Noah's Favorite Animal Jokes

Overview

Everyone loves to hear a good animal joke--and who better to share a few than the world's first floating zookeeper himself? Noah's Favorite Animal Jokes is a brand-new collection of five hundred jokes--categorized by animal--sure to make anyone laugh. From talking dogs to cranky gorillas to chickens that cross the road, Noah's Favorite Animal Jokes is packed with classic, crazy, and/or corny stories, riddles, and one-liners appropriate for any age group. Here is fun you can trust--at the tremendous price of only ...
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Overview

Everyone loves to hear a good animal joke--and who better to share a few than the world's first floating zookeeper himself? Noah's Favorite Animal Jokes is a brand-new collection of five hundred jokes--categorized by animal--sure to make anyone laugh. From talking dogs to cranky gorillas to chickens that cross the road, Noah's Favorite Animal Jokes is packed with classic, crazy, and/or corny stories, riddles, and one-liners appropriate for any age group. Here is fun you can trust--at the tremendous price of only $2.97!
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781586609955
  • Publisher: Barbour Publishing, Incorporated
  • Publication date: 8/15/2003
  • Series: Joke Bks.
  • Pages: 240
  • Product dimensions: 4.10 (w) x 6.70 (h) x 1.00 (d)

Read an Excerpt

NOAH'S FAVORITE ANIMAL JOKES


BARBOUR PUBLISHING

Copyright © 2003 Barbour Publishing, Inc.
All right reserved.


Chapter One

ALLIGATORS

What do you call a sick alligator? An illigator.

* * *

What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?

I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it.

* * *

There was once a lazy alligator that roamed the banks of the river. Whenever a boat passed him, those onboard would be sure to keep their hands inside the vessel, because it was known that he was always looking for a hand out.

What do you get if you cross a snowman with an alligator?

Frostbite.

* * *

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of alligators. He kept them in the pool behind his mansion. The millionaire also had a very beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the course of the party he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a proposition for every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his proclamation, there was a large splash. There was one man in the pool, swimming with all his might and screaming in fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept sprinting through the water. Finally, he jumped out on the other side with only a torn shirt and several minor injuries. The millionaire was awestruck.

He said, "Sir, that was amazing! I didn't think it could be done! But, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy answered, "I don't want your money or your daughter. I just want the person who pushed me into the water!"

ANTS

Where do ants go on vacation?

Frants.

* * *

What do you call a 100-year-old ant?

An antique.

* * *

Teacher. "Boys and Girls, there is a wonderful example in the life of the ant. Every day the ant goes to work and works all day long. Every day the ant is busy. And in the end, what happens?"

John: "Someone steps on him."

What kind of ant is good at math?

An accountant.

* * *

A golfing duffer cringed when his drive landed in an anthill. Choosing a sand wedge, he positioned himself and swung at the half-buried ball. Sand and ants flew. The ball hadn't moved.

Again the novice braced and swung. Again the anthill was devastated, but the ball lay unmoved.

Among the panic-stricken ant colony, one ant yelled to his friend, "Come on! That big white ball seems to be a pretty safe place!"

BEARS

Where do polar bears like to vacation?

Brrrr-muda.

* * *

What time is it when five grizzly bears are chasing you?

Five after one.

* * *

What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

How do bears walk around?

With bear feet.

* * *

Bob: "I thought you were going bear hunting!"

Bill: "I was. But I only made it as far as the highway."

Bob: "What happened?"

Bill: "Well, I saw a road sign that said Bear Left, so I came home!"

* * *

Hunter 1: "Look! Here's some bear tracks!"

Hunter 2: "Great. I'll go see where he came from, and you go see where he went."

* * *

What is a bear's favorite drink?

Koka-Koala.

Two men went out to hunt bear. On opening morning, a light snow fell, and one stayed in the cabin while the other went out hunting. He soon found a huge grizzly, shot at it, but merely wounded it. The infuriated bear charged toward him. He dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran fast, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one, and I'll go get another one!"

* * *

What do you call a bear that whines?

Whiny the Pooh.

Two easterners were hunting in the Rocky Mountain wilderness when a huge grizzly bear sprang onto their path, reared up, and roared.

One hunter was terrified. The other kept his presence of mind and calmly instructed, "Don't move a muscle. Just stand like a statue, and the bear will get bored and go away."

"H-h-how do you know?"

"I read it in a book about the Lewis and Clark expedition."

They both stood motionless. The bear didn't go away but instead drew closer and roared more furiously.

"I-I-I think the bear must've read the same book!" stammered the scared hunter.

