Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
Age Five (1973)
School
nurse touches my back got crooked like a old lady is how I look the school nurse asks if I'm okay with her finger it crawls up my spine like a spider is how it feels
bend over so I do hands together so I do the school lady checks my back every Friday before lunch when the other kids do art shirt off the spider crawls up my back follows my spine until it reaches my head knock knock
my back's getting worse because my head's too heavy from thinking the school lady says Why is your back getting worse you're too young I don't tell her about my heavy head from the thinking
school nurse says: are you okay
I say: yes
now I look just like a old lady crooked and bent I get a cane and hobble to school with it not really but I could from being so crooked other kids make art a spider crawls up my back my back is a s stands for snake ssssnake like the big one in my bed crawls up lives where my spine used to be
school nurse calls me in special on a Monday to talk with a school man the school man and the school nurse say take your shirt off so I do hands together so I do the school nurse says See one two three she counts up my back with her spider leg fingers until she gets to a spot then her spider leg crawls over my rib under my arm
Where did you get this the school nurse says with her spider leg finger on the new spot I shrug my shoulders to tell her I don't know but my hands are pressed together it's hard to move Do you have any more the school man says I stand up straight like a arrow pull my pants down
the school nurse and the school man say Oh so I pull my pants up they call in my mom and another school lady and a policeman who takes pictures of my crooked back with my pants down my mom says she doesn't know anything maybe it was the babysitter they ask me I shrug my shoulders bent over like a old lady from thinking too much
Knock knock Who's there The head board Whose head board
the policeman and the new school lady take me into custody until matters are resolved I don't know what matters are and when I ask the school nurse what does matters are resolved mean she says Oh you are just like a little parrot I don't ask no more questions I wonder if the school nurse is going to walk up my crooked back anymore with her spider leg fingers
I sleep in a new house with some people I don't know I eat oatmeal in the morning the policeman and the new school lady bring me in for questioning ask about the crooked back the s snake the spots on my butt I shrug my shoulders that's all shrug shoulders bend over one two three they find the spots on my back and my butt
I get released for a lack of evidence back to my house I go I eat at my house and sleep at my house and go to school every morning the school nurse walks up my back the other kids do art Christmas comes and goes and I forget about how I ate oatmeal at some other house I did not know the name of
What does lack of evidence mean I say to mom she grabs my arm and says Stop repeating grown up words no one likes a smarty pants five year old who acts like a parrot
one day the school nurse crawls up my back with her spider legs while the other kids make Valentine hearts knock knock she taps on my head Do you get headaches No is what I say but her spider legs keep crawling to the top What's this the school nurse feels a spot on the top of my head bumped up like a little rock she pulls apart my hair with her busy fingers finds a spot like the ones under my pants Good lord did someone hit you is what she says I shrug two more school ladies come in one says We can't keep ignoring this
a meeting is scheduled between me mom and the school ladies but not dad the school nurse has to check me everyday for spots which is what she said to mom one more spot and I go into custody again I worry about more spots showing up where the school nurse can find them my head gets so heavy from all the thinking one more custody means I go to oatmeal's again lack of evidence means I'm bad all the thinking my head's so heavy might break my back
Crack the back the headboard spat
me mom the school ladies talk in a official meeting about well being the school nurse with the spider fingers says we have concerns about the bruises on the back head rear how is this so mom says I don't know shrugs her shoulders she's always been a clumsy girl the school ladies look at each other one says Missus So And So your daughter's back is degenerating alarming rate when we leave the ladies say We got nowhere with them mom takes me for ice cream
an alarming degenerating rate is what my sssnake spine does no one knows it's from my heavy head thinking so many thoughts mom says nothing pretends like we never had a official meeting one two three the school nurse walks up my back looking for spots
school nurse says: are you okay
I say: shrug my shoulders
the next night snake crawls in bed with me to go up my back lay down so I do be quiet so I do hands over your stomach so I do the snake goes inside me up my back I lay with my hands together in a coffin dead the snake breathes hard one two three until my head cracks on the headboard the snake pushes my head into the headboard my board head cracked
Knock knock Who's there The head board What head board
I get up go to school the school nurse checks me for spots takes me into custody for breaking the rules no more mom and dad I eat oatmeal with the people I don't know the school ladies run tests it's proven the headboard cracked my back
