Married to the Military: A Survival Guide for Military Wives, Girlfriends, and Women in Uniform

by Meredith Leyva

Overview

Now revised to reflect the reality of military and economic unrest around the world, Married to the Military remains an invaluable resource for any military spouse or significant other.

When you marry a military service member, whether a reservist or active—you may feel as if you’ve also married the United States military! While there are plenty of orientation books on military training, there is not much information available about handling the personal aspects of military life. Married to the Military demystifies the often confusing military world so you can make the right choices for yourself and your family.

Meredith Leyva, an experienced military wife and founder of CinCHouse.com, the Internet’s largest community for military wives, girlfriends, and women in uniform, offers time-tested advice on everything you need to know—from relocation to deployment, protocol to finances, and career to kids, including:

-Keeping your love life together during deployments
-Relocating yourself and your family around the world
-Maintaining your own career when you're expected to move every three years
-Understanding what pay and benefits you're entitled to—and how to maximize them
-Dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other threats to your partner’s well-being

Whether you’re figuring out military protocol or trying to understand the medical system, this savvy, friendly yet authoritative guide details just what you need to know to manage day-to-day issues and get on with the adventure of military life.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781439150269
Publisher:	Touchstone
Publication date:	07/14/2009
Edition description:	Revised
Pages:	224
Sales rank:	680,714
Product dimensions:	5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.55(d)

About the Author

Meredith Leyva is the founder and editor of CinCHouse.com, the Internet’s largest community for military wives and women in uniform. Leyva currently resides with her family in Norfolk, Virginia, where her husband is stationed aboard the USS Enterprise.

Read an Excerpt

Married to the Military



Welcome to the sisterhood of military women! We are military wives, girlfriends, moms, and women in uniform. Just like you, we had to familiarize ourselves with military life and get to know the community pretty darn quick, sometimes while getting engaged and planning a wedding and other times while reeling from the shock of our Reservist husband suddenly being sent off to war. With all the crazy acronyms, rules, and bureaucracy on top of finding bridesmaids’ dresses, it’s easy to get overwhelmed—but don’t! You can master this, and we are here to help you.

In effect, this book is an orientation manual on military life based on the collective knowledge of military wives and women at CinCHouse.com. CinCHouse.com is the Internet’s largest community of military women all over the world. In fact, the name “CinCHouse” is military jargon for “Commander in Chief of the House.” That’s what you are! And don’t you forget it.

You are the CinC of your house because, while your husband is out playing G.I. Joe, you are primarily responsible for raising the kids, managing the household finances, and establishing yourself and your family in the community. This is no job for the faint of heart. Don’t be deceived by the feminine looks of many military wives standing next to their macho men; underneath lies the heart of Scarlett O’Hara. Besides, although the military may joke that “if we wanted a service member to have a wife, we would have issued one,” your needs and personal and professional goals are just as important as your man’s.

Just remember this cardinal rule: Success in military life is all about knowledge and perspective. The purpose of this book is to give you information and a well-rounded perspective on military life so that you can make the right choices for yourself and your family, especially if you are starting a new life as a military wife. This book will:

• Introduce you to daily life in the military and what you can expect in terms of services and the community—and what is expected of you.
• Help you understand the benefits and how to get the most out of military life (the business of your marriage).
• Help you understand and take control of the two primary threats to your sanity: relocation and deployment.
• Strengthen your marriage by helping you develop a strategy with your service member on how to live together.

Dealing with Jargon, Political Correctness, and Other Nonsense

Unfortunately, military jargon has become a language all its own. You can refuse to learn it and find yourself corrected or stuck not knowing what was said, or you can become familiar with the basics. We prefer the latter approach, although we limit our use of jargon as much as possible. After all, our hubbies signed up for the job, not us.

To help you through, every time a new acronym is introduced, we write it out fully and explain what it means. We explain military jargon in the same manner. Chapter 14 is a glossary entitled “Really Stupid Acronyms and Jargon” for your reference. The glossary is also good for translating lingo when on base, especially with the die-hard Marines.

