No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of A Loved One

Mixed review. Good book but didn't relate to my situation.

This book had been recommended to me by a friend, after my brother committed suicide this past May. I ran to the store to purchase and had very high hopes that it would answer so many unanswered questions that I had in regards to his death. I found the book very well organized and the stories of so many other suicide survivors helpful, but the one thing that I could not relate to in the book was the shame people described after the suicide of a loved one. The book was centered around shame. Shame for what? Another person's choice. Because that is what suicide is, another person's choice to end their life.

I just didn't get it, why should people feel ashamed over loved ones, dead or alive? I could never feel shame over anything my brother did while living or in the way that he chose to end his life. What I can't understand and I had hoped the book would help with is how can people fall into such desperation that they feel ending their life is the only solution to their problems? I guess this book was the wrong format for the questions that I wanted answered. I don't think of myself as a "suicide survivor" because his suicide is not the defining factor of who he was, he was a brilliant ER doctor who saved lives every day. He prayed with and brought peace to the ones he couldn't save, as they died, and consoled their families in their time of grief. He was compassionate and loving, smart and funny, he was one of the most wonderful people I could ever hope to know and love. No, his death does not define who he was or change anything he did during his lifetime. He chose to end his life, do I agree with it? No. Do I wish I knew what was going through his head and have had a chance to change his mind? Yes!! Could I have done anything to change his mind? Maybe, maybe not. But I do not, nor ever will feel shame over him or his death.

If you feel the same way over the loss of your loved one due to suicide, this book is not going to give you answers. If you want to read stories of others that have survived and want to know what they went through, then this book does offer some comfort with that since you realize that you are not the only one.

I don't have as many questions as I did right after his death. I have come to understand that there are somethings in life that you just have to accept. I will never know all the answers and if he had wanted me to know what was in his head during those days before he hung himself, he would have called or shown up on my doorstep (like he had so many other times when something was weighing on his mind). But he didn't, his mind was made up and he followed through on his decision. Just like the over achiever that he always was, failure was not an option.

2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

Incredibly helpful during a traumatic time

I can't say enough about this book. When my best friend/life partner committed suicide in January, I couldn't sleep or do much of anything. This book kept me company, I read it straight through and then kept it with me through the first months all the time. I needed to know others were experiencing the same confusing and debilitating grief. Very, very helpful. I recommend it to everyone who is a survivor.

2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

life changing

Ten years ago, my mother commited suicide. I am finally at a point in my life where I am ready to deal with it and I just finished this book. It was absolutely the best tool to help others in a similar situation. I feel liberated and freed from many of my self-defeating emotions after having read this book and I HIGHLY recommend it to ANYONE who is a survivor of suicide. God bless!

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Intense!!

I purchased this book at a time in my life when I thought I was literally loosing my mind. My husband had commited suicide 8 months earlier. I had all of these thoughts that were running through my head that just didn't seem normal. Confusion, anger, blame... Reading this book helped me realize that it is a normal part of the process. It has put me on the road to surviving!!

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

A perfect find . . .

One of my closest friend just recently lost her husband to suicide. I found this book online and gave it to her on Thursday. I found out that she had been given many books relating to suicide and thought this would get lost in the pile. I called her Saturday morning and she only had 20 pages left! She said this book spoke to her and was much easier to read and relate to than the other books she had been given! She highly recommends this book and is thinking of having her 10 year read it too. Help someone in need and give them this book, they will appreciate it.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Surviving and living life to the fullest

Carla Fine does a great job describing what a survivor goes through after a loved one commits suicide. My Husband, John, committed suicide December 10, 2004 and I felt like I was walking through a nightmare. I have since been able to accept John's suicide and now mourn the loss of my husband, my best friend, my lover, my child's Daddy. This book helped me understand I am not alone and my feelings are not bad or wrong! I bought extra copies of this book to give to family members and close friends to help them in their loss and to understand what I am going through. My 11 year old daughter is currently reading it!

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

No Time to Say Goodbye

Very helpful. I will recommend it to someone who has recently lost a family member to suicide. It may be too soon for her to read it but eventually I think it will encourage her to seek group therapy to listen to and share grief with others. Thank you,

