No Time for Tears: Coping with Grief in a Busy World
288
No Time for Tears: Coping with Grief in a Busy World
288eBookSecond edition, Revised & Updated (Second edition, Revised & Updated)
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Overview
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781613731673 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Chicago Review Press, Incorporated |
| Publication date: | 05/01/2015 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 288 |
| File size: | 2 MB |
About the Author
Judy Heath (LISW-CP) is a psychotherapist and clinical social worker in private practice. She is the cofounder of the Life Guidance Center, teaches and speaks on the subject of grief, and serves on the board of the National Association of Social Workers. Bernie Siegel, MD, is a retired pediatric surgeon and internationally recognized expert in the field of cancer treatment and complementary, holistic medicine. He is known for his bestselling book Love, Medicine & Miracles.
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No Time for Tears
Coping with Grief in a Busy World
By Judy Heath
Chicago Review Press Incorporated
Copyright © 2015 Judy HeathAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-61373-167-3
CHAPTER 1
The Things They Don't Tell You About Grief
* * *
What is grief? Is it the tidied-up snapshots we hold in our minds? One person may instantly visualize the composed figure of Jackie Kennedy and her children at the funeral of her husband, while another might imagine scenes of nameless dead soldiers. The media presents us with countless images that hardly do justice to the experience of grief. What we don't see in this collective composite is the true devastation behind these representations, yet we all know it's there, lurking behind Jackie's sad eyes. Look closer and you'll see the sleepless nights, the residue of never-ending tears, and much later, the emotional detachment. Dive beneath the surface of the war footage and you will hear the anguished cries of mothers and fathers whose young men no longer rummage through snack cabinets or track mud onto their carpets, whose lifeless bodies will not bring along the grandchildren for whom they longed. This, my friends, is true grief.
It's easier isn't it? The two-dimensional representation of grief, preferably in black and white so as not to see any blood. In contrast, I for one dislike it when the news media gets too "up close and personal" with grief, as seems to be the trend these days. Let's interview this poor mother whose child lies before her, a bullet hole through his chest. As sobs that seem to emanate from her very soul escape her lips, she is pushed to answer some inane question. I feel the violation of her privacy as the microphone is thrust into her face. She deserves to do this privately. Doesn't she?
Bereavement is my life's work, and it will take me a lifetime to truly understand all of its facets. Each of us faces loss at one time or another. We know that it is a process, and most people understand that there are stages of grief. Fortunately, more complete information has begun to emerge in literature and in studies due to the extensive research that has been done in the past thirty years since Elisabeth Kubler-Ross swung open that door.
Imagine a bad actor attempting to portray a drunk; he may get the slurred speech and the swagger, but without an underlying knowledge about alcoholism there would be no subtext and his performance would be superficial at best. Our understanding of grief as a society is like that — superficial, but improving.
Most of us are familiar with the dominant characteristics of grief, things like shock, denial, and sorrow, but there are many more lesser-known characteristics that surprise most grievers. Traveling through this process with so many souls through the years has made me aware of its far-reaching effects as well as the small ways in which loss invades our lives.
"I think I am going crazy!"
A statement uttered by nearly every griever, young and old, male and female alike. I myself have known this feeling. I have walked the dark and lonely path of loss. To me it is a chilling wooded pathway where craggy-branched trees block the sun. Be aware of the dips in the wet leaves of its dirt floor and small stumps to catch your feet along the way. Throw your collar up and close your jacket against the pounding winds and rain. I will walk this path along with you, for I remember. There is a place where the branches part and you can feel the sunlight against your skin once more, I promise.
The loneliness
"When my brother died I felt so alone," Sandra explained. "He had been my best friend since childhood. Our parents were great, but they were so into each other that they really didn't pay much attention to us. So Paul and I became a team. We built forts together, watched TV, and always confided in one another. We remained close throughout our lives. After we were married we talked on the phone every couple of days. We shared the same humor and knew each other's whole history. My husband never really understood our closeness. He grew up as an only child. When Paul died I lost a part of myself, of my history. My husband didn't totally get it. My children loved their uncle, but they didn't miss him the way I did. That first year was the loneliest time of my life."
Sandra's story touches upon the intense loneliness experienced by the bereaved. Consolation with clear attention paid to the loneliness of the griever seems to be most easily given to widows and widowers (for a time, anyway). Less attention is given to the loneliness factor after other kinds of losses. In Sandra's case, her brother Paul held an exceptional place in her world. Both her parents had passed away, and Paul was her only link to her past. It is a misconception that because Sandra was surrounded by loved ones after the death of her brother that she would be spared the loneliness. Almost everyone I have ever seen in my practice talks about being intensely lonely after the death of a close friend or family member — no matter whom they've lost.
There is a hole in the world that only one person can fill. Although talking about the person might temporarily bridge the gap, the void reappears, sometimes swallowing the griever. Some people run from activity to activity to avoid that hole; some cling to their loneliness like a lifeline that meets their deceased one on the other end. Perhaps to other mourners the loneliness is a deserved penance acquired through guilt over their loved one's death.
