Mr. K's Book of Really Nasty Jokes

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"This book made me laugh so hard I dropped my dentures into my soup!" --Hiram Crimp, author of Never Trust a Fart: Surviving Old Age with Dignity

Mr. K is a...

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Overview

Here's what they're saying about Mr. K's Book of Really Nasty Jokes:

"I couldn't put it down!" --Benny the Shoplifter, Ferd, New Jersey

"Vile. . .utterly disgusting. . .shockingly repulsive. . .and that was just the copyright page!" --Miss Henrietta Starch, Librarian, Prairie Oyster, Texas

"This book made me laugh so hard I dropped my dentures into my soup!" --Hiram Crimp, author of Never Trust a Fart: Surviving Old Age with Dignity

Mr. K is a pseudonym. He has worked as a pimp in a leper colony in Guatemala, a crash test dummy in Detroit, and a deep sea fisherman in Iowa. From 1989 through 1992 he was in the Federal Witness Protection Program until he was booted out for marrying a horse. He is the author of The Looter's Guide to American Cities and Dial M for Martyr: Suicide Bombing for Beginners. He lives in Oatmeal, Nebraska, with his wife, the former Miss Tequila Mockingbird.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780806528397
  • Publisher: Kensington Publishing Corporation
  • Publication date: 7/1/2007
  • Pages: 112
  • Product dimensions: 5.50 (w) x 8.50 (h) x 0.27 (d)

Read an Excerpt

Mr. K's Book of Really Nasty Jokes


By Mr. K

CITADEL PRESS

Copyright © 2007 Kensington Publishing Corp.
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-8065-2839-7


Chapter One

Why don't Arabs take their wives to soccer games?

Because they jump the fence and eat the grass.

* * *

An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office.

The doctor said, "I'll be doing a vaginal examination now."

She said, "Oh, Doctor, is that really necessary?"

He said, "Listen, who's the chiropractor here, you or me?"

* * *

Woman: Help, help, an Irishman tried to rape me!

Cop: How do you know he was Irish?

Woman: I had to help him.

* * *

What are the three rules of old age?

1. Never pass a bathroom.

2. Never waste a hard-on.

3. Never trust a fart.

* * *

Billy Bob and Luther are talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

"Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnantagain."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

* * *

What do you call five Mexicans pushing a car to a construction site?

A carpool.

* * *

How many Ethiopians fit in an elevator?

All of them!

* * *

Why did the Muslim stop eating his wife?

He heard someone call her a pig.

* * *

Did you hear about the Mexican who ate pussy?

He choked to death on a kitten.

* * *

A guy goes to a whorehouse in Vegas. All he wants to do is eat pussy, so he's sent upstairs to the third door on the left. Inside is a beautiful redhead. She uncrosses her legs and says to him, "Okay, big boy. You like to eat pussy? Well, chow down."

The guy hops on the bed and starts licking the whore's snatch. Something gets stuck to his tongue. It's a little piece of a carrot. He spits it out and goes on licking, then gets a green pea stuck to his tongue. He spits it out and continues eating her snatch. A little piece of potato ends up in his mouth.

He spits it out and asks the whore, "Are you sick or something?"

The whore says, "No, but the guy before you was."

* * *

What does a Jewish answering machine sound like?

"Sorry, I'm not home to take your call. At the tone, please leave your bad news."

* * *

What's the best part of taking a vacation in Puerto Rico?

Getting to visit your hubcaps.

* * *

Two men were driving through South Dakota when they got pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and whack, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in South Dakota, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in South Dakota, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, Officer," the driver said. "I'm from California and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license-he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and whack, the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making what wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"I know you big-city types," the trooper says. "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

Alternative Titles for Brokeback Mountain

Oklahomo High Nooner The Magnificent Seven Inches Jeremiah's Johnson Butch Assidy and the Bundance Kid The Man Who Blew Liberty Valance How the West Was Hung The Legend of the Long Ranger Doc's Holiday with Billy the Kid Lonesome Doug A Fistful of Ned Quickly down Under Bareback Mounting Bone-nanza Rooster's Cockburns Prances with Wolves Baloney Pony Rodeo Tubesteak Cowboys Little Bathhouse on the Prairie The Good, the Bad, and the Fabulous The Crisco Kid Seven Guys for Seven Brothers

* * *

Ten Western Phrases You Can't Use Anymore Because of Brokeback Mountain

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret-I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. "You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slowlike."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride 'em cowboy!"

