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Nasty People [NOOK Book]

Overview

Fourteen years since its first publication, the bestsellerNasty People has been revised and updated to cover the motivations of nasty people, how to avoid confrontation with a nasty boss, how to handle a nasty spouse, and much more, including:

  • How to break the cycle of nastiness
  • A new understanding of ...
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Nasty People

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Overview

Fourteen years since its first publication, the bestsellerNasty People has been revised and updated to cover the motivations of nasty people, how to avoid confrontation with a nasty boss, how to handle a nasty spouse, and much more, including:

  • How to break the cycle of nastiness
  • A new understanding of personality disorders and depression
  • Narcissism, nasty behavior, and self-doubt
  • Nasty people and self-validation
  • The role adrenaline plays in nasty behavior and our responses to it.

Everyone knows a person who has been hurt, betrayed, or degraded by nasty individuals or has experienced it themselves. In three books, Jay Carter, Psy. D., shows readers how to stop this cycle of overt and covert abuse, without resorting to nasty tactics. Now for the first time, this series is released together to cover all areas of dealing with difficult people. With straight-talking advice, real-life anecdotes, and psychology that makes sense, Carter explains how to handle and stop painful behavior that harms both the perpetrator and the victim.

The psychologist and lecturer uncovers the weapons nasty people use to get what they want and reveals the secret of how to handle their misdeeds.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780071435857
  • Publisher: McGraw-Hill Education
  • Publication date: 5/26/2003
  • Sold by: Barnes & Noble
  • Format: eBook
  • Edition number: 2
  • Pages: 112
  • Sales rank: 167,615
  • File size: 3 MB

Meet the Author

Jay Carter, Phsy.D., DAPBS, is a psychologist who has treated couples and women for decades. The bestselling author of Nasty Men and Nasty Women, and a sought-after motivational speaker, Dr. Carter has made numerous appearances both nationally and internationally. He has also been a guest on "Larry King Live" and "The Montel Williams Show."

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Read an Excerpt

NASTY People


By Jay Carter

The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Copyright © 2004Jay Carter
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-07-143585-7


Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

THE INVALIDATOR

The small Hitlers are around us every day. —Robert Payne


It's hard to recognize an invalidator, because a truly good one can bypass the scrutiny of your logical mind, and his victim will find himself feeling bad without knowing why. The invalidator is underhanded, and the person being invalidated is often unsuspecting except for knowing that he feels bad. The invalidator actually feels inferior to some other person, so he tries to make that other person feel small. Thus, the invalidator can control the victim. Have you met anyone like this? Whether you are completely aware of it or not, you probably have. You probably know one or several invalidators.

The invalidator uses various suppressive mechanisms to chop away at your self-esteem. He pretends to acknowledge something you are proud of and then later makes some negative insinuation about it. He feels out what you think your shortcomings are and then exploits them at calculated times when he knows you are vulnerable. The invalidator may persist in invalidating you until you succumb. He has to control you because he perceives you as being superior to him. He takes accusations that have "some truth," and fires them at you "in all honesty," "just being your friend," "to help you."

The difference between an invalidator and a real friend is that a real friend will tell you one negative thing about yourself and then back off to give you space to consider it. An invalidator will lay many of your faults out for you and persist until you feel as big as the period at the end of this sentence. An invalidator will pick out the qualities about you that are most important to you and then tear them apart. An invalidator will listen to you share something that you don't like about yourself and then later use it against you. This is all done in such a subtle way that you are unaware of it.

If you do confront an invalidator on what she is doing, she will say something like, "Oh, come on now! I love you. I'm your friend. Where did you get these silly ideas?" And she may really like you. She may really want to be your friend … but only on her terms and only after she has you in her control. She will make you look silly for even thinking such things about her. She may make you feel guilty or cheap in front of your friends for accusing her of invalidating you. She may get angry at you for your accusations. Whatever she can do to invalidate you further, she will. If she really thinks you are onto her, she may apologize and then not invalidate you again ... until later when you are unsuspecting.

In short, the invalidator does whatever is necessary to control you. He is control-crazy, and anytime he perceives himself to be not in control, he will be scared.


Portrait of an Invalidator

One of the most famous invalidators was Adolf Hitler. He was quite typical of the controlling invalidator. He was a brilliant man. He created beautiful pictures. He was a writer. He saved the lives of his comrades when he was in the regular army. He loved his dogs. He had a love relationship with Eva Braun. He spoke beautiful words, for example:

Since 1914 when, as a volunteer, I made my modest contribution in the World War which was forced upon the Reich, over thirty years have passed.

