No Bullies: Solutions for Saving Our Children from Today's Bully
150
No Bullies: Solutions for Saving Our Children from Today's Bully
150eBook
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Overview
We’ve all seen bullies in action. Many of us have been the victims. Some of us have been the perpetrator. But thanks to all the attention being focused on bullies and the issues that surround them, awareness is growing of the damage bullying can do.
Whether we’re raising children in this culture or we’re part of the village that helps, we also need some effective and user-friendly tools to go up against the bully. We need some very specific and action-oriented strategies to help every child feel welcomed and valued. This book offers a smart, useful guide for parents, teachers, counselors, and anyone who cares about putting an end to abusive behavior.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781614484387 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Morgan James Publishing |
| Publication date: | 09/10/2019 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 150 |
| File size: | 768 KB |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
CHAPTER 1
The Culture of Bullying — What Is It Really About and Why Are So Many Young People Embracing It?
Everyone is watching. A live audience and millions of national television and on-line viewers are looking on as the announcement is made that singer-songwriter Taylor Swift has won the MTV Video Music Award for Best Female Video. Immediately, Kanye West defiantly invades the stage to grab the award from a shocked Swift as a protest to his perception that she is undeserving. According to MTV News, the crowd is silent and confused. They don't know how to respond.
This startling scene from pop culture left an indelible image that cannot be forgotten by the large numbers of people who saw it. Or can it? Kanye West is still a highly successful music artist, fashion designer, film director and world-class tweeter. In fact, he's probably even more popular after the incident.
While we can't blame artists like Kanye and his followers for the myriad reasons why kids bully, we can certainly propose that for many young people the impact of teen culture speaks loudly to the attitude of defiance and domination.
In much of today's society, to be crude, inappropriate, mean spirited, rude and socially unacceptable is now grounds for some type of celebratory award in its own right. The sense of human entitlement and domination has clearly made a dent in, and in some instances even replaced, the ideal of civility.
What was once thought of as an insult or "put down," a big part of traditional bullying, has now evolved into an overall and consistent "in your face" style of behavior strongly supported by a number of Fortune 500 media giants and sold as "youth or pop culture".
This phenomenon was well defined in the PBS Frontline documentary The Merchants of Cool featuring media correspondent Douglas Rushkoff. He alluded to what we are seeing as the rise of Today's Bully when he declared that youth culture and media culture are now one and the same, and it becomes impossible to tell "which came first, the anger or the marketing of the anger".
With the backing of the extensive empire of wealth that supports youth culture, the new style of bullying behavior rarely occurs in isolation. It operates within a context that is supported by the entertainment and fashion industries, professional sports, politics, corporate America and more. The victims of the behavior may at times feel that their abusers are part of society in general, not simply the negative choices and aberrant behaviors of select individuals.
Moreover, bullies today easily feed on peer pressure. That pressure, when combined with the power of popular culture, can sometimes be interpreted as a license to insult, abuse and injure without consideration of the consequences.
These behaviors, which include dismissals, exclusivity, put downs, profanity, threats, and even physical violence may not even be seen as bullying, but rather a normal part of their existence, and in some cases, a means to survival in the growing "in your face" world.
Those of us who have worked in an office or other work setting understand the penalties for creating a hostile workplace. Why aren't these same "hostile work environment" rules applied in other public and private places?
So how do children and teens escape this new form of abuse?
At one tragic extreme, some have ended their lives. For others, reactions range from depression to acting out.
Finally, for some, they escape by transforming into a bully themselves.
We face relentless pressure that this behavior is the "new normal". The bullying culture has become so prevalent and dominant that we feel reduced to bystanders.
To extend a sports analogy, the rulebook and the whistle need to be put back into the game. This need comes from set expectations of behavior and stated sanctions for those who do not abide by those expectations in places where we have a say — at home, in school, in the workplace, in recreational and competitive sports and in our neighborhoods.
The scope is difficult to get our arms around. The State of New York announced a 2011 survey of high school students that showed 18% of them reported being bullied on school property in 2010 and 16% reported being bullied electronically. That's more than one third of students reporting a bullying experience. And of course, that doesn't take into account what's not reported.
