Never Sniff a Gift Fish

( 5 )

Overview

More humerous observations and insights into the agonies and ecstacies of hunting, fishing, and camping by the author of They Shoot Canoes, Don't They?and other celebrations of life in the wild.

Read More Show Less
... See more details below
Available through our Marketplace sellers.
Other sellers (Paperback)
  • All (35) from $1.99   
  • Used (35) from $1.99   
Close
Sort by
Page 1 of 4
Showing 1 – 10 of 35 (4 pages)
Note: Marketplace items are not eligible for any BN.com coupons and promotions
$1.99
Seller since 2014

Feedback rating:

(2626)

Condition:

New — never opened or used in original packaging.

Like New — packaging may have been opened. A "Like New" item is suitable to give as a gift.

Very Good — may have minor signs of wear on packaging but item works perfectly and has no damage.

Good — item is in good condition but packaging may have signs of shelf wear/aging or torn packaging. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Acceptable — item is in working order but may show signs of wear such as scratches or torn packaging. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Used — An item that has been opened and may show signs of wear. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Refurbished — A used item that has been renewed or updated and verified to be in proper working condition. Not necessarily completed by the original manufacturer.

Good
Book has some visible wear on the binding, cover, pages. Biggest little used bookstore in the world.

Ships from: Reno, NV

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2007

Feedback rating:

(9930)

Condition: Very Good
Book has appearance of light use with no easily noticeable wear. Millions of satisfied customers and climbing. Thriftbooks is the name you can trust, guaranteed. Spend Less. Read ... More. Read more Show Less

Ships from: Auburn, WA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2014

Feedback rating:

(4021)

Condition: Good
Book shows minor use. Cover and Binding have minimal wear, and the pages have only minimal creases. Free State Books. Never settle for less.

Ships from: Halethorpe, MD

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2010

Feedback rating:

(5611)

Condition: Good
This book has a light amount of wear to the pages, cover and binding. Blue Cloud Books ??? Hot deals from the land of the sun.

Ships from: Phoenix, AZ

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2007

Feedback rating:

(9930)

Condition: Good
Light shelf wear and minimal interior marks. Millions of satisfied customers and climbing. Thriftbooks is the name you can trust, guaranteed. Spend Less. Read More.

Ships from: Auburn, WA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2009

Feedback rating:

(10948)

Condition: Acceptable
A tradition of southern quality and service. All books guaranteed at the Atlanta Book Company. Our mailers are 100% recyclable.

Ships from: Atlanta, GA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2010

Feedback rating:

(3901)

Condition: Good
Book has a small amount of wear visible on the binding, cover, pages. Selection as wide as the Mississippi.

Ships from: St Louis, MO

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2008

Feedback rating:

(598)

Condition: Good
1988 Trade paperback Good. Go green, recycle! Book may have wear from reading, may contain some library markings. Trade paperback (US). Glued binding. Never Sniff a Gift Fish, 1.

Ships from: Toledo, OH

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2014

Feedback rating:

(0)

Condition: Very Good
1899-12-30 Very Good 003063864X We ship daily! Excellent titles at excellent prices!

Ships from: NEW ORLEANS, LA

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$1.99
Seller since 2009

Feedback rating:

(6784)

Condition: Very Good
Nice condition with minor indications of previous handling. Book selection as BIG as Texas.

Ships from: Dallas, TX

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • International
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
Page 1 of 4
Showing 1 – 10 of 35 (4 pages)
Close
Sort by
Never Sniff A Gift Fish

Available on NOOK devices and apps  
  • NOOK Devices
  • Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 NOOK
  • NOOK HD/HD+ Tablet
  • NOOK
  • NOOK Color
  • NOOK Tablet
  • Tablet/Phone
  • NOOK for Windows 8 Tablet
  • NOOK for iOS
  • NOOK for Android
  • NOOK Kids for iPad
  • PC/Mac
  • NOOK for Windows 8
  • NOOK for PC
  • NOOK for Mac
  • NOOK for Web

Want a NOOK? Explore Now

NOOK Book (eBook)
$9.99
BN.com price
This digital version does not exactly match the physical book displayed here.

Overview

More humerous observations and insights into the agonies and ecstacies of hunting, fishing, and camping by the author of They Shoot Canoes, Don't They?and other celebrations of life in the wild.

