Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship

( 35 )

Overview

Will I Ever Find My Soul Mate?

Whether you are recently separated, divorced, or you have been in the singles scene for longer than you want, this insightful guide will help you navigate the dating maze and find that special person you've been waiting for.

By discussing the differences between men and women, Mars and Venus on a Date provides ...

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Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship

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Overview

Will I Ever Find My Soul Mate?

Whether you are recently separated, divorced, or you have been in the singles scene for longer than you want, this insightful guide will help you navigate the dating maze and find that special person you've been waiting for.

By discussing the differences between men and women, Mars and Venus on a Date provides singles with:

  • A thorough understanding of the five stages of dating — attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement
  • How to know what kind of person is right for you
  • Answers to burning questions such as why don't men call, or why do some women stay single?
  • The best places to meet your soul mate
  • And advice on creating a loving and mutually fulfilling relationship

Filled with practical guidelines, inventive techniques, and witty insight, Mars and Venus on a Date will help single men and women explore the world of dating, understand how to make good choices, and discover the secret to finding a soul mate.

A guide to navigating the 5 stages of dating to create a loving and lasting relationship.

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Editorial Reviews

Library Journal
You're from another planet if you don't know who wrote this singles dating guide.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780060932213
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 6/28/1999
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 400
  • Sales rank: 135,408
  • Product dimensions: 5.30 (w) x 8.20 (h) x 0.90 (d)

Meet the Author

John  Gray, Ph.D.

John Gray, Ph.D., is one of the world’s leading relationship experts, and an authority on improving communication styles for couples, companies, and communities. His many books have sold more than fifty million copies in fifty different languages worldwide. John lives with his wife and children in northern California.

Biography

To those well versed in therapy-speak and the self-help world, the name John Gray can provoke some eye-rolling and sarcasm: Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We genders need to "learn" to "communicate."

What's remarkable is Gray's role in making this concept so well known. In 1992, when Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus was published, the idea was anything but pedestrian. Indeed, Gray sparked both revolution and debate in the world of gender politics.

His case is simple: "Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict," he wrote in the first chapter of Men Are from Mars. Though the idea is not radical, the implication met with criticism from feminists who said that it tried to reinforce stereotypes; and with accolades from stricken couples who found that Gray did, in fact, help them communicate and understand each other better.

Though naysayers have called into question both Gray's message and his credentials, his appeal is undeniable. Word-of-mouth has proved strong enough to drive sales of Gray's book and its companions -- targeted at everyone from dating singles to coworkers -- into bestsellerdom, with the first title alone selling more than 15 million copies. He has also become a cottage industry of gender relations, with seminars, media appearances, and audio titles bolstering his books.

Gray's style tends to be simple and direct, with analogies along the lines of the title: "Men Are like Blowtorches, Women Are like Ovens" and "Men Pursue and Women Flirt" are typical chapter headers. For those mired in the tricky morass of dealing with the opposite sex, the author's no-nonsense approach is appealing.

In 1999, Gray departed from his relationships milieu to the broader palette of life fulfillment with the parenting guide Children Are from Heaven and How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have, a guide to achieving success while bolstering one's spiritual life via meditation and awareness of worldly challenges. It's a strong statement coming from someone who lived for several years as a monk, but Gray's strong suit with readers remains his relationship tomes. Since the original Mars/Venus title, he has created a franchise that now straddles the realms of love and personal success. His advice obviously rings true with millions of readers.

Good To Know

Gray lives with his wife and three children. He was formerly married to self-help author Barbara De Angelis; the two divorced in 1984.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus was made into a musical stage comedy that opened in Las Vegas. It has also been translated into more than 40 languages.

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    1. Hometown:
      San Francisco, California
    1. Date of Birth:
      1951
    2. Place of Birth:
      Houston, Texas
    1. Education:
      B.A., M.A., Maharishi European Research University; Ph.D., Columbia Pacific University, 1982
    2. Website:

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Mars and Venus on a Date

During my relationship seminars, single women often come up to me and describe in great detail what they thought was a wonderful date. The question that follows is almost always the same. Every one of these women says, "I can't understand why it didn't work out." If everything went so well, each wonders, why didn't he want to pursue the relationship? To most women, men are still a mystery. Their questions often reveal a complete misunderstanding and misinterpretation of men.

