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Love and Respect Workbook: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

Love and Respect Workbook: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

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by Emerson Eggerichs

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Based upon Ephesians 5:33 and extensive biblical and psychological research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs reveals the power of unconditional love and unconditional respect and how husbands and wives can reap the benefits of marriage that God intended.


Based upon Ephesians 5:33 and extensive biblical and psychological research, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs reveals the power of unconditional love and unconditional respect and how husbands and wives can reap the benefits of marriage that God intended.

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Love & Respect Workbook

By Emerson Eggerichs Fritz Ridenour

Thomas Nelson

Copyright © 2007 Dr. Emerson Eggerichs with Fritz Ridenour
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-59145-348-2

Chapter One

In preparation for this session, read the Introduction to Love & Respect ("Love Alone Is Not Enough") and Chapter One, "The Simple Secret to a Better Marriage." The following questions are for use in individual study or study by a husband and wife together. Remember to answer all unmarked questions first, then answer questions marked by the male or female icon (whichever applies to you). Finally, answer the questions with the couple icon, if you're studying with your mate. (Suggestions for anyone planning to use this study with a small group are in Workbook Appendix I, page 201.)

Questions for Chapter One

1 On page 1 of Love & Respect, Emerson "absolutely disagrees" with the Beatles' conclusion that "all you need is love." Emerson goes on to say that five out of ten marriages are ending in divorce because love alone is not enough. Love is vital for the wife, but what we have missed is the husband's need for respect. Love & Respect is all about how the wife can fulfill her need to be loved by giving her husband what he needs-respect.

Do you agree or disagree with the paragraph above? Can a wife get the love she needs simply by showing her husband respect? What if he doesn't deserve respect? Do you think Emerson is talking about conditional respect, or unconditional respect? Put down some of your thoughts here:

* Compare what you wrote. Be aware that this very first question in the workbook could possibly be sensitive, so be cautious as you declare your "firm opinion." If you disagree with each other on the answers to the questions above, hold them until later in this session, when they may come up again.

* * *

2 On pages 2-4 of the book are different testimonial statements by wives who have attended a Love & Respect conference, or read Emerson's books:

"I never ever realized how important, how life-giving, respect was to my husband."

"Just a few days ago, I decided to tell my husband that I respect him. It felt so awkward to say the words, but I went for it and the reaction was unbelievable! ... I watched his demeanor change right before my eyes."

"I wrote my husband two letters about why I respected him. I am amazed at how it has softened him in his response to me."

"I GOT IT! God granted me the power of this revelation of respecting my husband ... [it] has changed everything ... my approach, my response, my relationship to God and my husband."

From your point of view as a spouse, what do these statements say to you?

** As a husband I think:

*** As a wife I think:

* Compare your answers and talk about what you have covered so far. Some couples may find it easier to talk than others-do not force it; be sensitive to each other's feelings. Your study is just getting started, and you should have many good sharing times as you get farther into this workbook.

* * *

3 In an introduction to Part One (page 6), Emerson writes:

"I wrote this book out of desperation that was turned into inspiration. As a pastor, I counseled married couples and could not solve their problems. The major problem heard from wives was, 'He doesn't love me.' Wives are made to love, want to love and expect love. Many husbands fail to deliver. But as I kept studying Scripture and counseling couples, I finally saw the other half of the equation. Husbands weren't saying it much, but they were thinking, She doesn't respect me. Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect. Many wives fail to deliver. The result is that five out of ten marriages land in divorce court (and that includes evangelical Christians).

"As I wrestled with the problem, I finally saw a connection: without love from him, she reacts without respect; without respect from her, he reacts without love. Around and around it goes. I call it the Crazy Cycle-marital craziness that has thousands of couples in its grip."

You will be learning and talking about the Crazy Cycle a lot more as this study progresses, but for now, understand that Crazy Cycles come in all shapes and sizes, as Emerson's daily mail attests. One man caught in a severe Crazy Cycle wrote:

"We were in the middle of one of our fights.... My wife was saying things that made me fume. She had no respect for me at all. I knew she loved me but her belligerence was too much. Fed up, I turned and went into my computer room. I left her screaming in the kitchen."

