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Mary's Prayer
By Mary McGuinness Balboa Press
Copyright © 2014 Mary McGuinness
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-2071-1
CHAPTER 1
Growing Up
I was born in the summer of 1966 in Coatbridge in central Scotland. The town itself had become popular with immigrants from Northern Ireland looking for work. Coatbridge had been important during the Industrial Revolution, with the ironworks, mining works, steel works, and many factories. My great-grandparents moved here from Northern Ireland at the turn of the twentieth century to make a better life for their families. Education was always important to improve our circumstances.
Mine was a happy childhood, being part of a large extended family. My father worked in the construction business, and my mother was a housewife. Lena, my sister, was my guiding light from an early age. We lived in the same street as my maternal grandmother, in close proximity to my aunts, uncles and their families. My grandmother's house was the meeting point for the relatives. I was the youngest on the maternal side of the family amongst the cousins. My parents were both the second youngest in their families. Therefore, many of my cousins were much older than I. Many of my uncles had served in the Second World War, and we heard the stories of where they travelled and how important it was to them while they were fighting to know they had a family back home.
I started St Patrick's Primary School in August 1971. A whole new world opened up for me there. I loved learning and meeting new friends from the other side of town. The teachers were inspirational, and they prepared us for life. Education was very important to me, and I had a natural aptitude for many subjects. After my homework was done, I loved to play at the nearby park. Every Sunday, we visited my paternal grandparents, who lived about four miles from Coatbridge; we met up with the rest of the family there.
The summer holidays of my childhood were spent every year in Blackpool, on the North-West coast of England. Before the package holidays to Spain in the 1970s, many people from the area in which I lived travelled there during the Glasgow Fair Fortnight, which was held in the middle of July. The weather was good in those days, and even if it rained in Blackpool, there was enough entertainment to keep us happy. The Pleasure Beach, the amusement arcades, the Winter Gardens where the Beatles played years earlier and the Opera House were great places to visit. The town had a seven-mile promenade and three Victorian piers with lots of entertainment all year round. Many of my cousins and their parents travelled with us to Blackpool. There were always lots of people around me, and as a result, I made friends easily.
My maternal grandmother died in June 1974, just before my eighth birthday. On reflection, this must have made a tremendous impact on my life, as I had spent a lot of time with her. Before my grandmother died, she gave me her prayer book, which had been a gift to her from one of my uncles in 1954. I remember her funeral and walking from her house to St Patrick's Church the night before. So many people lined the streets. One of my aunts died later that year, and much grief was expressed within the family. I don't remember crying much in those days, and perhaps it was then that I learned to suppress the unhappiness.
Secondary school was interesting, and there were many great teachers there. I had a natural aptitude for mathematics and chemistry. My ambition was to study at Glasgow University, and I achieved this goal in autumn of 1984. Glasgow University changed my life. It was a historical campus with many beautiful buildings. I loved university life. I commuted every day from my hometown, as I didn't live far enough away from the campus to be allowed to stay there. In my penultimate year, I studied psychology for one year, and I wished I had taken the subject in the first year of my studies. I graduated in July 1988 with a Bachelor of Science in Mathematics.
When I studied at Glasgow University, I believed I would never look back. I was a fairly sociable person, and I had no problems meeting new friends. In those days, it was still possible to receive a small grant, initially to cover books, travelling expenses and the contribution to my parents for household expenses. Although I had many friends there, I still tended to socialise with my school friends in Coatbridge. Occasionally we would go to concerts at Glasgow or Strathclyde University. I maintained contact with my school friend Maria for many years and some of the girls who had also gone to university with me from school.
It was difficult in those days to find graduate jobs, and I considered going to college for another year to become a mathematics teacher. However, I became interested in studying for a diploma in accountancy, and I moved to the Riccarton Campus of Heriot-Watt University in Edinburgh for one year.
Living in Edinburgh was a great experience. The campus was about six miles from the City Centre. Whenever we went into the city, I greatly admired the castle and the old town. Students from all over the world attended the university, but mainly from Norway, Ireland and England. I enjoyed the course, although it was demanding. I stayed in the halls of residence and shared with Aina, a Norwegian girl; Helene, a French girl; and Agatha from Tanzania. Also in the same corridor was Arvid from Munich and three other English guys. My friends, Greig and Ahsan from my course, also lived in the halls of residence. We had a great time on campus. Every night, we would have dinner together and discuss our day. I became interested in foreign music, and I introduced them to the music I liked too. In fact, in those early days at Heriot-Watt, I felt like the foreigner in my own country! It was difficult to make myself understood at times. I also became interested in travelling that year, and I planned to visit my friends in their respective countries. I kept in touch with them by writing or phoning, and I did visit Aina in Oslo on several occasions and Arvid in Munich throughout the years. With email and the Internet, it became easier to keep in touch in the following years. Their lives had changed too, which sometimes made visiting them more difficult.
