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My Weird School #20: Mr. Louie Is Screwy!
The H Word and the L Word
My name is A.J. and I hate school.
"I hate school," I told my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn't food.
"Me too," he said. We were walking to Ella Mentry School with our friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.
"Me three," said Michael. "I hate school too."
"Well, I hate school more than you guys do," I said.
"Nobody hates school more than me," said Ryan.
"I hated school before you guys hated school," said Michael.
"Oh, yeah?" I told him. "I hated school before you were even born."
Any time you want to win an argument, just tell the other person you did something before they were born. It works every time. That's the first rule of being a kid.*
"Groovy!" somebody said as we were about to cross Walnut Street. "I can dig where you dudes are coming from."
It was Mr. Louie, our crossing guard! He was standing at the corner of Walnut Street in front of the school. Mr. Louie always wears sandals and a tie-dyed shirt. He held up his guitar, which he uses as a stop sign.
"But it's a drag to use the H word," Mr. Louie told us. "Hate is a downer, man. You should say 'love.'"
Ugh! Mr. Louie said the L word!
"Ewwww!" we all yelled.
"There's too much hate in the world," Mr. Louie explained, "and not enough love."
Mr. Louie used to be a judge, but he quit because he said there were too many bad vibes (whatever they are). That's when he became a crossing guard.
"The L word is for girls," I said.
"Love is for everyone," Mr. Louie told us. "Do you know why I love love so much? Every morning I take a love potion. You dudes should take some, too."
"No thanks!" we all said.
I never heard of a love potion. Maybe Mr. Louie was yanking our chain.
"School is cool," he said. "You dudes should say you love school."
"I'm not saying the L word out loud," I announced.
"A.J.," Mr. Louie told me, "if you don't say 'I love school,' I'm gonna tell everybody you love . . . Andrea!"
Andrea Young is this really annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair. I don't love Andrea. I don't even like Andrea. I hate Andrea! So I sure didn't want Mr. Louie telling everybody I love her.
"Okay, okay," I said quietly, so nobody else would hear. "I love school."
"Outta sight!" said Mr. Louie. "Gimme some skin, A.J. Feel the love!"
"Oooooh!" Ryan said. "A.J. is in love with school!"
"When are you gonna get married to the school, A.J.?" asked Michael.
If those guys weren't my best friends, I would hate them.*My Weird School #20: Mr. Louie Is Screwy!. Copyright © by Dan Gutman. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.