Granted, the above letter describes a marriage with the Crazy Cycle out of control. But there are other ways to be on the Crazy Cycle or to start one. Here are three more examples, based on mail Emerson has received:

A husband and wife are looking at jewelry together while shopping. The husband points excitedly and says, "Look, honey, I think those earrings are what you're looking for!" Her condescending response: "No, they aren't! Those are yellow gold and I don't like yellow gold; I want white gold!"

A wife greets her husband as he comes in from work. She wants to share what happened that day while she visited a friend. He cuts her short with: "Don't bother me. Traffic was a nightmare. I just want to kick back and watch the news until dinner."

A husband and wife have had a disagreement (the same one they usually have). She wants to talk about it; he clams up. As she badgers him to share his feelings, he picks up a newspaper and is soon engrossed in the sports page.

Choose one or more of the situations reported above. What is going on? Why could the husband feel disrespected or the wife feel unloved?

* Compare notes on the examples above of how the Crazy Cycle can start up (or just keep going). If you don't seem to have a lot to discuss at this point, move on. You are just getting introduced to what the Crazy Cycle is and how it affects marriages.

* * *

4 What is your response to the term, Crazy Cycle? Does it seem to apply to your marriage-at least some of the time?

___ YES ___ NO ___ MAYBE

I think:

Check any of the following that apply.

I see the Crazy Cycle starting up when:

___ a. My spouse appears unreasonable ___ b. I appear unreasonable ___ c. My spouse doesn't make sense ___ d. I don't make sense ___ e. My spouse is harsh and/or critical ___ f. I am harsh and/or critical ___ g. My spouse is inconsiderate ___ h. I am inconsiderate ___ i. We argue about sex, money, in-laws, or __________________ ___ j. My spouse won't talk ___ k. I won't talk ___ l. My spouse talks too much ___ m. I talk too much ___ n. Other (describe your experience or viewpoint):

* Share your answers. Take note of what each of you has checked, but do not get into a lengthy discussion at this time. The main idea is that you both recognize how either of you could start the Crazy Cycle.

* * *

5 In 1 Corinthians 7:28 the apostle Paul writes: "Those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this" (NIV). Did you ever stop to think that all married couples will have trouble? In other words, all married couples take a spin on the Crazy Cycle from time to time. Should couples conclude they have a bad marriage simply because they sometimes have troubles and things get a bit crazy? (Additional commentary is available in Workbook Appendix VI.)

* Share ideas on what each of you thinks about Emerson's claim that there will always be "trouble" of some kind to deal with in marriage. It may be small, it may be huge, but trouble is something that does come up from time to time.

* * *

6 In Chapter One, Emerson recounts his early life and first years of marriage as he and Sarah rode the Crazy Cycle. Reread the story of "The Jean Jacket 'Disagreement'" ( pages 9-10) and analyze what Emerson learned. What was Sarah feeling? What was Emerson feeling?

* Compare what you wrote down. Can either of you relate to this story? Have you had similar things happen?

* * *

7 During an argument after attending a Bible study (book pages 10-11), Emerson responds to Sarah's criticisms by saying: "Sarah, you can be right but wrong at the top of your voice." Does this statement ring a bell for you? Is your spouse ever right but wrong at the top of his/her voice? Are you ever right but wrong at the top of your voice? How does this keep the Crazy Cycle spinning?

* As you discuss this question with each other, the wisest approach is not to accuse your spouse, but to confess the times when you may have been "right but wrong at the top of your voice."

* * *

8 Read the story of "And Then I Forgot Her Birthday" (book page 12). Has something like this happened in your marriage? Did you feel unloved or disrespected? Did your spouse? Think back and describe what happened as you remember it.

* Recalling a forgotten birthday may not make much difference to him, but it will to her. If a husband is the one at fault, he would do well to apologize. For more on how important birthdays and anniversaries are to wives, see Session Eight, page 115.

* * *

9 On pages 13-14 Emerson describes a pattern in his marriage of "Loving Times and Spats of Ugliness." He and Sarah love each other, but they still irritate each other in certain ways-even to this day. Can you relate to their experience? In what way?

* This is another question where you should go easy on each other. Try to identify what happens when the positive times turn negative. Are certain words said? Are certain things done or not done? Always remember the key questions: Does she feel loved? Does he feel respected?