Also, let’s skip the political correctness and just acknowledge that this book is written primarily for women, namely military wives and women in uniform. The Department of Defense (DoD) is required to use the term “spouse,” but we use the more accurate term “wife.” While the number of military husbands has increased slightly, they still represent only 7 percent of all military spouses, and the vast majority previously served in the military and are already very familiar with it. That is very different from a 20-something civilian woman who is just entering or marrying into the military for the first time. We are women, and we want to act and be treated as such.

WAR STORIES

Help, I Need to Talk!

I was working 14 hours a day in Washington, D.C., at a high-powered corporate public relations agency when my husband first joined the military. Although most of the wives at our command worked, the spouse club was run by stay-at-home moms. That meant most meetings and social events consisted of hours of lunch and bingo or mom ’n’ tot play groups.

My girlfriends and I needed more information about military life and what was in store for us. The command was threatening to relocate our families all over the place. Our lives felt completely out of control, and we didn’t have a clue how to work the system. However, we also didn’t have time to participate in spouse club events and, very frankly, we resented being left out. So did the female service members in our command who wanted to hang out with fellow girlfriends. So we jimmied up a website with a discussion forum that allowed us to talk during the day at work or late at night after the kids went to bed.

Apparently we weren’t the only ones who felt this way, because the website had 40,000 hits in the first month of its existence. By 2003, that little website received nearly 900,000 visits each month. Thus was the birth of CinCHouse.com.

Additionally, this book takes a fresh approach by recognizing that women in uniform and military wives have common concerns. While military wives are primarily addressed because there are so many of us, many female service members will find it useful because they share the same responsibilities for raising kids and managing households, finances, and relocation. There are plenty of orientation books on military jobs and protocol, but there are almost no good books about handling the family and personal aspects of military life. Thus, the term “military wife” also refers to those female service members who feel married to the military and want solutions to these issues.

Finally, before I get hate mail from nitpickers, let me say that this book covers the general concepts behind key aspects of military life. Different military services, bases, and offices, however, will do things slightly differently. Form 840 on Base A may be referred to as Form 850 on Base B, even though they say the same thing. The two forms are just printed on different-colored paper. What the Navy calls a “detailer” the Army calls a “branch manager”—but they do the same thing. What is important is that the concepts are the same, and this book will give you the tools to get through them. It is not intended to be a bible to address every situation under the sun.

Your husband, boyfriend, or fiancé may freak out when he sees you reading this book. Why on earth, he’ll say, do you need to understand this stuff? He’ll take care of everything! And he can explain what you do need to know when you need to know it. Right?

Wrong! You need to know about military life so you can control your family’s destiny, and he may not always be around to explain how things work or to handle the situation. Your gut instinct tells you that. What you can tell your man is that, by reading this book, you will feel better about entering the adventures of military life, and you will be better able to support him in his mission and have a stronger relationship.

The Least You Need to Know

• You are neither the first nor the last woman to face the complicated world of military life.
• This book is designed to help you succeed in taking control of your destiny and strengthening your relationship with your service member.
• The key to controlling your destiny is to learn about military life, including all its acronyms and jargon.

RESOURCE

• www.cinchouse.com—The Internet’s largest community of military wives and women in uniform.