In these three decades only love for my people and loyalty to my people have guided me in all my thoughts, actions, and life. They gave me the strength to make the most difficult decisions, such as no mortal has yet had to face. I have exhausted my time, my working energy, and my health in these three decades.

It is untrue that I or anybody else in Germany wanted war in 1939.

Not only was he eloquent, but he lived up to his promises. He brought Germany out of a recession, making his words credible. People believed in him. It seemed he was never to blame. He was righteous.

He never killed anyone face to face but got his followers to do it. The sight of the Jews being slaughtered sickened him. He barely looked the one time he witnessed it. He really believed in what he was doing. Before he gained power, he tried to commit suicide, but one of his friends (a superior officer) saved him from it.

If you had met Hitler, you might have thought he was charming. You would probably not have guessed what devastation he was capable of. The following are excerpts from The Life and Death of Adolf Hitler by Robert Payne (italics are my own, for emphasis):

Hitler was the arch-destroyer, determined to stamp out and destroy everything in the world that did not serve his purposes.

Yet the man who spilled so much blood, and was so bloodless, never dared to look at the dead or the dying, never visited a military hospital, and never showed any sympathy for the maimed, the wounded, the blind. He drove millions of people insane and millions died in his concentration camps. He had no conception of the suffering he had brought to the world; and had he known, it would have made no difference. When he traveled through bombed towns, he drew the window shades for fear that the sight of the destruction he had caused would weaken his resolution. In darkness, behind shuttered windows, remote from the world as in a grave he terrorized the world he never understood and never wanted to understand.

He especially liked one portrait of himself with his eyes raised to heaven in angelic innocence. He also admired a portrait of himself in shining armor.

The voice is seductive, and his logic, if his premises are accepted, is unimpeachable.

He believes in his own absolute authority over the people.

In the present age we are only too aware of his existence, for he still walks among us.

It is strange that we do not speak about Hitlers in the plural.... The small Hitlers are around us every day, tormenting us with their promises, rejoicing in our weaknesses, demanding our trust, our votes, and our lives, while remaining totally indifferent to everything except their thirst for power. Power to order the lives of other men consoles them for their own insufficiencies, their lack of humanity. They must have power or perish, and it is all one to them if they misuse their power or crush others in their efforts to seize power.


So you see, these invalidators can be particularly nasty characters if they get into positions of power. And they are always, in fact, striving for positions of power because they are "small Hitlers" with an obsessive need to control people and events.

The more clever invalidators don't use their powers until it's absolutely necessary. The invalidator can appear to be quite friendly for a very long time. Then it comes time for a promotion in management, and it's either you or him. He chews you up and spits you out in front of upper management before you know what hit you—all the while, of course, being your good buddy. He will even invent perfectly logical reasons why you wouldn't have wanted the job anyway—that is, unless he wants to destroy you completely. Then he will just make you look bad in front of everyone for a long time. He might do all this with information you told him about yourself in confidence, when he so endearingly listened to you.

You've probably met many people capable of being invalidators, but it probably caught you off guard and perhaps you didn't understand how it worked. The next section of this book will explain the methods used by invalidators. Read it thoroughly, but keep in mind that there are many methods of invalidation and many ways to handle an invalidator. And the minute you handle an invalidation is the minute it starts looking fo
(Continues...)


Excerpted from NASTY People by Jay Carter. Copyright © 2004 by Jay Carter. Excerpted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Acknowledgments          

From a Student          

From the Author          

Overview          

1 THE INVALIDATOR          

2 THE VICTIM          

3 THE CYCLE OF INVALIDATION          

4 WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?          

5 TO INVALIDATION: THE MECHANISM          

Bibliography          


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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 32 )
Rating Distribution

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4 Star

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 32 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 8, 2008

    To read this book is an 'Act of liberation'

    I have received this book today at 11 am and actually had a lots of plans for today 'saturday'. Well, I dropped everything and couldn't stop reading until I was through by about 4 pm. Didn't even take a shower..... So far the best day in the last five years! The gained knowledge will certainly help me to deal with one of my colleagues who, as it appears to me, is the mother of all 'invalidators' Thanks Jay Carter

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 14, 2005

    Wow!

    This is simply one of the best books I have ever read in my life. It is short and to the point and if you apply what he says it will save you a lot of heartache. I am now reading this book for the second time, my God it is so right on. It is practical and can be easily understood. Thank God for Jay Carter!

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 2, 2003

    This book is dead on.

    This book is a must read. I have had a problem with a nasty person who drove me to become a nasty person and now I know why. I have shared this book with many friends and they plan on getting their own copy. I plan on sharing it with the nasty person and maybe they will have the same eye opening experience that I have had.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted May 24, 2013

    Awesome - a must read!