Women ask:

  • How do I attract the right guy for me?
  • Why do men talk so much about themselves?
  • Why don't men call back?
  • Why don't men commit?
  • How do you get a man to open up?
  • Why do I have to do everything to make this relationship work?
  • Everything is great, but my partner doesn't want to get married and I do. What can I do?
  • Why do I keep getting involved with the same kind of guy?

A woman's questions tend to revolve around one issue: How do I secure a loving, lasting relationship? Women want to make sure they can get what they need in a relationship. Men, on the other hand, have different questions. Their questions focus on making sure they are successful in their relationships but also reveal a misunderstanding and misinterpretation of women.

Men ask:

  • How do I know what a woman wants?
  • Why are women so indirect about things?
  • Why do we start arguing about the littlest things?
  • Why can't a women just say what she means?
  • How do I know if she is the one?
  • Why does she always want to talk about therelationship?
  • Things are fine now, so why rock the boat and get married?
  • Why do women ask so many questions?

Although men's and women's questions reflect different orientations toward dating, they do have two things in common: Men and women want their relationships to be loving, and they definitely don't understand each other. We feel powerless at times to get what we want in our relationships.

It might seem hopeless, but it is not. Once men and women learn how they approach dating and relationships differently, then we have the necessary information and insight to begin finding the answers to our questions. Without a deeper understanding of our differences, it is inevitable that we will continue to misinterpret our dating partners and create unnecessary problems.

How We Unknowingly Sabotage Relationships

When we misinterpret each other, it can cause us to sabotage our relationships unknowingly. A woman may mistakenly conclude her date is "just another man incapable of making a commitment" and give up. A man may think his date is another woman whose needs may smother him and take away his freedom. As a result, he loses interest.

No matter how sincere you are, if your partner is misinterpreting your innocent and automatic reactions and responses, your attempts to create a relationship may be unsuccessful. It is not enough merely to be authentic in sharing yourself; to succeed in dating you need to consider how you will be interpreted as well. For this reason there are times when we cannot just "be ourselves." Instead, we must hold back our initial gut reactions and measure our responses in ways that will communicate where we are coming from.

Making sense of the opposite sex frees us to make decisions and choices conducive to getting what we want, but in a way that works. To do this, it is essential that we have a deeper understanding of the different worlds we come from. While I have explored many of these differences in my previous book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, there are many issues specifically relevant to being single that were not covered.

A deeper understanding of single men and women can be immensely helpful in navigating through the five different stages of dating: attraction, uncertainty, commitment, intimacy, and engagement. With this new insight, it will be easier to interpret each other's behavior correctly and act accordingly.

The Five Stages Of Dating

Stage One: Attraction

In stage one of dating, we experience our initial attraction to a potential partner. The challenge in this first stage is to make sure you get the opportunity to express that attraction and get to know a potential partner. With a clear understanding of how men and women approach dating differently, you will be able to put your best foot forward.

Stage Two: Uncertainty

In stage two, we experience a shift from feeling attraction to feeling uncertain that our partner is right for us. The challenge in this stage is to recognize this uncertainty as normal and not be swayed by it. To become uncertain doesn't mean that someone is not right for you. When you are dating someone who seems really special to you, it is quite normal suddenly to wonder whether you wish to continue dating that person. Without an understanding of this stage, it is too easy for a man to drift from one partner to another and for a woman to make the mistake of pursuing a man more than he is pursuing her.

Stage Three: Exclusivity

In stage three we feel a desire to date a person exclusively. We want the opportunity to give and receive love in a special relationship without competition. We want to relax and have more time to share with our partner. All of the energy that went into looking for the right person can now go into creating a mutually loving and romantic relationship. The danger in this stage is that we become too comfortable and stop doing the little things that make our partners feel special.

Stage Four: Intimacy

In stage four we begin to experience real intimacy. We feel relaxed enough to let down our guard and share ourselves more deeply than before. The opportunity of this stage is to experience the best in ourselves and our partner, while the challenge to deal with our less-than-best sides. Without an understanding of how men and women react differently to intimacy, it is easy to conclude mistakenly that we are just too different to proceed.

Stage Five: Engagement

In stage five, with the certainty that we are with the person we want to marry, we become engaged. In this stage we have the opportunity to celebrate our love. This is the time to experience our relationship joyfully, happily, peacefully, and lovingly. This is a time of great excitement and promise. Many couples make the mistake of rushing into getting married. They do not understand that this is a vital time to gather positive experiences of sharing together and resolving disagreements and disappointments before the bigger challenges of being married, moving in together, and having a family. This stage provides a strong foundation for experiencing a lifetime of love and romance.

