No Wonder My Parents Drank: Tales from a Stand-up Dad

No Wonder My Parents Drank: Tales from a Stand-up Dad

3.2 38
by Jay Mohr
     
 

YOU'LL NEVER SLEEP IN THIS TOWN AGAINFrom Saturday Night Live to stand-up, from a blockbuster film career to the star of CBS's hit television show Gary Unmarried, Jay Mohr is one of the funniest people in comedy today. Now, in this down and dirty tale of modern fatherhood, Mohr shares his stories as a first-time parent. No Wonder My Parents Drank <

Overview

YOU'LL NEVER SLEEP IN THIS TOWN AGAINFrom Saturday Night Live to stand-up, from a blockbuster film career to the star of CBS's hit television show Gary Unmarried, Jay Mohr is one of the funniest people in comedy today. Now, in this down and dirty tale of modern fatherhood, Mohr shares his stories as a first-time parent. No Wonder My Parents Drank reveals the details behind Mohr's humiliating test-tube conception attempts and then recounts the trauma of not only having to keep this child alive, but having to spend time alone with him! He waxes poetic about dirty diapers; spins theories on spanking; and mulls over the more hidden advantages of parenthood, like carpool lane access, carte blanche to use the ladies restroom, and an alibi for missing family dinners. Mohr describes, in painfully funny detail, the bizarre situations that all parents inevitably face but can never prepare for (such as when his kid discovered his dog's rear end) as well as moments of pure joy like taking his son to his first baseball game. Mohr reports on the hilarious wisdom that his son, Jackson, has taught him--like why it's fun to play "Kissy Boy" with the other boys at recess, how important sunscreen is for avoiding a "sunborn," and how awesome it is to get a "rainbow belt" in karate.

Riotously acerbic and refreshingly honest, No Wonder My Parents Drank casts the very funny Jay Mohr with an even funnier mini-me sidekick as a supporting character in a little comedic love story that every person who either is a parent or has a parent will find delightful.

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781449819309
Publisher:
Recorded Books, LLC
Publication date:
12/14/2010

Read an Excerpt

2

PREPARING FOR BABY

Webster's Dictionary defines prepare as "to put in proper condition or readiness."

Readiness? I didn't even know that readiness was a word. But who am I to argue with Webster? What I can say with complete confidence, though, is that saying that you can be "ready" for a baby is like saying that you can be "ready" for a natural disaster. We know that things are going to get shaken up, we know we'll be out of our element and there are supplies to be had. But really, how the hell does one "prepare" for his life to be turned completely upside down?

I wasn't ready for my son to be born three months premature. To be honest, I wasn't ready for him at all. I was a lout. I was a loudmouthed know-it-all who always had to have things go my way. The thought of me being in charge of another human being's welfare was laughable. Well, it would have been laughable if it didn't happen to me at four-thirty in the afternoon that fall day. What had once been laughable became instantly terrifying. I had no idea how to be a father. I had no idea how to do laundry or how to mix formula or how to install a car seat. I was clueless about how to change a diaper. I didn't know how to soothe a grown-up, let alone a baby. I couldn't even find the remote. Parenthood is probably best described by the old expression "If you want God to laugh, make plans." I quickly learned that when it comes to parenthood there should be a change in that expression: "If you want God to laugh, have expectations."

I'm not sure what I expected when I became a father but I do know that every day for the next seven years, my expectations and hopes would be blown out of the water daily. I am sure that if you are a parent and reading this, you are solemnly nodding your head in agreement. Having kids is like Murphy's law taking place every day inside your heart. If you want your son to be an athlete, he will become a total spaz. If you want your daughter to be a beauty queen, she will be cross-eyed. If your wish is for your daughter to go out into the world and get a great education, she will be as dumb as a bag of hair. Parents make big plans and God laughs. Every day. You go to sleep at night and think up a big plan to take your daughter to the beach. You can hardly sleep because of how excited you are that you thought of something so cool for your kid. You reflect back on all the times you wish your parents had taken you to the beach, and you lie in the dark and silently gloat that you are going to be a better parent than your parents ever were. Then you wake up in the morning and tell your daughter the big, huge, wonderful beach news and she looks you in the eye and says, "I don't want to go to the beach." You stand there stunned while holding towels and wearing white shit on your nose. You think, Who the fuck doesn't want to go to the beach? Your child doesn't want to go to the beach because you planned a day at the beach. Welcome aboard.

So we've established that the moment Jackie was released from the womb, I realized--in a moment of simultaneous bliss and sheer terror--that I could never be mentally prepared for the event. But let's call a spade a spade (where did that expression come from anyway?): my lack of "readiness" for my child began months before his birth . . . when I realized that I had to literally and physically prepare for his arrival. For the slow audience and the cheap seats, this means that I had to blow my entire life savings to buy a bunch of things that I'd never even...

Meet the Author

The multi-talented Jay Mohr's career has spanned over a decade. He first received audience notice with his dead-on impressions of Christopher Walken, Dick Vitale and Sean Penn on "Saturday Night Live." Soon after that, he landed his breakthrough film role as a rival sports agent in the blockbuster hit "Jerry Maguire," and followed that up in a touching good-guy turn in "Picture Perfect." Other film credits include "Playing By Heart," "Suicide Kings," "Seeing Other People," "Even Money," "The Groomsmen," "Pay it Forward," "Street Kings" and "Go," as well as comedic leads in "King's Ransom" and "Are We There Yet?"  On television, Mohr created, executive produced and hosted "Last Comic Standing," now in its sixth season. Other credits include "Action" and his most recent role as Professor Rick Payne on the CBS series "Ghost Whisperer." CBS's brand new blockbuster ?Gary Unmarried? stars Jay Mohr and has been honored with the "Favorite New TV Comedy" award at the 35th People's Choice Awards. 

          

Mohr is also well known for his sports work as host of FOX Sports Net's "NFL This Morning" and narrator of the award-winning "Beyond the Glory." Additionally, Mohr executive produced and hosted the ESPN series "Mohr Sports" an original weekly comedy/music/sports talk hour and he continues to sell out venues across the country with his stand-up routine. 

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