    I always said there must be an answer to why people can be just plain awful, and now it all makes sense. This book has the answers and it is a must read, must have, and keep around. Love it!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 30, 2012

    This book changed my life.

    This book changed my life.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 25, 2012

    This book is great

    I love this book

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 20, 2010

    Nasty People

    I did not finish this book...as I worked my way through the book I realized I was focused on the wrong perspective....the only way to change the way people react to me is to change myself first...then change my outlook on the people in my life.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 30, 2013

    Good reading, very informative!

    This book is very informative, helps us to see what makes us ugly and mean!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 9, 2013

    This book saved my emotional life & taught me to see my own

    This book saved my emotional life & taught me to see my own "red flags" and not ignore them. I have shared over 25 copies with friends and family over the years. simple, easy to understand and easier to digest and implement this book changes ones outlook.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 5, 2012

    Great Book

    Helpful for understanding yourself and others. Thanks!!

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  • Posted June 21, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    Very Informative

    I wanted to read this book to know why was that so many people are just nasty. I personally liked it, there were lots of information that just opened my eyes. I'm glad i read it and i would recommend it to anyone that has been put down or that you think you've put down people. It'll change the way you look at people, and how to handle them when come across them.

    change for 2012.

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  • Posted March 4, 2009

    Nasty People

    I found this book to be a great pick-me-up. The realization that other people, intentionally or unintentionally, as out to make you feel bad is enlightening! Plus, the coping strategies are very helpful. I highly recommend the book to everyone.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 6, 2004

    I lived it

    I have been on the receiving end of a nasty person. This book is a guide on how you can see the signs and take action before it is too late. Quick and easy read!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 17, 2003

    A MUST-HAVE book for everyone

    As someone who just resigned from a job I liked and needed because of an invalidating boss, I can tell you this book hits the nail on the head. The examples given are exactly what I experienced-almost word for word. How invalidation makes you feel and what can be done about invalidation are also right on. Mr. Carter provides the big picture of how and why people behave badly-particularly the more subtle and undermining things that victims may not recognize. You get the whole forest and not just a tree or two. The book is empowering to the invalidator as well as the invalidated. I am so grateful Jay Carter wrote it and wish I had this information decades ago. It would have saved me so much pain, bewilderment, time, and money. I intend to buy more copies for gifts.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 20, 2003

    thank god for this book

    I enjoyed this book very much. I learned how to deal with my monster in-law, who is a nasty person but who is a nice person deep down. I learned how to deal with her without hurting her feelings or becoming a nasty person myself.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 27, 2002

    I'm not a nasty person

    My sister loved this book because one of her co-workers is mean to her. Of course my sister now knows that if you use this book to label someone else, the book is for you. I read it thinking that I was guilty of being mean to others ... only to find out that if you have to be invalidated a lot to think this way. A great book.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 3, 2002

    A book that gets you to put your feet in other peoples shoes

    I liked this book. Lately I have been feeling very uneasy with people, and now that I have read this book I am ready to live a happy life and stop keeping stress (stress caused by others or stress that was caused by being mean and my conscience set in!) bottled-up or exploding on innocent people!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 10, 2001

    Simple little book tells why we hurt eachother

    This book basically states that people put others down to make themselves feel better. It gives a few ideas on how to interpret and combat nasty people, and how not to become one of them

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 1, 2001

    Best Self Help book for Verbally Abused

    This book has been a lifesend for me. There are principals in it that I have read about from other self-help books and been counselled about for years, but couldn't accept them until I heard them in the manner Jay Carter presents them. Now I understand why Mr. Carter's students pleaded with him to write this book. It is the absolute best for those who are verbally abused, men or woman. I have just spent the last 8 years in a devastating marriage, seen MANY counsellors, and been counselled by all my friends and family. Nothing worked, nothing was able to help me understand what I'd just been through, or what to do about it. I really needed this book, because I was becoming just like my abuser. Eleanor Roosevelt must have been an amazing woman, as Jay quotes her. Finally, at this price, you can't pass up this book. It will help you spot, and learn how to avoid abusers. And most important of all, help you to not become one too. Thankyou Mr Carter

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 18, 2000

    Reading the book was a healing experience

    We know what to do if someone swings a fist at us. There are laws and a common language for dealing with physical violence. But when people abuse us psychologically, we often have a hard time naming the experience and why it hurts so much. I chanced upon this book at a vulnerable time when a very important person in my life had launched upon a campaign to convince me that I was worse than useless. The book helped me to understand what was happening to me and to be confident that my feelings of hurt were real and not my own imagination. Though not from an explicitly Christian point of view, the viewpoint is very compatible with Christianity.

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