* * *

10 In Song of Solomon 2:15, the lovers resolve to "Catch the foxes ... the little foxes that are ruining the vineyards." In other words, they don't want anything to spoil their relationship. What are some "little foxes" that threaten to spoil your marriage and keep the Crazy Cycle rolling along?

Though we will have "trouble" in marriage (1 Corinthians 7:28), that doesn't mean we should assume trouble is always inevitable. Some trouble can be caused because we have not dealt with the "little foxes" that we know are there. What could you do to reduce some of the crazy negativity that causes unnecessary trouble? Write down some different steps you can take to drive out the "little foxes."

* Share ideas on how to go "fox hunting." Each spouse will do well to think of things he or she needs to do, not what the other spouse needs to do.

* * *

11 In "The 'Secret' Hidden in Ephesians 5:33" (book pages 14-15), Emerson explains how God helped him see the secret to defeating the Crazy Cycle. This secret is in Ephesians 5:33 (NIV):

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

In "How God Revealed the Love & Respect Connection" (book pages 15-17), Emerson explains how his study of Ephesians 5:33 began to show him a definite link between love and respect. He realized that a husband is to obey the command to love even if his wife does not obey the command to respect, and a wife is to obey the command to respect even if the husband does not obey the command to love. As Emerson saw it, Ephesians 5:33 didn't leave much wiggle room. A husband can't say, "I will love my wife after she respects me." Nor can a wife say, "I will respect my husband after he loves me" (see page 16). A husband's love for his wife must be unconditional, and a wife's respect for her husband must also be unconditional.

What do you think? Is there any "wiggle room" in Ephesians 5:33? Many wives believe (some with good reason) that their husbands don't deserve respect. What is Paul saying to wives who may feel like this deep down? (Additional commentary available in Workbook Appendix VI.)

* Keep in mind each other's comfort zone. (For example, some spouses like discussing the meaning of the Greek more than others.) The key point Emerson is making is Ephesians 5:33 clearly teaches that husbands must unconditionally love their wives and wives must unconditionally respect their husbands. This can be new and striking information for a wife, so the husband should be sensitive to her need to process this idea over time.

* * *

12 For more on the concept of unconditional respect, read "Why Love & Respect Are Primary Needs" (book pages 17-19). See especially pages 18-19, which give additional comment on Ephesians 5:33 and then show how 1 Peter 3:1-2 also teaches unconditional respect for husbands. What kind of a husband is Peter talking about? How can a wife feel respect for a man who does not believe, or who is not treating her lovingly? Is she supposed to feel respect, or is Peter asking her to do something else? Write your thoughts below. (For additional interpretation of 1 Peter 3:1 and its application to husbands, see Workbook Appendix II.)

* As you share answers, you may want to just touch on this question. To go into it in depth (see Workbook Appendix II) may be something you want to do at another time. The key point is that 1 Peter 3:1 is a cross-reference support to Ephesians 5:33. Both passages teach unconditional respect for the husband by the wife.

* * *

13 On page 16 of Love & Respect, Emerson relates that he still did not totally understand the Love & Respect Connection until God guided him to see that it is a connection that can be strained or even broken. Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect, he reacts without love-the Crazy Cycle.

Read pages 15-16 again to be sure you follow Emerson's reasoning. Does it make sense? Why or why not? How do his ideas apply to your marriage? Husband, do you think you understand how to love your wife? Wife, are you certain you understand how to respect your husband? What are some examples of how you believe you are doing this?

** I love my wife by:

*** I respect my husband when I:


Excerpted from Love & Respect Workbook by Emerson Eggerichs Fritz Ridenour Copyright © 2007 by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs with Fritz Ridenour . Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Meet the Author

As a researcher, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, who has a PhD in child and family ecology from Michigan State University, garnered the testimonies of thousands of mothers following the release of his New York Times Bestseller, Love & Respect. These moms consistently reported they applied the respect side of the message to their sons with significant effects. Emerson and his wife, Sarah, present the Love and Respect Marriage and Parenting Conferences across the country. Emerson has also spoken to groups from the NFL, NBA, PGA, Navy Seals, and members of congress. He was the senior pastor of Trinity Church in East Lansing, MI for almost twenty years. He and Sarah have been married since 1973 and have three adult children. Emerson also has a BA in Biblical Studies from Wheaton College, an MA in communication from Wheaton College Graduate School, and an MDiv from the University of Dubuque Theological Seminary.