* * *

What did Ray Nagin, the mayor of New Orleans, say when asked his views on Roe vs. Wade?

He said he didn't care how people got back to their houses.

* * *

How can you tell that a female bartender is really pissed at you?

There's a white string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.

* * *

An eighty-six-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Hello, sir, and what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he said.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist said, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then came back in. The receptionist smiled and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he said.

The receptionist smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

The man said, "I can't piss out of it."

* * *

A man decides to visit a whorehouse. He is sitting in the waiting room when he notices jars of tomatoes on the shelves. Realizing he's hungry, he opens a jar and proceeds to devour the whole thing. The next day, he returns and eats another jar while waiting for his prostitute. On the third day, he asks a hooker where they got those delicious tomatoes.

The whore replies, "Tomatoes? Those are last week's abortions."

* * *

Have you heard about the newest sequel to The Exorcist?

A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

* * *

What's orange and looks good on Muslims?

Napalm.

* * *

What's black and brown and looks good on a Muslim?

A Doberman pincher.

* * *

Why does a redneck get horny when he sees a woman dressed in leather?

Because she smells like a new pickup truck.

* * *

Two families moved from Afghanistan to the United States. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet: in a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they get together.

The first Afghani says, "My son is playing baseball, I had Mc- Donald's for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second Afghani says, "Fuck you, diaperhead."

* * *

A little girl and her mother are walking through the park one day and they see two teenagers fucking in the grass.

The little girl says, "Mommy, what are they doing?"

Embarrassed, the mother says, "They're making cake."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys getting it on. The little girl asks her mother what they are doing and her mother says, "Um, they're also making cake."

"Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, huh?"

Shocked, the mother says, "How do you know?"

"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

* * *

On the first day of school, the English teacher has each pupil get up in front of the class and say what they did during the summer.

The class retard says, "Last week, my daddy fell down our well."

"That's terrible," the teacher says. "Is he okay?"

"Must be," the retard says. "Yesterday, he stopped yelling for help."

* * *

Three guys are discussing which part of the woman they most enjoy looking at while they are having sex.

"I like looking at her tits," the first one says.

"I like looking at her ass," the second one says.

The third one says, "I like looking at the top of her head."

* * *

Where do you send Jewish kids who are having trouble in school?

Concentration camp.

* * *

You Might Be Black If ...

You live in a cardboard box but drive a BMW. You are on a first-name basis with welfare workers. Your car sound system costs more that your car. Your street clothes are made up of ski masks and knit caps. You beat up your grandmother for stealing your crack pipe. You walk into your house and get mugged by a roach. You start your car with a screwdriver.

* * *

Why are so many blondes giving up bowling for fucking? The balls are lighter and they don't have to change their shoes.

* * *

How do you know when you've made some really bad choices in life?

When the FBI shows up and starts digging up your backyard.

* * *

Hurricane Katrina Drink Recipes

MANDATORY EVACUATION

11/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka 1/2 oz. vermouth Clamato Prune juice

Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of glass with equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door neighbor whose ficus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof-even though you'd warned him for months to uproot it-if you can use his bathroom. Repeat.

CATEGORY 5

1/2 oz. vodka 1/2 oz. tequila 1/2 oz. rum 1/2 oz. bourbon 1/2 oz. gin Sweet-and-sour mix Splash of fruit juice

Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon, and gin in a tall glass. Fill remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice. Stir, then garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak storm hours, and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the hurricane that flooded your garage and destroyed your shed was just a Category 1.

CONE OF PROBABILITY

1 oz. cinnamon schnapps 1 sugar cone

Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a television weatherman say, "Cone of probability," bite off the end of the cone and down the shot. If you hear Jim Cantore say it, drink two shots consecutively.

FEEDER BAND 2 oz. Midori 2 oz. rum 1 scoop vanilla ice cream

After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your freezer. Stir and drink through a straw.

