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THE FLEXIBLE IDENTITY
First and foremost, you must understand that your identity is yours to shape. Do not think for a moment that who you are is fixed. Your body, your voice, and your demeanor are all malleable. Even your intelligence is under your control, to some extent. You may not be able to change your IQ, but you can certainly change how much you know about the world around you. The physical attributes you were born with merely comprise the canvas on which you can exact your artistry.
Shaping your identity calls for impeccable self-awareness and rigorous discipline, but I cannot think of a task more worthy of such effort. We cannot escape ourselves, so we had better arrange ourselves to our liking so that we are able to wake up and enjoy the person we see in the mirror each day. This should be not only a rewarding experience but also an enjoyable one. If you’re not passionate about it, though, you probably won’t change much. Lackluster attitude will get you lackluster results. Like the overweight woman who finally throws her hands up and starts a rigorous exercise program, or like the smoker who finally kicks her habit, you have to want this.
And you do want it, don’t you? That’s why you picked up this book in the first place. You want to be her. Moreover, you want to redefine who her is. You want her to be you. Even better.
REVISITING THE TEENAGE YEARS
My first experience with this kind of transformation occurred around the beginning of my teenage years. In my last years of junior high school, I was shy, brainy, and quiet. I envied my friends just a few years older, who were funny, gregarious, outgoing, and socially fearless. I wanted so badly to be like them that I performed a complete overhaul of my personality, not only on the outside (no more glasses, no more braces, better clothing, better makeup—the former two for which I have to credit my mom more than myself) but also, and more importantly, on the inside.
If I wanted to be outgoing, I was going to have to talk to more people. If I wanted to be funny, I was going to have to be comfortable with speaking up and laughing at myself when necessary. If I was going to be gregarious and socially fearless, I was going to have to infuse my personality with zest and enthusiasm, to bring my inner passions to the surface so that others would be compelled by them. It took work, but I did it. At the start of high school I was the best-known person in my class, and my popularity only dimmed when the cool sporty girls figured out that I was into activities like musical theater and speech/debate. (Well, I never said I wanted to be cool—just outgoing.)
You probably experienced something similar in your formative years as well, but you may have figured that it was a natural process of adolescence, not necessarily something you achieved with conscious intent. You may also assume that since your formative teenage years are over, this is no longer an acceptable undertaking—you are a grown woman now, your circle of friends is generally steady, you have to work at your job, you don’t have time to re-create yourself, or you’re afraid of what other people might think.
Get over it. You must become who you want to be, today, because you owe it to yourself to live your life in the manner that pleases you.
What does this have to do with seduction? We are all genetically predisposed to be attracted to certain kinds of people. Attraction occurs without our even thinking about it. Therefore re-create yourself to become the kind of person who attracts the people you want in your life, and you will increase your chances of attracting the person you want.
I don’t advocate changing yourself out of insecurity. I don’t advocate changing yourself in order to seek or gain outside approval as a substitute for inner self-worth. But I do advocate changing yourself as conscious choice to live in the way that’s going to make you happiest and help you achieve your goals.
Let’s talk about attractiveness for a moment. In fact, let’s get a touch controversial and talk about purely physical attractiveness. Because I’m going to tell you something you might not like to hear: cultivating physical attractiveness is a skill set, something under your control. Sure, we are all born with different sets of genetics, and some are luckier than others, but we can all enhance what we were given. And this means we need to take responsibility for what we create and admit to ourselves that physical attractiveness truly matters when it comes to developing our relationships. It’s definitely not the only thing that matters, but in the beginning it’s a crucial factor.
I don’t mind that being physically attractive is an advantage. A study televised on the TV show 20/20 found that significantly more men will pull over to help a conventionally attractive woman whose car has run out of gas than they will for a less attractive woman dressed in the same outfit with the same make of car. As a former pro-domme, it is no secret to me that men will go out of their way for a beautiful woman. And rather than waving my fist about trying to change that, to pound it into the male brains that they should go just as far out of their way for a not-so-beautiful woman, I choose to accept it, and furthermore, to exploit it.
I purposefully decided to lose twenty pounds, enhance my breasts (nonsurgically, for the record), corset-train my waist, and undergo regular spa treatments to keep my skin smooth and firm. And like most women who choose to make these kinds of changes, I can assuredly say I did it for myself—it’s just that I’ll also say I did it not only for myself alone in a room looking in a mirror, but also for myself out in the world viewed by all sorts of men. It doesn’t mean that I gave in to what men want a woman to look like against my will; rather, I consciously formulated myself according to what men want a woman to look like so that I could gain the advantages that come with it.
