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Rose Rock—child advocate, educator, and mother of ten-plus children, including comedian Chris Rock—shares her heartfelt and no-nonsense advice on parenting
Uber-mom Rose Rock raised ten children and seventeen foster children. She did it by never shying away from hard conversations and by not being afraid to present strong ideas about boundaries, discipline, choices, and consequences. In short, Rose Rock tells it like it is.
In Mama Rock's Rules, Rock shares the funny and highly practical lessons she learned both as a parent and an educator, while offering strategies for teaching children to be self-reliant. Her advice—delivered with a dose of wit and homespun humor—will inspire you to teach your kids right, whether your brood is one child or ten.
Mama Rock's Rules
Chapter One
I Am Your Mama, Not Your Friend
I never felt the need to be friends with my children—not when they were eight or ten. Not even when they were sixteen years old. My kids had their own friends and I had mine. I never set out to win any popularity contests on the home front. Like my mother, I know my kids don't have to like me—neither do yours.
My mother's overall message was a good one; I finally understand it: being a parent is not about being right, it's about doing right. It's about serving as a steadfast role model for your children, no matter what. Children really do look to adults for examples and guidance (you just never meet a teenager who would admit it).
Here's a secret: I didn't even like my mother until I was forty years old. Did I love her? Yes. I also respected her. Sure, when I was growing up I resented her when she was right about things—and, believe me, she always was.
Be honest. When you first had your baby were you torn between being a parent and a friend to the child? In my world, there is no decision to make. It was made when you had your child. As a parent, you are responsible for your child's mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. Your friends don't ask you to be accountable for them in the same way, do they?
After all, I don't tell my friends what to do or punish them if they don't keep a promise to me (ok, I usually act kind of cool toward them for awhile, but you know what I mean). I don't make rules for them and certainly never enforce any. My friends also don't expect me to provide their security or be their protector.
You ask me: Mama Rock, can't I be both a parent and a friend to my children? Listen, when parents say they want to be friends with a child it is usually about pleasing the child; after all, no one likes friction. Every parent must have the courage to be in charge and to say no. You can have fun with your kids just like you can with a friend—we had plenty of fun—but you can't be afraid to enforce the rules because you might lose your child's affection. As parents, we have to protect our children. That is a job for a parent—not a friend.
Draw the Line to Win Respect
Just as I talk differently to my children than I would to my friends, I expect my children to talk differently to me than they would to their friends. Once, when Andi was a teenager, we were together in the car having a funny, girl conversation about boys. I don't remember what I said, but suddenly she blurted out, "You lie, that's just a lie!" I felt like throwing her out of the car. Then I realized I had allowed that moment. I had to quietly remind her I was not her girlfriend; there were certain things she was not allowed to say to me, ever.
I think there are topics (like girl talk) where you can be friendly or joke around without having to be a stern parent. But, at no time should you let your children think they can disrespect you or treat you like a buddy. It's never OK for your child to disrespect you in any way, at any time, for any reason. They need to know that up front. We've all seen those crazy mothers on Maury or Jerry Springer. You know, the ones who complain how their children—even ten-year-olds—talk back to them.Iwant to shout to the TV screen: "Hey lady, you are the parent, you need to draw the line and get some respect for yourself."
The message to children is this: you cannot live in my house, spend my money, and disrespect me. It is that simple. I don't hand out freebies. Brian remembers one time when he was angry with me for not allowing him to go somewhere with a friend. He started to yell at me. I said to him: "Where is your child you are yelling at? I don't see any child, I just see your Mama being yelled at, and you are in some big trouble."
Start Early to Stay Strong
So how to start being a good, strong parent? First and foremost, establish a hierarchy about who is in charge in your family. It's really quite simple:
Rule #1: I am the Parent. I make the rules.
Rule #2: You are the child. You follow the rules.
Rule #3: Any problems, refer to Rule #1.
The whole thing with rules is this: it's all about responsibility. When you make guidelines, it makes life easier, it manages expectations. Don't wait! Start early and start them young.