Throughout Mars and Venus on a Date, we will explore in great detail the five stages of dating and the various questions that come up in each stage. Each chapter will provide you with fundamental insights about how men and women approach dating differently so that you can correctly interpret your partner and then choose to respond in ways that will not be misunderstood. In this way you will make use of every opportunity to create the relationship of your dreams.

Dating Can Be Much Easier

Whether you are starting over, just starting to date, or have been dating for years, one thing doesn't seem to change: Dating is awkward and has definite moments of pain and discomfort. For some people, one of the primary motivations for getting married is to avoid dating. Yet dating doesn't have to be so dreary or difficult, nor does it have to seem endless. As a matter of fact, if you are looking for that special someone, the fastest way of finding him or her -- and being found -- is to create positive dating experiences.

Knowing what to expect in each of the five stages of dating makes it incredibly easier. For example, in the first stage -- attraction -- when a woman understands why a man doesn't call back the next day, even when he is attracted and interested, it frees her from worrying unnecessarily. By learning a new approach for calling him that doesn't minimize her position with him, it frees her even more to enjoy the dating process: no more sitting by the phone wondering when he will call.

In a similar way, this understanding of our differences makes the whole process of dating much easier for a man. For example, when a man understands exactly what women need and what he needs to do to satisfy those needs, then it gives him the confidence that he can succeed in winning over the woman he wants and loves. Quite often, what he would want is not necessarily what she wants. By learning these differences, he can understand what to do at each of the five stages.

Read More Show Less

First Chapter

Mars and Venus on a Date
A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship
Chapter One

Mars and Venus on a Date

During my relationship seminars, single women often come up to me and describe in great detail what they thought was a wonderful date. The question that follows is almost always the same. Every one of these women says, "I can't understand why it didn't work out." If everything went so well, each wonders, why didn't he want to pursue the relationship? To most women, men are still a mystery. Their questions often reveal a complete misunderstanding and misinterpretation of men.

Women ask:

  • How do I attract the right guy for me?
  • Why do men talk so much about themselves?
  • Why don't men call back?
  • Why don't men commit?
  • How do you get a man to open up?
  • Why do I have to do everything to make this relationship work?
  • Everything is great, but my partner doesn't want to get married and I do. What can I do?
  • Why do I keep getting involved with the same kind of guy?

A woman's questions tend to revolve around one issue: How do I secure a loving, lasting relationship? Women want to make sure they can get what they need in a relationship. Men, on the other hand, have different questions. Their questions focus on making sure they are successful in their relationships but also reveal a misunderstanding and misinterpretation of women.

Men ask:

  • How do I know what a woman wants?
  • Why are women so indirect about things?
  • Why do we start arguing about the littlest things?
  • Why can't a women just say what she means?
  • How do I know if she is the one?
  • Why does she always want to talk about the relationship?
  • Things are fine now, so why rock the boat and get married?
  • Why do women ask so many questions?

Although men's and women's questions reflect different orientations toward dating, they do have two things in common: Men and women want their relationships to be loving, and they definitely don't understand each other. We feel powerless at times to get what we want in our relationships.

It might seem hopeless, but it is not. Once men and women learn how they approach dating and relationships differently, then we have the necessary information and insight to begin finding the answers to our questions. Without a deeper understanding of our differences, it is inevitable that we will continue to misinterpret our dating partners and create unnecessary problems.

How We Unknowingly Sabotage Relationships

When we misinterpret each other, it can cause us to sabotage our relationships unknowingly. A woman may mistakenly conclude her date is "just another man incapable of making a commitment" and give up. A man may think his date is another woman whose needs may smother him and take away his freedom. As a result, he loses interest.

No matter how sincere you are, if your partner is misinterpreting your innocent and automatic reactions and responses, your attempts to create a relationship may be unsuccessful. It is not enough merely to be authentic in sharing yourself; to succeed in dating you need to consider how you will be interpreted as well. For this reason there are times when we cannot just "be ourselves." Instead, we must hold back our initial gut reactions and measure our responses in ways that will communicate where we are coming from.

Making sense of the opposite sex frees us to make decisions and choices conducive to getting what we want, but in a way that works. To do this, it is essential that we have a deeper understanding of the different worlds we come from. While I have explored many of these differences in my previous book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, there are many issues specifically relevant to being single that were not covered.