Sharing For Suicide

The subject of suicide is difficult to share. Ms. Fine is courageous to show the readers the depth of her devastation after the suicide of her husband. Although there is no how-to book on surviving the suicide of someone close, this book comes close in defining the emotions that surface in the aftermath. Others will see that they are not alone. The author lets the readers into her own experience with the first chapter, where she describes her husband’s suicide scenario. As a physician, he knew exactly what he was doing, in a premeditated death march. Twenty-one years of marriage and a thriving practice had not been enough to assuage his despair. In a detailed account, Ms. Fine tells the readers how she found him. The scene, the choice, and the permanence of his decision had an impact on her that was too much to bear. Carla Fine sought support from a group where suicide survivors bond with one another. The author weaves her own experience with others’ stories of surviving suicide. Even in cases where suicide had been spoken of and previously prevented, the ultimate tragedy is nothing but a shock to those left behind. The author contends that healing begins with talking, and chapter 1 is aptly titled “Letting Go of the Silence.” The book is well-organized into six parts and 19 chapters, including resources. Chapter 5 focuses on the stigma of suicide. The author, as well as others she interviewed, fabricated stories about the nature of their loved ones’ deaths to avoid the stares and silence that comes after the word “suicide.” People ask nosy questions about how someone died, and suicide is an uncomfortable answer. Throughout the book, Ms. Fine relies on the reference Suicide and Its Aftermath: Understanding and Counseling the Survivors by Edward Dunne and Karen Dunne-Maxim, which gives credence to the narratives and anecdotes in No Time To Say Goodbye. Yet there is no better voice for the suffering than from one who has been though the pain. The overall pace of the book was gentle and slow, with wise comments that closed each chapter. "We have heard one another’s stories of survival after suicide many times before, we know that every retelling will uncover fresh insights, recovered details, and unexpected interpretations." (page 222). Some of the stories describe inconceivable emotional crisis and disturbing suicide scenes. Some of the stories describe inconceivable psychological trauma and disturbing suicide scenes. As a "survivor" of my father's suicide, and a "survivor" of my own suicide attempts, I'd recommend this book for those who are unafraid of an honest approach to the gut-wrenching crisis of suicide.

Graphic

Though this book brought some insight...there were a lot of graphic details that many would not be able to handle. I would not recommend this book to anyone because of the explicit details.

Very informative. Very helpful hearing the other survivors personal stories of their loss and emotions. Really helped me understand that my feelings were normal and know I wasnt alone after the death of my father following his suicide.

I think it is so awesome of Carla to tell the world the scary thoughts, feelings and emotions associated with losing someone to suicide. From anger to sadness to hopelessness to feeling like you are actually losing your mind. There are so many scary thoughts and feelings associated with this that it was very calming and reassuring to know that every suicide survivor experiences these and that they are completely normal. Sometimes you feel like you are the only one that has ever experienced this or felt this, but it was so helpful to read the stories of the survivors she interviewed and to hear the personal stories of how they lost their loved one. It puts things into better perspective to really make you feel like you arent the only one and that you arent alone. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one to suicide.

Consoling

This book is written so that regular people can understand it. It helped me sort through my emotions after going through a similar situation as the author. I hope no one else has to endure such a loss; but if someone does, this book can offer some help.

Thank you Carla

My co-workers husband recently took his own life. I was searching for something to read and came to purchase this book. It is great. In my junior year in high school, we were required to read 'Alive' and Helter Skelter'! Imagine if children today were required to read a book such as this, we just may have had them spend their time much more wisely than my english teacher did, and perhaps a life could be saved in the process. If you are directly, or indirectly affected by suicide, you must read this book. The powers that be knew Carla would help so many through her own tragedy. Many blessings to Carla and to all that read this book.

Heather - a daughter who is lost........

I lost my father/best friend 5 weeks ago to suicide. When I read this book it gave me hope. Hope that was lost. I recommend this book to anyone who is going through this nightmare. God Bless-

Compassionate and helpful

I read this book after my cousin committed suicide. I found it to be so helpful in understanding how other families have coped with this. I ended up giving the book to my cousin's parents because I thought it might help them feel less alone.

Thank you

This book has been a great tool. My fiance/my son's father killed himself 2 months ago. Where to go from here? Every day is new and beautiful. We have the strength to pull through.

Truly remarkable insight into a survivors pain.

After trying to deal with my brothers suicide in November 1999, I decided to purchase some books on suicide, hoping to find some answers. This book doesn't give you the answers as everyone is so different but it made me feel that I was not alone. The book also allowed me to let go of my guilt for being angry at my brother; to be able to read the thoughts of others and relate them to my own, was therapy in itself. Thank you Carla for sharing your pain with me and helping me to not undertsand so much, but to deal with it at a more healthy level.

A TRUE LIGHT TO ANY SURVIVOR

My family has experienced the suicide of both my Father and Mother. I have so many questions and Carla Fine has given me the clue to so many awnsers.....I can begin to reclaim MY life.

For Us by One of Us

A heartfelt, thought provoking look at the legacy of suicide for us that are left behind. To know I am not alone after my Mother's death. It is important to know there is help for survivors like me.

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No text was provided for this review.