What happens if you don't? Well, have you ever seen parents who allow a toddler to hit them in the face because they think it's so cute? Later, when the child is five or six and hits them in front of others, they are embarrassed. What if the kid keeps on punching when he or she is older? Think about that. Negative behavior like that means the parents started the rules too late (or not at all). Listen up: if you don't stop those things early, you will be scared of your own child in your own house.
Think about itthis way: approach child rearing like you would if you had a flat tire on your car. As soon as you feel the first jolt of the flat, you stop and change it, right? If you try and drive to the nearest station (even if it's only a few blocks away) the tire will be damaged and the rim will be bent out of shape. The same holds true when you raise a child. Stop and regroup at the first blowout. Provide a powerful, initial action or consequence when the offensive behavior first occurs so you won't end up bent out of shape.
Mama Rock's Rules. Copyright ? by Rose Rock. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.Foreword Chris Rock ix
Prologue xi
Who's Who and What's What: An Introduction to Mama Rock's Family xiii
An introduction to Rose Rock's family members
I Am Your Mama, Not Your Friend 1
No Child Really Wants to Be Left Alone 29
Wipe Your Mouth Out Before You Come into the House 55
Feed Them and They Will Tell You Everything 73
You Are Whatever You Answer To 97
Reading Is Righteous 115
Push "Unable" off the Table 135
Don't Lie Down with Anything You Don't Want to Live with Forever 163
Good Memories Are the Best Things You Can Give Your Children (Besides Good Manners) 187
Spirituality Is Not Just for Sundays 213
Acknowledgments 231
Chapter One
I Am Your Mama, Not Your Friend
I never felt the need to be friends with my children—not when they were eight or ten. Not even when they were sixteen years old. My kids had their own friends and I had mine. I never set out to win any popularity contests on the home front. Like my mother, I know my kids don't have to like me—neither do yours.
My mother's overall message was a good one; I finally understand it: being a parent is not about being right, it's about doing right. It's about serving as a steadfast role model for your children, no matter what. Children really do look to adults for examples and guidance (you just never meet a teenager who would admit it).
Here's a secret: I didn't even like my mother until I was forty years old. Did I love her? Yes. I also respected her. Sure, when I was growing up I resented her when she was right about things—and, believe me, she always was.
Be honest. When you first had your baby were you torn between being a parent and a friend to the child? In my world, there is no decision to make. It was made when you had your child. As a parent, you are responsible for your child's mental, emotional, and spiritual growth. Your friends don't ask you to be accountable for them in the same way, do they?
After all, I don't tell my friends what to do or punish them if they don't keep a promise to me (ok, I usually act kind of cool toward them for awhile, but you know what I mean). I don't make rules for them and certainly never enforce any. My friends also don'texpect me to provide their security or be their protector.
You ask me: Mama Rock, can't I be both a parent and a friend to my children? Listen, when parents say they want to be friends with a child it is usually about pleasing the child; after all, no one likes friction. Every parent must have the courage to be in charge and to say no. You can have fun with your kids just like you can with a friend—we had plenty of fun—but you can't be afraid to enforce the rules because you might lose your child's affection. As parents, we have to protect our children. That is a job for a parent—not a friend.
Draw the Line to Win Respect
Just as I talk differently to my children than I would to my friends, I expect my children to talk differently to me than they would to their friends. Once, when Andi was a teenager, we were together in the car having a funny, girl conversation about boys. I don't remember what I said, but suddenly she blurted out, "You lie, that's just a lie!" I felt like throwing her out of the car. Then I realized I had allowed that moment. I had to quietly remind her I was not her girlfriend; there were certain things she was not allowed to say to me, ever.
I think there are topics (like girl talk) where you can be friendly or joke around without having to be a stern parent. But, at no time should you let your children think they can disrespect you or treat you like a buddy. It's never OK for your child to disrespect you in any way, at any time, for any reason. They need to know that up front. We've all seen those crazy mothers on Maury or Jerry Springer. You know, the ones who complain how their children—even ten-year-olds—talk back to them. I want to shout to the TV screen: "Hey lady, you are the parent, you need to draw the line and get some respect for yourself."