Bullying Defined
A dictionary definition from more than fifty years ago describes a bully as "harsh" and "cruel", someone who is "habitually threatening to others". After half a century the words still ring true.
According to most contemporary definitions, bullying occurs when a person is exposed repeatedly to "negative actions" on the part of one or more other persons.
These "negative actions" refer to one person intentionally inflicting injury or discomfort upon another person, through physical contact, through words, or in other ways.
How Bullying Got Out of Control
Children are bullying each other in frighteningly effective 21st century ways. These are not your father's bullies. Armed with social media and supported by a culture that seems to glorify bullying throughout a wide spectrum of activities, today's kids experience bullying behavior in every direction they turn.
Many parents are either numb to bullying or far less sensitive than they should be because they may experience it every day at work. The bullies of their own childhood have grown up and become their co-workers and supervisors.
Too often it seems that the least compassionate and most domineering get ahead.
Some would say it's always been that way, that the media has simply expanded and amplified the nastiness.
Our history lends some truth to that assertion through political campaigns that introduced us to contentious behavior and outright ugly moments shortly after America declared its independence. The earliest days of the republic also saw intimidation and domineering behavior incorporated into military training and discipline.
In fact, there is substantial historical record to suggest that the very people who sacrificed so much to escape harassment in the old world, brought bullies along with them. Of course what happened in the slave ships and in the aftermath of their arrival on our shores took bullying to levels of inhumanity.
But while the historical record bears witness to intense and excessive examples of bullying over the years, never before has there been a time when 7.3 million children in America have a parent in the penal system. Or when 1,400,000 youths claim gang affiliation. Or when countless handguns are available even to small children. Never has there been an opportunity to bully a child so brutally using nothing but a cell phone. Things have become different, and they've become more serious.
What we can safely say is that bullying evolved to the place where we find it today and it serves little purpose to explore exactly how it arrived. What matters is that it's here.
Hostility is commonplace.
Look at our political process. Much of our television broadcasting is filled with negative, angry, name-calling political ads that seek an attack platform instead of common ground. In many local and regional races, where there's less oversight, these candidates don't just want to win an election. They want to destroy their opponent.
Our kids digest this behavior as part of a steady diet.
Incredibly, the news media gave a little ho-hum back page coverage to the October 2011 revelation by the FBI that membership in gangs has increased 40% in just two years as the national economic picture declined and more young people gave up on the idea of being a contributing member of a society that leaves them out.
Ho hum.
But let some of those expanding numbers of gang members take each other out, and even more newsworthy, do some collateral damage in a drug related shootout, and it's a different story. One that actually gets some coverage.
Our news media now puts its 24/7 offerings together on the news placement priority of "if it bleeds it leads", an approach deemed more likely to attract the less than attentive eyes of most viewers. Or worse, even the media gets jaded with so much violence and manages to transform some celebrity divorce or the latest update from the people in a reality TV show into a major story despite the domestic war zone going on all over America.
Thoughtful and more in-depth journalistic coverage is threatened as newspapers collapse. The majority of people now get their news almost exclusively from the TV, the Internet or even smaller screens. And all the while, the once solid line between news and entertainment continues to blur.
The whole phenomenon of human nature devolving under pressure brings to mind the "Lord of the Flies" by Nobel Prize-winning author William Golding. Now mostly relegated to high school literature classes, the insightful and very topical work tells the story of a group of British boys stuck on a deserted island who try to govern themselves, with disastrous results.
At an allegorical level, the novel is a study in conflicting human impulses: to embrace civilization, live its rules, peacefully and in harmony, or, to live simply guided by the desire for power and the will to dominate.
Themes include the tension between groupthink and individuality, between rational and emotional reactions, and between morality and immorality. The narrative carries the story of how these juxtaposed impulses play out, and how the different characters respond.
There is something of "Lord of the Flies" inherent in the gang and youth violence crisis in America and in the vacuum left behind by absent parents and home lives where empathy is unknown, supervision is rare or absent and moral compasses are either unavailable or considered a luxury not to be sought. This mentality, fueled as we discussed by the combination of news and entertainment industries, helps smother neighborhoods, then schools, then our children.
