical at times, and hard to deal with it seems that Dr. Eggerichs has it in for women. I noticed his chapters present situations where women are clearly at fault and he openly pins it on them. In particular in the 2nd chapter he says that women continually criticize, yell, and put down their husbands. He says that men do the 'honorable thing' by walking away or staying quiet, which angers women more and causes problems. He refers to mens actions as honorable and right, and women as critical and cruel. I also found he was quick to actually write that the causes of fights were the womens faults for criticizing in the first place. Dr Eggerichs believes that despite not feeling love women should show respect (which i do agree with) however he never calls men to the helm to show love even if they do not feel respect. I do believe the general concept can help marriages, but i do not promote the way he addresses it.

    3 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 22, 2011

    Love&Respect...sure if you're Doris Day

    Couldn't even finish this book. Dr. Eggerichs's theories about Love & Respect between husband and wife are completely one sided. The lovely wife is to make sure to show respect to her darling husband by transporting herself into a "Leave it to Beaver" marathon hope to God that life is always perfect otherwise she may show disrespect to her hubby. In almost every situation used in this book was how the wife was always showing disrespect to her husband resulting in his unloving behavior towards her. Interesting how the wife is made the villain. Dr. Eggerichs change the channel please. Oh wait guess that was disrespectful. Oops. Note: I was required to give a rating to provide the review. This book doesn't deserve any stars.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted May 16, 2010

    Excellent book

    I read 10 books about marriage in 2009 and this was by far the most informative. It contains the most practical, useful,and applicable advice I have read to date. Dr. Eggerichs writes with great clarity and uses real stories very effectively to inform his readers and support his premises. I thought so well of the book that I gave one to my niece who is soon to be married. I highly recommend it for anyone experiencing conflict in their marriage or for anyone is comtemplating marriage.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 24, 2009

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    I Also Recommend:

    Love & Respect is a phenomenal book that gets right to the point....

    I think this book is extrememly well written and gets straight to the point. If you and your husband are having some difficulties in marriage or you just want to educate yourself on marriage, please invest in this phenomenal book. I have learned so much from it and I would refer anyone to take the time to read this book. There is such a lack of knowledge this day and age in regards to marriage and what really makes a marriage work. Respect your husband and in return he will love you. Love your wife and in return she will respect you...

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 28, 2011

    more from this reviewer

    Great Self-Help Book for Couples

    Love & Respect is a wonderful read and help for couples.
    I was blessed to review this book and hoped that it would
    help me on my already rocky second marriage of 8 years.
    I never understood men, yet tried my best as a wife to be
    a help mate for my spouse. Dr. Eggerichs shares his stories
    and combines them with scriptural references as examples
    for his readers. I can see why our husbands need our res
    pect and I never saw things that way in our marriage. But
    I believe that husbands should respect their wives in order
    to get it back in return. It has changed the way I look at
    our marriage and how I'll approach things with my spouse.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 14, 2010

    Hard to Read

    Although I am not involved in a romantic relationship, I do have a few men in my life (father, brothers, friends), and I do hope to eventually marry. So, I thought this would be a good book... Unfortunately, I found it hard to get through. It was difficult to want to read because it didn't seem like Dr. Eggerichs had done enough research. I think most people would agree with what he's trying to say about loving and respecting one another, and I believe that we all need to be reminded of that sometimes. However, I just don't feel like he went about it the right way, and that he should have put more research into the book. That said, I'd give it a 3 out of 5.

    1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted December 19, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Love & Respect

    This is a great book about marriage. The idea behind the book is that a wife's need for unconditional love is just as important to her as as her husband's need for unconditional respect is to him. Here's the book: women want to be loved, men want to be respected. But whenever that desire is unmet, we typically respond by withholding the very thing our spouse desires most.

    I give 5 stars to Love & Respect.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 12, 2009

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    I Also Recommend:

    Get Off the Crazy Cycle and Keep Your Marriage Energized!

    All married couples can benefit from reading Love and Respect. In this book, Dr. Eggerichs shares a simple but complex secret to a long and happy marriage: when a husband loves his wife, then his wife will respect him. This secret, first shared by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 5, is easier said than done because the opposite is also true: when a husband is unloving toward his wife, then she reacts in ways that her husband feels is disrespectful, then he becomes more unloving, and she becomes more disrespectful: they get into what is called the "Crazy Cycle" and round-and-round they go. Dr. Eggerichs shares practical advice for getting off the crazy cycle and starting to live life to the fullest on the "Energizing Cycle."

    Through everyday examples backed up by Biblical truths, Dr. Eggerichs shares that these basic needs - love and respect - can be met through self-less communication and actions by both the husband and the wife. These practical practices form two easy to remember acrostics C-O-U-P-L-E-S and C-H-A-I-R-S that can work if you do the work: Emerson shares how these self-less truths have turned bad marriages into good ones and good marriages into great ones. In part 3 of the book, "The Rewarded Cycle," Eggerichs' most important point is this: your marriage really has nothing to do with your spouse, but has everything to do with your relationship to Christ. When you look at it that way, your loving and respectful marriage also deepens your love and reverence for God, and then the rewards are innumerable!

