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MAN: THE BOOKA code of rules to be followed by a man amid the 21st Century's feminized society
By clay travis chris shaw dj harrison josh townsend kwo hunter mccrary
CITADEL PRESS BOOKSCopyright © 2008 Clay Travis and the Deadly Hippos
All right reserved.
Chapter OneBars and Restaurants
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -Ernest Hemingway
The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it. -Sir Winston Churchill
In ancient times, men proved their self-worth on fields of battle with axes and arrows laced with fire and poison. If you beheaded someone, you also got his wife, daughters, and his oxcart. It was a simple yet fulfilling life (provided, of course, that you kept your head and did not die of scurvy or syphilis). But now men live in the twenty-first century and the bar has replaced the battlefield as the point of conquest. Sure, some guys pick up women at coffee shops, vintage clothing stores, and haberdasheries. These are not men. These are vultures sent to comb the edges of the battlefield. In ancient times, they would have been the men in charge of driving swords into the other men who were already mortally wounded and clinging to the edges of life. These men still masturbate to Victoria's Secret catalogs and run their fingers along frilly lace bras when they are in department stores. You do not want to be one of these men. (Of course, every man can feel comfortable running his hands along frilly lace thongs so long as they are sizes 0, 2, or 4. Okay, okay, and if you are a black man, sizes 6, 8, and 10 too.) No, real men fight real battles at the bar. Win and all womankind will spread their legs before you. Lose, and you'll be relegated to hitting on chicks at the sushi counter in Harris Teeter grocery stores. Not that there's anything wrong with hitting on chicks at the sushi counter, but come on, how many times can you giggle and say, "Oh my god, do you like California rolls, too?"
Just as men trained themselves in archery, swordfighting, ax-swinging, and disemboweling on the verdant plains of old England, so too, must you train yourself on the oaken tables of the bar. You have to know what not to drink, what not to wear, and how to use gay men to your advantage. (Gay men are like the cavalry of the modern bar.) Soon, like Neo in The Matrix, all around you the bar will spin with exquisite slowness. That girl in the top with breasts that resemble sacks of sawdust mixed with Elmer's Glue-All? That guy in the camouflage will leave with her. That exquisite knockout who can barely stand because she is so drunk and is wearing high heels? Place yourself correctly and you can bump into her and pretend it's her fault. She'll believe you. Then she'll go home and screw you for so long you won't be able to touch your penis in the morning when you piss. You'll see this all developing around you in super slow-motion. We promise you.
Not every man may become the One but, with effort, every man can become a warrior. Otherwise, don't listen to us, and there will be many nights when you trudge home with a woman who resembles a battle-ax affixed to your hip. She will be giggling and you will feel her belly rolling alongside you. Later as you rabbit-hump her with wild abandon while she absently chews on a Tootsie Roll, you may be tempted to cry. And this will be a good night. Other nights, you will go home with your guy friends and have masturbation races utilizing old Madonna posters from 1986 as excitement. Trust us, grasshopper, read on and we will show you the way to move on the bar battlefield.
1. No matter how crowded the bar is, if a man asks you for your table so that he can start an arm-wrestling tournament, you must relinquish it immediately.
2. When ordering drinks, insist that the weakest drinker of the group get the first round. Drink it, then wander around the bar until you see everyone else on empty. Then the second weakest drinker must buy. This is called the Drinking Darwinism Theory.
3. If the bathroom line is too long, don't be afraid to think outside the box. Appropriate alternatives include the sink, trash cans, beer bottles, and the floor. Peeing is basically allowed anywhere but on yourself.
4. The more shots you take past 2:00 A.M., the less ass you will get that night. Believe us.
5. If Patrick Swayze is the bouncer of the bar and/or it's made of all wood, by all means go inside and have a drink.
6. Every man has a bar which he refers to only as "the bar." When asked by someone else, "What bar?" one must respond, "The bar." Generally this bar is dirty, inhabited by rednecks and thugs (not women), and, most important, cheap.
7. If another guy wants to fight you and he says in a very calm voice, "I think we should take this outside," do not ever go outside. He will kill you.
8. Being able to outdrink someone trumps athletic ability. Athleticism is God given, boozing is a learned trait.
9. Vodka and cranberry may be ordered for your own consumption only if the bar is so dark no one can tell your drink is pink.
10. Girl Boy Man Amaretto sour Whiskey sour Straight bourbon Hard cider Light beer Bitter stout Mudslide White Russian Black Russian
11. When at a restaurant, never order a dish with the word medley in it.
12. If you arrive before your friends at a bar, feel free to fake a cell phone call. Smile and say something witty if necessary. Feel free to refake a cell phone call every ten minutes until someone actually arrives. If no one ever arrives, reconsider your life.