I still don't sleep at night I am a pile of rocks from the river waiting on my bed broken the snake will be back to crawl through the cracks
The trial
is set for the middle of November after Halloween so mom can't dress me in a mask no candy this year the oatmeal lady says stay inside play games eat fresh caramel apples baked in the oven all drippy
nothing is what I say I liked mom to dress me in a mask send me outside to get sweet tarts in the dark No more of that young lady it's dangerous to be outside needles n poison n sugar rots your teeth nuh huh is what I think but I don't say anything to the oatmeal lady the sugar makes the bad taste go out of my mouth and I save the masks keep them under my bed tucked in tight with the dust so snake man can't see my face if he can't see my face he can't kill me mom's mask helps me live I don't explain that or nothing else to oatmeal lady
the trial is set the date is in stone I can't move it the kids in school think I'm creepy to be on trial the school lady crawls up my back she is sick the day we make Halloween masks I make my own red n black bat mask I tie it on with string wear it everywhere no one can see me
we all get deposed me the school lady the school man and oatmeal the suit man says I have to say yes or no can't shrug shoulders he says Do you understand looking me in the face I say yes behind my red n black bat mask
suit man says: yes what
I say: yes your honor
the trial approaches wind blowing my hair I see a child psychologist who points her fingers at me Do you love your mother Yes Do you love your father look at shoes Little Miss So And So show me on the doll where the touching occurred point one two three slide creepy crawly fingers to the spot stick it in the child psychologist blinks behind her big glasses says she will be at the trial to help cope I look at her blank n case she tries to creepy crawly her way in through the eye holes
The child is non responsive she says the next visit behind a closed door non responsive is what she says because she can't get in behind my red n black bat mask my head gets heavier than a boulder thinking about the trial is all I do
one day the trial comes creepy crawly spider up my back bone to visit me Hello trial I say to it n eat my oatmeal n get ready to go to the courthouse with oatmeal lady oatmeal colored hair lady dresses me up in new clothes a dancy girl with ribbons I pull out
oatmeal lady says: leave in hair
I say: rip them out throw them down
Oh oatmeal lady says I step on the ribbons under my shoe no more pretty ribbons for the honor to judge I decide not to like oatmeal lady set my mask on so tight my nose can't barely breathe through the holes makes a whish whish breathing sound
Whish whish Who did it The head board did it
judge So And So presiding bam bam bam get down on your knees to pray all rise all sit I'm in the front row keep my skirt tucked tight so judge honorable won't see down it
judge says: young lady what is your name
I say: my name is Little Miss So And So
Repeat that for the court I sit stare is what I do to make people think retard the judge says Contempt n suit man runs over says So And So say your full name so I do My name is Little Miss So And So mom says nothing sitting in her chair in the audience
the lady who points her fingers is next to her like they are friends I am a bad girl so I won't talk no more be quiet like dad says I shake my head yes no the judge permisses it suit man is happy pulls me off the stand takes me out for ice cream then back to oatmeal get sleep don't be tired for second day testing
get up eat oatmeal go to court with oatmeal lady second day questions sit on the stand look at mom shrug shoulders can't shrug your shoulders have to nod yes no or say it yes no yes no the head board the suit man from dad's side asks questions I sit stare retard adjourn court back at three
the suit man buys Burger King onion rings hamburger Pepsi tells me to talk on the stand it's okay nod yes no yes no suit man drinks his pop says You have to talk I nod
suit man me oatmeal lady drive back to court sit in room until it's time to take the stand mom is in the audience with her friend the child psychologist the suit men ask questions I nod yes no yes no squeeze the black pebble I found on oatmeal's step keeps me from floating away mom cross her legs the creepy crawly school lady is in the audience next to the school man everyone listens to how bad I am
bad girl bad girl bam bam bam the honorable judge adjourns to tomorrow morning nine am sharp
suit man says: tomorrow is important. I'm going to ask if your dad hurt you remember what to do
I say: nod yes
suit man says: you can tell the truth your dad can't hurt you anymore
I say: nothing
nine am comes to me in the night sharp as teeth smacked is what I get if my teeth touch dad's snake nine am sharp as teeth in the night hit upside the head dad says if you tell I'll kill your mother I nod yes no yes no shrug shoulders squeeze pebble look at mom in the audience keep her alive
oatmeal lady pulls me out of bed feeds me oatmeal to be strong with oatmeal makes a muscle on her arm
she says: strong
I say: swallow
she says: what did your dad do you can tell me the truth
I say: stare at oatmeal cold lumpy bumpy tan oatmeal
she says: you have to tell the truth
I say: stare at oatmeal the color of carpet
ride car to court sit on top swing lasso Be strong oatmeal says smiles I'm a cowgirl swinging my rope not going to court I'm a cowgirl not going to court! not going to court! I catch people with my rope!