The message to children is this: you cannot live in my house, spend my money, and disrespect me. It is that simple. I don't hand out freebies. Brian remembers one time when he was angry with me for not allowing him to go somewhere with a friend. He started to yell at me. I said to him: "Where is your child you are yelling at? I don't see any child, I just see your Mama being yelled at, and you are in some big trouble."
Start Early to Stay Strong
So how to start being a good, strong parent? First and foremost, establish a hierarchy about who is in charge in your family. It's really quite simple:
Rule #1: I am the Parent. I make the rules.
Rule #2: You are the child. You follow the rules.
Rule #3: Any problems, refer to Rule #1.
The whole thing with rules is this: it's all about responsibility. When you make guidelines, it makes life easier, it manages expectations. Don't wait! Start early and start them young.
What happens if you don't? Well, have you ever seen parents who allow a toddler to hit them in the face because they think it's so cute? Later, when the child is five or six and hits them in front of others, they are embarrassed. What if the kid keeps on punching when he or she is older? Think about that. Negative behavior like that means the parents started the rules too late (or not at all). Listen up: if you don't stop those things early, you will be scared of your own child in your own house.
Think about it this way: approach child rearing like you would if you had a flat tire on your car. As soon as you feel the first jolt of the flat, you stop and change it, right? If you try and drive to the nearest station (even if it's only a few blocks away) the tire will be damaged and the rim will be bent out of shape. The same holds true when you raise a child. Stop and regroup at the first blowout. Provide a powerful, initial action or consequence when the offensive behavior first occurs so you won't end up bent out of shape.
Mama Rock's RulesAnonymous
Posted September 9, 2008
I started browsing this book in the bookstore and found myself absolutely amazed at the depth of content in this. So, I bought it and am still reading it. That is, I keep going back again and again 'and I'm sure I will keep on doing that' to great passages and strategies. It is carefully crafted, well written and really smart. Mama Rock's own biography is in there as well as a presentation of life in the Rock extended family in a wonderfully warm and fluid way. This isn't preachy or shrill or sarcastic to get a laugh--this is wonderful. I was fascinated to learn that she is a teacher and ran day care centers plus had all those foster kids. What a difference she made then and will continue to make with this book. I recommend anyone to buy this for the sheer enjoyment of reading it to what it can teach you up through the teenage years and beyond. I also found it interesting that although much is said about the black experience that other cultures are also presented. It is universal. The tenets of parenting transcend all that. Meanwhile, you'll love the mama's mojo strategies and she even has some recipes for the dinner with the family section. Hey, don't just listen to me. Buy this book now and I bet you'll be writing a good review too. I hope this book is promoted everywhere because lots of folks need to read this. What a gem!
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted April 25, 2008
Highly recommended. This title is filled with pithy nuggets of information and advice on parenting and, really, on living life to the fullest. In a way, it is good for everyone because of the great stories (which may remind others of their own growing up years or make them stop and think about how it was in their familes good or bad). The strategies and 'mojo' advice are terrific. They distill the chapters and offer practical ways of implementing ideas in a clear and concise way. This book doesn't talk down to parents and others, it brings the reader up to see where everyone's children matter and how parents should support what their children participate in..'it doesn't have to be an HBO special, attend the school play.' The chapter Push Unable Off the Table was a favorite, it showed how to get a child moving in the right direction and how to get rid of excuses. It's funny, moving, sentimental and so well-written. I already bought a few for Mother's Day for members of my family. This is a keeper and a classic. Each time I look back at the book I find something new to think about. Perfect for new parents and should be required reading for parents of teens.
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Overview
Uber-mom Rose Rock raised ten children and seventeen foster children. She did it by never shying away from hard conversations and by not being afraid to present strong ideas about boundaries, discipline, choices, and consequences. In short, Rose Rock tells it like it is.
In Mama Rock's ...