13. When walking into a bar, always suck in gut and expand chest until you confirm that you are not the fattest man in the bar. When confirmed, exhale.
14. Light beers may always be consumed; diet sodas may never be consumed.
15. You are obligated to get weekend drunk on Saint Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo.
16. When you travel to another city to visit a friend, consider it a free invitation to get twice as drunk as you do in your home city.
17. Every man should have at least one drinking story that ends in the phrase, "and then I woke up with my pants off." However, if this story also includes the phrases, "And then Richard Simmons ..." or "And then Balki from Perfect Strangers ..." keep that one to yourself.
18. If you are playing either quarters or beer pong and the quarter or Ping-Pong ball lands on the floor, anytime someone mentions germs, he is forced to wear a headband for the remainder of the night. If your friend is already wearing a headband, make him take off his accompanying wristbands and punch him in the nose. He shouldn't be your friend, anyway.
19. If you lose a drinking game to a girl, leave the party and contemplate self-gelding.
20. When eating at a restaurant, if another man at your table orders an alcoholic drink, you are required to order a stronger drink than the one he just ordered. This should be followed by a look of pity directed at the other man, a chuckle, then a headshake.
21. Never write any type of invitation that includes the term BYOB. Beer is the nectar of men and deserves to be spelled in its entirety.
22. Whenever you encounter an unidentified man on the street, at work, or at a bar or club, immediately assess whether you could kick his ass (comparing forearm sizes is a good indicator). Adjust behavior accordingly.
23. General Barfight Rule: The bigger they are, the harder they punch.
24. If you are about to slather yourself in cologne before going out, just remember it's mostly deer piss.
25. When seeing a bachelorette party, fervently hitting on the bride-to-be is a must. Then work your way down the bridal party ladder until you get laid. Take an average 1-10 rating of the girl you hook up with from your friends, round up, and that is the number of shots you are owed the next night out. (The bride is an automatic bottle of champagne.) This game is called "Shots and Ladders."
26. It's always okay to remind a bouncer who won't let you into a club that you make more money than he does ... so long as you don't really value your teeth.
27. When holding your beer bottle at the bar, do not turn it into a phallic symbol by fingering it or stroking it subconsciously, especially in a group of other men. From across the bar, this makes you look really gay. Grip it like a man and swill.
28. Saturday night at two in the morning, some guy's always at the bar in a tie. His schedule is so busy he couldn't have spent the thirty seconds it would have taken to pull off that tie? Wait until he's checking his fancy watch and then grab his tie and choke him to within an inch of his life.
29. Going to the drunk tank is the equivalent of getting caught in one of those Indian rabbit snares. Just chew your leg off, escape, and keep drinking, you pussy.
30. The next day after a party, the person who threw up the night before has to drink a beer casserole. This consists of at least four of the leftover beers combined in one pitcher. This will teach them to waste good booze.
31. Upon entering a bar, always imagine the theme song from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly playing in the background. Anyone who looks like he has never seen the movie is now instantly your enemy. If you have never seen the movie, you have made a good investment in buying this book.
32. A good steak is like a good pussy. Raw, hairless, and juicier than all git'-out.
33. Eat your pizza and your fucking bread crusts. Wasting the crust is like not finishing the last of your beer because it's warm. Besides, if crust is the worst thing you've ever put in your mouth, you're not a man, anyway. Sack up.
34. If your stall doesn't have a lock or a door, fuck it, take that shit anyway. Any man who stares or otherwise encroaches on the deed is in the wrong bathroom.
35. A man must possess a minimum of two ways to open a beer bottle without a bottle opener. And your male friend named Taylor's way of asking the bartender isn't one of them.
36. Here's a good way to tell if you are too drunk to keep drinking: If the smell of your own vomit makes you gag and nearly vomit again, then have another drink: you are not nearly wasted enough.
37. When out to eat and the waitress asks you "mild, medium, or hot," the answer should always be "hotter'n hell!" If you are less than a month removed from triple bypass surgery, it is acceptable to order medium. Never under any circumstances order mild; you don't want your order to be confused with that of your four-year-old niece.
38. A salad does not constitute a meal, unless it's a meat salad, where a meat salad is defined as a pile of (preferably freshly killed) raw meat.
39. In order to eliminate time-wasting decision-making and keep the line moving, at a barbecue, when asked if you would like a "[blank] or a [blank]," always answer authoritatively, "Both. And a beer." For instance:
Question: Hot dog or hamburger?