The day
has finally arrived suit man child psychologist spider leg lady say: The day! shiny and bright I ride through the streets on the car chasing people with my rope suit man child psychologist spider leg lady sit in a room with me waiting for the honorable judge and his sharp nine am
suit man says: this is it
child psychologist says: grab onto my hand
I say: pull it away
spider leg lady says: we're going to do it Little Miss So And So
suit man says: I have a good feeling judge honorable will be on our side
spider leg lady says: then you can come back to our school
child psychologist says: and play with the other children
suit man says: fifteen minutes
child psychologist says: important you tell the truth Little Miss So And So
spider leg lady says: you are safe now
I pull my mask back tighter until the strings bleed skin n my eye lids flatten out like a China girl's I creepy crawly off the chair under table on the floor out door
suit man says: where are you going Little Miss So And So
I say: into a hole
suit man child psychologist spider leg lady say: come back here! we have a lot invested in you!
invested I creepy crawly back wait for am sharp to arrive in a black robe down to its knees It's time! it's time! suit man excites around the room we sit down in court honorable judge all rise all sit all pray child pointy finger psychologist whispers to suit man suit man turns slams fist down runs to the honorable judge's table points and jumps in the air one two three times
bam bam bam sit down judge says suit man sits mad dad is at the table next to me suit man stands up sits down yells my client cannot testify intimidation judge honorable bam bam One more outburst and this court will be contempt says honorable judge honorable
my knees scrunch together suit man meets with pointy finger lady talks to honorable judge his sleeves crossed over his chest bam bam bam I sit on the stand stare at my shoes fancy dancy shoes squeeze the pebble in my pocket Little Miss So And So dad sits at the table hands together Little Miss So And So! I say nothing shrug shoulders suit man says show the court on the doll gives me a doll I drop it look at dad out of the tops of my eyes he looks mad mom sits in the audience saying nothing I sit on the stand saying nothing Show me on the doll where you were hurt who hurt you no answer just stare at shoes watch mad dad through my mask eye holes Who Hurt You stare Who Hurt You Little Miss So And So I stare and stare digging a hole a deep a far away Little Miss So And So! I stare Please Tell The Court Who Hurt You The head board is what I say the head board did it judge honor bams session over case dismissed the girl must be crazy
*
The ceiling
has goose bumps rock a bye baby rock a bye baby the ceiling has more goose bumps on it than the skin of a chicken without feathers stretched on the counter stretched like a mouth when fingers pull it open stretched on the counter skin peeled off the meat n bones mom doesn't like the fat of the skin the bumpy bumpy skin
crazy girl! crazy girl! the headboard sung crazy girl the judge judged crazy girl the suit man shook his head the child psychologist looked out of her big glasses the oatmeal lady left crazy girl in court the spider leg lady won't go up her back no more creepy crawly crazy girl all alone
crazy girl rides home in a car that's me crazy girl rock a bye baby rock a bye baby That's what you get mom says your dad's mad he went out to cool down Whoo! whoo! steam whistle shooting through my brain cool down dad's mad I don't get no ice cream mom says Your dad said to have you in bed before he gets home
the snake's back I don't get no supper no food no fried chicken meat or mashed potatoes or long skinny green beans for crazy girl straight to bed mom pulls down the shades it's still light out not time for bed mom leaves the door cracked
crack the back the headboard spat I don't get no supper not the skin stretched out on the counter bumpy n pink or the meat in the pan sizzling hot or the bone poking out white n round no supper for crazy girl everyone knows she's crazy
I sleep under the blanket listening for mad dad to come home slam the garage door like he always does like he always yells at mom Is supper ready Big Fat Stupid Miss So And So is it what I want made the way I want Big Fat Stupid Miss So And So I shut my eyes tight listen until my ears grow big as the room the biggest ears in the world listening for mad dad to come home slam bam the garage door yell at mom sneak his snake up the stairs to my room where I sleep waiting in my bed like a princess gone dead
my ears hear a creaking stair my ears are good the best ears in the world all alone crazy girl has the best ears in the world! creak creak creak someone is sneaking up the stairs I slit my eyes like a sneaky China Doll Girl slipping out her eyelids the door opens it's mom Bad girl she says from the door with her face pointed like a knife to take the bumpy skin off the chicken meat white bone bird in the pan bad bad girl mom says her hand gripping on the door knuckles white as the bone in the pan don't ever let anyone find out again
stupid crazy girl let someone find out! stupid crazy girl is going to burn in hell mom said so don't do it again stupid crazy girl or mom will kill you in your sleep with her bumpy knife to peel the bumpy bumpy skin like the the bumpy bumpy ceiling
the birds chirp outside it's still light out but crazy girl is in bed for being bad Chirp Chirp Peep Peep they sing and play and jump around while I wait I wait and wait and wait n my ears get heavy from waiting n so they need a rest n so they rest on the floor the biggest ears in all the world sit down on the floor in my room crazy crazy girl locked in her room
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "Nickels"
by .
Copyright © 2011 Christine Stark.
Excerpted by permission of Loving Healing Press, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