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Love & Respect Workbook 4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 136 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I believe in gender differences, and I believe that Biblical passages on marriage reflect those differences. God calls me to submit to my husband. God calls my husband to sacrifice for me. My submission and my husband's sacrifice are gender-nuanced reflections of our mutual obedience to God. Reading Love and Respect helped me to understand those differences. The Crazy Cycle is an insightful description of the breakdown in communication that happens in all too many marriages. And, the author does an absolutely outstanding job of explaining how a wife can do her part to end the Crazy Cycle. By this I mean the author's discussion of what respect and submission look like in the contemporary cultural context, as well as the author's explanations of the importance of a wife's respect to her husband. I encourage every wife to read and apply the material in the CHAIRS chapters. However, my husband and I are in agreement that Love and Respect does at best an incomplete job of describing what it means for a husband to love his wife and to sacrifice for her. It's not that we disagree with what Eggerichs does say. Far from it! God calls husbands to cleave to their wives, and COUPLE describes what that looks like. But, much is missing from Eggerichs' counsel to husbands, and we think that what's missing is very important. Let me begin by explaining why I found Eggerichs' counsel to wives to be so valuable. Six years after reading the book, I continue to go back to the CHAIRS principles. Each time, I leave with new insights into how my husband is wired and why God calls me to show him respect. I've been amazed at how my respect empowers me. It opens my husband's heart to hear me and to respond to me. By design, it is God's tool for motivating my husband. It is how I as a wife am to respond to my husband in ways that nourish the one-flesh unity implied by the Head/Body metaphor. But, my husband and I can't say the same about the counsel to husbands. The most glaring omission is in the area of sexuality. In the CHAIRS material, Eggerichs does a masterful job of explaining to wives, the immediacy of their husbands' sex drives. However, there is no corresponding treatment of female sexuality. Rather than painting a beautiful picture of a husband wooing his wife with sensitivity and a wife joyfully responding to her husband's initiative, sex is implicitly portrayed as something to which a wife submits (or, alternatively, something to check off her to-do list). Here, the author's writing reflects not so much the mutuality of I Corinthians 7, but the tit-for-tat exchange that underlies Willard Harley's His Needs, Her Needs. My husband's observation is that there isn't much sacrifice in the COUPLE teaching. Husbands are to spend a few minutes each day connecting with their wives and listening with empathy as their wives share the report of the day, realizing and releasing their emotions in the process. Wives are assured that when there is a decision to be made, loving husbands will consider their input. But, in the COUPLE teaching, husbands are not counseled that they should consider their wives' input and/or make sacrifices for their wives. Rather, the focus is on the importance of husbands tolerating the emotionality of their wives.
Guest More than 1 year ago
I have read so many marriage books and this has been the ONLY book that truly changed my marriage from the day I read it. If you want knowledge that works and will save your marriage, good or not, this is the book to buy. I have bought it for family and friends I believe in it so much
BB121 More than 1 year ago
The workbook is a great companion study to the Love and Respect book. We are doing a small group study on the book and the workbook provides great questions to discuss. These questions are helping each individual better understand the concepts and create great dialogue between spouses. The Biblical principals shared will challenge the reader on their current views of the needs of each spouse in a marriage. I would recommend this for small groups or couples looking to strengthen their relationship.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
She closes her eyes. "May they have a safe journey to StarClan."
MaopaatLuscious-Deals More than 1 year ago
Love & Respect is a wonderful read and help for couples. I was blessed to review this book and hoped that it would help me on my already rocky second marriage of 8 years. I never understood men, yet tried my best as a wife to be a help mate for my spouse. Dr. Eggerichs shares his stories and combines them with scriptural references as examples for his readers. I can see why our husbands need our res pect and I never saw things that way in our marriage. But I believe that husbands should respect their wives in order to get it back in return. It has changed the way I look at our marriage and how I'll approach things with my spouse.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is a workbook that is difficult to get into. The book itself is wonderful, but some of the exercises are very complicated, would take a lot of time to go through, and when you have a husband who isn't interested in reading, it's quite difficult to get through.
aliceb1969 More than 1 year ago
The workbook was helpful especially in the beginning, to keep the crazy cycle under control. I highly recommend using both the book and workbook.
LeAnneH More than 1 year ago
