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Marriage Confidential: Love in the Post-Romantic Age

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Overview

Marriage Confidential tackles this question with bracing candor, taking us inside a world where romantic ideas have given way to a "post-romantic" mood and a fair number of marriages end up "semi-happy." It's a world where the husbands of "workhorse wives" pursue the Having It All dream that married women have abandoned; where children have migrated from the children's table to the centerpiece; and where technology, demography, and economy place unprecedented stresses on marital fidelity. Among other examples of ...

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Marriage Confidential: The Post-Romantic Age of Workhorse Wives, Royal Children, Undersexed Spouses, and Rebel Couples Who Are Rewriting the Rules

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Overview

Marriage Confidential tackles this question with bracing candor, taking us inside a world where romantic ideas have given way to a "post-romantic" mood and a fair number of marriages end up "semi-happy." It's a world where the husbands of "workhorse wives" pursue the Having It All dream that married women have abandoned; where children have migrated from the children's table to the centerpiece; and where technology, demography, and economy place unprecedented stresses on marital fidelity. Among other examples of marriage trailblazers, Haag even presents a case for how updated ideas of non-monogamy might be an option for the future.

Uniquely weaving together cultural commentary, memoir, storytelling, history, and research, Marriage Confidential gives us a riveting glimpse of what the future of marriage might look like.

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Editorial Reviews

Bella DePaulo
“I read it voraciously. . . . [Haag] is thoughtful, engaging, unconventional, and amusing.”
BookPage
“[Haag] wittily and meticulously explores what sets apart those who suffer quietly in their semi-happy marriages from those who take action-whether that action is working to improve the situation, splitting up, retreating to a man cave or having an affair.”
The Times (London)
“Provocative.”
USA Today
“The perfect book club choice.;. . . Free of the inflammatory politics and cultural baggage that usually accompanies the topic.;. . . It does make you reflect on modern mating habits. It’s fun.”
Glamour
“If you’re coupled up—or want to be—you’ve got to read this.”
Washington Post Book World
Marriage Confidential is so rare, such a pleasantly charming pearl of great price . . . You learn something, but you hardly notice because you’re having such a good time.;. . . Flat-out brilliant.”
More
“Pamela Haag takes a fresh look at the state of our legal unions.”
TODAY
“[A] fun, interesting read.”
Glamour
“If you’re coupled up—or want to be—you’ve got to read this.”
Today
"[A] fun, interesting read."
More
“Pamela Haag takes a fresh look at the state of our legal unions.”
Huffington Post
“Fascinating. . . . Couldn’t be more timely or relevant.”
The Times (London)
“Provocative.”
Washington Post Book World
Marriage Confidential is so rare, such a pleasantly charming pearl of great price . . . You learn something, but you hardly notice because you’re having such a good time.;. . . Flat-out brilliant.”
Date Night Magazine
“A fascinating journey through the evolution of marriage.”
Mail on Sunday (UK)
“The chances are, this book describes your marriage. . . . It’s also an entertaining read.”
USA Today
“The perfect book club choice.;. . . Free of the inflammatory politics and cultural baggage that usually accompanies the topic.;. . . It does make you reflect on modern mating habits. It’s fun.”
People
“Haag’s well-researched provocative study will get you thinking.”
"Great Summer Reads" - People Magazine
"Haag’s well-researched provocative study will get you thinking."
Laura Kipnis
“A startlingly honest and surprisingly funny account of marital discontent…. Avoiding comfortable bromides and rejecting the usual clichés, Haag reports on how married people really live these days…. This is one of the few books around with something new to say about the travails of modern love and coupledom.”
Debby Applegate
“Brilliant. . . . Marriage Confidential is both laugh-out-loud funny and gasp-out-loud shocking, and nothing less than a Feminine Mystique for our time. Mark my words, your marriage will change after reading this book.”
Esther Perel
“In this timely and thought-provoking analysis of modern coupledom, Pamela Haag paints a vivid tableau of the ‘semi-happy’ couple. Written with wit and aplomb, this page turner will instigate an insurrection against our marital complacency.”
Linda Hirshman
“The personal is political after all. This first big history of the marriages of the post-feminist generation tells a riveting story of how socially empowered women-including many who opted out-and their mates are still struggling to find happiness in their personal lives.”
Stephanie Coontz
“[Haag] doesn’t shy away from controversy in discussing how some marriage ‘rebels’ try to breathe new life into their relationships. A candid and thought-provoking read.”
"Great Summer Reads" People
“Haag’s well-researched provocative study will get you thinking.”
TODAY
“[A] fun, interesting read.”
More
“Pamela Haag takes a fresh look at the state of our legal unions.”
BookPage
“[Haag] wittily and meticulously explores what sets apart those who suffer quietly in their semi-happy marriages from those who take action-whether that action is working to improve the situation, splitting up, retreating to a man cave or having an affair.”
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780061719295
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 6/5/2012
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 352
  • Sales rank: 1,413,719
  • Product dimensions: 5.20 (w) x 7.90 (h) x 1.00 (d)