Read More Show Less

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

"Patrick McManus is a treasure."--The Atlantic

"Everybody should read Patrick McManus."--The New York Times Book Review

"A style that brings to mind Mark Twain, Art Buchwald, and Garrison Keillor."--People

"The funniest writer around today."--Atlanta Journal-Constitution

"McManus captures the innocence most of us lose when we become grown-up, and reading him you can't help recalling similar times and events in your own life."--Booklist

Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780030638640
  • Publisher: Holt, Henry & Company, Inc.
  • Publication date: 9/28/1984

Meet the Author

Patrick F. McManus has written twelve books and two plays. There are nearly two million copies of his books in print, including his bestselling They Shoot Canoes Don't They?; The Night The Bear Ate Goombaw; and A Fine and Pleasant Mystery. He divides his time between Spokane, Washington, and Idaho.

Read More Show Less

Read an Excerpt

Never Sniff A Gift Fish

Blowing Smoke
Many people think that my reputation as a great outdoorsman is a product of inherent athletic ability. Nothing could be further from the truth, which is that I have been cursed since birth with an extraordinary lack of coordination.
For years my fly-casting technique was compared, rather banally I might add, to an old lady fighting off a bee with a broom handle. My canoe paddling raised shouts of alarm among onlookers, who assumed I was trying to repel an assault by a North American cousin of the Loch Ness monster. My attempts to pitch the family tent terrorized entire campgrounds. As for marksmanship, any game I happened to bring into camp was routinely examined by my disbelieving companions for powder burns. ("The man has stealth," they would say. "Who else could place the muzzle of a rifle to the head of a sleeping mule-deer buck? Who else could still miss?")
For years I suffered the ridicule of my fellow sportsmen over what they perceived to be my ineptitude. Then one day I happened to recall a lovable old college administrator I had once served time under, Dr. Milburn Snodgrass. That casual recollection was to advance outdoor sports by a hundred years.
Doc Snodgrass had taken up pipe smoking as a young man and turned it into a highly successful career, eventually rising to the position of dean. Obviously, his success was not due merely to pipe smoking. No, he was also the master of two facial expressions: thoughtful and bemused. Those were the total ingredients of his success. The man was dumb. It is my considered opinion that if intelligence were crankcase oil, his would not have wet the tip of the dipstick let alone reached the add-one-quart mark. But he was an excellent dean.
No matter what problem was brought before Doc Snodgrass, his response was to sit back and puff on his pipe, alternating between thoughtful and bemused expressions. The effect suggested that Doc was bemused by a problem so ridiculously simple and was giving thought to firing the nincompoop who dared bother him with it. The problem-bearer would laugh feebly, to indicate it was all a little joke, and then rush off to find the solution himself. People thought Snodgrass was a genius and often wondered what great ideas he was mulling over as he puffed his pipe and looked thoughtful and bemused. Eventually, I would learn the truth: Doc Snodgrass was not smart enough to mull.
One example will serve to illustrate the effectiveness of the dean's approach to human relations.
During a campus uprising, the students demanded that the college administration do away with Poverty,War, and Mashed Turnips in the Commissary, although not necessarily in that order. Doc Snodgrass appeared suddenly on the steps of the administration building, seemingly to confront the chanting mob but more likely because he had mistaken the exit for the door to the restroom. (His thoughtful expression was probably due at first to his wondering why so many students of both sexes were in the men's room.) As he fumbled about in his pockets looking for his tobacco pouch--the search for the source of the Nile took scarcely longer--the students fell silent, no doubt saving their breath for the purpose of shouting down the words of wisdom they expected to be forthcoming from the dean. (Youths are not called callow for nothing.) The pouch at last found, the dean began to fill his pipe, tamping and filling, tamping and filling, and all the while looking extremely thoughtful. Then he began probing his pockets for a match. Finally, an exasperated student in guerrilla attire lunged forward and thrust upon him a disposable lighter, little realizing that the dean was confounded by all such modern technology. His efforts to ignite the lighter by scratching it against a brick wall produced a good laugh from the students and a consensus among them that anyone with a sense of humor like that couldn't be such a bad guy after all. The mood of the crowd lightened. A game of Frisbee broke out. Someone threw a football. A coed burned her bra.