A deeper understanding of single men and women can be immensely helpful in navigating through the five different stages of dating: attraction, uncertainty, commitment, intimacy, and engagement. With this new insight, it will be easier to interpret each other's behavior correctly and act accordingly.

The Five Stages Of Dating

Stage One: Attraction

In stage one of dating, we experience our initial attraction to a potential partner. The challenge in this first stage is to make sure you get the opportunity to express that attraction and get to know a potential partner. With a clear understanding of how men and women approach dating differently, you will be able to put your best foot forward.

Stage Two: Uncertainty

In stage two, we experience a shift from feeling attraction to feeling uncertain that our partner is right for us. The challenge in this stage is to recognize this uncertainty as normal and not be swayed by it. To become uncertain doesn't mean that someone is not right for you. When you are dating someone who seems really special to you, it is quite normal suddenly to wonder whether you wish to continue dating that person. Without an understanding of this stage, it is too easy for a man to drift from one partner to another and for a woman to make the mistake of pursuing a man more than he is pursuing her.

Stage Three: Exclusivity

In stage three we feel a desire to date a person exclusively. We want the opportunity to give and receive love in a special relationship without competition. We want to relax and have more time to share with our partner. All of the energy that went into looking for the right person can now go into creating a mutually loving and romantic relationship. The danger in this stage is that we become too comfortable and stop doing the little things that make our partners feel special.

Stage Four: Intimacy

In stage four we begin to experience real intimacy. We feel relaxed enough to let down our guard and share ourselves more deeply than before. The opportunity of this stage is to experience the best in ourselves and our partner, while the challenge to deal with our less-than-best sides. Without an understanding of how men and women react differently to intimacy, it is easy to conclude mistakenly that we are just too different to proceed.

Stage Five: Engagement

In stage five, with the certainty that we are with the person we want to marry, we become engaged. In this stage we have the opportunity to celebrate our love. This is the time to experience our relationship joyfully, happily, peacefully, and lovingly. This is a time of great excitement and promise. Many couples make the mistake of rushing into getting married. They do not understand that this is a vital time to gather positive experiences of sharing together and resolving disagreements and disappointments before the bigger challenges of being married, moving in together, and having a family. This stage provides a strong foundation for experiencing a lifetime of love and romance.

Throughout Mars and Venus on a Date, we will explore in great detail the five stages of dating and the various questions that come up in each stage. Each chapter will provide you with fundamental insights about how men and women approach dating differently so that you can correctly interpret your partner and then choose to respond in ways that will not be misunderstood. In this way you will make use of every opportunity to create the relationship of your dreams.

Dating Can Be Much Easier

Whether you are starting over, just starting to date, or have been dating for years, one thing doesn't seem to change: Dating is awkward and has definite moments of pain and discomfort. For some people, one of the primary motivations for getting married is to avoid dating. Yet dating doesn't have to be so dreary or difficult, nor does it have to seem endless. As a matter of fact, if you are looking for that special someone, the fastest way of finding him or her -- and being found -- is to create positive dating experiences.

Knowing what to expect in each of the five stages of dating makes it incredibly easier. For example, in the first stage -- attraction -- when a woman understands why a man doesn't call back the next day, even when he is attracted and interested, it frees her from worrying unnecessarily. By learning a new approach for calling him that doesn't minimize her position with him, it frees her even more to enjoy the dating process: no more sitting by the phone wondering when he will call.

In a similar way, this understanding of our differences makes the whole process of dating much easier for a man. For example, when a man understands exactly what women need and what he needs to do to satisfy those needs, then it gives him the confidence that he can succeed in winning over the woman he wants and loves. Quite often, what he would want is not necessarily what she wants. By learning these differences, he can understand what to do at each of the five stages.

Mars and Venus on a Date
A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship
. Copyright © by John Gray. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 35 )
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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 35 Customer Reviews
  • Posted August 4, 2010

    5 Stars! A must read before jumping into a new relationship! Wish I had read this book earlier!

    I picked up this book on a whim after having recently jumped back into the dating pool after a long, self-imposed dry spell. I was feeling very down in the dumps after a "great date" that then didn't go anywhere. What is the problem? Is it me? Is it him? Did I do something wrong? Did he? This book has answers for all of that. I especially loved Gray's explanation for the 5 stages of relationships: Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy and Engagement. What I learned is that it's all a matter of learning where you - and your partner - are in the 5 stages. It's never going to work if you're not in the same place. By being aware of what stage both of you are in, you can modify your actions and reactions suitable to the proper stage. Wish I had known that before blowing things with the "great date" guy! Now that I understand the stages, I can plan my reactions differently for the next guy.
    This book is NOT about hiding who you are. Instead, it's about recognizing the patterns we fall into, and offers advice for how to slow down and stop having unrealistic expectations. If your partner is still in an earlier stage, Gray's book offers advice for how to step back to the earlier stage yourself, until you can both move into the next stage together.