    ( I am a member of Thomas Nelson's Book Review Blogger program http://brb.thomasnelson.com/).

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 4, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs.

    In Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs uses Ephesians 5:33 "However, each one of you [husband] also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33 NIV)" and dissected it to show that the love a wife longs for and the respect a husband yearns for mutually compliments each other in order to build a solid foundation of a marriage.

    In Chapter One, the author shared on how, as a pastor, out of his need to counsel couples, that in 1998, God gave him the insight to see the inter-connectivity between love and respect. In this chapter too, I find that the author was honest enough to share to the readers of his own hard and difficult times that he had with his wife, Sarah. The author made no attempt to hide his own weaknesses or appears as one whose marriage is perfect, without struggles. As the author said, the problem with life is that it is so daily, so routine that we may take our spouses for granted.

    The first seven chapters form the first part and this basically deals on the problems husbands and wives face. While it is good that the author shared many real life examples, nevertheless, I find that there are just too many testimonies and stories. And this has made the reading of this part very tedious and lengthy. Probably the author could have saved some of these testimonies to be included in an online supplementary section or in a blog or in the Love and Respect website, etc. Having too many testimonies tend to result in a loss of focus of the gist of the message.

    Part 2 (chapters 8 - 22) is about the energizing cycle, where the author spelled out the six aspects of the love that a husband needs to show to his wife, and the six aspects of the respect that the wife ought to give to her husband.

    The love that a husband should show to his wife can be defined by the acronym C-O-U-P-L-E. Whereas the respect that a wife should give to her husband can be defined by the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S.

    A side note: on page 156, the author said that God intended for some conflict to exist in a marriage. When my wife and I sat down together to discuss on this, we find it hard to agree with the author on this statement. While God can turn a conflict into a victory, conflict exists, rather, as a result of the Fall back in Genesis.

    Nonetheless, I still do find this book to be pretty useful. To me personally, the greatest value of this book lies in the concrete and specific suggestions and steps found at the back of each of the chapters dealing with "C-O-U-P-L-E" and "C-H-A-I-R-S". I find these suggestions to be very helpful, and can be easily turn into a-resolution-a-day kind of exercise. In other words, this book is actually more of a "to-do" book rather than a "to-read" book. As such, this book, should be more concise, direct to the point, focused, trimmed down, and should include more interactive features and questions for the readers to think and to reflect as they go along.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted September 26, 2009

    decent work

    The principles in this book are great. The different primary needs between men and women are addressed very well by Dr. Eggerichs. I did get aggravated at times with how many times he would say the same thing over and over and over. I believe that the first seven chapters could have easily been written as one because it seems to be the same thing over and over. I did think that the COUPLES and CHAIRS suggestions for men and women in this work was good. There was a good use of Scripture (not very surprising since Dr. Eggerichs is a former pastor).

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 5, 2009

    Useful but too wordy

    The "Love and Respect" concept is great, very useful and helpful in marriage. However, about 75% of the book is just testimonials and encouragement. It's not that difficult a concept, and though we need to hear it and understand it, it shouldn't take nearly this many pages to do it.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted June 25, 2009

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    I Also Recommend:

    Love & Respect is the book on deciphering the misunderstood embedded codes that husbands and wives speak at each other.

    My wife picked out this book, and I am thankful she did!!!

    This is key to understand where blue (husbands) and pink (wives) misunderstand one another. As I look back at my first marriage, I see where a lot of things went dreadfully wrong. I did not understand her cries and screams for love. In return, she did not understand my hollering followed by stonewall silence trying to gain some respect. Talk about a huge miscommunication problem! I now understand in a different light, that I see, hear, and speak blue. That does not always work well with pink, and vice-a-versa. If we communicate only in our natural, God given color will not get the desired results.

    Pink can give, recognize, and reward in the language of love very well. That is the main feeling that she wants from her husband. Right ladies? On the other hand, blue can give, recognize, and reward respect, because that is his language. Right fellas? Pink does not naturally speak respect, and blue does not naturally speak love. Ephesians 5:33 states, "Nevertheless, also let each one of YOU individually so love his wife as he does himself; on the other hand, the wife should have deep respect for her husband." (New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures) It does not state for husbands to respect their wives, on the other hand, the wives should love her husbands. Good-willed husbands respect naturally, and good-willed wives love their husbands naturally. The unnaturally problem is addressed in the scripture above. Love & Respect is the how to guide to decode, and properly give and receive the essential language of love and respect in a marriage.

    I prayed over this book before reading it. I needed a different way to look at the communication in my marriage. The answer to my prayer was already in my hands. Now I am able to practice and apply so many other things that I have just recently learned with a much stronger foundation. I truly did laugh out loud, and quietly shed a tear wile reading this wonderfully insightful book by Dr. Emerson Eggeriches; aka Dr. E.

    I must say again, that my wife picked out this book, and I am thankful she did!!! Now it is her turn to read it!

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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