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DEPRAVED, OFFENSIVE, AND HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE!
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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had a spoon in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup, I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a management consultant to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save fifteen man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and the waiter was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely, so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the phone books under "Escorts and Massages."
He opened the phone book to an ad for a lovely girl calling herself Erotique, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. So he was in his room and figured, what the hell, and gave her a call.
"Hello?" the woman said. God, she sounded sexy!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She said, "That sounds fantastic... but for an outside line you need to press 9."
A hooker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, Social Security number, etc., and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that won't work; too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "Okay, I'm a high-end call girl."
"Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "How about 'elite chicken farmer'?"
Stunned, the accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a high-end call girl?"
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you a hundred dollars, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets eighty dollars and the girls get twenty dollars."
Mighty offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued, until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you a hundred dollars, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get eighty dollars and the house gets twenty dollars."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money." She tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a f***in' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a f***in' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said. "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a f***in' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see, sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
There is a factory in East Texas that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you squeeze it.
Loretta is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8 a.m.
The next day at 8:45 a.m., there is a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about Loretta. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Loretta, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager bursts out laughing. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Loretta. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
What happens when I'm at work and I have to poop?
We've all been there, but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something abrew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the work poop is inevitable.
For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as we do, we give you
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure:
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing a police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so as to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall to the sink or the door after you have just stunk up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a courtesy flush.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out of the Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN: A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. Turd Burglars have been known to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably means you pinch one off in the middle.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately, so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo-Cough.
HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait until the bathroom is empty to drop your load. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLYBY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," she said. "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my car."
Dave walks into a house of ill repute in Nevada and says, "I'll give twenty thousand dollars to any woman here who'll come into the desert with me and f*** my way."
One of the ladies agrees, and off they go driving into the desert. After about an hour of hot sex, she gets curious and asks him, "Just what is your way?"
A bill collector came knocking at the door of a woman who had fallen behind on her bills. "All right, lady," said the bill collector. "How about the next installment on that couch?"
The lady shrugged. "I guess that's better than having to give you money."
The boss came in early one morning and found his manager kissing and fondling his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied, "No, sir, this I do free of charge."
Goldstein, in his late eighties and still gainfully employed as a ribbon salesman, had been trying unsuccessfully for many years to sell ribbon to Macy's.
Last week, he was making another attempt and was speaking to the hard-nosed son-of a-bitch buyer.
"Goldstein," the buyer said, "you've been trying to sell ribbon to me for at least twenty-five years. Now is your chance. Send me some yellow ribbon, enough to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."
Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drove up to the receiving dock at Macy's. The ribbon buyer went ballistic. He called Goldstein and said, "I ordered yellow ribbon, enough to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send four tractor trailers full of ribbon."
Goldstein replied, "Yes, but the tip of my penis is in Poland."
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
The husband immediately drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story...
"This morning my alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.
"I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store open and started waiting on these people and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook.
"Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it... all of them hit the floor and broke.
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no letup, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
The Perfect CALLING IN SICK
Employee: "I'm sorry but I can't come in today... my doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma."
Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"
Employee: "I just can't see my ass coming to work!"
Seeking a loan from a bank, an inventor told his banker that he'd discovered a remarkable substance that, brushed lightly over a lady's pussy, would give it an orange flavor.
"No good," the banker responded, after some thought. "But if you can invent something to put into an orange that will make it taste like pussy, you can have your loan and we'll both be rich!"
An old lady was in the carpet store. Bending over, she touched a swatch of carpet and farted. When she got up, she noticed a salesman standing behind her.
She then asked the salesman, "How much is this carpet?"
The salesman replied, "Well, lady...if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap when you hear the price."
Copyright © 2007 by Platinum Press LLC