I was very fortunate when I left Heriot-Watt University in 1990 to find a traineeship as a chartered accountant in my hometown of Coatbridge. It was difficult to settle, however, as the last year had been very interesting with international friends; also, working in my own town presented certain challenges. The staff were supportive, though, and I learned a great deal in the four years I worked there. There was block release for the courses, and I passed the final exam first try. After qualifying as a chartered accountant in 1994, it was time to move on, as I had always wanted to work in Glasgow.
Trying to find work in Glasgow in 1994 was difficult. I registered with employment agencies, and they all said the same thing: it was difficult to move to larger firms after training in a small one. I persevered though, and I mainly found contract work for the next two years. It was well paid, and I still managed to go on holidays, but there was no job security. I had to join new firms, learn to deal with different ways of working, new clients and different computer systems, so it was quite stressful, not knowing whether there would be another contract. I was constantly looking for permanent work.
In 1996, I found permanent work in a firm of chartered accountants, and it was the happiest I had been since my training contract had finished. In the early days, I thought I had a good opportunity there. When I was interviewed for the job, I liked the partner, and I thought I would remain there for most of my career. The work was interesting, and I was out of the office, working at client premises most of the time. At times, it was difficult, as there was not a great support system should anything go wrong.
After a few years, I did feel pressured with the work and the environment. I started worrying about meeting the never-ending deadlines, coping with the clients and ultimately keeping my job. It led to sleepless nights, and by 1999, I was becoming ill emotionally. I suppose there were signs, but I was unaware of them. I was stressed all the time, and I found it difficult to switch off from thinking about my problems. The work was on my mind twenty-four hours a day. Even when I was out socially, I was thinking about what I had to do the next day. One of my colleagues was a great help to me, and he tried to assist me at times, but unfortunately, I became ill because of a nervous breakdown in January 1999.
There were other reasons why I had been stressed. I was worried about my dad, as he had to undergo heart bypass surgery within the next year, and we were unaware how successful these operations were at the time. My dad had to retire from work at this time and wait for the operation to take place. Therefore, there were high demands being placed on me with respect to work and my personal life.
Different people have various methods for coping with pressure. There are many thresholds for stress, depending on the activity required and the person involved. Nowadays, health professionals suggest that we walk in nature in order to release stress. I find walking with purpose is helpful.
Whatever the reason for the breakdown in my health, it was the first time I realised the social stigma of having the illness and the problems associated with trying to return to work. Losing work is not only a financial problem, but there is also the loss of identity related to one's profession. I was known for being a chartered accountant, and for several years, I drifted, trying to find alternative purpose to my life.
CHAPTER 2
Mary's Prayer
My faith has always been important to me. It has carried me through many difficult years. From an early age, music was also essential to my life. I listened to it at school, at home and at church. It was predominantly the music of John Lennon and the Beatles that I listened to during my confinement, but I love all kinds of music. Searching for answers to why I had suffered a nervous breakdown and subsequent relapses led me to study for a degree in psychology. Education had been important in the lives of our family. Travel has been instrumental in changing my life, through learning about different cultures. However, in the years when I was ill and unable to leave my own country, I became reacquainted with the beauty of Scotland and the strength of our people. It is interesting that although we travel, we still retain our own identity. Meeting people from different countries allows us to see that there are other ways of life. Once I had recovered significantly, I travelled to Liverpool, England, which re-energised me and afforded me a new direction.
"Mary's Prayer" was a number-one hit by the Scottish band Danny Wilson in 1988 (Clark 1987). The band members were Gary and Kit Clark and Ged Grimes, now of Simple Minds. The year it was a hit in the charts was very important in my life because I graduated from Glasgow University. I knew I wanted to write the story of how I recovered from a long-term illness and managed to turn my life around. In September 2012, I contacted Gary Clark, who wrote the song and I am very happy to say that he gave me his blessing to use the title for my book.
This song was always special to me, and it had greater significance as I grew older.
In times of despair, I prayed relentlessly, asking for help and often feeling that my pleas would remain unanswered prayers. It was at Lourdes in France that I first realised the power of prayer. There, people from all over the world come to the Grotto at Massabielle, where the Virgin Mary was thought to appear to St. Bernadette, to pray for their loved ones. I believe that great gifts were bestowed on me that day, and I may have even experienced a miracle. In Lourdes, I felt humbled by the people who carried their cross with a feeling of acceptance. It was during that pilgrimage that I really experienced the presence of God and the strength of the human spirit.
The reason I chose this song title for the book is that it is my prayer for society and in particular people affected by mental illness who are marginalised by society, so that they may find peace in the twenty-first century. In the past, people suffering from such illnesses were locked in institutions, disabled by brain surgery or by medications. I hope that this would encourage future research of a phenomenological nature into the subject and shed some light on the uniqueness of the human experience. (Phenomenology is the study of the lived experience of an individual.)
My life was turned upside down by a depressive illness, which I attribute mainly to the high-pressure environment in which I worked at the time and the lack of understanding I received when I returned to work. I had followed the rule book, making sure I had a good education and a profession, yet illness is a great equalizer. It was a lonely place to be and a difficult situation to cope with because even my family did not really understand why I was in this circumstance, and I did not discuss it with my friends.
Somehow, in the last few years, I managed to meet the right people, and I was drawn to the right books, films, songs, and singers that provided insights for me. Unfortunately, being on benefits with debts to pay, I was not in a position to travel to India to find myself like the protagonist did in Eat, Pray, Love. Therefore, I had to find myself in my own hometown, in Glasgow and in the city of Liverpool. Actually, I found myself in books and in the lyrics of songs. In spending more time with my family, I found common bonds which would have not have been identified had I not been ill. Studying for a degree in psychology has been an amazing journey. I have grown and also found some solutions for my own problems, which I hope will help others move forward in their lives. I decided to take this route because I had the time to study for the course and I wanted to prove to myself that I could still perform well in exams.
Maybe Mary's Prayer will make people realise that they should exercise their civil rights and ask for better treatment or second opinions. It would be a step forward if the cycle of return periods in the hospitals were broken and they had a more relaxed atmosphere. My hope is that this book will raise awareness to eradicate the stigma.
The "See Me" mental-health campaign in Scotland has been successful over the last decade or so. It asks that people who are not ill actually see the sufferers as people and not as the label they were diagnosed with. Ironically, at the time I'm writing this chapter, someone I had known throughout this period made me realise that he did not "see me" either – despite my achievements prior to and after the breakdown. For a few days, this fact caused me some pain; however, I quickly moved on and realised that the person involved was not the character I had believed him to be. It made me reflect; that if a person as qualified as myself, felt less because of these superficial comments, then how would someone feel who had not worked for many years because of their illness. Such a person would probably feel that confiding in someone was worthless because they lacked understanding of the illness and the sufferer's unique story. I asked everyone imaginable for help but to no avail. I still found it impossible to return to the workforce.
Reflections on this fourteen-year period of illness are easier now because I am far enough removed from it to feel somewhat detached from the experience. I hope that in years to come, I feel the same way. I believe that the way of thinking I had then perhaps contributed to the breakdown of my health. I hope that in future, there would be an extreme unlikelihood of this ever happening again.
Whilst going in search of answers, you sometimes find more than you were actually looking for. I found many truths about myself which I was forced to confront, and I kept the faith throughout this experience.
It was my introduction to humanistic psychology that helped me come to terms with the fact that perhaps I did not have to delve into the distant past to solve my recurring problems. I knew that to go where I wanted to required only a subtle change in my way of thinking; it would be necessary to take action towards these goals. However, it was reflections on my childhood that made me revisit the past. Unlike in psychoanalysis, humanistic psychology does not look for answers in the past, but rather concentrates on how the patient can move forward. It is therefore possible to transcend your experiences.
The period of confinement during which I had little contact with people my own age seemed rather harsh. In this way, I no longer feel I have to ask "Why me?" but to say "There by the grace of God", I was healed by the power of prayer. I hope my story will lighten the hearts of those who suffer in silence in the community or within their own walls.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Mary's Prayer by Mary McGuinness. Copyright © 2014 Mary McGuinness. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
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