A Man's Responsibility: A Jewish Guide to Being a Son, a Partner in Marriage, a Father and a Leader

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This is the book of the generations of Adam from the day God created human beings, making [them] in the likeness of God, creating them male and female ... (Genesis 5:1)

These are the generations of Noah ... (Genesis 6:9) These are the generations of the sons of Noah: Shem, Ham, and Japheth ... (Genesis 10:1)

These are the generations of Terah: Terah fathered Abram ... (Genesis 11:27)

These are the generations of Isaac, Abraham's son ... (Genesis 25:19)

These are the generations of Jacob ... (Genesis 37:2)

These are the generations of Aaron and Moses ... (Numbers 3:1)

Irv: The Way It Was

This book is about being a responsible man, a Jew, and a healthy spiritual being. How we understand these aspects of our identity, however, depends greatly on our age because of tremendous generational changes among Jewish men. To grasp this, let's look at the lives of two men, each composite sketches of several men I know, and the world as they see it. We begin with "Irv."

At sixty-four, Irv lives in a suburban community outside of Boston in a comfortable house with a garage and a yard. Irv's wife, Thelma, is responsible for everything that happens inside the house, just as he is responsible for everything outside: the lawn, the trash, and the cars. Irv is nearing retirement from the company where he has worked for over thirty years. His career has been satisfying.

Irv grew up near Blue Hill Avenue, Boston's old Jewish neighborhood, where a simple walk down the street served to remind him of who he was. The G & G Deli was the center of the neighborhood where people met, gossiped, and even ran for elective office. Growing up, Irv attended an Orthodox congregation down the street from his house and became a bar mitzvah, literally meaning "a son of God's commandments," at age thirteen with a coming-of-age ceremony in front of the Torah scroll. His house was kosher; they had separate dishes for milk and meat and did not allow pork or shellfish to enter the kitchen. Outside the house, however, his family was less careful. Irv's mother once said they occasionally would "give God a wink," especially when ordering shrimp in lobster sauce at Chinese restaurants.

Irv's classmates were almost all Jewish, although his teachers weren't. Every winter he endured the annual Christmas assembly where the whole school, led by elderly Irish Catholic teachers, sang Christmas carols. Irv remembers his rabbi telling him and his friends not to worry about this since they were all "good boys."

Just as Irv's school was 99 percent Jewish, the school nearest to his in South Boston was equally Christian. Jews, for the most part, did not venture into this adjacent neighborhood or consider buying a house in that area of the city. Still, there was great ethnic pride in being Jewish. Irv recalls the time a fight with a local Irish gang erupted and why he did not participate. Fighting, his father had told him, is "what the goyim do," and never mind the taunt that he was a "sissy." As for his mother, she regarded everyone who was not Jewish as an antisemite. It was a convenient bifurcation of the world.

Irv's father was a bookkeeper and his mother a schoolteacher. This was a great advancement from Irv's immigrant grandparents, who mostly spoke Yiddish and came to America very poor. Whenever he spoke Yiddish to his parents, he was admonished to "speak English!" It was very important to them to fit into this country.

Although Irv grew up in the aftermath of World War II, he was largely unaware of the events of the war and the Holocaust. His parents tried to protect him, and Irv in later years wondered why no one spoke about it back then. On the kitchen table stood a blue and white pushke, the Jewish National Fund collection box for the fledgling State of Israel. Irv remembers how his parents took great pride in purchasing trees in Israel to "make the desert bloom."

Irv went to the University of Massachusetts, the first in his family to go to college. While staying in the dormitory, he remembers a swastika being painted on the brick wall near his window. Irv believes this was not personally directed at him but that it was a more general act of antisemitism. For the most part, however, his Jewishness was not an obstacle in his education or his career. Even so, he was aware that some schools and companies were open to Jews and that others simply were not. Irv went on to earn a master's degree at Northeastern University and then found a job working on computer systems for the government. His daily commute was a little over a half hour. Like clockwork, he left home at eight and returned a little after six. He worked hard, and his life followed an ordered pattern.

Irv and Thelma married when he was still an undergraduate. They were set up by a mutual friend, a date that Irv agreed to reluctantly. They were both twenty-two years old at the time, but by age thirty they were married with four children. Rather than live in the old neighborhood, they moved farther out into the suburbs. By doing so, they barely missed the blockbusting that took place in Boston when banks and real estate agents gave mortgages and sold houses to African Americans in Jewish neighborhoods in a successful attempt to panic Jews into selling their homes before they found themselves stranded in a changed neighborhood. A great deal of money was made by these agents as Jews sold their houses for under market value and these same houses were then sold to African American families at exorbitant prices.