Meet the Author

PAMELA HAAG has a Ph.D. in history from Yale and has held several fellowships. She has been published in the American Scholar, Christian Science Monitor, and Huffington Post, and has been heard on NPR and elsewhere. She also writes a twice-weekly column for Big Think magazine.

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Table of Contents

Introduction: Marriage on the Edge vii

Chapter 1 The Dilemmas of a Semi-Happy Marriage 1

Why We Settle for Ambivalence

Part I The New Normals of Career and Marriage

Chapter 2 "Life Partners" 27

How Too Muck Intimacy Killed Intimacy

Chapter 3 "I Can Bring Home the Bacon" 47

How Having It All Became Sort of Having Two Things Halfway

Chapter 4 The Tom Sawyer Marriage 62

The Plight of the New Workhorse Wife

Chapter 5 The Joy of Falling 77

Downwardly Mobile and Mutually Liberated

Part II Parenting Marriages

Chapter 6 The Have Children-Will Divorce Paradox 91

How Parenthood Inspires Marriage and Then Steals It

Chapter 7 Children: The New Spouses 113

How the Strength of Family Values Became the Weakness of Family

Chapter 8 Man-Cave in the Promised Land 128

How Spouses Reclaim Their Adulthood by Acting Like Children

Chapter 9 Marital Habitats 142

Being Married with Children in Public Again

Part III New Twists on Old Infidelities, or, the Way we Stray Today 7

Chapter 10 Stories of the "AFFAIRS" Folder 161

The Underwhelming Crisis of Infidelity

Chapter 11 "I Call It Married Dating" 184

The Accidental Cheater in the Age of Facebook and Google

Chapter 12 ISO (In Search Of): A Bubble 204

The Philanderer's Defense

Part IV The New Monogamy

Chapter 13 "The Fifty-Mile Rule" 223

Affair Tolerators, Then and Now, or, the Don't Ask Don't Tell Marriage

Chapter 14 "We're Making It Up as We Go Along" 237

Sexual Libertarianism and the Case Against Marital Monogamy

Chapter 15 "A Place Where a Sick Marriage Goes to Die?" 249

The Hidden World of "Ethical Nonmonogamy"

Chapter 16 "Free Love 2.0" 265

The New Open Marriage

Epilogue: "Why Can't We Have Our Cake and Eat It, Too?" 277

Author's Note 281

Acknowledgments 285

Notes 289

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 23 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(10)

4 Star

(3)

3 Star

(3)

2 Star

(5)

1 Star

(2)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 23 Customer Reviews
  • Posted June 18, 2011

    NOT what I was expecting

    Um, I find it hard to believe the ultra-liberal notions about the direction of marriage she espouses in page after page after page in this book. I also resist the idea that it seems acceptable for "workhorse wives" to accomodate their listless husbands who won't man-up and at least pull their weight within the family. Thanks, Women's Lib! Now women must be expected to Do It All! And Be Happy about it! The last third of the book is dedicated to how having an open marriage, or cheating, can make you happier! That is the only part of the book that talks about communication: communicating about the rules of your open marriage. Unless you're a liberal democrat, I'd pass. Definitly not what I was expecting from this book.