Having solved the riddle of the lighter, and tortured the tobacco into a state of combustion, Snodgrass began sucking away on his pipe as he looked increasingly thoughtful. He was, as I say, a master of the thoughtful expression. Even the hardliners among the students seemed unable to resist the impression that the dean wascontemplating the eradication of Poverty, War, and Mashed Turnips. The crowd began to disperse, its members exchanging among themselves the opinion that the dean had not only a great sense of humor but a mind "like a steel trap." The truth was, he had a mind like flypaper, and not very good flypaper at that. His total intellectual arsenal consisted of his pipe and those two facial expressions.
The import of the dean's pipe did not strike me immediately, but when it did, I rushed out and bought myself a pipe and tobacco and began practicing my expressions. As a direct consequence of these efforts, I began rising through the professorial ranks as if by levitation. The ugly rumor that I had flunked three successive IQ tests (there were a lot of trick questions) was silenced once and for all. Faculty and students alike began referring to me as one who had a mind like a steel trap. And I continued to puff my pipe and look alternately bemused and thoughtful as promotion after promotion was thrust upon me. Still, not all was well. There was the problem of my ineptitude at outdoor sports.
Then one day I was struck by a marvelous idea. If my pipe and expressions had worked so well in advancing my career, why wouldn't they be equally effective in something worthwhile, such as hunting and fishing? The very next weekend, on a fishing trip with Retch Sweeney and Fenton Quagmire, I took along my pipe and tobacco and, of course, my ability to become bemused or thoughtful at the drop of a hat.
The fishing started out routinely, with Sweeney and Quagmire making snide remarks about my casting technique. For the most part, however, they confined their merriment to a few chortles, saving the belly laughs forthe embarrassing predicament that my lack of coordination invariably lands me in.
Presently, I spotted a promising patch of water, but it was made almost inaccessible because of thick brush and high banks on one side and a monstrous logjam on the other. For that very reason I guessed that the deep hole beneath the logjam probably hadn't been prospected recently by other anglers. As I studied the situation, I noticed a slender log jutting out through the brush on the bank, and I quickly calculated that by sitting on the end of this log I could cast over the hole and still remain concealed from the fish. Five minutes later I was perched somewhat precariously on the end of the log and, in fact, had already extracted a couple of plump trout from beneath the logjam. Sweeney and Quagmire, both as yet without a single strike, glared enviously at me and cursed my ingenuity. Now it was my turn to chortle. But right in the middle of my chortle, a huge rainbow zoomed out of the depths like a Polaris missile and detonated on my Black Gnat. This was exactly what I had been anticipating, and with lightning reflexes, I fell off the log and dropped fifteen feet into a bed of assorted boulders, none smaller than a breadbox. Even though my impact on the rocks caused me to wonder momentarily whether pelvic transplants had yet been perfected, I immediately arose without so much as a whimper, whipped out my pipe, and began stuffing it with tobacco. Already I detected the sounds of Sweeney and Quagmire crashing through the brush, possibly to determine if I had suffered any serious injury but more likely racing each other for the fishing spot I had so recently abandoned. In any case, I knew that great booming laughs were already gestating in their bellies.But I was ready. When their heads popped from the brush, I was calmly puffing on my pipe and looking thoughtfully up at the log.
"You hurt?" Sweeney asked, traces of a smile already playing in the corners of his mouth.
To such a question I normally would have snappishly replied, "No, you idiot, I've always been shaped like a potato chip!" Then would have come the wild howls of mirth, the ecstatic knee-slapping, and the attempts by Sweeney and Quagmire to re-create through mimicry some of my more extravagant moves during the course of the fall. But not this time.
Calmly, I blew a puff of smoke toward them and displayed my bemused look. I then returned my thoughtful gaze to the log.
I will not exaggerate the quality of my companions' mental processes by suggesting that they had flashes of insight. Nevertheless, I sensed some faint cognitive flickerings.