I’ve seen women who hang on to the belief that appearances ought to be nearly irrelevant to a man who is courting them. They enter the pro-domination industry all the time. The example that comes readily to mind is a woman in her early twenties who was briefly employed as one of my colleagues. She ran some sort of raging feminist forum on the side (I say “raging” with no trace of sarcasm, as the word “rage” was somewhere in the name of her website).
During her short-lived pro-domme career, she took great offense at any man who turned down a session with her, because in her mind they weren’t valuing her as much as she felt she deserved. In the meantime, she wore thick glasses, never had a pedicure, had a dumpy figure that could have benefited greatly from a weekly exercise routine, and refused to shave her legs or underarms. In her mind, her appearance had nothing to do with why she wasn’t getting any sessions; she simply dismissed all men who turned her down as shallow with poor taste. “They should worship me as I am! They’re all just pigs who are looking for some hot body!”
Well, can you blame them? They are genetically predisposed—biologically wired—to do so. This leaves your average woman two choices: either wait around to be approached by the man who does like you exactly as you are, or make a change in order to attract the masses. I know what I did.
Performance sensation and Cointreau spokeswoman Dita Von Teese did it too. In an interview with Elle magazine, she related a story about a fan who greeted her after a performance and said to her, “You know, you’re not even that pretty.”
“I know. Isn’t that great?” she quipped. “Sex goddesses are made, not born.”
Studies from around the world have shown that most partners in happy relationships are of equal attractiveness. The threes pair up with other threes; the tens pair up with tens. If you want to expand the horizon of potential receptive targets, the first and best thing you can do for yourself is to cultivate your own level of attraction. If you’re a seven and you want to bag the nines and tens, make an honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses, and devise a plan for what you want to change and what you want to further emphasize. It may be something as pervasive as choosing a healthier eating regimen to better your figure, or it may be as easy as making the effort to do your hair every morning. It may also have nothing to do with your appearance—it may be something about the way you move, or speak, or even a personality trait (we’ll cover those too). But whatever is keeping you from ascending that crucial number or two on the attraction scale, tackle it and make it habitual.
This might sound harsh, but I didn’t write this book to coddle you. I wrote it to help you. When I made positive changes in my appearance and demeanor, my client numbers and my income began to steadily increase. Not to mention my dating propositions. I never said the changes were easy to make—but they were effective.
In the next few chapters I’m going to tell you how to create your own persona reflecting an attractiveness and seductiveness that is a purposeful expression of yourself. You may find that you will want to give your persona a complete overhaul, or you may simply wish to tweak a few things and add some more specificity to your choices.
Then we’re going to talk about several aspects of attractiveness that are nearly universal, rules rather than exceptions, that you will probably want to assimilate into the image you’re presenting. I am going to ask you to make an honest assessment of yourself and decide what you want to change, enhance, or downplay.
Now that presumably you’re on board with me, let’s proceed.
WHEN TO BRING YOUR A-GAME
Let’s see if you can guess this one: When should you bring out your seductive persona? Should it be when you meet a target you want to pursue? When you’re out trying to meet people in the first place? When you’re already in a relationship?
If you answered yes to any one of the above, you lose this round. Your game in seduction begins…when you get out of bed. Actually, it should be going on while you’re in bed too! Victoria’s Secret didn’t start making nice satin babydolls again for nothing.
You should be living your seductive persona 24-7. You should be your seductive persona. It should be effortless. It will take effort at first, but eventually it will become routine. As playwright David Mamet said, “Make the difficult easy; the easy, habitual; and the habitual, beautiful.” Be who you desire to be. In the following chapter I’ll tell you the areas you need to cover and give you tips on how to choose what attributes best suit you. But you must change what you want to change and make it a habit until it simply assimilates into who you are and what you do every day.
A friend once complimented me on my appearance one day, and I coyly replied, “Oh, thanks, you know, I try.”
“No, you don’t,” he said.
“You’re right, I don’t,” I conceded. “But it took me years to perfect.”
- You must understand that your identity is yours to shape. You must become who you want to be, today, because you owe it to yourself to live your life in the manner that pleases you.
- Become the kind of person people are attracted to, and you will increase your chances of attracting the person you want.
- If you want to expand the horizon of potential receptive targets, the first and best thing you can do for yourself is to cultivate your own level of attraction. Make an honest assessment of your strengths and weaknesses, and devise a plan for what you want to change and what you want to further emphasize.
- You should be living your seductive persona 24-7. You should be your seductive persona. It should be effortless.