Israel's victory in the 1967 Six-Day War evoked great pride among American Jews, and it was no different for Irv. He remembers that time with great fondness. "We won!" he thought, though today he is unsure if political correctness allows him to express that sort of tribal glee. Although his parents taught him that Jews did not physically fight their enemies but instead overcame adversaries by pursuing an education and leading successful lives, Irv couldn't help but feel good over a Jewish army winning a war so decisively.

Thelma worked out of the house as soon as all of the children were of school age, but only during school hours. She went to work full-time only after the children graduated from high school. Child rearing and household chores were her primary responsibilities. It helped that Thelma is a very good cook. Today, both Irv and Thelma are deeply satisfied with their home life together and their relationship roles. Irv takes care of the finances. He feels a deep sense of responsibility for his family, and he considers providing for his loved ones "a man's work."

Irv and Thelma joined a Conservative synagogue and sent their children to its Hebrew school in the afternoons and on Sunday morning. They have stayed loyal members for many years. Many of their friends belong to the same synagogue, and it is the center of their social circle. Irv enjoys schmoozing with his friends at the oneg, or dessert, after the service. All of his children became bar and bat mitzvah there. He especially remembers with pleasure his daughter singing in the children's choir.

Years later, two of his children married Jewish partners, and two did not. Of the mixed couples, one decided to raise their children as Jews, but the other has not. Irv feels a great deal of anxiety over how to be a grandfather to his non-Jewish grandchildren. He accepts that his children are free to make their own choices, but when he sees these grandchildren around the Christmas tree, he sometimes feels he has failed. He cannot help but give them Chanukah presents wrapped in gift-wrap decorated with menorahs to remind them of their Jewish heritage.

When Irv looks at the next generation, he knows that times have changed. Life seems so much more complicated for them. The range of choices today seems confusing, and expectations have become unclear. Nevertheless, he firmly believes that life is what you make of it and that no one has ever had it easy.

Recently, Irv overheard a man with a strong Yiddish accent speaking to a supermarket cashier. The sound of his voice brought back memories of Irv's childhood, and a wonderful feeling came over him. It occurred to him that his children missed something by not hearing that sound in their everyday life.

Brian: The Way It Is Now

"I leave when it's dark and come home when it's dark, and the first thing I do when I get home is change a diaper," says a Jewish man I'll call Brian, a thirty-nine-year-old father of two. Brian is a doctor, as is his wife, Claire. They recently purchased a large house in the western suburbs of Boston with an equally large mortgage. The house has big bedrooms with plenty of play space for their children. Wide windows let in a great deal of sunlight. The landscaping around the house is professionally done and maintained. Cleaners are hired to come to their home once every two weeks. They also hired a nanny to help with childcare. With both of them working, such hired help is a necessity. Brian puts in the ridiculous office hours that most physicians keep, and Claire works part-time in an emergency room.

Brian met Claire when they were in medical school. They began studying together and were immediately attracted to each other, but both wanted to finish their education before marrying. However, Claire was not Jewish, and that made Brian uncomfortable. They even broke up for a short while over it. But after dating others, Brian realized there was no one else he wanted to be with. He was deeply in love.

Today, Brian's parents are embarrassed to say they were not especially gracious when Brian and Claire announced their engagement. The Jewish family they had always envisioned sitting around the Passover Seder table or lighting Chanukah candles seemed jeopardized. Would their grandchildren learn about Jesus and have a Christmas tree? In many ways, they, like Irv, felt they had failed.

The more they got to know Claire, however, the more they realized it was impossible not to love her. Claire is a beautiful person, inside and out. She happily learned to make kugel and brisket. Brian and Claire were married by a justice of the peace in a ceremony that contained Jewish symbols; they had a chuppah, or wedding canopy, and Brian stomped on a glass at the end. To Brian's great relief, Claire readily agreed to raise their children as Jews, since she lacked a strong connection to her Christian upbringing. Even though Brian is anything but a regular at synagogue services, he feels responsible for passing Judaism on to his children. Anything else would leave him feeling he was letting down the countless generations of Jews who preceded him-not the least of which are his parents.

Brian and Claire now have two girls. Both being doctors, they badgered their obstetrician with unending questions and suggestions, and Brian was there at both births, coaching Claire all the way. He also reflects upon how much times have changed: "When Claire was born, she tells me that her father actually went out fishing! He was not expected to be anywhere near the hospital."