* * *

Where do polar bears vote?

The North Poll.

What do Paddington Bear and Winnie the Pooh pack for their holidays?

The bear essentials.

* * *

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It's empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear comes to the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It's also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear calls from the kitchen, "How many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher. It was Mommy Bear who went out to get the newspaper. It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've finally decided to come downstairs and start your day, listen well because I'm only going to say this one time-I haven't had time to make the porridge yet!"

* * *

What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?

A bear-faced lyre.

* * *

Two campers are hiking in the woods when suddenly a bear starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His buddy says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

BEES

What kind of" bee is always dropping the football?

A fumblebee.

* * *

What do you call a bee that hums very quietly?

A mumblebee.

* * *

Why do bees hum?

Because they can't remember the words.

What is another name for a bunch of bees?

A good report card.

* * *

How does a bee get to school?

It takes the buzz.

* * *

What do bees do with the honey they make?

Cell it.

* * *

What goes ZZUB, ZZUB, ZZUB?

A bee flying backwards.

* * *

What do bees do if they want to use public transport?

Wait at a buzz stop.

What does a bee get at McDonalds?

A humburger

* * *

What do you get if you cross a bee with a doorbell?

A hum dinger.

BIRDS, DOMESTIC

Gary showed off his singing parrot to his friend Ken.

"If you pull his right leg, he'll sing 'Happy Birthday,'" said Gary. "And if you puU his left leg, he'll sing 'The Star-Spangled Banner.'"

"What happens if you puU both legs?" Ken asked.

"Squawk!" said the parrot. "I'd fall off the perch!"

* * *

A woman went to the pet shop to buy a parrot. When she picked out a rare breed, the owner congratulated her on her choice.

"If you'd like, I could send you the bill at the end of the month," said the pet shop owner.

"No, thanks," said the woman, "I'd like to take the whole bird today."

* * *

A man bought a parrot, and for twenty years the bird was silent, never uttering so much as a word. Every morning the parrot would wake up, stand patiently on its perch, and wait for its owner to come and feed it.

One morning, the man overslept. Using its beak, the parrot pried the cage door open, flew out, and perched on the man's head.

Pecking its owner's nose, the parrot squawked and said, "Excuse me, but it's nearly noon and I'm famished."

The man sat upright. "Polly, you can talk!"

"Of course, I can talk," said the parrot.

"Then why haven't you said anything for twenty years?" asked the man.

"Because up until now," replied the bird, "the service has been excellent."

* * *

A lady goes into a pet store one day. "I'm quite lonely," she says to the clerk. "I need a pet to keep me company."

"Well," replies the clerk, "how about this nice parrot? He'll talk to you."

"That's just what I need," says the lady. She buys the parrot and takes him home. The next day the lady comes back to the pet store. "That parrot isn't talking to me yet," she says.

"Hmm, let's see," says the clerk. "I know!. You can buy this little ladder for his cage. He'll climb the ladder, and then he'll talk." So she heads home with a newly purchased ladder. The next day she comes back, again.

"Hey, that parrot still hasn't said a word," she says to the pet store clerk.

He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?" he says. "You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, and then he'll talk to you."

"Okay," she says and buys the mirror and goes home. But the next day the lady is back in the shop.

"I must admit, I'm getting a bit discouraged," she says. "That parrot still won't talk to me."

The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think. Here-try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"

"Alright, I'll give it a try," says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes it home. The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is very distressed.

"What's wrong?" asks the clerk.

"My parrot ... well, he died," she answers sadly.

"Oh, no! I'm so sorry for your loss!" exclaims the clerk. "But I must ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?"

(Continues...)



Excerpted from NOAH'S FAVORITE ANIMAL JOKES Copyright © 2003 by Barbour Publishing, Inc.. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents


Introduction.........................7
Alligators...........................9
Ants.................................13
Bears................................15
Bees.................................21
Birds, Domestic......................25
Birds, Wild..........................39
Bugs and Insects.....................49
Cats, Domestic.......................55
Cats, Wild...........................63
Chickens.............................71
Cows.................................81
Deer.................................91
Dinosaurs............................95
Dogs.................................97
Elephants............................123
Fish.................................129
Frogs................................137
Goats................................141
Horses...............................145
Kangaroos............................155
Mice.................................157
Monkeys..............................159
Octopuses............................165
Pigs.................................167
Rabbits..............................171
Skunks...............................175
Snails...............................177
Snakes...............................181
Turkeys..............................185
Turtles..............................187
Zebras...............................191
More Animals.........................193
Menagerie............................203
Noah.................................233

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