Table of Contents

1 Welcome to the Adventure of Military Life! 1

Dealing with Jargon, Political Correctness, and Other Nonsense 2

2 Your First Day as CinCHouse 6

Getting Documented 6

Getting to Know Your Base 11

3 Controlling Your Family's Destiny 15

Getting Started in the Military 16

Understanding Career Tracks 20

The Daily Grind 21

The Reality of Relocation 23

Reservists' Duties 26

Differences Between Military and Civilian Jobs 27

4 Community and Family Resources 30

Government and Nonprofit Organizations 30

Civil Servants vs. Bureaucrats: How to Get Business Done on Base 34

Spouse Clubs and Command Family Support Groups 36

What Are Other Military Wives and Female Service Members Like, Anyway? 38

The Case for Getting Involved 40

5 Protocol, or How to Get Along in a Hierarchy 44

Ranks and Privileges 44

What the Uniform Means 46

Enlisted Rank Insignia 50

And Your Name Is...? 54

What to Wear? The Appropriate Dress for Every Military Occasion 56

6 Your Portable Career 62

Education 68

7 Personal Finances-Military Style 70

How Military Pay Works 70

Reserve Pay 74

How to Read a Leave and Earnings Statement (Pay Stub) 76

Taxable vs. Nontaxable Income 85

Problems with Military Pay 85

Direct Deposit 86

Tax and Regulatory Benefits 87

Lower Your Interest Rates by Going to War 88

Retirement Benefits 89

How Politics Affects Your Retirement 91

Survivor's Benefits and Life Insurance 91

Educational Benefits 93

8 Health Care Benefits 97

Myths About Military vs. Civilian Care 97

Tricare: The HMO for the Military 100

How Tricare's Coverage Rates 102

Tricks for Getting the Best Health Care 103

When a Family Member Has Special Needs106

Tricare Regions and Contact Information 109

Dental Care 112

9 Relocation and Housing 113

Moving Your Household Goods 115

Reimbursement for Your Travel 119

House-Hunting Leave 124

The Logistical Process of Moving with the Military 126

Storage 127

Shipping Your Cars 127

Shipping a Mobile Home 128

Shipping Firearms 129

Relocating Pets 129

Traveling Overseas 130

Moving Out 131

The Big Trip 136

Moving In 136

Housing 139

Easing the Transition to a New Community 144

Pearls of Wisdom for a Great Move 145

Master Relocation Checklist 146

10 Marriage Hoo-ah! 151

Creating a Family Strategy and Lifetime Dreams 151

A Big "If" 158

Calling All Military Men: Better Ways to Communicate with Your Wife 159

Handling Deployment Separation Together 161

Extra Parenting Skills for Military Couples 165

11 The Adventures of Military Life 169

Furnishing a Military Household 169

How to Vacation at Almost No Cost 172

Children's Activities (for Kids from Two to 92) 173

12 What Happens When the Worst Happens-and What to Do 177

When You Must Live Near an Ailing Family Member 177

If you Must Separate from an Abusive Spouse 178

When Your Service Member's Pay Gets Screwed Up and Your Have No Money for Groceries or Bills 178

When You Have Emergency Expenses 178

When You Desperately Need to Track Down a Deployed Service Member 179

When Both Parents or a Single Parent Is in the Military and Forced to Deploy 179

When a Service Member Dies 180

When Your Man Comes Home "Changed" 180

13 Preventing Trouble in Paradise 187

14 Really Stupid Acronyms and Jargon 190

Acknowledgments 199

Index 201

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

"For someone new to military life, adjusting can sometimes be overwhelming. Married to the Military provides great information and a commonsense approach that will help military wives and significant others make the best of their experiences." — Sylvia Kidd, director of family programs for the Association of the U.S. Army (AUSA) and spouse of the Sergeant Major of the Army (Ret.)

Interviews

Oh, Those Men in Uniform!
How to Know if Your Soldier Boy -- and Military Life -- Is Right for You

It doesn't take a war in Iraq to know that men in uniform are sexy. They combine the best of both worlds: the bad boy who kicks butt and the stable, hardworking patriot with husband potential.

Military romances tend to be wild and fast. Stories of two-month courtships and Internet affairs leading to brass-studded weddings abound. Boyfriends and husbands calling up their women to say they have port call in Australia, and can she fly out immediately for some sunny days and hot nights?

The idea of marrying into military life is also appealing. Traveling around the world, teaching your children foreign languages, and racking up some of the most adventurous cocktail stories your friends have ever heard. One woman tells how she and her fellow wives flew to Thailand to meet their husbands as they were heading in for port. They rented a speedboat and buzzed around the aircraft carrier in their bikinis as their husbands (and the rest of the crew) hooted and hollered from the deck above.

