Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard

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Overview

Can anything be poetic in the politicking of Washington, D.C.? Is there poetry in the morning's headlines and in tonight's news tickers? Or, as Seely paraphrases Dr. Seuss, Do W's troubles trouble you, too? America's pundit poet laureate, the man who channeled the poetry of Donald Rumsfeld and Phil Rizzuto, now offers the perfect metaphor for the inside-the-beltway bubble: it's a nursery. Using the beneficent spirit of Mother Goose, he has fashioned hilarious nursery rhymes hidden amid the photo ops and ...
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Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard

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Overview

Can anything be poetic in the politicking of Washington, D.C.? Is there poetry in the morning's headlines and in tonight's news tickers? Or, as Seely paraphrases Dr. Seuss, Do W's troubles trouble you, too? America's pundit poet laureate, the man who channeled the poetry of Donald Rumsfeld and Phil Rizzuto, now offers the perfect metaphor for the inside-the-beltway bubble: it's a nursery. Using the beneficent spirit of Mother Goose, he has fashioned hilarious nursery rhymes hidden amid the photo ops and filibustering.

"John Kerry backed Iraq, John Kerry took it back," making him "a very airy, wary hara-kiri." Bill Bennett, "independent, Kept a hidden secret muse. He would clutch his lucky pendant, Praying, 'Papa needs new shoes!'" As for Iraq, "When you lose, you lose, and when you win, you win, and when you can't tell win from lose, best stop the war you're in." No one is safe from Seely's wicked muse: Hillary Clinton, John McCain, Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, virtually every news anchor, and a good portion of the Hollywood elite are skewered unforgettably by Seely's Mother Goosequills in this irreverent and hilarious collection.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781439167212
  • Publisher: Free Press
  • Publication date: 3/25/2009
  • Pages: 144
  • Product dimensions: 0.34 (w) x 5.00 (h) x 8.00 (d)

Meet the Author

Hart Seely is an award-winning reporter for the Syracuse Post-Standard. His humor and satire have appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, Los Angeles Times, National Lampoon, and on National Public Radio. He is the editor of Pieces of Intelligence: The Existential Poetry of Donald H. Rumsfeld and coeditor (with Tom Peyer) of O Holy Cow! The Selected Verse of Phil Rizzuto. Seely lives in beautiful Syracuse, New York, with his wife and three children.

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Read an Excerpt

Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington

Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard
By Hart Seely

Free Press

Copyright © 2007 Hart Seely
All right reserved.

ISBN: 9781416538066

Chapter One

"I know an old party that swallowed a war

Don't know what for, it swallowed a war"

The White House

Mother Bush Had a House

Mother Bush had a house,

'Twas built in the glades,

Where she worked all day,

Employing her maids.

She had a son, George,

A fine-looking male,

He was not very bright,

But still made it to Yale.

He launched a career,

To the White House he got;

"See, Mother," said he,

"I have not been for naught."

But George knew one matter,

That bothered his mom,

Folks still blamed his father

For botching Saddam.

He vowed that his father

Would yet be revered,

And he crafted a plan

So his dad would be cleared.

And George kept his vow,

As his mom knew he would.

He screwed up so badly,

His father looked good.

Rub-a-Dub-Dub

Rub-a-dub-dub,

Three men in the tub.

The Cheney, the Rummy, the Commander-in-Dummy,

They all believed they had the will.

They never thought we'd be there, still.

Rub-a-dub-dub,

Three men in the tub.

The Leaker, the Mistaker, the Quagmire-Maker,

They all believed they'd done the math.

They never thought they'd take thebath.

Hear This, You Evil Tyrants

Hear this, all evil tyrants,

As you plot foul attacks:

Condoleezza Rice has pledged

To stop you in your tracks.

She won't use UN sanctions,

She's moved beyond that phase.

Her office uses harsher means

To make you change your ways.

For starters, if she learns about

Your plans to build a bomb,

She'll send out to your neighbors

Doctored photos of your mom.

On walls of public restrooms

She'll tape your business card.

She'll fill a bag with dog doo,

And then light it in your yard.

She'll call you on your cell phone,

While at a soccer game,

She'll page "Anita Mantokiss"

And have you shout the name.

She'll hand you trick binoculars

That blacken both your eyes.

She'll call up nearby pizza joints,

And send you fifty pies.

She'll shorten up your bed sheet,

And hide your TV clicker,

She'll slip Viagra in your soup,

And water in your liquor.

She'll coat your phone with Super Glue,

And call you every hour.

She'll flush the toilet several times

While you are in the shower.

She'll lead you to a bleacher seat

Where all the paint is wet.

She'll send you a subscription

To the Man/Boy Love Gazette.