As authors we began our journey piecing together examples of best practices and stories of hope from across America and the world in our 2012 release "No COLORS — 100 Ways To Stop Gangs from Taking Over Our Communities".
As we turn our attention to the similar yet distinctive bullying crisis, it is clear that whatever measures we can take to protect our children will require a multi-pronged campaign. And that includes a demand for changes within the business community, from elected officials, school authorities and, perhaps most especially, the individuals and the collective industry that controls not just what is marketed to our children but the tone with which it's promoted.
That's a very tall order indeed, but we have to start somewhere. That's why we advocate for what most good athletic programs or events do to maintain an acceptable level of civility and in most sports, that means a whistle. Bullying in every venue will continue until someone "blows the whistle", stops the play, and assesses a penalty before the game resumes.
We need to offer a set of rules.
And we need to give out those whistles to as many people as possible.
Because bullying does not just happen in one venue.
Children have been exposed to bullying since the dawn of recorded time. But while past generations were bullied in various settings most of it didn't come complete with bullies who carry guns, travel in gangs or have a multitude of willing and tech-savvy followers who have become adept at character assassination through social media.
So, begin here — stand at the starting line of developing empathy for a generation of kids under pressure. Have that empathy both for the bullies and the victims.
And let's open our hearts to solutions, which need to be applied throughout the school, the community, and in your own home. It is with this understanding that we begin.
And remember that our "whistles" are good anywhere.
Let's Dispel the Myths About Bullying
MYTH, Bullying is a simple school issue.
The gang crisis got out of control because we kept trying to solve it as a police problem, not a community-wide crisis. The same is true in bullying. As long as we think the schools alone can fix it, we'll never make headway.
Myth, Bullying is a rite of passage for kids.
The old phrase, "Kids will just be kids" is also aiding the spread of uncivil behavior within our communities. To believe that bullying is simply part of growing up is a great mistake. Bullying is an act of violence and treating it as anything less is an obstacle to improving the situation.
Myth, Today's bullies really aren't all that different from when you were in school.
The understanding that bullies in today's society are very different from your experience-based perception can be helped along by answering the following question: Did you know of anyone from your school or neighborhood who committed suicide due to the impact of bullying while you were growing up? Tragedies such as these are occurring daily in this new world. Today's bullies have graduated from name-calling to cyber threats and gang intimidation and we have failed as a society to understand their new and potentially deadly weapons.
MYTH, Verbal and physical abuse is nothing more than a simple bullying incident.
When we place ongoing verbal abuse and even physical abuse under the classification of bullying, we allow for increased victimization within our society. Many people fail to look at bullying as a violation of existing legal statutes. Many of the incidents we pass off as bullying are, in fact, against the law. When these instances occur and are not addressed, we give people a license to continue their negative, anti-social and possibly illegal behavior.
Myth, Ignore bullying and believe it will go away.
This social problem, without intervention, is unlikely to heal itself. Individual bullies, not unlike nations that exhibit bullying behavior on a global scale, exist on power and they are not very quick to give that away. Believing that ignoring their actions hoping they will stop is usually not advised. In most cases, we urge immediate response and action.
Myth, Encourage the victim to stand up and fight back.
Physical engagement of a bully is not advised. This may have been the reaction of choice for past generation but it carries a much greater risk today as the weapons and the potential for retaliation have changed. We also recommend that bystanders protest verbally when possible but not enter a physical bullying situation — rather, call for help, recruit support from others and verbally protest the abuse.
MYTH, Cyberbullying is just mean kids acting out in social media.
That may be true, but this new media is incredibly powerful and broad in scope. The choice by some adults to minimize their own exposure to social media has served to increase the potential for younger people to be victimized through social networking. While we may not be able to block this particular avenue to bullying, more education directed to parents and community stakeholders can make a positive difference.
MYTH, Kids get their ideas from each other. Bullying is not stimulated by parents and role models.