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 3, 2009

    Very Helpful

    I love this book, it has so much information and is very accurate to the real world. I have read some stuff in this book that I know I have done in the past and sit and wonder what ever happened? Now I know. Very informational and encouraging to someone starting over or wanting to find a good man. I find these types of books are essential to starting a new relationship off fresh and on the right track.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 30, 2000

    a woman wants respect

    John Gray knows and understands the respect a woman wants from a man on a date.He explains what a woman needs to feel cherished and what a man needs to feel he can someday get somewhere with the woman,but on the woman's terms not his,because the man's terms will lead to sex before the woman is ready and she will feel used. John Gray takes pressure off the woman,and helps the man understand how to keep a woman's interest.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 23, 2000

    All the things I did not know!!!!

    Finially a book has been written that unlocks the mysteries of dating. I have been more sucessful in dating after reading this book. I definately recommend this book to all the single people in this world.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 26, 2011

    Amazing!!!!!!!!!

    I love this book! Made me feel better after a break up ! If u want the secrets, they are in here. ;)

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted April 11, 2011

    Read this book!

    To better communicate with a significant other, I highly recommend reading this book. All of the questions I ever had about Men's behavior was answered. Now I understand how to communicate for a stronger, meaningful and deeper relationship. Because I am discerning, I like that this book was written by a trained professional. Great book, I'm buying a hard copy and am definitely a John Gray fan now!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 13, 2005

    Wise and results guaranteed

    I married early and divorced after 10years. I needed a refresher on how to date and I picked the first book I saw that had an appropriate title... A great source, very simple and wise at the same time. The book not only tells you dos and don'ts, but explains why with the focus on the differences between men and women. I have recently failed a relationship that was promising to be great and, after reading the book, I have an answer. It's all about stages and a gradual transformation from one level to another. I started my last relationship from the fourth level and I am glad I've read this book - it will save me from another disaster. I highly recommend it to everybody, who is not married.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 9, 2005

    Gray is saying to women 'if you want a man be less than you are.

    Gray seems to think women should not be too aggressive,let the man lead and make him feel like 'he's a man with a plan'.He gives me the impression that if a woman is herself meaning confident,assertive and smart,she won't release masculine protection in the man and the man will be turned off.Thia is very poor advice.Women beware of the games Gray will have you playing to get a man interested in you. What he is basically saying is ,you have to walk all over your personality and strengths to get a man.Very sad,very poor advice,especially to women!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 19, 2003

    Backwards Approach

    As I read through this book it simply did not make sense to me. Men and women are not that different and by pointing out the differences between the opposite sex it just leads to game playing.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 26, 2002

    A Wonderful Guide to Dating

    This book was well written. I began reading the book when I saw it at Barnes and Noble, little did I know that I would be so hooked! I was stunned by the accuracy of the information dealing with dating. It really made me think about past relationships and it helped me find out what went wrong (although I haven't been in many relationships.) Highly Recommended!!!!! It'll help you out in this 'dating' game we all play.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 24, 2001

    Dating Again

    I have recently started dating again after a very LONG break and this book really helped me to understand why dating was such a disaster for me before.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 1, 2000

    This book is my 'Bible' on relationships

    This book really gives a break-down of what is really going on with men and I love the Stages that are very rellevant to entering into a successful relationship.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted December 11, 1999

    THE BOOK IS OFF THE HOOK

    I REALLY ENJOYED THE BOOK, IT REALLY HELP ME TO SEE THE DIFFERENT VIEWS OF MEN AND WOMEN IN THE DATING WORLD,BASCIALLY THE BOOK IS THE BOMB BECAUSE I AM TAKING SOME POINTERS FROM THE BOOK AND USING THEM IN MY CURRENT REALATIONSHIP,WHICH IS THE GUY OF MY DREAMS

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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    Posted June 2, 2011

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    Posted August 2, 2011

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    Posted September 19, 2011

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    Posted January 7, 2010

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    Posted June 7, 2012

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    Posted November 9, 2012

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    Posted May 22, 2011

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