Still, Brian relies heavily on Claire for raising their children, although he is in no way an absentee dad. He tries when he can to attend important events in his daughters' lives, such as dance recitals, and each Sunday he likes to play with both girls at the local indoor pool. He hopes to coach a sport they might play when they are older, perhaps soccer or softball. He realizes, however, that his workdays often fly by and that he is often late getting home. His work seems endless, but he cares a great deal about his patients and is committed to them.

When it came time to enroll their eldest child in preschool, Brian and Claire turned to their local synagogue. The Jewish preschool intrigued Claire. She grew up with many Jewish friends, and of course, she married a Jew. As she became increasingly involved in preschool activities, she began to feel that something was missing in her life-a sense of connectedness and belonging. After a thoughtful and deeply personal process, she decided to convert to Judaism. She began taking classes and before she knew it, she was the family's "Jewish expert," a common occurrence in intermarried families where the Jewish spouse is only marginally familiar with Jewish religious and cultural traditions.

It was thrilling and deeply moving for Brian to see Claire discover Judaism on her own. Brian has always been proud of being Jewish and remembers his bar mitzvah as a great day. He also remembers it as his "get out of jail free card," for he never went back to Hebrew school after that and his family attended services only on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Above all, he did not want to push Claire into anything; it was important to him that she knew he loved her for exactly who she was.

Still, he was amazed at how energized she became about being Jewish. She gave him books to read that she had used to study for her conversion. She instigated lighting Shabbat candles on Friday night, having a Shabbat dinner, and on occasion taking the girls to synagogue "Tot Shabbat" services. He thinks it's great she is so into Jewish life and ritual, as he sees himself as too busy for that part of life. At the same time, he feels a bit guilty he is not more involved, since it is his religion that Claire adopted. He knows he is supposed to be more active, but in truth he doesn't even know the names of his daughters' Hebrew school teachers.

Each year, Passover Seder takes place at Brian's parents' house, and Claire's parents come as well. Where previously they raced through the Haggadah in fifteen minutes or so to get to the matzah ball soup, Claire now likes to slow things down; she asks questions and says a prayer for their whole family. Everyone appreciates how Claire has added a spiritual dimension to the ceremony. Brian's father is in charge of hiding the afikoman, and he always brings up the subject of the State of Israel, especially because the last words of the Haggadah are "Next year in Jerusalem!" It occurs to Brian that this is really the only time that they ever have this kind of conversation.

Brian remembers his own Hebrew school experience. Despite the complaints he and his peers raised about the additional late-afternoon studying, they actually had a good time. Holidays were celebrated with special foods, and he remembers one teacher who told fantastic stories. Simchat Torah was especially fun, marching with a miniature Torah scroll, waving an Israeli flag, and eating an entire chocolate bar. Brian's Hebrew reading skills are not as good as they once were, but he still feels a draw to the synagogue to mark important milestones: a family wedding, the funeral for the father of a friend, and the naming of his children.

Even so, if it weren't for Claire, he might not go at all. Brian isn't sure if there is much there for him. Once he went to a Hebrew school family education program with his daughters, and it seemed he was intruding on a "Moms' Club" meeting. There were only two other men, and he joined them standing in the corner, drinking coffee. When they sat down for the activity, he felt kind of foolish using fabric scissors and gluing felt for an arts and crafts project. He was anxious to go home to watch the football game on television that afternoon.

Being Jewish and Male in the Twenty-First Century

A new generation of Jewish men is seeking an understanding of its obligations as sons, partners in marriage, and fathers. But to do so, it is necessary to first understand the preceding generation and its assumptions because so much of how we understand our lives is handed down from generation to generation. To know who we are requires knowing where we come from. We learn about ourselves by comparing and contrasting the historical narratives that we tell.

Irv's Jewish identity and spiritual resources derive largely from his ethnicity as a Jew. He absorbed his feeling of connectedness from the accents, smells, and sensations around him. In the time of his childhood, white ethnic groups remained largely segregated by neighborhood. Additionally, he and his wife adhere to sharply defined relationship boundaries. The parameters of his familial role are .just as clear to him as the expectation that he would be home by a certain time for dinner and that a meal cooked by his wife awaited him. Irv's anxiety comes partially from feeling that those parameters and his world are fading from existence.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from A Man's Responsibility by Joseph B. Meszler Copyright © 2008 by Joseph B. Meszler. Excerpted by permission.
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