"Whatcha do that for?" asked Quagmire, referring to my fall.
"Yeah, you could've hurt yourself," Sweeney added, puzzled.
Without replying, I continued to study the log thoughtfully, occasionally tossing a bemused look in the direction of my audience of two.
Thoroughly befuddled, Quagmire and Sweeney at last wandered off to resume their fishing. They clearly were of the impression that I had deliberately planned and executed the fall from the log, possibly as a scientific experiment for a secret government agency. Success! Before shouting "Eureka!" however, I salved my injuries with emergency first aid, which consisted largely of defoliatingall the flora within a five-foot radius by hissing a stream of colorful expressions, and hopping about like a rain dancer trying to terminate a five-year drought.
I could scarcely wait to test the pipe-and-two-expression ploy on wits quicker than those of Sweeney and Quagmire. The next weekend I was fishing alone on one of my favorite rivers and happened to run into a chap whose name turned out to be Shep. He obviously was an expert fly caster. His wrist would twitch and eighty feet of line would shoot toward the far bank, the tiny fly settling on the surface of the water as softly as a falling flake of dandruff. Even as I watched, he netted one of the finest trout I've ever seen taken from the river.
"I think I'll keep this one," he said to me. "Now the big ones, I always release them."
"Big ones?" I said, ogling his hefty catch. "Why, yes, I never take any of the big ones home myself. In fact, I often don't take home any small ones or middle-sized ones either."
"Now, that's what I call true sportsmanship!" Shep said, casually dropping a fly three inches from the far bank. "Say, there's plenty of room here. Why don't you try a few casts yourself?"
I had already dug out my pipe and lighted up. "Well, maybe, but first let me see you do that again, that, uh, cast of yours."
He obliged me with a repeat performance, this time placing the fly a mere inch from the bank. I puffed my pipe and gave him my bemused look.
"Something wrong?" he asked, a note of unease in his voice.
I puffed away, looking bemused, as he made anotherawesome cast. He was showing definite signs of discomfort.
"It's my elbow, isn't it?" he said. "I've never held my elbow the way you're supposed to. Maybe you can give me a couple of lessons."
I knocked the ashes out of my pipe, changed to the thoughtful expression, and unleashed a powerful twenty-foot cast, the splash from which lifted a flock of crows cawing into the air from a nearby cornfield.
Shep leaped back. "Are you okay? That was a nasty spasm you had just then."
I silenced him with my bemused look. Then I stoked up my pipe again, alternating between thoughtful and bemused expressions. That destroyed the last of Shep's confidence. Ten minutes later I had him totally under my power and was even giving him a few casting tips.
"There you go again," I scolded him, "casting over twenty-five feet. You have to learn control, man, learn controll"
"I know," Shep said, whimpering, "but I just can't seem to get the knack of it."
"Well, then, try this approach," I advised. "Just pretend you're a little old lady fighting off a bee with a broom handle."
Naturally, I was delighted to discover that this bit of business with the pipe and two expressions not only transcended my lack of coordination but conveyed the impression that I was actually an expert angler. Within six months, I had applied the technique to all the other outdoor sports and found that it worked equally well. Now when I missed an easy shot at a pheasant, say, I would no longer hang my head and look embarrassed. Instead, I'd stick the pipe in my mouth and look bemused."You sure scared the heck out of that ol' ring-neck," my companion would say. "You've got to be darn good to miss a shot like that!"
To date, my greatest achievement with the pipe and two expressions occurred on a backpacking trip into a wilderness area of the Rocky Mountains. Sweeney, Quagmire, and I were hiking along a trail when we came across a bear track of approximately the dimensions of a doormat.
"Bleep!" hissed Sweeney. "Look at the size of that track!"
"It's fr-fresh, too," whispered Quagmire, swiveling his head about. "L-looks like grizzly. Can't be far away, either."
As I now do under all such circumstances, I dug out the pipe, calmly filled, tamped, and lighted it. Just then a grouse exploded from the brush at the edge of the trail and gave all three of us quite a start. Nevertheless, I puffed away on my pipe and looked bemused. Both Quagmire and Sweeney said later they were extremely impressed by my reaction. After all, it's no simple thing to puff a pipe and look bemused when you're running that fast.
Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1981, 1982, 1983 by Patrick F. McManus