    4 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 28, 2013

    Dreamlily & Cinderwolf

    Name~ Dreamlily &hearts
    Rank~ Warrior
    Mentor~ her mentor was ThymeDust
    Crush~ None
    Mate~ None
    Family~ She has one blood related sibling: Cinderwolf. Her foster mother is Velvetstar and Harikamoon is kind of like her other sister.
    Personality: She is very bold, loyal, friendly, and outgoing, and she is not afraid of talking to someone new, no matter what they are. But when someone is being rude or unfair, she may get a bit snappy, but later feels quite guilty about it.
    Appearance/Description: She is a bit on the smaller side, not being as large as others, she has a lithe body. She has short, silky silver tabby fur. She has a white tailtip, muzzle, paws, ears, and underbelly. Her most striking feature is her eyes, they are a brilliant light blue, almost clear looking. ((Kind of looks like Feathertail))
    Past/History: As a kit she and her brother was taken to BloodClan when they were very young. Her mother, Quetzalfeather, was killed, while her father, Lionslash, never visited. While they were at BloodClan, a cat named Moonflower led them to HorseClan. There, Velvetstar adopted her and her brother, and Cedarstrike was Dreamlily's father figure.
    Other: She loves battle training, she likes the power she feels.
    ~Dreamlily &hearts ~
    Name~ Cinderwolf
    Rank~ Medicine Cat
    Mentor~ His mentor was Maplejay
    Family~ Dreamlily, Harikamoon, Velvetstar
    Personality: He is very kind, confident, and can remain calm in stressful situations. He is very consistent in what he does, but gets frustrated when he knows he can't do something. He is a bit stubborn when it comes to people telling him what to do, and he can get a bit grumpy.
    Appearance/Description: He has dark grey fur and a very long tail. He has darker rings around his eyes, which make his amber eyes really prominent. His back right leg is also twisted, making it hard to get around sometimes.
    Past/History: See Dreamlily's past above ^
    Other: He has a very strong connection with StarClan.
    ~Cinderwolf~

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 28, 2013

    Fawnsplash

    Name:Fawnsplash<br> <p>
    Mate/kits:None crush:mudkip who will soon be joining <br> <p>
    Description: a light brown she cat with white spots on her back. big amber eyes . She has a sleek bild long legs and tail. Her ears have twfts of white fur on the tips.<br> <p>
    Persona.she is fun loving, kind, loyal, and fawnsplash loves to swim. She will protect her clan with her life<><><><><><><><><><><>

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 20, 2013

    Blackfeather's Biography

    Name: Blackfeather <br> Gender: Female <br> Mate: None <br> Crush: None <br> Siblings: Unknown <br> Kits: None <br> Personality: Usually outgoing and slightly awkward, she rarely gets angry. When others are in a tough spot, she'll always try her hardest to help them out and be a good friend, though she can be a little nosy sometimes. She will be secretive about some things, and gets annoyed if cats try to pry into her personal life. She can be trusted to keep a secret, or to perform a hard job that others might not want to do. When she gets angry, she usually acts arrogant and self-confident, making loud, harsh comments on whatever she hears. She can be rather forgiving, though, and, even though she tries, can't hold a grudge for more than one day at most. She also happens to be very forgetful. <br> Appearance: A sleek, black-furred she-cat with a long tail. She has bright, intelligent blue eyes. She has a few white dots scattered across her body, and a star-shaped one on her chest. <br> Other: Just ask <p> ~Blackfeather

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 20, 2013

    Whispershade

    Name-Whispershade/
    Gender-She-cat/
    Age-Somewhere around fourteen moons/
    Rank-Warrior/
    Appearance-A scrawny dark gray tabby with black stripes. Her legs and tail are longer than average, and her eyes are a light blue that stand out in stark contrast to her dark face./
    Personality-She's very shy and introverted around people she's not particularly close to. She's strange in the fact that if someone close to her dies or is seriously injured, she doesn't feel as sad as she probably should./
    Mate-None and not interested/
    Crush-No comment/
    Kits-None and not interested