But before you agree to meet in him Vegas for a shotgun wedding, consider the myths and hard facts about military men -- and military life -- to make sure you're picking a winner.

Myth #1: All military men are stable providers.

Remember that kid in high school who couldn't get his act together, so he enlisted in the Army? The military services do a great job at cleaning up kids like that. For starters, these guys get clean-shaven faces, sleek haircuts, a buff new bod, and mandatory fashion. Of course they look good! But the new look may be hiding the old loser inside.

Nearly 40 percent of first-year Marine recruits drop out. And most servicemembers only stay in for a couple of years, partly because the services simply don't need a 35-year-old doing what a 20-year-old should be. So ask your dreamboat some hard questions. How long has he been in the military? What has been his career track? Why did he sign up, and what are his future plans? Here's a hint: A 29-year-old first-year recruit probably isn't husband or boyfriend material.

Myth #2: Military pay will support me and my kids.

Many women deliberately marry servicemembers to find a father and financial support for their kids. What they don't know is that servicemembers typically earn 7 percent less than their civilian counterparts. The military makes up for it with free services like healthcare and education benefits, but the fact remains that nearly two-thirds of military spouses must work to support their families.

Myth #3: I've been single so long, I won't mind my husband deploying.

A typical length of deployment for sailors is 6 months minimum, and up to 18 months if he's heading for the Middle East. Don't fool yourself -- or let him fool you -- that he is somehow immune. If your boyfriend doesn't deploy now, it's probably because he's on shore duty or the equivalent. In a year or two, he will be moved to a new post where he will be expected to deploy frequently.

The first deployment is always difficult for couples, but especially newlyweds. The good news is that experienced military spouses learn to cope with it over time and even look forward to it as an opportunity to go back to school, spend time with friends, or take that karate class they've been looking at.

Myth #3: With my husband by my side, relocating around the world will be easy.

Moving can be fun if you're traveling together and living in exotic locations. I've lived all over the United States, including the beaches of San Diego and Panama City, Florida, and a quaint New England autumn in Mystic, Connecticut.

However, moving is never easy. It tops the lists of most stressful events. It's even worse when you are moving to a foreign country. You not only have to learn a new language and culture, but there are reams of paperwork to deal with. Although the military pays for your moving expenses, the average military family loses $800 with every relocation. Your family may live 10 times zones away, and any valuable collectables are guaranteed to get broken by burly movers. Finally, if you are moving to a post where your husband expects to deploy frequently, he may be shipped out within days of arrival, leaving you to unpack, manage the kids, find transportation, and interview for jobs.

Myth #4: I will have no problem progressing in my career as a military wife.

The average military family moves every three years, often to rural or overseas locations. As a result, many wives must readjust their skills and career goals just to stay employed over multiple relocations. For women who are focused on only one career track, military life can thwart their dreams. The good news is that, with the help of modern technology, wives are beginning to start up their own businesses and maintain their jobs across geographic boundaries or at each new base.

Myth #5: My man's job has nothing to do with combat, so I won't have to worry.

Jessica Lynch proves that nearly all positions in the military deploy to combat zones. Troops and ships need medical, computer, logistics, and accounting staff just like they do back home. Like all military spouses and girlfriends, there will come a day when you, too, will be fixated on CNN for any news about your man's unit.

These are the hard facts of military life, and not every woman is equipped to handle them. The key is to turn off the recruitment ads and take a hard look at yourself and your man. Women with an independent spirit, a sense of humor, and solid men can certainly have the adventure of a lifetime. Meredith Leyva

Editorial Reviews

"For someone new to military life, adjusting can sometimes be overwhelming. Married to the Military provides great information and a commonsense approach that will help military wives and significant others make the best of their experiences." — Sylvia Kidd, director of family programs for the Association of the U.S. Army (AUSA) and spouse of the Sergeant Major of the Army (Ret.)

From the Publisher