This is the sort of book one needs to reread on a regular basis. I anticipate that each time, I will be at a different place in my marriage, ready to see things in myself that I wasn't able to see before. Eggerichs' premise is that romance is not enough to sustain a marriage. He describes us as seeing our conflicts through pink or blue sunglasses and interpreting conversations with pink or blue hearing aids. I know this is true in my own life. Many times I am at a total loss to understand why my husband has taken offense at something I said. Eggerichs helps me to see that since my husband's greatest need is for respect, he hears my questions and desire to understand as challenges and accusations that he has not thought things through. Eggerichs' assumption is that in most cases both parties are good-willed and that neither is deliberately seeking to crush the other. He is coming from a religious perspective and bases his approach on Ephesians 5:33-[a husband] must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Eggerichs argues that love is what the woman most desires and respect is what the man desperately needs to face the world with confidence. He discusses specific areas in which a wife needs to feel loved and a husband respected and gives lots of practical examples. In most cases when a wife offers respect, her husband will respond with love and vice versa, but Eggerichs maintains that ultimately, offering unconditional respect is my way of reverencing the Lord and not an option based on my husband's giving me love. We are so confident that everyone deserves unconditional love; why do we talk as though respect must be earned? The writing style is conversational. This is obviously based on years of giving seminars. The arguments are by no means closely packed, but that is probably good since I needed time to absorb the ideas and see how they apply to my marriage. I got kind of sick of "I got this e-mail." or "A woman approached me after a conference." , but I think that is the nature of this kind of writing. The summaries in the appendices are invaluable for on-going review and evaluation of progress.
Anonymous 7 months ago
Very balanced
Anonymous 11 months ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
It's awesome and amazing. My name is KATY WILLIAMS from the United States. Getting my husband back is what i least expected and could never imagine. I and my husband have been married for five years and we have been living happily but all of a sudden he changed completely and turned away from me but i never knew what was going on, and i tried to ask him but he refused to tell me what the problem is, and as time went on he sought for a divorce. I was so worried and confused. During my search for a way out, a friend of mine who had similar problem told me about a great spell caster called DR DAN who helped her with her situation. I never use to believe in spell casting in my entire life because i never thought it will work but i tried to give this man a chance and to my greatest surprise DR DAN got me a positive result and he was able to get my husband back to me. After the spell caster did his work, i discovered that my husband fell so much in love with me unlike before. This spell casting isn't brain washing but he opened up his eyes to see how much i love and needed him. Now i am a happy woman again and I don't know how am going to to thank DR DAN so i am using this opportunity to tell anyone having similar problem to visit him on BLESSEDSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM OR BLESSEDSPELLHOME@HOTMAIL.COM & BLESSEDSPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM his spells is so powerful. Once again thank you DR DAN and may your gods reward you for your good deeds..CALL HIM +1 (310) 751-7818
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
You wil say they died honorably fighting for their clan, redfern
LauraRS More than 1 year ago
This book is extremely gneralized and over simplified, and I did not find it helpful at all. I find Gary Chapman's books far more helpful to building a good marriage.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
It is not hard to read, it only took us two days to read it and we had a lot going on around it at the same time so only gave it a few hours each day and still got through it pretty quick. We bought and read this book originally because the pastor said he would only perform it(for free) if we read the book first. But as we read the book (together which I recommend strongly) there was a lot of real good advice in it. I hate to admit it but there was some things that I learned! We both came out of it better and our relationship is stronger for it. The book makes sense, it helps men and women understand each other better to help you relate what it is saying to your own life and help you to communicate better with your spouses. It is a book based on scripture from the Bible so expect a lot of references to the Bible in it. Though even if you are not a Christian this book does and can make sense to help you with healing your relationship or at the very least help you to see that you have done everything in your power to maintain the marriage/relationship. I would seriously recommend this book to anyone who is married, dating, engaged, or just thinking about dating someone in the future because it gives you specifics on how to better word things to make each understand where they are coming from and how miscommunication is the biggest threat to today's marriages.
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Very insightful.
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Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Overall some very good advice for a Christian marriage. Lot of the concepts felt repetitive, but it is a good read.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago