Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse

Mending the Soul
Copyright © 2005 by Steven R. Tracy
Requests for information should be addressed to:
Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Tracy, Steven R.
Mending the Soul : understanding and healing abuse / Steven R. Tracy.--1st ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and indexes.
ISBN 0-310-25971-1 (hardcover)
1. Sexually abused children--Pastoral counseling of. 2. Adult child sexual abuse
victims--Pastoral counseling of. 3. Child sexual abuse--Religious aspects--Christianity.
4. Abused children--Pastoral counseling of. 5. Adult abuse victims--Pastoral counseling of.
6. Child abuse--Religious aspects--Christianity. I. Title.
BV4464.3.T73 2005
259'.1--dc22 2004025695
ISBN-13: 978-0-310-25971-1
This edition printed on acid-free paper.
All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the New American Standard
Bible. Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman
Foundation. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version®. NIV®.
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All
rights reserved.
The website addresses mentioned in the endnotes are offered as a resource to you. These websites are
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for their content for the life of this book.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted in anyform or by any means--electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any
other--except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
Interior design by Tracey Walker
Printed in the United States of America
05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 /?DCI/ 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Stories and examples used in the book are based on actual events, but various details have
been changed to preserve anonymity of the individuals involved. In several instances, stories are
composites of two or more actual events.
The information in this book should not be construed as professional or legal counsel. Readers
are encouraged to consult legal and medical professionals with specific questions or concerns.
The author and the publisher expressly disclaim responsibility for any adverse effects resulting
from application of the information contained herein.

chapter 1
a wake-up call regarding the extent and power of abuse

Mary sobbed uncontrollably on the bathroom floor. Her mother
stroked her hair and held her until she could finally speak. Mary's
first day of high school had been a parent's worst nightmare. She had
gotten into a fight with a classmate, had threatened the principal, and was on
the verge of being expelled from school. Mary's parents, missionaries with a
Christian organization in the inner city of San Francisco, were beside themselves.
Ever since she entered adolescence, Mary had grown increasingly rebellious and
withdrawn. The precocious little girl who wore fairy dresses and drew pictures
of puppies now wore black and drew pictures of corpses. Mary attempted suicide
twice in junior high. In fits of rage she would curse her parents for not
aborting her before she was born. Her parents sought help from counselors,
their youth pastor, and even the family doctor, but nothing seemed to help. It
felt as though they were in a losing battle with an invisible demon that was consuming
their daughter's very soul.
Finally Mary began to speak to her mother in barely audible whispers. She
told about a boy at school who had threatened her friend. As her mother began
to question the depth of her rage at the boy, the long-invisible dragon began to
take shape. Her cruel classmate had triggered dark memories she had spent years
trying to escape. Finally she could no longer hold back the terrible images. She
shamefully recounted that five years earlier, her cousin had sexually molested
her over a period of two years while he was babysitting her. The molesting
stopped once her family moved to San Francisco, but her cousin continued to
make sexually suggestive comments whenever she came to visit.

Mary's parents immediately contacted the authorities and the rest of the
family. The authorities chose not to prosecute the case, since there was no physical
evidence. The extended family turned on Mary and her parents with a
vengeance. They accused Mary of trying to destroy the family by making up lies.
They accused Mary's parents of using the cousin as a scapegoat for their poor
parenting. They threatened to report Mary's parents to the mission board to get
them removed from their ministry. Even when three other children came forward
and reported that the cousin had fondled them, the entire extended family
refused to believe or support Mary. They argued that if the cousin had done
something inappropriate to Mary, it was in the past, and she was obligated to
forgive and forget. To add insult to injury, they rebuked Mary for her anger
toward her cousin and said it showed how sinful and unchristian she really was.
Two years after disclosing the abuse, Mary still wasn't sure she could believe in
a God who watched her cousin molest her but did nothing to stop it.
I wish Mary's story were merely a hypothetical example. It is not. My ministry
to Mary and her family has permanently transformed my understanding of
abuse. It also raises troubling questions for all Christians:
• How widespread is abuse?
• How can abuse that happened years earlier continue to have an impact?
• How can parents, youth workers, and single adults looking for life
partners identify potential abusers?
• How can abuse victims heal?
• What does genuine healing look like?
• Where does forgiveness fit in?
These are some of the questions this book seeks to answer. For all too long
the church has ignored or even covered up abuse. By God's grace this must
change.
Mending the Soul is divided into three parts. Part 1 addresses the nature of
abuse. Here I will seek to give a biblical explanation for abuse, define exactly
what constitutes abuse, and look at the characteristics of abusers and abusive
families. I'll examine five different kinds of abuse, all of which distort the image
of God and hence are very damaging.
Part 2 explains the effects of abuse. Abuse victims and those who seek to
minister to them must understand the way abuse impacts the soul before a plan
for healing can be mapped out. All too often, well-meaning Christians spout
Bible verses to cure very complex problems such as abuse. Scripture does give
us a path to healing, but we cannot use Scripture properly until we have a keen
grasp of the nature of abuse and the damage that needs to be healed.1 More
specifically, I'll look at shame, deadness, powerlessness, and isolation as four of
the most persistent and destructive effects of abuse. I will also relate these effects
of abuse to our being made in the image of God, for it is only when we see abuse
from the vantage point of our unique creation as divine image bearers that we
can understand the soul damage created by abuse.
Part 3 will provide a path to healing. I'll specifically discuss facing the brokenness
caused by the abuse, coming alive from deadness and numbness, learning
to love and trust God, and understanding the role and practice of
forgiveness. This section will conclude with an epilogue written by a sexual abuse
survivor, who shares how God helped her heal, and will also include her
thoughts on how churches and Christian leaders can minister to the abused.
I've also included five appendixes I developed in pastoral ministry: a sample
child protection policy, a written application to work with minors, an oral
screening form, a summary of warning signs of potential abusers, and a listing
of Bible passages that address abuse. I've written this book to be an accessible
handbook for the wounded and for the shepherds (both lay and professional)
who seek to care for them. Therefore, I have tried to keep technical discussion
to a minimum. For those who desire a more nuanced discussion of the issues
and documentation of sources, I have provided ample endnotes.
Before we begin our formal look at the nature of abuse, I'd like you to be
aware of three of the premises that shape my model of abuse and healing.
I, like many who were blessed to have grown up in a loving home, have had a
very difficult time accepting the reality of abuse, particularly in Christian homes.
Years ago, when I was a young pastor in a vibrant church, I was deeply offended
when the women's ministry invited a special speaker to address the topic of
domestic violence.