Whatever the circumstance, be aware that loneliness is one of the major manifestations of grief. As friends, family members, or counselors, we should acknowledge and attend to this significant aspect.
HOW TO HELP YOURSELF WITH THE LONELINESS
If you have lost a loved one and are dealing with intense loneliness, you might want to talk to another human being about your loss. It is not mandatory that you join a bereavement group or see a therapist, although this would be ideal; you can talk to a friend, a clergy member, or even a stranger. It is healing to verbalize your feelings. Now, all you macho types, don't shut this book! Remember, I counseled many New York City firefighters, and you don't get much more macho than that! And guess what? They told me that talking helped. And they kept coming back. If you just can't bring yourself to verbalize or would like a few other suggestions, here are some ways that my wise patients have taught me over the years to help deal with the loneliness.
1. Pets are helpful. With pets you don't have to talk. Take walks with your dog through the woods or to the water. If you're in a city, go to the nearest park. Think about the person you lost and share your feelings with your pet through a hug or a run. Caring for another living being helps with intense loneliness, and animals don't ask for too much in return.
2. Gather all the photos you have of the person who died and make a special photo album. There is healing in remembering times that you spent together. In some instances this may be too painful right after a loss. If you find you become too overwhelmed by this project, stop.
3. Some people feel less lonely in a place of worship. I have had many people tell me that they prefer to go when there is no service in session and that lighting a candle or saying a prayer in a quiet church or temple soothes them.
4. Of course some people feel less lonely at the graveside of their buried loved one. Dominic, an old Italian patient of mine, used to bring lunch and a lawn chair to his beloved wife's grave every week. "I had lunch with my Millie," he would say, "and filled her in on everything that happened with the family this week." Smiling through tears, he added, "I feel I've had a visit."
HOW TO HELP THE GRIEVER WITH LONELINESS
None of these things takes away our loneliness, but anything that helps, even temporarily, is good. As friends and family members, what can you do to help with the griever's solitude?
1. Be open to talking about the person who died when the griever is ready to do so. Do not feel that it is your job to bring it up in every conversation — that is not helpful. Wait for a window of opportunity. Be a good listener to your loved one, and don't be afraid to mention the deceased person's name or tell a story or two about him or her. That person will let you know whether or not it is a good time to talk about it.
2. Patience is required. People have the need to repeat and examine the circumstances of death. There is a healing power in this repetition.
3. If you are a spouse or partner, you should be aware that touch is an important antidote to loneliness. A hug, a caress, or handholding goes a long way at these times. Sex is a little trickier. For some people, bereavement is a time when they lose all interest in sex for a variety of reasons. Loneliness is just one of those reasons. The intensity of the sex act can feel "too close" to another person in time of grief. In other cases people have reported using sex as a kind of antidote to the loneliness. "I forget about my son's death during sex. I feel close to my wife and for a little while I don't think about everything else," one man told me.
4. Sometimes people in grief are quiet but really do want company. Perhaps just being there for comfort is enough. Conversation isn't always necessary.
After her mother died, Debra did not wish to have sex with her husband for several months. Debra's husband asked to come along to one of our sessions, during which he complained profusely about their lack of intimacy since Debra's mother's death three months earlier. In frustration, he cried out, "Don't you love me anymore?" To which Debra replied, "Of course I do, I just miss my mother." He looked puzzled. "What does missing your mother have to do with sex?" Without any forethought Debra blurted out, "I'm too lonely for sex!"
This response fascinated me, and in her next private session, Debra explained, "Frank and I have always had very intimate, connected sex, but I'm just too sad and alone to be that close to another human being right now. It's not that I don't love Frank. I know that when I'm not so lonely for my mother, I'll be normal again. I'm just not there yet."
Try to be patient with the griever if he or she happens also to be your sexual partner. Don't punish him or her by withholding affection. Believe me when I tell you that in most cases, he or she will come back to you.
Out of sync
This is a strange by-product of grief, seldom mentioned in literature but often spoken about by the grief-stricken. Melanie came to me after the death of her two-year-old son, Michael, from a congenital heart defect. "I feel like the whole world has sped up and left me behind." She was a stay-at-home mom whose world consisted of soccer games for her eight-year-old daughter, being class mom, and all the daily hustle and bustle of a young mother. "I'm around all the same people I was before, but I'm just not able to keep up. They all seem to be moving so fast, and I'm just thinking and moving slower."
I'm an old Star Trek buff, so this characteristic of the griever reminds me of the episode when the crew of the Enterprise encountered an alien race that moved around so much more rapidly than humans that, to Kirk and his gang, they sounded like buzzing insects. To this grieving mother, other people's chatter sounded like meaningless buzzing. Cars sped by at alarming speeds. The whole world buzzed around her and she felt out of synchronization with it. If you've never had a great loss, you might imagine how this feels by remembering the last time you were really exhausted and had to attempt to act normally.
"It's like I'm in a fog," an NYC firefighter explained. "I just don't feel safe in a fire anymore. My reactions aren't the same."