Our nation's contentious political arena plays a role. The unchecked intentional injuring of opposing players in professional sports plays a role.
These role models for bullying are all there, in our cultural DNA.
Bullies exist in every part of our society and in order for us to find the appropriate solutions, we must also agree to address this as a social issue in general and not just a concern facing kids in school.
Understand All Five Traditional Forms of Bullying
Isolation
Many of us can remember not being invited to a party or social function. We may also remember days when we were not picked for the kickball team or maybe sat alone at the lunch table. Part of this behavior may be due to the normal developmental insensitivity that many children exhibit toward their peers. But purposeful social isolation and the ongoing attempt to separate and intentionally exclude individuals should be seen as a viable weapon in the bully's arsenal.
Put Downs
When someone made fun of us by making comments about the way we dressed, or possibly our actions in a given situation, it hurt. It still does.
(Continues…)
Excerpted from "No Bullies"
by .
Copyright © 2013 Bobby Kipper and Bud Ramey.
Excerpted by permission of Morgan James Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Foreword,
A Global Crisis – 25 Countries,
It's Not If, It's When Your Child Will Be Bullied. And Here's What Your Child Shouldn't Do,
"Just Tell Me What to Do ...",
The Culture of Bullying — What Is It Really About and Why Are So Many Young People Embracing It?,
Bullying Defined,
How Bullying Got Out of Control,
Let's Dispel the Myths About Bullying,
Understand All Five Traditional Forms of Bullying,
At What Age Does Bullying Become a Danger to Kids?,
Between Meanness and Bullying,
What Bullying and Gangs Have in Common,
"Just Tell Me What To Do ...",
Preparing Our Children For Bullying Encounters,
Leave Nothing Unsaid with Your Child: Have Regular "Bully Talks",
Making the Distinction Between Self-Esteem and Selfish Esteem,
The Potential Impact of Bullying,
Ten Suggestions To Help Your Child Navigate Around the Bullies,
The Bully. The Victim. The Bystander. Why Bystanders Have the Power,
Rehearse for the Show: Use Role Play to Practice Reactions to Bullying,
Kids May Not Love Every Classmate, But They Understand Politeness,
Differences and Diversity Are Wonderful, but Avoid Social Isolation,
Personality Will Impact How Your Child Responds to a Bullying Situation,
Brothers and Sisters Will Have Conflict, Constantly; Minimize the Chaos By Not Buying Into the Provoking Behaviors,
Carefully Observe Your Child's Friends,
Early Warnings,
Be Skeptical of Teasing,
Watch for Warning Signs of Today's Bully,
Is Your Child Becoming a Bully? Be Alert to These Indicators,
Your Reaction To Bullying,
Important Do's and Don'ts,
It Is a Crime To Assault Another Person; It Is Also a Civil Case.,
The Four Things You Should Never Do,
Kids Can Be Slow to Reveal Being Bullied: Signs to Watch for,
The Five Kinds of Bullies Today,
Be Alert for Signs of Self-Harm Risk in a Bullied Child,
Social Media Threats,
New Digital Dangers That May Be Invisible to Parents,
You Are Paying the Bill: Control Your Child's Social Media,
When Cyberbullying Becomes a Crime,
The Bullying Child,
Physical Bullying is a Boys' World,
Girl Bullies Use Different Weapons,
If Your Child Becomes a Bully, New Ground Rules Are Essential,
The Bullied Child,
Confronting the Parents,
Teach Your Child to Stand Firm,
Twelve Things to Consider When Your Child Has Been Bullied,
Bullying of Any Kind Can Result in Lifelong Emotional Damage and Why Professional Counseling Should Be Considered,
Do Children Grow Out of Bullying?,
Get Involved and Monitor Your Child's School Environment,
Understand What Your School Should Be Doing When Bullying Occurs,
Youth Sports,
Adult Bully Behavior Needs to Be Challenged,
Four Promises,
Four Special Promises By You And Your Child,
Appendix,
Acknowledgements,
Endnotes,
Bibliography,
No COLORS,
NCPCV,
Green Zone,
Virginia Tech's Actively Caring for People,