So dictators, take notice,

From China to Brazil:

Do not test the U.S.A.!

Just look at Kim Jung Il.

George Tenet

George Tenet, on advice,

Rushed one night to Doctor Rice,

Somewhere near the Senate,

Poor George Tenet.

George Tenet, businesslike,

Said Bin Laden planned a strike,

So did he present it.

Poor George Tenet.

George Tenet walked away,

Nothing did she hear him say,

All he did was vent it.

Poor George Tenet.

George Tenet, now outside,

Has a medal, yet no pride.

He did not prevent it.

Poor George Tenet.

Itsy-Bitsy Scooter

Itsy-bitsy Scooter

Climbed up the oval spout,

Down came the leaks

That brought the agent out.

Out came the probe

That tried to find the blame,

And the itsy-bitsy Scooter

Climbed up the spout again.

Itsy-bitsy Scooter,

Went up into the Mall,

Down came the word,

That he would take the fall.

Out came the trial

That played across the land,

And the itsy-bitsy Scooter,

Declined to take the stand.

Itsy-bitsy Scooter

Went up the legal route,

Down came the verdict:

Guilt, beyond a doubt.

Down went the aide

To suffer in the end;

And the itchy-twitchy Cheney,

Had shot another friend.

The King Is Delighted

The king is delighted.

Rove's not indicted!

Go tell the queen.

They found Karl clean!

The king is elated,

Our beloved Rove skated!

Go tell the Speaker.

Karl's not the leaker!

The king is in clover.

Rove's ordeal is over!

Party tomorrow.

It's a great day for Karl!

The king's in a flurry.

Rove won't face a jury!

Break out the ale.

Karl's not going to jail!

Feel the excitement.

No Rove indictment!

Everyone, sing.

Karl's still our king!

Tony Snow, How Does It Grow?

Hey, ho! Tony Snow!

How long does your bony nose grow?

An inch for tax rates on upper classes,

An inch when you discuss greenhouse gasses.

An inch for torture as terror prevention,

An inch when you scrap the Geneva Convention.

An inch for budgets and jobless data,

A foot when you link Iraq to al-Qaeda.

An inch for Clinton, Kerry, and Gore,

A mile when you claim we're winning the war.

It grows every question and every rebuttal.

When you look up, you can sniff the space shuttle.

This Young Man

This young man, he played one.

He played knick knack from Vietnam,

With a Guard-track, dodge-the-draft,

Leave the boy alone.

This young man stayed safe at home.

This young man, he played two.

College classes sliding through,

With the Skull-and-Bones, frat-clones,

Pour the boy a brew.

This young man went driving stewed.

This young man, he played three.

High in Harken Energy,

With a quick-drop, ditch-the-stock,

Dodge the SEC.

This young man got off scot-free.

This young man, he played four.

Major league investment score.

With a big-wheel, insider-deal,

Give the boy his dream:

Owner of a baseball team.

This young man, he played five.

Led the "Build a Ballpark!" drive.

With a kickback, special-tax,

Line up is the best,

Also-rans in A.L. West.

This young man, he played six

Sold the team to Thomas Hicks.

With Clear Channel, money-funnels,

Texas needs his flare,

He's "Governor Electric Chair."

This young man, he played seven.

Has a backer up in heaven.

With the right-wing, Christian thing,

He's the favored Son.

This young man took Washington.

This young man, he played eight.

Sent the Army to Kuwait,

With a yellow-cake, total fake,

We'll win it in a walk.

This young man attacked Iraq.

This young man, he played nine.

New Orleans would be just fine.

With a Cat-4, at-the-door,

Counting up the dead.

Frowned when he flew overhead.

This young man, he played ten.

In Iraq and Afghanistan,

With a knick, knack, paddy whack,

A double Vietnam.

This young man's come rolling home.

Copyright © 2007 by Hart Seely



Continues...


Excerpted from Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington by Hart Seely Copyright © 2007 by Hart Seely. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

1. I know an old party that swallowed a war

Don't know what for, it swallowed a war.

The White House

2. This little lobby went to Hastert

This little lobby tried Blunt."

Congress

3. Clarence Thomas went to town

Dressed in his judicial gown.

The Court

4. Gores see polls and Doles see polls

And Lindsey Grahams see Bidens.

Candidates

5. London Bridge might be falling down!

Falling down! Falling down!

Media

6. Eighty deaths hath September

Sixty more in November.

Iraq

7. Diddle, diddle dumpling, my son John

Talks online with his congressman.

Issues

8. Halle Berry, shave a pig

How many films in that X-Man wig?

Celebrities

9. Peter Pace picked a peck of pickled problems.

Coda

Acknowledgments

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