HOW TO HELP YOURSELF WITH FEELING OUT OF SYNC
1. Take fewer commitments for a while. Quieter, more peaceful surroundings and activities seem to help. Limit your time around large groups of people. This might include avoiding some social gatherings for a time.
2. The more you try to force yourself to be "in sync" with the world, the more anxious you will become when that is just not possible. Don't worry; you will return to the world as the grieving process moves forward.
3. If your job requires being around noise, people, and general chaos, take quiet breaks away from everyone. A book or soothing music on earphones might help.
4. You may find yourself more comfortable around senior citizens than your own peers at this time. No, you are not prematurely aging; you've just slowed down for a time. Take advantage of not being as driven as the rest of your generation for a while. This is a time to take long walks in nature, watch old movies, and visit your grandparents (you'll appreciate them in a whole new way). Play cards or a board game. Take a yoga class. ... Get the idea?
HOW TO HELP THE GRIEVER TO FEEL LESS OUT OF SYNC
Wouldn't any of us like an excuse to slow down for a time? Our lives are so hectic in today's society. If you want to communicate with a friend or family member who has just had a life-altering loss, observe how this loss has affected him or her. As a therapist, I have honed my observational skills to better interpret the unspoken language of my patients. We live in a verbal society where unsolicited opinions abound. It is often forgotten that data is needed to formulate intelligent conclusions. How do we know how a person is truly feeling if we don't observe her unspoken cues?
You know how to do this; let's face it, our observational skills are practiced when we deal with children prior to their verbal development. Little Justin is upset, and his mother automatically watches for nonverbal cues to help determine the source of his discomfort. Is his diaper wet? Does his tummy hurt? Is he tugging on his ear to indicate another ear infection? She looks for these cues in an attempt to remedy the situation, but how often do we extend this same courtesy to other adults? We expect adults to tell us when something is wrong, but what if they don't exactly know what is wrong?
Observe people in grief and you will see quiet people walking slowly, often with their head down. When they do look up, their eyes are filled with weariness and sorrow.
Much of what takes place for the survivor after the death of a loved one happens on an unconscious level. If we are aware that people feel out of sync in grief, maybe we can help them by listening and then by validating their reality. There are other ways too. Friends and family members may be encouraged to:
1. Slow down with the griever. Suggest quiet activities like going for a stroll, sitting by a fire, walking on the beach, or watching television.
2. Limit social activities to only a few people.
3. Be understanding about complaints that the griever can't keep up or needs to rest. Suggest naps and giving in to the need for sleep when it is practical. Most people in grief do not sleep well for long periods at a time.
4. If this person was formerly a bundle of energy, willing to do anything or go anywhere, make allowances for the temporary change in personality and find other people to fulfill those needs for you at this time. This will alleviate unnecessary pressure for this individual. Don't neglect spending time with the griever, merely tailor your time to the person's energy level.
Physical changes
"I don't understand it," Natalie protested, "I was always able to do so much in a day. Now I'm falling asleep at my desk. What the hell's the matter with me?" I was so happy to be able to reassure this woman that she was not terminally ill and going to die as her sister recently had. Grief is exhausting! It drains one's energy. When my husband was mourning the loss of his father, he slept constantly. "It's so strange; I go to bed early and wake up tired again." And he looked tired too. Many of my patients are exhausted all the time. Pale-skinned and with dark circles under their eyes, they complain that they can't sleep or that they can't stop sleeping.
Grief may also affect one's eating habits. One of the first questions a therapist asks a patient when trying to determine if he is depressed is "Have your sleeping and eating habits changed?" Doesn't it stand to reason that a person in mourning would be depressed? Of course this patient is depressed! Sadness is a natural by-product of grief, along with sorrow and even despair. However, this depression is expected and even a necessary part of healing.
One young lady whose father died in the Twin Towers gained forty pounds within six months of her father's death. Eating for Terry was a comforting behavior. She found solace in the food. Other individuals cannot eat and grow gaunt and sallow. The physical manifestations of grief are too numerous to outlay here, but the powerful relationship of body to mind has been the study of much research in my field over the past two decades.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from No Time for Tears by Judy Heath. Copyright © 2015 Judy Heath. Excerpted by permission of Chicago Review Press Incorporated.
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Table of Contents
Contents
Foreword by Bernie Siegel, MD,Preface: Guidance and Hope,
1 The Things They Don't Tell You About Grief,
2 In the Beginning: The Roller Coaster of Emotion,
3 Grief Interrupted,
4 The Language of Loss,
5 Comfort,
6 How Did Your Loved One Die?,
7 How Children Grieve,
8 Different Mournings,
9 Will It Ever End?,
10 Adult Loss of a Parent,
11 Loss of a Child,
12 Loss of a Spouse,
13 When a Friend Dies,
14 Coping with Suicide,
15 Coping with Murder,
16 Pet Loss Hurts Too,
17 An Ending and a Beginning,
Frequently Asked Questions About Grief,
Bereavement Resources,
Tools for Use with Children and Teens,
Notes,
Glossary,
Bibliography,
Index,