Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook: Everything I Know about Love and Marriageby Steve Doocy, Cathy Doocy (Narrated by), Kathy Doocy (Narrated by)
Welcome to The Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook, Steve Doocy's laugh-out-loud/i>
Ever since Eve asked Adam, "Do I look fat in this fig leaf?" it has been apparent that husbands don't know how to relate to their wives. Men believe they understand women and vice versa, but really men know as much about women as a cocker spaniel knows about assembling a Weber grill.
Welcome to The Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook, Steve Doocy's laugh-out-loud perspective on love, marriage, and family. The book can be used for its hilarious husband and wife wisdom or, if things aren't going well, as a projectile to get somebody's attention. This is not an advice book. It is a Don't Even Think of Trying This book. The author, his family, and his collection of friends (some very famous in the worlds of entertainment, business, and politics) have already discreetly made almost every conceivable marriage mistake, and it is their hope that this irreverent manual can save you the trouble of being an idiot on your own.
Doocy, co-host of Fox & Friends, who has been married for twenty consecutive years, provides real slice-of-life stories on everything from early marriage ("I love you, you're perfect, now wear this thong") and pregnancy ("You're eating for two? Who— you and Shaquille O'Neal?") to sending your child to college ("Is that a funnel?") and retirement (high-fiber appetizers on Viagra dates). Most of the stories conclude with "corrections" and additional wise words from Doocy's real-life wife, Kathy, who, after two decades of picking up Steve's socks in the garage, has developed a zany sense of humor herself.
There is also a handy troubleshooting section for when things go haywire, like during the eye- opening experiment undertaken especially for this book, wherein the author wanted to prove to his wife that they were perfect for each other, so he had them join an on-line dating service. Out of a database of several hundred thousand guys, he was not in her top 532 local men. Despite the fact that their one- month experiment ended a year ago, she's still getting photographs of single men whose head shots appear to have been taken at a recent skinhead convention. Luckily for him, she still prefers "bonehead to skinhead."
This book is a celebration of the pageantry that is wedlock, which starts with an "I do" and sometimes ends with a boiled rabbit. Let's face it, marriage isn't always as smooth as a forty-year-old's forehead after six months of Botox. In fact, marriage is ridiculously hard, but laughing about it is now incredibly easy with The Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook.
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The Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook
Everything I Know About Love and Marriage (with corrections by Mrs. Doocy)
By Steve Doocy
HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 2006
All right reserved.
In the Beginning . . .
Throughout history men have had problems dealing with women.
"Do I look fat in this fig leaf?" Eve asked Adam.
Adam, a born kidder, promptly puffed up his cheeks and belted out a deep-throated "Moooooooo!" Eve was puzzled. God hadn't invented cows yet--he was still working out the bugs on the passenger pigeon. She instinctively found his cringeworthy performance offensive. Adam was officially in the doghouse, which was tricky, because there were no dogs. God was only in the B's, working on birds.
The world hasn't changed that much in the thousands of years since fig leaves and Adams and Eves, although now there are also plenty of Adams and Steves, just not in this book. Today's guys believe they understand girls and vice versa, but really men know as much about women as golden retrievers know about Roth IRAs.
There are plenty of differences between the sexes. We are clearly wired differently. It's first noticeable when we're boys and girls. For instance, when my wife presented my daughters with their first bras, they were horrified. One daughter refused to wear it, and kept hiding it under her bed. Finally, when asked why she wouldn't wear it, the ten-year-old looked her straight in the eye andin the voice of Peter Pan said, "Think happy thoughts, Mommy."
Meanwhile, when my immodest son made the high school baseball team, he came down to the dinner table to model his cup.
As we mature, the differences multiply. Just look at how our brains work. Men generally have direct, basic questions:
- "Will this make me gassy?"
- "Are you sure this won't show up as porn on the hotel bill?"
Women's questions are more complicated and fraught with emotional subterfuge. Like this one that is apparently programmed in all women at the factory to test the depth of a man's love and honesty.
- "Do I look fat in these pants?"
This has nothing to do with pants, and guys don't know where to start. They'll pause half a moment to think, but during his momentary hesitation, the woman's paranoid gland secretes a trace hormone into her bloodstream that immediately translates, "He thinks I'm fat!"
That leads to sheets of tears, prolonged awkward apologies, and the dreaded but inevitable "Twice yearly."
It's time for men and women to realize that despite his occasional affinity for lavender soap, he is still all man. She should know she is living with a mammal that is just one cultural chromosome away from being a coyote. He doesn't get the charm of children's beauty pageants, tiny dogs in designer footwear, or a purse that costs more than the average daily bank balance.