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 22, 2013

    ThymeDust's Updated Bio

    This is newly Updated, don't ask me to add things after this. I'll update it when i actually have things to add. This isn't a Mandatory Bio, buuut it's early Morning and i'm just bored. So here we go. <p>
    Name~ If you haven't a clue of what my name is, then look up at my Headline....But i know some of you may not be able to see Headlines, so my name is ThymeDust. <p>
    Rank: Just a plain Warrior, no complaints. <p>
    Apprentice/Mentor: He is Mentoring Dreampaw, and he was Mentored by LightBug back in Grassclan. <p>
    Crush: He has taken a liking to Velvetstar, he feels as though he must protect her at all costs. He would die for her, ((And the Clan)) anyday. <p>
    Mate: Nope, he never has had a mate in all his time. <p>
    Family: LeafSun~Sister, ThrushFang~Father, Nightstar~Mother, PantherCoal~Brother <p>
    Personality: ThymeDust is a young, brave Warrior. His personality includes many things, as he is loyal, strong-minded, and Kind. He's usually calm and good-natured, rarely snappy. ThymeDust loves Kits, and would someday love a family of his own. Thyme is also humble and grateful, he loves everyone within his clan and some he may love more then others. <p>

    Description/Apperance: A strong, muscular white tom. His tail is fully black, and extends over the rise of his back side in a black blotch. His right ear is pitch black, and the inside is white. His left ear is white and the inside is black. His front paws are black tipped white, and he has a long jagged scar running down from his shoulder blades to his chest. His eyes are sharp Seafoam green, with some blue tinting around the pupils. His hindlegs in particular are muscular, good for running or pouncing. He has large paws, so that when he slams down on his prey he will most likley kill it by impact. His nose is salmon pink and his tail is long and whispy. His elbows have tufts of fur that are black, and his hindlegs have black fur tufts down the back of his hindlegs. <p>

    Past/History: ThymeDust was born in Grassclan to Nightstar and Thrushfang. With his siblings LeafSun and PantherCoal. At the time they were young, innocent Thymekit, Leafkit and Pantherkit. All living happily with their Clan. As the three siblings neared Apprentice-age, Thrushfang vanished leaving Nightstar to care for the three. Thymepaw was then Apprenticed to Soundwave, the Deputy. His siblings aswell were apprenticed. Thymepaw loved training, always excited until the day Nightstar died. Him and his siblings suffered heartbreak and agony, losing both their parents. Soon the three became Warriors, ThymeDust, LeafSun and PantherCoal. They soon split after a battle broke out, thats how ThymeDust ended up with that harsh scar. Leafsun and him stuck together, as PantherCoal left to find his father. They came here, where ThymeDust fell inlove with Velvetstar secretly. <p>

    Theme song: 'Radioactive,' by ImagineDragons and 'Safe and Sound,' by Unknown Artist((Not Taylor Swift)) <p>

    Other: ThymeDust's skills are in Hunting, he never liked fighting. He rather hunt to save alife. But he would still fight for his Clans' life if needed. He is friends with Firepelt of Blazeclan, as he does Roleplay the Blazeclan cat. <p>

    Signiture~ •~&#8366hymeDust~• <p>

    Friends: Velvetstar, Dreampaw, Firepelt, Fawnpelt, Wolfsun, Anyone in his clan. <p>

    Other((Again..x.x)): His favorite prey is 'Mouse, Crow and Rabbit,' and he loves Running and jumping. <p>

    In conclusion, This is Thyme's loooong Bio.....:D Love y'al Adios. <br>
    •~&#8366hymeDust~•

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 18, 2013

    Wolfsun

    Name: Wolfsun (obviously:)) Gender: She cat Rank: Warrior Age: 31 moons about. Mates: Formerly tyrellshadow but he left.Currently Birdstrike though hes not very active. Kits: Flowerpelt and spirtwhisper and her three recent litter inkkit rubykit and crystalkit all died in the fire. Description: A beautiful gray tabby she cat with irridescent green eyes and a white underbelly. On her belly is a yellow symbol of a sun. She has three gray paws but oddly one of her paws is white and she has unussually long claws. Personality: She is fun, fiercly loyal to her clan and friends, and at times vengeful. Relations: She has no siblings but she is lilystars only blood realted kit and her father is goldenstripe who is now in thunderclan. Her best friends shes had over the years ae owlfeather braveheart and dawnstripe. Currently shes good friends with velvetstar and thymedust. Other: Been around since the very start of horseclan when lilywolf adopted her other rper owlfether as her daughter along with snowfire and heathershine.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 18, 2013