BEACH EROSION

1 1/2 oz. Goldschläger 1 1/2 oz. apple brandy 1 pack sugar in the raw

Combine Goldschläger, apple brandy, and sugar in cocktail glass. As you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to New Jersey where it belongs.

DOWNED POWER LINE

1 1/2 oz. rum 5 oz. Jolt Cola

Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks without television and AC.

FLOOD ZONE

2 oz. Kahlúa 2 oz. Baileys Irish cream 4 oz. rum

Serve in a six-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess spills all over the countertop.

COLD SHOWER

2 oz. Blue Aftershock 4 oz. Sprite

Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep breath, sip, and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage hits your tongue. Repeat.

THE CHAIN SAW

1 oz. Goldschläger 1 oz. Rumplemintz 3 oz. Jim Beam Splash of vermouth

Combine Goldschläger, Rumplemintz, and Jim Beam in an empty soup can. Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive you to hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.

* * *

How do you know when a girl is really ugly?

She spends three hours at the beauty parlor-and that's just for an estimate.

* * *

A married couple goes into a dentist's office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, "No expensive extras, Doc. No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as brave as you," the dentist says. "Now, which tooth is it?"

The husband turns to his wife and says, "Show him your tooth, honey."

* * *

What color does a baby turn when you put it in then turn on a microwave oven?

I don't know. I was too busy masturbating.

* * *

A college guy meets a cute chick in a bar. She invites him back to her apartment for a one-nighter. The guy notices that her room is filled with stuffed animals-on the bookshelves, on the bed, the windowsill, everywhere.

They fuck. Afterward, he asks her, "So, how was I?"

She points to the zoo on her bookshelf and says, "You can take one item off the bottom shelf."

* * *

So the teacher tells her third-grade class that the topic of discussion for the day will be farm animals.

"Can anyone tell me what sound a chicken makes?" she asks.

"Cluck, cluck," says one kid

"That's right," the teacher says. "Now can anyone tell me what sound a cow makes?"

"Mooo, mooo," a little girl says.

"That's right," the teacher says. "Now can anyone tell me what sound a pig makes?"

The black kid says, "Freeze, motherfucker!"

* * *

What is a truly good friend?

One who goes to town, gets two blow jobs, then comes back and gives you one.

* * *

So the Indian man moves from Bombay to New York City. After a week, he starts feeling sick. He goes to a doctor, who examines him and says, "Let's go into my office and discuss this."

They go into the doctor's office. The doctor opens the bottom drawer of his desk and hands the Indian guy an empty cigar box.

"What is this for?" the Indian guy asks.

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and take a shit in this cigar box. Then I want you to piss in the cigar box. Then I want you to puke in the cigar box. Then take the box and leave it out in the sun for three days. At the end of the three days, I want you to open the cigar box and take a big whiff."

So the Indian guy goes home. He craps, pisses, and barfs into the cigar box, then leaves it out in the sun for three days. That night, he opens the cigar box, takes a deep breath, and feels ten times better.

He calls the doctor to thank him and asks, "But Doctor, what was wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "You were homesick."

* * *

A young guy and his girlfriend are getting it on in the total darkness of the forest. The guy suddenly stops and says, "Man! I wish I had a flashlight!"

"Me, too," she said. "You've been eating grass for the last fifteen minutes."

* * *

Two little boys are playing when one says, "My daddy's got a penis."

"So?" says the other, "My daddy's got two penises."

"No way!" says the first boy.

"Yup," the second kid says. "He's got a small one he uses to pee with and a huge one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth with!"

* * *

What two things do you have to know to be a plumber?

Shit doesn't go uphill and don't bite your fingernails.

* * *

A Polish couple gets married. On their wedding night, the husband, a virgin, is too dumb to know what to do.

His wife tells him, "For God's sake, just take that thing you play with and stick it where I pee."

So the Polack gets his bowling ball and puts it in the sink.

* * *

How do you recycle toilet paper?

Hang it on the wall and smash the shit out of it.

* * *

New Prescription

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila[R].

* * *

Tequila[R] is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila[R] can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila[R] almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living with Tequila[R].

* * *

Tequila[R] may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila[R]. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headance, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of strip poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from Mr. K's Book of Really Nasty Jokes by Mr. K Copyright © 2007 by Kensington Publishing Corp.. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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