Rather than truly understand each other, they inevitably smile with gritted teeth and pretend they didn't hear the latest dumb thing their spouse just blurted out. Both sexes need to stop making the same mistakes and move on.
"Insanity," the old expression goes, "is doing the same thing and expecting different results."
For His Eyes Only
Ladies, Please Skip This Passage
When your spouse asks, "Do I look fat in these pants/dress/fig leaf?" there is but one simple answer that will lead to a long and happy marriage: "No habla ingles" (translation: "I don't speak English").
By the time she translates and realizes that she's now mad at you for not answering her question, you're off the hook. She's forgotten about her tight pants.
Why Do People Get Married?
52%: "We're in love"
23%: To get pushy parents off their backs
15%: So they won't go to hell for having sex
8%: Various (financial, security, lonely, hooked on multilayered cake)
2%: Want to find out their blood type
My Date With Destiny
October 27, 1985
I was sitting with my sister Lisa at the bar of Stetson's, a Tex-Mex joint in Washington, D.C. We were watching our team, the Kansas City Royals, clinch the seventh game of the World Series. As the MVP was interviewed by a cute blond dugout reporter, I mentioned to my sister that the sports girl on TV had just started working in my building.
"She's cute," Lisa said. "Why don't you ask her out?"
"That girl? She's too fabulous for me."
Actually, she was too fabulous for everybody. She was a Ford model and the first woman on ESPN to have her own magazine show. She'd never met a double black diamond she couldn't master and she'd dated or was pals with six of the ten men listed that year in People magazine's first "Sexiest Man Alive" poll. On top of that, she was painfully beautiful.
"Yeah, you're right," my sister said. "You're low tide in the gene pool compared to her."
Now you know why I moved away from home.
A week later I saw Miss Too Fabulous for Me in the NBC commissary. She had on her tray an oozing cheeseburger, a supersized order of French fries, a salad, a cookie, and a Diet Coke. For a size 6, she ate like a Teamster.
It's hard to try to make small talk with a cute girl when she's in line sandwiched between Roger Mudd and Connie Chung, so I didn't. I just stood quietly in line as if I were idling in the drive-up lane at Wendy's.
She disappeared out the door.
As I was at the fork, spoon, knife station, she popped back in and quickly grabbed two packets of salt, which at that time was still free at NBC (prebudget cuts).
Suddenly I was walking down the hall with her toward our desks, and I knew I really should say something. A good pickup line would have been "I only have three months to live, kiss me!" Instead I asked, "What's that stuff on your fries? Plasma?"
Pitiful, but it engaged her. She cracked an icy smile and responded, "We call it ketchup."
As a doctor's office reader of Cosmo, I knew girls love compliments, so I quickly followed up with "You did a great job at the World Series."
Excerpted from The Mr. & Mrs. Happy Handbook
by Steve Doocy
Copyright © 2006 by Steve Doocy.
Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Meet the Author
Emmy Award-winning broadcaster Steve Doocy is the cohost of Fox News Channel's Fox & Friends. He has earned reporting and writing awards from the Associated Press, Sigma Delta Chi, and the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, and has worked at NBC, CBS, and Fox. He and his wife, Kathy, live just outside New York City with their three children.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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I laughed out loud a number of times reading this book. I even nudged my half asleep wife to read her some of the funniest parts (for some reason, she didn't find them quite as funny, I wonder why?) We've been married 33 years and have had many of the same experiences as the author and his wife, so it was great reading that others had similar experiences. The last chapter is a real thought-provoker.
Its true...with all the how to books out there, this is the best I have found. By example they show that laughter is the best way to deal with life. Just reading this book made me feel happier and more positive. This should be a study guide for kids in school. Leave all the depressing negative books on the shelves and buy this one. I'm giving copy to all my friends for Christmas.
Outstanding book! The author, Steve Doocy, is as funny in his book as he is on Fox and Friends every morning. What a gem! You've got to buy this book!!!
I cried, I laughed until I cried. Mr. Happy's wife is fabulous and now I know what a CCD teacher is. At first I thought Mr. Happy's life was extraordinarily comedic (especially if you count the number of tetanus shots) and that we had a lot in common (I am a thrifty handywoman). However, I have decided instead that he has captured the universal humor that transcends almost every family's life and that the comedy multiplies when children arrive.
Oooohhhhh! O.k. now I get it. O.k. talk to you maybe later tonight. Bie.