Answer: Both, and get me a fucking beer.
This answer may need to be adjusted based on the options:
Question: Hot dog, hamburger, chicken, or steak?
Answer: All four. Now. Raw. And bring me a fucking beer.
40. If a sandwich anywhere costs more than a steak at Outback, you may not purchase it.
41. When eating at a seafood restaurant with your girl, it's always fun to use the crab claws in an inappropriate fashion. Try pinching her nipples with them every time the waiter comes around, or tell the waiter, "This isn't the first time she's had crabs." Basically, don't fail to use a crab when you have the opportunity.
42. No man shall make less than three trips when dining in an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet. If any two men surpass your intake of Chinese for the meal, they have the automatic right to tag-team your girlfriend until you finish your third plate.
43. When the short-skirted, hot, nineteen-year-old waitress asks you if you want Parmesan cheese with your Italian meal, with your answer (which, by the way, is yes) you may include subtle or nonsubtle indications that you would be happy to sprinkle her with white droplets later that evening in the coat closet, also.
44. If you have to pass gas in a bar, go ahead and fart. Immediately blame the smell on the first ugly person you see.
45. The hierarchy at a bar is determined by ability to slam a beer. If you can polish one off in under eight seconds, the other bar patrons should show you a level of respect on par with that of professional athletes. If you can accomplish the feat in under three seconds, you are a god and others should not look you directly in the eye.
46. If two men go to a bar or restaurant together, under no circumstances should you both go to the bathroom at the same time. Doing this will automatically flag you as a homosexual to every single woman in the establishment.
47. Meeting women in bars: If you use a pickup line on a woman at a bar sincerely, you are an idiot and it won't work. If you use a pickup line on a woman with the hope that she will find it funny and hook up with you anyway, chances are it's not funny and it won't work. The solution: If you're really attractive, just act dumb and you'll wake up next to a naked woman. If you're rich, just flash your money clip at her. If you're not, then pretend you're rich. If you can't do that, you're screwed-what are you doing at a bar, anyway?
48. If a hot waitress leaves you her number on the tab, you must hook up with her. No excuses.
49. If you have ever kicked a bouncer's ass, stop while you're ahead. Feel free to frequent that bar and act like a nice guy. Offer him a drink.
50. When out drinking with the boys, quote humorous lines from movies, TV shows, and life experiences regardless of how many times they have been told before. If you are in this group listening, laugh as hard as you did the first time you heard it. If it was funny then, it is funny now.
51. If someone goes to buy a round and he lacks the ability to get to the front of the bar in a reasonable amount of time, feel free to lap him and buy the next round. If lapped, this means your friend has to stay at the bar and buy the next three rounds in succession.
52. Once you have been safely restrained from an altercation at the bar, feel free to talk as much trash as possible.
53. If you ever bring anything to a party or picnic, the leftovers are yours. You paid for them, and for the gas to go get them. Hold receipts if necessary.
54. When traveling to a new city, always act as if you know exactly where the cool bar is to go. If it sucks, tell everyone that you must be there on the wrong night of the week.
55. Make out with a random girl on the dance floor of a bar at least biannually.
56. If you call a waiter maître d', saw at your wrist with the butter knife, then order two shots of Jack or Jim: one to drink, and the other to pour in your gaping vagina.
57. If you ever have a quickie with a waitress while she's at work, you have achieved male greatness. If it happens in the kitchen, tell your male friends so they never go to that place again.
58. Every meal is a competition: eat fast and if you can still move at the end, it's time for seconds.
59. You should learn to be at least decent in all games played at a bar (darts, pool, shuffleboard, Golden Tee, foosball, etc.). However, if another man you have not previously met challenges you to a duel in any of the aforementioned games, and drinks or money are involved, do not accept the challenge. This man is an expert and will verily expose your lack of aptitude in bar sports, embarrassing you in public in the process.
60. Coming out victorious in a life-or-death struggle with a vicious predator (e.g., grizzly bears, Siberian tigers, great white sharks, or other sundry deadly animals) gives you automatic front of the line status at a keg party.
61. You absolutely may not use the word sip when referring to beer or whiskey. The words chug, slam, and shoot are preferred.
62. Drink a beer while pissing to simulate the gist of the expression "It's going right through me."
63. Always make certain that you are not the best-dressed man at any club, bar, or social event that includes women. If you are, women will automatically assume you are gay and so will gay men. In fact, you might actually be gay.
Excerpted from MAN: THE BOOK by clay travis chris shaw dj harrison josh townsend kwo hunter mccrary Copyright © 2008 by Clay Travis and the Deadly Hippos. Excerpted by permission.
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