    Fawnstep&Stormbird

    Name-- Fawnstep
    Rank-- Deputy
    Gender-- SheCat
    Mate-- Braveheart, but he has disappeared so she does not know whether to declare herself single or wait
    Kits-- Ebonykit [adopted], and Expecting
    Appearance-- Fawnstep is very beautiful shecat. She has crystal clear blue orbs with swirls of gold that flourish near her pupils. She is a light grey tabby with darker grey stripes that stretch across her flank, tail, and legs. Fawnstep has small, snowkissed paws and a single with ear. She has a light color of the grey that covers her pelt and bright to a dull white against her chest. Her build is her narrow, and slim. She was built for speed as some might say. She has a long tail that balences her when she reaches breakneck speeds. Her claws are long, and white. They dig into the dirt so her paws don't slip under her. She also has very long legs.
    Personality-- Fawnstep's persona is loyal, and kind. Her tenderness is very known throughout the clan. She light, and sweet. But sometimes when her anger flares up, it get's ugly. So, as Fawnstep has matured greatly since she first joined her attitude is fair. The anger is calmed very quickly. Stubborn at times on her decisions, but loving to a point of concern.
    History-- Fawnstep was originally and accident. A Windclan shecat and Skyclan tom met one day at a gathering, then became close, too close. The unplanned pregnancy was a shock to most everyone in the clan. She made up a father, saying she was forced at night. The clan believed her to her relief, but she felt a strong guilt. When Fawnstep was born, and watched as she became a warrior then she decided to tell her who her true father was. Betrayed, and lied to, Fawnstep ran away from Windclan and traveled as a loner. When she stumbled upon a strong, active, and welcoming clan named Horseclan she had to join. When she arrived, a silver and black tom was joining too. The tom went by the name Silver, later to be given the name of Braveheart. Fawnstep fell in love with Braveheart and soon they were mates. She became close friends with Maplejay, and Goldenstripe.
    Kin-- Hawkblaze of Skyclan, and Cougarheart of Windclan
    Signature-- ••Fawnstep}-[insert feeling or action]
    Other-- Became a member in 2010




    Name-- Stormbird
    Rank-- Warrior
    Gender-- SheCat
    Mate-- Hm
    Kits-- None
    Appearance-- Stormbird is like her mother, very determined. Also mistakened as stubborness most of the time. But she is a very attractive shecat as her mother. She is light grey with glistening pure white paws. Her underbelly, the same virgin color that crawls toward her chest. Her eyes are a brilliant blazing amber, with golden streaks that bow toward the pupil.
    Personality-- As you already know she is a very determined young lady. Stubborn to be mistaken to quite often. She is sweet and kind. Her noble heart is true. She is a fair warrior, with beaming inner beauty. Loyal to the day she dies, but can be pushed off the path by her own mistaken intensions.
    History-- Stormbird was born by Velvetstar, as she grew up having a regular life she became a warrior. One night, her brother Spiritnight were hunting. Her brother dying in the flames.
    Kin-- Velvetstar {mother}, Windwing {father}, Spiritnight [s], Racoonpaw [s], Harikakit [s]
    Signature-- -Stormbird-
    Other-- None

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 18, 2013

    Shimmerbreeze

    Description: beautiful, slender white she-cat with green eyes and a torn ear • Personality: kind, caring, gentle, fierce in battle • Rank: warrior, although she does know a little about herbs. • Mate/Crush: none • Kits: took care of a kit she found when she was a rogue • History: nothing of importance (maybe) • Other: doesn't like talking about her past and is very secretive about it

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 17, 2013

    Cedarstrike

    Name - Cedarstrike <p> Desc. - tawny colored tom wth amber eyes and a white underbelly <p> Mate - Servaljump <p> kits - none <p> personality - very calm and sometimes teasing. Would do anything for his clan

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    Posted July 13, 2011

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    Posted July 15, 2011

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    Posted December 15, 2012

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 24, 2011

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    Posted October 13, 2011

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    Posted June 7, 2011

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    Posted August 31, 2011

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    Posted August 8, 2011

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    Posted February 12, 2012

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    Posted May 28, 2011

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