Read More Show Less

Table of Contents

Blowing Smoke 1
Poof-No Eyebrows! 10
I Fish; Therefore, I Am 20
Running on Empty 26
The Cat and the Cat Burglar 33
Salami on Rye and Hold the Wild Gobo 41
Two-Man-Tent Fever 49
Fish Poles, and Other Useful Terminology 56
The Man Who Notices Things 64
The Elk Trappers 73
The Short Happy Life of Francis Cucumber 83
The Arkansas Prank Hound 91
Well, Excuuuuse Me! 98
The Mountain Car 103
The Christmas Hatchet 114
The Night Grandma Shot Shorty 121
The Kindest Cut of All 126
The Bush Pilots 135
Share and Share Alike 144
Never Sniff a Gift Fish 151
Backseats I Have Known 159
Edgy Rider 166
Strange Scenes and Eerie Events 178
The Hunters' Workout Guide 184
Temporary Measures 191
The Fibricators 196
The Family Camper's Dictionary 203
The Big Match 210
Read More Show Less

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 5 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(4)

4 Star

(0)

3 Star

(1)

2 Star

(0)

1 Star

(0)

Your Rating:

Your Name: Create a Pen Name or

Barnes & Noble.com Review Rules

Our reader reviews allow you to share your comments on titles you liked, or didn't, with others. By submitting an online review, you are representing to Barnes & Noble.com that all information contained in your review is original and accurate in all respects, and that the submission of such content by you and the posting of such content by Barnes & Noble.com does not and will not violate the rights of any third party. Please follow the rules below to help ensure that your review can be posted.

Reviews by Our Customers Under the Age of 13

We highly value and respect everyone's opinion concerning the titles we offer. However, we cannot allow persons under the age of 13 to have accounts at BN.com or to post customer reviews. Please see our Terms of Use for more details.

What to exclude from your review:

Please do not write about reviews, commentary, or information posted on the product page. If you see any errors in the information on the product page, please send us an email.

Reviews should not contain any of the following:

  • - HTML tags, profanity, obscenities, vulgarities, or comments that defame anyone
  • - Time-sensitive information such as tour dates, signings, lectures, etc.
  • - Single-word reviews. Other people will read your review to discover why you liked or didn't like the title. Be descriptive.
  • - Comments focusing on the author or that may ruin the ending for others
  • - Phone numbers, addresses, URLs
  • - Pricing and availability information or alternative ordering information
  • - Advertisements or commercial solicitation

Reminder:

  • - By submitting a review, you grant to Barnes & Noble.com and its sublicensees the royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable right and license to use the review in accordance with the Barnes & Noble.com Terms of Use.
  • - Barnes & Noble.com reserves the right not to post any review -- particularly those that do not follow the terms and conditions of these Rules. Barnes & Noble.com also reserves the right to remove any review at any time without notice.
  • - See Terms of Use for other conditions and disclaimers.
Search for Products You'd Like to Recommend

Recommend other products that relate to your review. Just search for them below and share!

Create a Pen Name

Your Pen Name is your unique identity on BN.com. It will appear on the reviews you write and other website activities. Your Pen Name cannot be edited, changed or deleted once submitted.

 
Your Pen Name can be any combination of alphanumeric characters (plus - and _), and must be at least two characters long.

Continue Anonymously
Sort by: Showing all of 6 Customer Reviews
  • Posted January 12, 2014

    A way to out think them

    This was given as a relief from a very serious book we had just finished. It opened my eyes to the reality of people in my life and the manipulative ways they, and subsequently I, use on people without a qualm to get through various situations. Until this book, I never heard of this author and I appreciate the humorous way he has of getting his points across. You will enjoy this because somewhere you will see yourself.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 12, 2012

    Very funny book anyone who likes the outdoors should read this

    Awesome book

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 13, 2002

    Hilarious Stuff!!

    I was recently introduced to McManus and I love the way that he writes. He keeps the stories interesting and I could relate to so many of them. I laughed so much when I read each short story. Wonderful for outdoorsy type people (or those who wish to be)

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 9, 2001

    Chances are - It might bite

    McManus is the funniest author I have ever read. sent all of his audios to husband while in Bosnia. They really took his mind from surroundings about him. Now he is very ill and still enjoys -Keep them coming - Bless McManus for his talent.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 17, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted January 18, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

Sort by: Showing all of 6 Customer Reviews

If you find inappropriate content, please report it to Barnes & Noble
Why is this product inappropriate?
Comments (optional)